Tada, the long-delayed part two has arrived! Try not to get too excited.
Right away, that mopey choral music begins again and we get credits rolling over a close up of a very confused-looking still of Valjean as a convict. Now, the soundtrack is a bit odd in this film, so I'd like to go ahead and make a catalogue of all the music I've heard so far.
Track one: the mopey choral music. Used so far in the opening, usually amongst scenes of rain and poverty, and when Valjean has A Revelation. It's very Requiem-esque, but not as awesome as some requiems are.
Track two: the tinkly flashback music. This sounds like a pathetic little music box and has so far only been used in that scene with little Cosette (who was really not so very little at all, I have been reminded to mention–she appeared to be at least a preteen when Fantine left her with the Thénardiers. Tsk.) It's mopey too, but in a more sedate way.
Track three: the terrible fairground music. This is the tune that plays during the closing credits, is very repetitive, and makes me want to die. The music that puts a picture in the mind of that sad, mangy little monkey dancing about in a tattered vest and a partially-smashed fez, desperately trying to earn a few cents while his owner lays in a puddle of his own pee nearby and tries to summon up the strength to keep grinding at that stupid little organ thing. I don't remember it being used in the actual story yet, but believe me, you'll know when it is. I will TELL you.
Now, that little catalogue has lasted throughout the mopey choral music and the uninspired title sequence. Welcome to part two!
Oh wait! First, the narrator voice (remember? Sometimes there's a narrator!) recites what has happened thus far while a hilariously bad slideshow of stills from part one slip by accompanied by random sound effects and… oh dear God, the terrible fairground music. This is like… I can imagine the narrator being some guy who was held back for years and years in school and for his senior project in French class he has to put together a PowerPoint about Les Mis, you know? And this is all he's got, poor sucker: Baby's First Slideshow. In other news, it's been so long since I've written fanfic that apparently I've had my computer memory wiped in the interval and I now must teach spellcheck words like "Mis" and "fanfic." FOR SHAME.
Okay, so Jean Valjean was a convict (chains rattle, feet squish in mud) then he was released and met the bishop, "A SAINT," and learned that there was goodness in the world. But he got arrested after stealing some silver and grew a beard and became mayor (carriages rumbling on cobblestones). Fantine gave Cosette to the Thénardiers and then got in a fight. For the fight we get swoopy pictures of Fantine and the woman she was fighting zooming around the screen, making me kind of dizzy, accompanied by the sounds of women yelling at each other. Hilarious. Fantine got fired. She became a ho and got in another fight. Then she got sick and arrested and freed. Valjean lifted a cart and Javert was suspicious. Not sure why I felt the need to recap this. I'm sure you know what went down…
Aha, stuff happens! Javert goes up some stairs and encounters one of those nuns in those ENORMOUS hats that seem to be made of the paper teachers use to cover bulletin boards. He asks after the mayor, who is hanging out with Fantine and not to be disturbed. However, simply by saying "I freaking want to talk to him okay" Javert is allowed in. Wow, that's clout. Javert follows the nun up the rest of the stairs and she goes into Fantine's room, where Madeleine is getting Fantine to sign that letter so he can go get Cosette. There is a flipping massive crucifix above Fantine's head. If that thing fell off the wall I'm pretty sure it would kill her. And that would be ironic.
The nun calls Madeleine out of the room in a whispery voice. In the hall, Javert is waiting. Ooh. Valjean is wearing one of those awesome coats that have the little cape-y part at the top, which is cool and I want one. Javert is still wearing his ginormous top hat despite being indoors. Silly Javert.
They have a serious discussion. It is about how Javert wants to be fired for being a douchebag. DUDE. My spellcheck just tried to automatically capitalise "douchebag." Why? Anyway, he reported Madeleine as Valjean and all that, you know, and Valjean doesn't wanna fire him because, quite frankly, he was right. If he HAD fired him, do you reckon Javert would have gone all, like, vigilante or something once it came out that Madeleine was Valjean? That would have been SWEET. In the background, nuns walk with sick people.
That's another thing that's actually genuinely good about this movie. There's always a sense of the setting, you know? Like you can hear voices in the street and dogs barking outside, or nuns tending to sick people in the next room. It's got a level of realism that I'm not used to from generic Hollywood movies.
Uh-oh, now there's a crucifix and the mopey choral music. Madeleine is gazing into a mirror which is framed by the candlesticks and what appears to be the inseparable, though maybe it's just a box. I start to expect too much from this movie sometimes, as it's been so (too?) faithful to the Book thus far. But then again, what would be in the inseparable now? He hasn't met Cosette or anything. I guess the candlesticks? But it's too small for that. Okay, this is seriously not important at all and I apologise for wasting your time.
As the mayor stares at his reflection we crossfade into a carriage going top speed. In that carriage… MADELEINE! Off to Arras to do some Champmathieu saving.
The Terribly-Directed Courtroom Sequence. The camera holds completely still and all of a sudden some guy's head pops up into my line of vision, directly in the middle of the screen. He starts yelling that Champmathieu is totally not a thief cos there's no proof. Then we cut to another shot with a different guy, also right in the middle of the screen, also just a close-up on his head. He's talking about how Valjean stole some money from a kid. Cut back and the same guy from before pops up into the frame again. I guess he must have sat down at some point, but from the way it's presented it kinda looks like he's just popping up higher and higher with every shot. Maybe he's been getting into the Arras Brand Fizzy Lifting Drink. Who knows? He argues with that other guy, and then a third guy appears in the same exact way, just a face in the middle of the screen. Right. This guy calls for Brevet, Clochepaille, and Chenildieu. The three men walk right up into the camera, but because the shots are set up so strangely, you only see the middle dude's face and the shoulders of the guys on either side of him. The middle dude, by the way, looks like that bald pirate from Curse of the Black Pearl who hangs out with that tall pirate with the wooden eye. I know their characters have names, but I can only remember the actors' names, so that's no good. Mackenzie and Lee… I don't know.
Anyway, about the Les Mis movie! I'm just so full of tangents today, geez.
The three convicts declare one at a time that Champmathieu, who is played by Lino Ventura, of course, is Jean Valjean. Also wait just a minute! When the guys declare that it's Valjean, you know, they each stagger straight up to the camera amongst rattling chains, but then the camera cuts away to the judge and when it cuts back they're all standing in a straight line again. I call shenanigans! Continuity shenanigans!
Blahdeblah, Champmathieu is a silent kind of stupid in this movie, which is pretty lame, because I'm very fond of the crazy kind. Anyway, there's a big impressive shot that pans jerkily around the courtroom, presumably to show how cool they are for including Champmathieu and Valjean in the same shot despite their being the same actor. Whatever, it just comes off looking sloppy.
Valjean calls out the convicts one at a time, then takes off his hat and says to Champmathieu, "Monsieur, you are free." Ooh, callback to the first line of the movie! I like it. However, is it weird that I really rather miss the 1978 woodcutter speech? I think that one was slightly more Bookish. Anyway, Champmathieu and his big hairy moustache get all teary-eyed. The orchestral version of the mopey chorus music plays. If it's the same tune, just without singing, does it qualify as track four on the Very Short Soundtrack of the 1982 Movie? I say no.
Valjean quickly packs a bag and includes the candlesticks, of course.
It's night. Fantine wakes mumbling about Cosette and Valjean, that LYING LIAR, LIES and says she's here. Just voluntarily. Then, the little twerp turns to NEVER TOLD A LIE SIMPLICE and says, "Isn't that right, sister?" to which OF COURSE the poor thing has to say yes. So THANKS, Valjean, THANKS A LOT, because you just RUINED her LIFE because you're being a total douche and what was so wrong about the way that Book Valjean let Simplice lie? Gosh darn you, Lino Val Ventura. Gosh darn you to heck. WAY TO GO, VALJEAN. WAY TO FORCE THE NUN TO BACK UP YOUR LIE BY USING A DYING WOMAN AND GUILT. I hate you now. Fredric March never would have done that.
So it's dark and Fantine is glittery with sweat and the nun tells her Cosette is pretty. What the heck, let's cut back to the inn scene one more time! There's Fantine walking off in the invisible rain, there's Cosette looking after her, and there's the tinkly flashback music. Fantine is dead.
SHENANIGANS! Where is Javert? For serious! I don't think I've seen a movie where Javert didn't scare Fantine to death! Or maybe I have, I don't know.
Oh, and there he comes. YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE, BUDDY. He says "Valjean. You're going to follow me to the prison." For heaven's sake, even Charles Laughton delivered that "Valjean" with more gumption than this! Doesn't Hugo go on and on about how the way Javert said that was horrible and snarl-y or something? Doesn't he?? Because this Javert just kind of says it, like the way you'd say, "Valjean, I'm off to do some more homework. See you in a bit, I guess." SHENANIGANS.
Uh okay, so we get that conversational little, "Ah! Valjean." thing from Javert and then Valjean tells him that three days are all he needs and WAIT WAIT WAIT FANTINE IS ASLEEP. Not dead. I think. No, wait, never mind… I think she's dead… I disapprove in a forserious fashion. No, yeah, Valjean just said she was dead. My bad. I guess I foolishly expected him to display emotion or something. Anyway, Javert asks him to follow but Valjean elects to jump through a window instead. Which I *think* would wake Fantine if she were alive, so I'm gonna assume that yeah, she's dead. Fail, "accurate" movie. FAIL.
WATERLOO! OMG Waterloo! It was a brief flashback to Waterloo and Thénardier doin his corpse-robbing fun stuff. Now he's sitting at the table telling the story while his wife eats soup from a giant wooden serving spoon and Éponine or Azelma pokes a doll with a screwdriver while Azelma or Éponine balls up some kind of dough. No one really seems to be listening to Thénardier's crappy Waterloo story. Don't blame 'em. I often skim the Waterloo section myself. Also, no one else seems to be in the inn at all, which is not great for business. Anyway, Thénardier grabs a candle and wanders out of the room mumbling about "Pontmercy. Colonel Pontmercy. He was very rich."
Madame calls Cosette up from under the stairs, where she seems to be knitting, and tells her to take her bucket and a coin and go and fetch some water from the well in the wood and either the kid has bad gas or there's a cow somewhere in the room. This worries me. It also worries me that Cosette has raggedy blonde hair. She BETTER become a brunette by the time she gets out of the convent, let me tell you.
So Cosette takes her big old bucket and goes out into the woods, where menacing things happen. Like birdcalls. Terrifying. To be honest, after a while the birdcalls actually start to sound like lemurs and I start to think how cool it would be if there were more lemurs in Les Mis. Don't ask me how or why. Just go with it. Like, imagine Javert walking a pet lemur on a leash. It would have, like, those spikes on its collar, you know? A police lemur. The lemur equivalent of K9. Not K9 the robot dog from Doctor Who, either, but K9 the police guys who have dogs for some reason.
Oh dear Lord what was I talking about? I should never do these recaps at three in the morning. When I'm high on nail polish fumes (not intentionally, mind! I'm doing little French flags on me fingers for June 6th while I watch the movie, okay?) and lack of sleep.
UHHH Cosette is in the woods. With a bucket. And lemurs. BIRDS. Not lemurs. It really does sound like the birdhouse thing at the zoo, though. The aviary? Kind of ridiculous. And I'm saying that chiefly because it's night. Though I've never been to France. For all I know night is when all the parrots and lemurs come out.
She finally approaches either a public urinal, a fountain, or the well in the wood. It's kind of a mini-waterfall that seems to be coming out of a stump. Bad lighting. While she's filling the bucket some legs appear and tell her she's too little to carry the bucket herself or something. The camera pans up to reveal that those legs belong to none other than Monsieur Jean Valjean! Who knew.
Man, they spent two full minutes of the movie on Cosette wandering through the woods set to bird-lemur noises when they could have included the scene where she can't carry the pail and cries out to God and then Valjean appears? I mean, come ON, movie! You had G–! You can't have stuff like G– and omit details like that that could so easily be included, you know?
LOL what am I talking about? You'd think by now I'd have seen enough of these films to know that the good never lasts past part one. NEVER. No matter how accurate you think the French are going to be at the beginning, by the time you introduce Cosette the audience at home is scratching their heads and squinting in confusion at the screen. Or, in my case, recapping crankily. At 3:00 in the morning. Oy.
SUDDEN CUT! Cosette is freaking SCREECHING in my ear for heaven's sake and I have to turn the volume down else I'll get blood on my headphones. Gosh. I'm just sitting here enjoying the "jungle ambiance" soundtrack from the woods scene and all of the sudden, unexpected child abuse! Geez. Ow. Anyway, Madame's pissed because her coin has gone missing and she really wants to slap Cosette. I kind of do too at this point. My ear! You don't even know! But then Valjean earns my love yet again by shutting them up when he gives Madame another coin, saying he thinks it's hers. Madame agrees that it is, but as soon as Valjean turns his back she noms it a little to make sure it's forreal. Which I doubt she'd have done if it was her coin. She has Cosette fetch Valjean some delicious wine.
Cosette brings Valjean some delicious wine while Madame and Monsieur conspire a little bit and gaze at Valjean. Then Valjean randomly has a doll and asks Cosette what she thinks of it. She thinks it's "belle," that's what she thinks of it. Then there's a wide shot of the Thénardiers sitting up on this loft thing, and sure enough, there's a cow under them! Why? Why is there a cow in the inn? I want to make some kind of Bethlehem joke but it's too early in the dang morning for that. If anyone can come up with a really good one I'll totally put it in the next chapter where it will be very relevant, I assure you.
Anyway, Cosette is permitted to touch the doll, go her. She's going to name it Catherine, she says, though she doesn't know why, and then she's even permitted to play thanks to the kind stranger! Aww, Cosette, things are looking up! I hope you become a good actress like you did in 2000 when Gerard Depardieu was your adopted daddy.
Well, Thénardier shows up and chats with Valjean about how business isn't great and they're renting out rooms to cows now, apparently, and it sucks raising someone else's kid. Valjean asks if he wants rid of her and gets mumbled at for a long time while the camera starts pulling away for some reason. Valjean finally asks How much? and Thénardier says fifteen hundred. Cosette is huddled in the corner making sad eyes at this.
Boy soprano music plays! My goodness, this is a legitimate track four! Valjean and Cosette stroll away from the inn through a foggy meadow and grin back and forth at each other. Peachy!
Paris, One Year Later. The Scene That Almost Gave Loony a Good Heart Attack the First Time She Saw It. That's a long description, but I'm sure you'll be okay. There's a cranky looking man with one of those faces like the Sims creates for unlovable NPC townies, those guys with narrow eyes and chubby cheeks and fat lips who show up running restaurants in the expansion packs and are great fun to kill with boolProp cheats when they walk by your Sims' houses. Anyway, a guy with a face like an unwanted Sim is sitting there and sulking while cops talk at him about how he's not talking or naming the other guys. Javert is there, of course, and he says the guy's name is Gustave, I think. All right. He then says that the reason the cops want Gustave here to talk is because he's pals with Claquesous, Babet, and Montparnasse. WAIT A MINUTE HOLD UP YES. Oh holy smokes. Because now I forgive you, movie, I forgive you for one JUST ONE MIND of your faults. Hmm, let's see… I'm gonna narrow it down to three choices: being boring, forcing Simplice to lie in a stupid way, and incorrectly killing Fantine.
Wait what? Now Javert is calling Gustave here Gueulemer. THAT. Is Gueulemer? Listen… alright, alright, I guess I shouldn't whine. At least Gueuly's in a film, right? And not being replaced by that hussy Brujon, right? Okay. Still, you've already messed things up enough that I can no longer forgive you for being boring. I think you can redeem your forgiveness coupon for incorrectly killing Fantine at the front desk now. I'll wait till you get back.
Okay, you good? Excellent. Let's get back to, uh… Gustave Gueulemer?
Maybe they said he works for somebody named Gustave or something… geez, I gotta brush up on my French.
Anyway! Gueulemer! In a film! With a bigger role than all the other boys so far! That'll show them for replacing him with that HAG Brujon in the musical! Hey, maybe Bahorel will have a significant role in this movie, too! Maybe he'll replace a lesser Ami, like… haha, the only one I don't specifically like is Enjolras. And that ain't gonna happen. I hope. Kind of.
AHH JAVERT JUST SAID GUEULEMER AND THE OTHER THREE FORMED THE PATRON-MINETTE AND THEN BABET WORKED FOR BOBECHE AND BOBINO AND THEN HE SAID CLAQUESOUS IS A VENTRILOQUIST WHO ONLY COMES OUT AT NIGHT AHHHHH ACCURACYGASM! WHOA. WHOA. GOOD HEAVENS. BECAUSE HE'S SAYING ACCURATE THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER BOYS AND I KNOW WHO COMES NEXT AHHHHH.
"I know that Montparnasse is only twenty. That he's a handsome boy. (Something I can't make out), effeminate, elegant and ferocious." LOONY NEEDS TO GO CHANGE HER PANTS BE RIGHT BACK.
DEAR GOD. Okay, now I also forgive you for being boring, movie! Dear God!
But I'm still pissed about the Simplice thing, okay? That ain't cool.
Anyway, Javert continues to show off that he read that one section of the Brick about the Patron-Minette and stuff and Gueulemer looks quite bored. Then Javert starts talking about argot and it's like, dude, Norman Denny couldn't even handle this stuff for his "unabridged" book… what makes you think it'll work out in the movie?
OH DIEU. As Javert is leaving the room the other cops start yelling the names of those Patron-Minette redshirts. I specifically heard Boulatrelle. Holy heavens!
Uh okay new scene. Good. I don't think my poor heart can take anymore. Valjean is homeschooling Cosette in a really gross dirty room just like every other dirty room in this film. He explains things like the meaning of "marvellous" and how Cosette's mother was pretty cool too. I love hearing the people talking out in the streets and stuff. This movie is fun. Despite its boringness and Javert's ridiculously large hat, which is currently right outside Valjean's window. Valjean looks unhappy at this development.
The Running of the Prostitutes! I swear to God that's what's happening. A group of women who can't not be prostitutes are all jogging together, being herded by cops. I swear. This is beautiful. They run right into the cops' cart just like Jeremy and Jemima did with the Childcatcher. This scene is clearly not even relevant to the rest of the film, because then we see Valjean's landlady nosing around his door and reporting back to Javert. Javert is already a step ahead, however, and has recruited an army of littler men in Napoleon hats to follow his enormous top hat around. He brushes the landlady aside and marches right up into that Gorbeau Tenement.
Awesomely and unsurprisingly, they're too late! Valjean and Cosette are already well gone. Haha.
Javert looks vaguely embarrassed, but then sets his guys on the three possible paths they must have taken. Cosette has even left her writing stuff behind. Except there's a note from Valjean for the landlady: "I owe you a month. Here's three!" Win.
Speaking of win. Cosette and Valjean are now in the convent garden. They came in through the door that Book Valjean wishes he'd known about in the first place. There's appropriately creepy chanting from inside. Valjean knocks on Fauchelevant's window. Dang, that was rather easy. Where's Cosette's half-dead-ness and the knee bell scene, ey? Gosh.
Well, their lame escape sure confused Javert's moustachioed Napoleon impersonator army. This makes him sad for about half a second. Then he stomps off.
Fauchelevant's Little Hagrid Hut. He's telling about the bell! Aw, good, I like that knee bell. He's also laughing and chewing with his mouth open. Valjean looks like such a gentleman, too. It's like The Odd Couple: The Early Years. The two old guys decide Cosette can go to convent school when she wakes up. Then Valjean makes a dramatic face and looks kind of like Abe Lincoln, weirdly enough. Either that or my granddaddy.
The next morning Valjean drinks a bowl of coffee or something. Fauchelevant tells him about how the bell tolls for some nun who died and OH DEAR GOD PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS LEADING UP TO A GREAT COFFIN ESCAPE SEQUENCE. He grabs his knee bells and staggers out, nomming coffee soup on the way.
Outside. Fauchelevant and his knee bells (which are, I'm afraid, in his hand) see a group of nuns and nun children. They stare at him in all his manly glory for a moment, then spin around on their heels and hurry away.
Inside. Fauchelevant talks to a pretty fierce looking Mother Superior. She wants the recently dead nun, Mother Ascension, I think… or Mother Crucifixion… are these actual names?... to be buried in the chapel. Coffin escape! Coffin escape! Eerie church music is echoing in the background, like Sister Act before Whoopi showed up. Fauchelevant agrees to help bury dead nun in the chapel. YOU KNOW, HE NEEDS. THE COFFIN ESCAPE. Fauchelevant says he needs his brother to help him, and by the way said brother has a daughter. The Mother Superior looks interested.
Fade to black. Oh dear, please no… GOSH DANG. The Great Coffin Escape has been skipped! Okay, I'll forgive this, sure, but I'm mad about Simplice again. Fine. We had that same dang "He answers well" scene that every half-decent movie manages to include. Then they look at Cosette and say she will be ugly. Haha.
Fauchelevant and his knee bells lead Cosette and Valjean into the gardener hut thing. The boy soprano music, or rather, track four, plays in a rather melancholy way. A crossfade cuts to Valjean and a young lady in a circular bonnet walking out. In fact, Valjean walks right into the camera. When someone does this in a movie, I always feel the need to say ow. So, ow.
In That Same Room With The Reverend Mother. You know she's older cos she has glasses and a slight moustache. Valjean says he and Cosette are planning to peace out and gives the Reverend Mother money. Cosette… oh dear. She's brunette and rather pretty, but she doesn't actually have facial expressions. That's unfortunate. They leave and the Reverend Mother tells them to be happy.
Fairground music time! Here ends the second phase in the life on Jean Valjean, I guess. Gee, that was a long one.
Uh-oh! Turns out the boy soprano music is actually the same as the tinkly music which I believe is track two… so, no dice. Still no track four. Come ON, soundtrack!