Okay, so, I've had the worst case of writers block. I apologize, but I am extremely disappointed with no reviews. It sucks, I love having approval and feedback on my writing. It feels amazing- knowing that people are praising you for something you did. Also, my father had a heart attack a couple days ago and nothing has even crossed my mind. He need to get to stint- or however you spell it- put into two of his arteries. One had already collapsed and yeah. There are now pictures up on my profile on what the characters look like. This chapter is mostly going to be a filler based on Ana's Perspective. The songs for this chapter is 'Sideways' By Citizen Cope and 'Specialist' by Interpol. You'll know when they come into play. This chapter might be sad. Onward with Chapter 4!
I was confused by Reid's attitude, I didn't like the fact that I couldn't figure out what was going on behind those memorizing blue eyes. I'm not going to lie but Reid Garwin is hot. I've always had a thing for tall, skinny, blond, tattooed, and pierced boys. There was a certain charm about them that made my skin crawl- in the good way. I itched to be the girl they wanted to have meaningless fuck with. That's fucked up, but hey, I'm only human right?
After a while of random nonsense with Reid, Michelle demanded that we go home. I had to comply, she was so cute with that little pout. I carried her out of the water with Reid trailing on behind.
"Do you want your towel, Michelle?" I asked.
"Yes!" she yelled.
"'yes' what?" I grabbed her towel.
"Yes, please," she said smiling. I handed it over to her.
I turned towards Reid and smiled, "Well thanks for hanging out with us and putting up with this monster," I pointed towards Michelle, she frowned, "Tell Tyler I said hey."
"Sure, Sure and it was my pleasure,"
"Well, bye. Say bye Michelle,"
"Bye Reid!" she smiled.
"Bye guys." he said while turning around.
I grabbed my towel, wrapping it around myself. I picked up the bag and signaled Michelle to follow me. When we had reached the car Michelle's face had contorted into confusion. She looked up at me, then back down.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" I asked while throwing the bag into the back and putting my towel down on my seat.
"What? Oh, uh, nope." She said, hopping into the car.
"Come on, Sis. I know something is on your mind,"
"Well, I was, just, uh, wondering," she froze, "How come me and you dun look like? How come Reid asked if you was baby-sitting? I dun get it"
"Sweetie, you and I have different daddy's. Thats why we don't look alike."
"Wha hap-ened to yours?"
"My dad passed away."
"How?"
"He...I never asked, Mom how it happened." I was lying through my teeth and I was praying to whatever God there was that she wouldn't see.
"Oh."
We rode to the house in silence and by the time we got home it was a little past time for dinner. I didn't realize that we were there for that long. I guess time really does fly by when you're having fun. I was exhausted and had a pounding headache. As we walked through the door we were greeted by our Mom, "Did you girls have a good time!?"
Michelle nodded frantically, "Yes! It was awesome!"
"Fantastic! I'm so-" I cut her off.
"I told Michelle." She looked at me like I was crazy.
"Told her what, Hun?" asked confused.
"That she's my half-sister." She look relieved that it wasn't something else, but a little peeved.
"Can I talk to you in private?" she asked.
"Of course,"
"Michelle, how about you go watch some TV with Daddy?" she nodded her head in response and took off in that direction. Once we were alone, the anger poured out.
"Why did you tell her?!"
"She asked and I wasn't going to lie!"
"I told you not to tell her. Her father and I were going to tell her! Did she take it well?"
"She took it just fine. Some boy asked if I was babysitting at the lake and I told him she was my half sister and I guess she over heard. I'm sorry."
"It's fine, I guess." She said shaking her dyed curls.
"I'm going to skip dinner tonight. I don't feel so well." with that I walked upstairs and towards my bed room. I was ready to take a nice cool shower and just relax. And that's what I did.
I washed my hair with my Aussie products and scrubbed my body until it turned a little red. The smell of coconuts and grapefruit filled the bathroom and my bedroom. It was simply intoxicating. I wandered over to my closet and a big gray shirt and black shorts and hopped into bed.
(Cue 'Sideways' By Citizen Cope. Italics are Ana's dream and a *** signals a new one)
It was a snowy Christmas here in Ipswich and it was my three months past my tenth birthday. I was falling asleep with my father tell me a bed time story, it was Cinderella. My favorite. He had been acting kind of distant lately and I didn't think anything of it. Once he noticed I was starting drifting into sleep, he kissed my cheek, told me he loved me, and left. I was sleeping with a smile on my face, imagining how great this Christmas would be. How awesome it was to have this family, that loved me unconditionally even when I got into that fight with Kira Snider in school.
I woke up around 5 A.M. I ran into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and my hair, excited and curious. I couldn't wait to see my parents and of course, to open the presents. I bolted down the stairs and into the kitchen to see if Santa had eaten any of the cookies. But what I found was a letter addressed to me and my mother, inside it said,
My dearest Ana and beloved Madison,
I love you two so much more than you can imagine. What I have done was purely based upon my decision and mine alone. I'm so sorry.
Love Dad.
I looked up to see my father hanging from a rope. I felt everything inside of me die. I was slipping into the blackness of my heart and I let out a pure and raw scream. I dropped to my knees yelling and screaming. My mother ran down the stairs to see what was wrong and she was graced with the sight of my clutching onto the letter for my life, sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath and I was loosing a sense of myself.
I wondered why. How. When. Why. My mother broke down and called the police. I couldn't do anything. I watched as they took the body down. I was frozen. No noise escaped me. Not even when the fat officer asked me if he could have the letter. I kicked him. I was convinced this was some kind of sick joke, some fucked up dream from hell. That it was some disgusting nightmare.
I was hit with reality when the funeral approached and then I lost it. The memorial was closed casket, and everything I knew was gone. It was like when he died, he took me with him. I saw my mother shut down, not knowing what to do or say when anyone said, "I'm so sorry."
When it was time to bury his body, I blew up. I remember the whole town seeing me break and freak out. I yelled, cried, puked, cursed, kicked, and punched. There was nothing I could do and some how it felt like it was all my fault.
***
(Cue Specialist by Interpol now. Starting another dream. End of the dream is when it goes back to normal font.)
The smell of alcohol hit me like a punch in the face. My mother had brought home another man, another worthless fuck. I looked up to see her face, emotionless, she waved and walked past with a somewhat chunky man, with brown hair and green eyes. I walked up to my room and picked up the one thing that could make me happy.
The beautiful silver razor. It was like God's gift to the miserable. I took the blade to the inside and let loose. The feeling of the warm liquid run out was heavenly. It made everything seem so right, but so wrong. I looked to the picture of him, my dad, he was smiling and I frowned.
Tears had made their presence known by rolling down my cheeks. I stood up washing and wrapping my wrist, realizing that it was time for the baby bird to leave the nest. I packed a small back pack with a brush, a toothbrush, under ware, and some clothes. I ran down stairs, looking around for my mom and the man but they were nowhere to be found.
And I ran. I didn't know where I was going, I knew I had school the next day, but a lot of people turned out fine without it, right? I thought of it as an expedition to find myself. That was, until, I found my self at my father's grave sight.
I looked down to it and silently whispered, "Why did you do this to us? Why didn't I see this earlier?" I sat there for hours crying, unaware that my mother had called the police when she couldn't find me anywhere.
"I long to be like you in that dirt with everyone else. Is that why you did this? To escape? To run?" I asked to no one.
I woke up panting, with sweat all over my body. I felt disgusting, I hadn't had a dream like that in forever. I didn't realized I was crying, I touched my cheek and I was as if I could still feel my father's kiss on my cheek.
There is chapter 4. Ana's dad killed himself. I cried while writing this, I was using my own feelings from when my mom told me my dad had a heart attack and my own feelings when Ana is cutting herself. I have a destructive past, not like sexual molestation, rape, or what not. I suffer and still suffer from a huge fear of letting people down and being rejected. I take it too hard, and my dad was never really around for me. I attempted suicide and failed. When I was the hospital it was the first time I had seen my dad cry. And now I'm crying. I hope you liked it.