Hello, I just revised this a little and added a bit more. Rated M for dark suicidal inclining.
And so it begins again…..
Edward Elric had just about enough with the unfairness of it all. Why couldn't they find the stone? Why did he have to mess everything up for his brother, taking away his childhood and his chance to live like a normal human being? He hated himself for being the reason Al had to suffer. His brother had done nothing wrong, and yet he is paying for Ed's mistake? How did it happen that he caused his brother so much unneeded suffering because of his selfish need to have his mother back. If they didn't know alchemy..if their mother didn't die..if their father never left…That's it. Their father should never have left them and their mother alone to deal with his absence. If their father had been there, she would still be alive. It's his fault she's gone. It's his fault they took an interest in alchemy, that they wanted to impress their mother with their basic alchemic skills, and that they even thought of committing the most taboo of all alchemy to save her. It is also his fault that Edward caused everyone so much more suffering.
As he slumped into his bed, all worn out from brooding about how the world was punishing him, he thought about all the other times he felt this way over the past year and how he had many chances to end it all. He remembers all those times he tried so hard not to reach for the top drawer in his dresser and pull out the object that would make him feel better, even if it was just a small little cut. All the pain would go away and he would feel happy for a while. However, every time he pulled it out and used it on himself, he would think about Al and what he would do in this horrible cruel world without him. That thought scared the crap out of him and he didn't like feeling that way at all. This made him even more inclined to slice that blade across his wrist. Maybe he would do it even deeper than the other times. Yes, that would feel nice. A nice slow death would be waiting for him as his life substance flowed out and over his bedroom floor. No, Al. He must think of Al.
Looking over to that drawer, he put up his defenses toward the urge to pull the blade across his wrist one last time. Oh yes, just one last time will do the trick and then he wouldn't do it anymore. He really needed to feel good about himself and right now he felt like the scum of the earth. He closed his eyes and looked away from that death trap, that false sense of relief from the pain. His breathing became harsher, his need for that dratted blade causing his body to shake slightly. It was good that Edward Elric had a strong will or else he would lose to the temptation, but it was becoming harder to resist his desire for that simple little blade.
He couldn't take it anymore. He got up off the bed and walked hurriedly over to his dresser, opened the drawer, and pulled the precious blade from its hiding place under some socks. He held it in his automail hand, not feeling the blade at all but remembering from his past meetings with this little appointment. He shook his human arm to cause the sleeve to ride up, exposing the permanent scars from last year that would forever hold their positions and never fading. He held it up to his face to examine it, tears slowly falling down his face, and then painstakingly slowly lowered the blade ever closer to his wrist. He lets it hover an inch from the begging skin. He could do it. He could end his suffering and stop his mind from thinking of what Al is suffering from because of him. Just an inch lower..just a nice deep slice to the bone. He could end it here.
He pauses. Why is he doing this? How did he let himself get this far? He dropped the blade to the floor, his legs shaking uncontrollably. He sat back down on his bed, horror-stricken about what he almost did. What would Al think of him should he come clanking right through the bedroom door and seeing him like this? Ed then dropped to the ground, picked up the blade, and threw it in the trash. There was no way he was going to let that happen ever.