Stillness
Chapter 7Thank you all for the reviews, I secretly love all the angst too lol. I have no excuses for the lack of updates except that real life once again has me very busy. I did update "Behind the Scenes" the other day, so please check that out. I must say that I enjoyed typing up this chapter. Enjoy this chapter and please review!!
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KNOCK KNOCK
Lucas turned the knob to his door and slowly opened it.
"Nathan?" Lucas questioned as he peaked out through the door.
"Hey..you free?" Nathan clutched the basketball in his hand.
"Umm.. yeah." Lucas responded as he carefully opened the door and stepped out but made sure to keep it slightly ajar.
"What's going on?" Lucas asked as he took in his brother's attire, a cut off shirt, basketball shorts and sneakers.
"I was wondering if you wanted to shoot around." He said hopefully.
"Funny.. I thought you'd still be in Arizona." Lucas raised an eyebrow as he sat down on the steps and Nathan joined him.
"You talked to Haley?"
Lucas nodded. Nathan was about to say something, but the words failed him. Ever since he got back from Arizona, he felt even more loss than ever.
"I didn't think you would go that far, what happened?"
"Yeah, well it didn't work." Nathan sighed.
"So you're really going to go to ASU, what about Duke?"
"I don't know man. Their coach likes me but it's getting close to the start of the semester so he doesn't know if he can have me .. and at the same time pre-training at Duke starts up in a few weeks and if they find out what I did … or what I'm trying to do .. I don't think they would like that very much." Nathan put it mildly.
Lucas nodded, seeing the defeated look on his brother's face. "I still can't believe you did that.. when you said you would do anything.. I didn't think you would actually do that .. I thought Duke was your dream school."
"Whatever." Nathan shrugged, Duke didn't mean anything with out Haley, nothing did. "Like I said, it didn't work out too well."
"What happened? If you don't mind me asking."
"I thought you talked to Haley."
"Yeah, but I want to know what you think."
"Why?" Nathan asked. "It doesn't matter."
"It matters to me .. look Nate, despite everything that's happened with me and you .. and you and Haley.. we're .. we're still brothers and it doesn't have to be either or .. I'm here for both of you.. even if it's just to listen … cuz seriously dude.. you look like shit." Lucas tried to joke and lighten up the mood. It was clear that Nathan just needed someone to talk to, it's clear to anyone that the situation still didn't look good for him and Haley.
"Gee thanks." Nathan rolled his eyes. "So you know I went to LA?"
"Yeah.. how much did you spend on flowers?"
"A lot." Nathan chuckled. "We talked a little bit but nothing really happened, I figured she was scared which was understandable, I needed her to know I wasn't going anywhere and so it came to me that if I wasn't going anywhere, I have to be where she will be so I hightailed to Arizona and begged them to let me transfer."
"And then you went to orientation?"
"Yeah, I am still Haley's husband so I was able to get us in the same dorm room .. I tried.. again and I umm.. I thought I made some progress.. the room was really cold because of the AC and we ended up sharing the same bed."
"What?"
"More like, me pushing the beds together and sort of forcing Haley to snuggle up to me to keep me warm."
"Well that explains it." Lucas rolled his eyes.
"Relax, I didn't do any more than thought." Nathan wanted to point out. Yes, he missed his wife like crazy but he wasn't going to do something like that to her, he knew how much sex meant to her, something he learned a long time ago when they dated.
"It was nice you know… having her in my arms like, holding her while she slept. God I don't even know how late I stayed up just watching her, everything felt right. I know I was in denial this past year, I know we're meant to be together but then I woke up." Nathan sighed.
"And what happened."
"The dream ended and the reality sunk in, she was gone and left me a note saying good bye and not to ruin my chances at Duke."
"Wow."
"I guess she didn't tell you that part." Nathan raised his eyebrow.
"She didn't give specifics.. I'm.. I'm sorry man."
Nathan shrugged. "I don't know what to do anymore.. on one hand I want Haley more than anything but what am I going to do if I don't get to ASU.. I can move there and then what? I'd have no job, not going to school.. I'm sure Haley will love that." He said sarcastically. "Or go to Duke and be two thousand miles apart." Nathan sighed.
Lucas felt sorry for his brother, it seemed like no matter what he did, he would be boxed in. The only way things could work out is if ASU accepted Nathan, which given how late it was in the summer, it seemed doubtful. The roster has already been filled.
"She keeps leaving me." Nathan muttered softly and Lucas looked at him curiously.
"She keeps leaving me." He said in a louder tone. "She left me for the tour and I nearly died .. you know that." Nathan added when Lucas gave him a weird look.
"Huh?"
"Cooper.. the race track."
"Oh." Lucas sucked in his breath. "That wasn't an accident?" He prodded.
Nathan scratched his head. "Yes.. no .. I don't know.." Nathan paused. "I went to see Haley on tour.. I tried to get her to come back home but.." Nathan shook his head. "She didn't want to .. she didn't want me and so on my way back I was so hurt and angry and then Taylor called me .. well you know what happened." Nathan looked down. "Anyways, after that, I felt even crappier and that's when Cooper came to town and well you were there." Nathan said off-handily.
"You could've stopped but you kept driving faster." Lucas recalled.
"The speed felt nice.. it took away the pain.. dulled it." Nathan rubbed his hands together and sighed once more. "After that I accepted that Haley left me and she wasn't coming back and that I had to move on.. I couldn't go through all that again."
"And that's why you kept pushing Haley away when she came back." Lucas filled in the blanks while Nathan remained silent. He knew Nathan was hurt when Haley left, but unless it happened to you then you don't know how the other person felt. "I.. I wish you would've told me .. or someone." Lucas replied. He may not have liked what he put Haley through but at least now he had a better idea of what he was going through. He knew Nathan was having a hard time, the extent of which he didn't know.
"I sort of talked to Peyton.. but it wasn't something I felt like sharing at the time." Nathan lamented as he swirled the basketball in his hands.
"So what are you going to do?" Lucas asked carefully after another long pause.
"I.. I don't know.. I don't even know where she is.. Luke, you know where.. ahh.. nevermind." Nathan said frustrated.
"Nate.."
"Look, you don't have to tell me where she is.. I don't want to put you in the middle."
"I already sort of am."
"Well you know what I mean.. and it's not like I can go out and just fly to wherever I want .. I'm sure my dad is going to freak once he sees his credit card bill and that I may not be playing at Duke anymore or at any school for that matter."
"I'm.. I'm sorry Nate.." Lucas didn't know what else to say.
"Luke, it's okay I deserve it I don't need your symp.."
"I meant." Lucas interrupted. "I'm sorry I'm going to kick your ass in ball." Lucas teased as he grabbed the ball from Nathan, hoping basketball would give Nathan the proper distraction, at least for a little bit.
Nathan gave a small smile, relieved to move on to something else other than his sorrows. He hoped shooting around would help clear his mind.
"Just give me a second." Lucas stood up. "I'm just going to change." Lucas tossed the ball back to him and looked up at the thickening clouds. He hoped it wasn't going to rain, the forecast didn't call for it today.
"Okay.. I'll wait for you in my car." Nathan got up and walked towards his parked car. When he saw Nathan get in, Lucas went back inside his room and closed his door, making sure to lock it.
He turned to Haley who was sitting on his bed, her face expressionless and unreadable.
"You heard that?" Lucas asked carefully.
She looked up, her face a mask of doubt and insecurity. "Yes." She said barely above a whisper.
. . .
Two hours later and in the middle of the River Court, Lucas dribbled the ball. Taking a look at the basket, he raised his right arm and hurled the ball to the basket. He hit the rim but the ball didn't go in.
"And that's E!" Nathan raised his hand in triumph. "That's horse buddy.. you lose.. again." Nathan quipped.
The two brothers shot around for a little bit and then played a game of one on one. Neither Scott was playing to their fullest, just content to pass the time on this lazy afternoon. The clouds helped cover the sun, so it wasn't too hot but it was starting to get humid. Nathan won of course but Lucas had a feeling that Nathan was letting him win. They started to play a game of Horse and this time Nathan didn't hold back and full on trash talking ensued.
"No.. we're playing plurals." Lucas replied.
"What? The game's Horse not Scrabble." Nathan gave his brother a confused look.
"No.. plural meaning.. Horses.. so I still get another chance."
Nathan couldn't hold back his laughter and neither could Lucas.
"You are such a loser!" Nathan teased.
"Look.. I don't know how you made that last shot in but no way I'm losing."
"Sorry bro. .I won.." Nathan chuckled as he picked up the basketball. "Horses.. I can't believe you."
"One more round." Lucas wasn't going to go home empty handed.
"Fine." Nathan shrugged. "If you want to loose again then soo…" His voice trailed off as he saw a petite figure walking his way.
"Nate?" Lucas asked as Nathan let the ball fall to the ground. It was then that Lucas turned around to follow Nathan's gaze. Then he turned back to Nathan.
"She's here." Nathan muttered.
Lucas nodded. It sounded like a question but Nathan was just thinking a loud. He couldn't believe that she was really here in Tree Hill. It dawned on him at that moment that Lucas didn't look surprised at all and he wondered just how much in the middle he was in.
"Umm.. I think I'm going to take off." Lucas mumbled as Haley walked closer, but Nathan kept his focus on Haley, not even acknowledging his exit.
Lucas and Haley locked eyes for a second while they walked by each other and then a second later, she was in front of Nathan.
"Hi." She mumbled after a moment of silence.
"Hi.. you're here." Nathan replied. "I.." Nathan tried to speak but he was still in shock.
"I'm sorry I just took off like that back at ASU." Haley broke the ice.
"No.. it's okay." Nathan stepped closer. "I'm glad you're back." Nathan reached out and tucked away a stray strand of hair behind her ears, a move that always left Haley's stomach doing flops. But just as quickly, she took a step back.
"I don't know how to do this." She said honestly.
"What? Us?"
Haley nodded and Nathan took a step closer to her.
"Haley, I love you and I know I hurt you .. but I want us to be together again .. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize this but.."
"It's not that easy." She took another step back.
"Yes, it can be."
"No it can't." Haley's voice choked and she looked like she was going to crack at any second.
"Then why are you here? Why are you back in Tree Hill?" He pushed her.
"I… I .." Haley was fumbling with her words. After leaving ASU, Haley felt totally lost again. Seeing Nathan and being with him again had sent her reeling. It was so easy to get lost in him again, so tempting. So she sought out the only other person she knew who could comfort her, her best friend, her brother in law and in the place that will always be known as home. It didn't escape her that Nathan would most likely also be around.
He may be getting ahead of himself, but he was damn sure that she was here for him, she had to be. "I know why." He said firmly as he stepped even closer to her and before she could move back again, he wrapped his arms around her and crashed his lips onto hers.
It was as if he was blind and now he could see. What was once black and white was now alive in vibrant colors. It was the most incredible feeling Nathan had, not since the last time he kissed Haley, touched her, felt tongue swirl against his.
They were both so caught up that they didn't notice the drizzle that started to fall. A clasp of thunder in the distance finally alerted them and Haley pulled away from Nathan.
"No.. I can't do this." The rain starting falling harder, masking her tears.
"Yes, you can… we can." Nathan said desperately and he kissed her once more, the feeling of losing her again was too much for him to bear.
With her last ounce of strength, she managed to break away from his embrace.
"No!" She cried out and took a step back. "I can't Nathan.. I can't." The rain poured harder.
"I can't be that girl Nathan." Haley shook her head. "I'm not.. I'm not her."
"What? You can't be what? My wife!" Nathan countered.
"Yes." She cried out. "I'm not perfect, Nathan.. no one is."
"I'm not saying you are." Nathan was perplexed.
"I make mistakes Nathan.. I do and sometimes I want to be selfish and I want to do my own thing … I never meant to hurt you."
"Hales.." Nathan's voice softened.
"I didn't want to hurt you but I did.. I can't take that back and I don't want to go back to where we were and wonder if I make a mistake or if I hurt you that you would shut me out and close me off.. I can't live like that and I can't go through it again." She cried even harder as they were both getting drenched.
"Hales.." Nathan tried to interrupt and moved closer to her but she took another step back.
"You didn't deserve what I put you through.. you were an incredible husband and I took you for granted when I left…I failed you as a wife.. I can't.. I won't do that again." She shook her head and started to run away, away from the man she no longer can hurt, the same man who could no longer hurt her.
To Be Continued . . . .