Chapter Four
Crossed
Crossed: adj. To interfere with, object or deceive; to be annoyed.
It actually didn't look too bad.
She looked peaceful.
Lilly didn't know what to do or what to feel. She had been huddled up in 'her' chair for more than two hours, and her legs were crossed and her emotions were crossed, but her arms weren't, because she was writing in her Book of Lyrics; Do Not Look and thinking about Miley, and it was fucking scary, it seemed, scary to be Lilly and scary to be Miley and scary to simply just be.
One could never know what might hit them, one could never know what would happen if they left their house that morning, or what would happen if they didn't. One wouldn't know if they'd die or live or maybe lose a leg – one couldn't know if they should put all their trust on those above, but Lilly felt the need to do so, because if she didn't have them, who else did she have?
Miley had disappeared on her, it seemed.
Miley had gotten it and it didn't look too bad.
Miley looked peaceful.
And Lilly… she didn't know what to do or what to feel.
She kept thinking about everything. This past week she had gone through an ordeal of feelings, and she didn't know what to do with herself to keep her occupied from it. It was Friday when they crashed Casper and a week had passed, and now it was Sunday again, and she had experienced more feelings than she'd think of in a lifetime.
There had been hurt and worry and scared. She'd felt sad and relieved and moved. And forgotten. She'd thought she might never heal, might never be Lilly again. She'd thought she would lose the person she loved the most; fear, she'd feared it, she'd definitely felt fear. She hadn't known what to think; her emotions had been messed up all over the place, and she had hated Miley and loved Miley, missed Miley and hadn't gone to see Miley; she'd been crossed, and she hadn't known what to do.
And now she was watching so-called Miley in wonderment. Her was face white and completely in peace as she lay there, slightly on her side, with that… that thing hidden beneath the sheets. It was Miley, Lilly was sure of it, but it didn't look like Miley all the time. She hadn't really been awake since she got it, she had simply slept for days, and Lilly thought that maybe so-called Miley would never be real-called Miley again.
She wondered and felt something ran down her cheek, pen on paper, pen on paper, pen on paper, wondered if they would ever be good again, and how God could really do this to Miley, because Miley was so close to perfect, and every time she lied, she couldn't handle it, and she had to say I'm sorry and make it all go away. Miley didn't deserve this, she had always been a good girl, and she had a perfect career which she'd have to neglect for such awhile now.
The something slid off of her chin and made a spot on her white paper, and Lilly believed that once Miley un-broke, Hannah would be back with full speed and everything would be back to normal. Maybe they could even be Miley and Lilly again, maybe they would talk about what happened and it would all work out, and perhaps Lilly would stop crying so much and if i never seem to understand, my purpose in this promised land, maybe she would actually function.
Pen on paper, pen on paper, pen on paper; writingwritingwriting, will Miley ever be good, will she smile for me, will she be whole, will she accept?
Lilly clicked her pen and stared at Miley again, she crossed her arms, too.
--
Somehow she found herself on her knees and with all her fingers crossed. Her head was pecked upwards, hair in a messy bun, and she was talking, talking aloud even if no one was there, and she thought that maybe she had gone insane, but at least insane with hope was better than sane with no hope at all.
And she felt a sense of accomplishment, a sense of pride for actually doing something, for hoping and for praying when Miley was gone. She had tears down her cheeks and shivers on her body, but she was smiling because it filled her with something new, something that might help her get through this, get through to Miley, and she was going to turn this on her girlfriend too, because it was an amazing feeling to be listened to with no conditions at all.
She whispered, all her hopes and dreams and wishes for what might come, she whispered, believes and pleas for help, and she lowly finished with "Amen," right before her mother burst through that door with questions in her eyes.
"Lillian," she said, leaned herself against the doorway with as much grace as possible, "Lillian, who are you talking to?"
Lilly sat on her bed, too with as much grace as possible, "No one."
Nodding, "Alright."
Door closing, pen grabbing, looking in her Book of Lyrics; Do Not Look, and writingwritingwriting whatever her fingers made her write, whatever he made her write, searching for an answer and for reassurance.
Cross
it said. Lilly bit her lip and stared out of the window at the starry night; she was gonna.
--
She wasn't too peaceful this Tuesday after school, "This is never going to work."
At least she didn't use 'fucking' as much today.
"Fuck man, this'll never be real."
Whoops, spoke too soon.
"This'll never be right. I can't do this. I didn't want this to happen. It's – it's unfair. Fucking unfair."
Lilly nodded slightly. That was all she could do with her Book of Lyrics; Do Not Look in her lap and a clicking pen to calm her nerves so she didn't get angry. Her legs were crossed and Miley was staring at hers, which was slightly different and it actually didn't look too bad.
She was angry, but she smiled, "Nothing's fair, but everything happens for a reason."
Not amused, "Don't fucking say stuff like that to me, I don't wanna hear it!" she paused with a guffaw (not really in a good way), "You can easily sit there and pretend everything's good, you're not the fake one, you're not the artificial one. So just… fucking keep quiet."
She reached her hand out, "You seem angry. Wanna click my pen?"
click-click
"I don't wanna click your fucking pen!"
click-click
"Alright, I'll jut click it myself." Lilly replied, because she was scared and she was angry, and when anger occurred, she really needed to click her pen.
i run up and down
looking for what i've lost,
hoping its found
but sunshine doesn't shine all day,
nothing seems to go my god damn way
"Just click your goddamned pen."
She lifted her upper body slightly and glanced forward again to it in the foot of her bed, and Lilly thought it didn't look too bad, but apparently it did because Miley didn't seem too happy, even if she had tons of flowers and chocolate by her side and she didn't have to go to school.
Something was really wrong with her, Lilly decided. It had been so long now. Twelve days. She should accept it, she should live with it, deal with it, act much more mature as the Miley she knew. Miley didn't curse and Miley smiled and Miley dealt with stuff. Miley was never broken, she was whole and she knew how to fix herself and she usually didn't piss Lilly off.
Lilly clicked her pen again; no anger, no yelling.
"When can you start training? I bet you need to work on your upper body strength. Don't the hospital have a place to do that?"
It was a nice suggestion, nice change in subject, nice safe. Good Lilly, you know exactly how to act un-strange around her.
Miley's eyes lit fire, "Can I please get over the fact that I no longer have a leg before you order me around?"
click-click
"I – I wasn't ordering you around, it was just a…"
"You were ordering me around, please let me get used to this first, oh God Lilly!"
click-click-clickclick
"-a suggestion, it was just a suggestion."
Frowning, "Stop suggesting, then."
clickclick-clickclick
"God Miley!" Lilly mumbled, stood up from her chair with uncrossed arms, but very crossed emotions, "You need to get over yourself so you can get back to normal! You – you need to fix yourself, you need to un-break yourself and be whole."
Scary, very much flaming eyes, "Don't talk to me like that. I'm not broken, I'm not."
Lilly shook her had and went for the door, clickclickclickclickclickclickclick.
--
"Well Jeez, you look like hell."
"Thank you Oliver, you're so kind. I don't know what I'd ever do without you."
Smiling, "It's meant it the best way possible, Lil, you've gotta realize that."
"Oh sure, Ollie, I already know that."
He gave her a tight hug and that was exactly what she needed, she had never needed a hug from Triple-O much more than she did right that moment, because she was exhausted, hadn't slept all night (she'd been thinking about Miley), hadn't been able to even it out in school (teachers were all up in her case), and she knew she was black beneath her eyes and that her hair really needed a wash.
But Oliver kissed the top of it no matter what, "Love you, Lils."
She smiled up at him, and hadn't she been so in love with Miley, she was sure she might have fallen for him, "Love you too, Ollie, you've gotta realize that."
Oliver smiled and placed a kind arm around her, and it was scary because it made her feel so much better, and it helped her see that she had rights to do what she was going to do, and that it had been okay to tell Miley off, because she was right, and Miley needed a bold awakening, and she didn't want to just be anymore, she wanted to experience the whole thing, and that had to be with Miley.
"So what is it that we're here for?" Oliver questioned her as he led them through the throng of people currently shopping at the mall, "You sounded so mysterious over the phone, Lil."
She couldn't help but smirk, "Well. I'm looking for something for Miley." She revealed, because it wasn't much of a secret, but Oliver probably wouldn't understand her if she said what exactly she was looking for.
Oliver stopped then and looked around, "Where to go then?"
Lilly knew exactly what to buy, so if i found the right road to go, or maybe just to take a stroll, i know i will, "We gotta cross the mall, then cross our hearts and find exactly that." She explained, and if Oliver found it weird, he didn't say so, he just followed her now, and she wasn't so sure this time if it was the right thing to do, the right way to go, but if she just looked around, maybe it would all work out.
Oliver, apparently, wanted to make small talk, "So tell me, Lil, how's everything between you and Miley?"
Lilly glanced at him briefly, "Miley disappeared on me."
Oliver, again, did not show it if he found it weird, "Haven't you talked about your date and your feelings?"
Prompt, "My feelings are crossed."
"Miley?"
"Dunno."
He seemed to think for a second (or maybe two?), "But why don't you talk about it?"
Slightly annoyed, crossed, "Miley's not ready to fix herself. She's broken, gone. She left the building, and she's gotta do something about that before I can talk to her. She has to fix herself."
"She very broken?"
"Very."
"I'm gonna talk to her, then." Oliver said, and he had a twinkle and a bunch of promises in his eyes, "I'm gonna talk to Miley."
Lilly nodded, and they had crossed the mall and now they crossed their hearts, "We're here." Lilly said, and stared in awe at the shop they were about to enter, "You wanna help me choose one?"
"Choose what?"
He looked confused and Lilly adored her Ollie.
"Cross."
i know i will
--
Ms. Scribo seemed to be one of the few teachers who didn't treat Lilly differently and Lilly loved her for that, because there was nothing more horrible than Mr. Corelli and how he was okay with the fact that Lilly wasn't prepared in any of his subjects.
"Ms. Truscott, can you pay attention, please?"
And Lilly did so, because Ms. Scribo was her favourite teacher, and she couldn't explain why she fell asleep in her favourite subject, but maybe it was because she hadn't slept all night another night, and had simply stared across the room, to her desk, to her pen and paper, and to where that was lying, so she could give it to Miley. Today.
"Thank you."
Thank you, thank you very much.
Why was she so tired lately? Why couldn't she seem to sleep and just forget for awhile? Why couldn't Miley be better, why couldn't she fix herself and be whole? Why did she have to be so broken, and why did this happen to them? They deserved better, didn't they?
Lilly squeezed her eyes together and stared straight ahead at the blackboard.
if i find the time to answer questions in my mind i know, i know i will, yes, i know i will
Pen on paper, pen on paper, pen on paper, "Lingerer, he says," whisperswhisperswhispers.
"Lillian, could you be quiet, please?"
A nod.
"Thank you."
Thank you, thank you so ever bloody much.
Ms. Scribo stared at her in wonderment, "I'll expect serious work from all of you, even if the subject is free." She continued, and Lilly freaked for a second because she hadn't listened, but learned that everything was written on the blackboard (that's the cool thing about those black boards, eh?), "We'll read the poems up in class and the assignment will be graded."
The bell rang and Lilly stuffed her Book of Lyrics; Do Not Look along with her pen into her bag, and was ready to get out of there, to go to see Miley, but Ms. Scribo stopped her.
"Ms. Truscott, can I speak with you for a minute please?"
She turned around.
"Thank you."
Thank you, thank you fucking much.
Concern written across her pretty face, "What's happening to you, Lillian? Don't disappear on me, please. You have all the possibilities to become something great. You're my most gifted student. Just don't disappear on me, just don't."
And Lilly looked at her, eyes blinking two small tears away as she realized what was happening; she was becoming just like her, forgetting what was important, disappearing on people she shouldn't disappear on, she couldn't be like that, she had to remember, she had to stand strong, because she didn't want to be like that, and if she couldn't, then how would Miley be able to?
"Please, don't disappear on me. I expect great things of you."
Those fucking tears were totally blinked away by now, "I'm sorry," she hoarsely replied, "I won't disappear on you."
Ms. Scribo smiled, "You're meant to touch people with your writing, you can really change something for someone. Your last assignment was… beautiful, and I expect that from you yet again."
Lilly nodded, because she didn't know what to say, but she knew what to think, and she was going to change something for someone; change something horrible to something great for someone who was very dear to her.
"You may leave now."
Lilly turned away to leave.
"Thank you."
Thank you, thank you, I fucking love you.
--
She marched right into Miley's room, the cross dangling from her hand and her skateboard in the other. Miley looked scared-crossed-surprised to see her there, and Lilly threw her bag and her skateboard by her chair and continued her march right up to Miley's bed.
She held her hand out and let the cross dangle loose from her hand, right in front of Miley's face.
The other girl was pale and so unpleasant, but Lilly knew what she was doing.
"Here, Miley." She whispered and her voice was small, and this was going to work because it simply had to, "This might give you hope and help you realize."
She let it drop to the bed and turned away from her friend, stared out the window. God was there, and he helped her keep hope, helped her realize. And Miley needed realization, she had to see that she wasn't okay; she had too see that she was broken before she could ever fix herself and be alright.
"You need to see that you're not alright."
so if i found the right road to go,
or maybe just to take a stroll,
i know i will
Hello everybody. Thank you for sitting through another chapter. I hope it was enjoyable and that I disappointed no one. I want to thank you for the reviews for the last chapter, they mean a lot to me. I hope you're going to leave me your thoughts on this one, too?
Disclaimer; I don't own Hannah Montana and the lyrics are 'Bad Mood' by The Murmurs.