The Student Life
Chapter Two
I had the letter in my hands and slowly walked into the kitchen; everyone but Emmett at least. I sat it down on the breakfast bar in the middle of the kitchen. Everyone stopped eating or reading and looked straight at me. Alice sat staring at me, her little mouth forming an 'o' but in her eyes you could see her excitement. Esme was practically on the edge of her seat waiting for me to officially tell them the news – they were all expecting the best. The excitement was written all over her face, she couldn't contain it. Carlisle, on the other hand, was looking at me calmly and telling me with his eyes that he was waiting for me to continue.
For a moment I considered just lying to them. I could tell them that I didn't get accepted. Just bring them all down to Earth. I mean they had two children of their own – both go to Ivy League colleges- I'd never seen them this excited by a goddamn acceptance letter. But the light reflecting off of the marble table and that idea just vanished. It was almost as if someone – someone looking over me- was trying to stop me hurting them, the people I love.
"So, Bella, what's the news?" Alice asked. Her voice was high and full of excitement. The thought of lying came back again. But it was gone within a second.
"It's... It's good news, I guess." I was apprehensive about sounding too excited, amazed, and happy or whatever joyful emotion you could think of. All I knew was that they'd make a big deal out of it even thought I don't deserve it. And if I was happy, it would only make matters worse.
"Really dear, that's amazing! I, for one, never doubted you at all...." Esme continued to talk, everyone but me joined in. I blanked them out. Something wasn't right.
They just kept talking, and played everything that had happened to me in the past few years over and over again. It was like I was watching a movie and it was on repeat. But I was never ready for what was to come next, even though I knew what was coming.
With each continuous replay I got more and more angry. I didn't deserve this chance. Someone more charitable did; someone who hadn't killed. I didn't want to go anymore. It didn't matter that I slaved over those awful fucked up textbooks to learn everything. This is what I deserved. To work so hard for something for it then to be pulled away from me. It would make me even or at least set me on the road for being even. Because that's really what I did with my parents life and I screwed it all up. They worked so hard and I screwed it all up.
"I'm not going," I whispered. It shouldn't have been heard over the noise the three of them were making but Esme was some omniscient god or something. She always knew what you were feeling or could hear what you were saying.
Esme's head spinned around and looked straight at me. Everything came to a gradual silence and she spoke.
"What, sweetie? Why not?" She sounded so kind and sincere. It annoyed me so much. I mean, even if you were doing something she disagreed with completely, she always spoke like that. I just wish she would get mad every once in awhile. At least with me, I'm the one that deserves it.
"I just... I just don't want to go anymore. I don't deserve it."
Now it was Carlisle's turn to patronize me with his doctor's voice. How I fucking hate that voice.
"Now, Bella, be reasonable. You committed yourself to your studies months before your exams. You, of all people, deserve this." I hate that voice. It reminds me of how he did nothing to save my mom. Plus how could you say something like that with your own daughter in the room. Who has almost every Ivy League college practically begging for her. It's just wrong.
"You're wrong. I'm just not going."
"Bella..." they said it at the same time. Both with their fake, kind voices.
"I said I'm not going! Geez, does no one here care about what I think? What I need?" I could feel the pent up angry cruise through my body, escaping whatever way it could. And today's escape was through my mouth.
"Bella, of course we do! How could you say something like that?" This time Esme came in, with her all to kind mothering voice. She couldn't be my mom. She had to learn that. But even I have boundaries; I'm not going to scream that in her face.
"No, you don't! Or else we wouldn't even be having this conversation!"
"Bella..." Carlisle came back – he still hadn't dropped the doctor's voice. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I moved out the way, walking right into the corner of the counter.
I screamed in anger and stormed away. Each foot step was given force. I didn't want anyone to follow me. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want any of their parenting crap right now.
I kept that up all the way to my room. I even added the slamming of my door for extra affect. But once I was in the comfort of my own room I broke down. I ran straight for my pillow and buried my face right into it and cried. I just cried silent tear. This happened almost every time I talked to Carlisle. Correction, it happened every time he used that stupid doctor voice.
Thankfully when I eventually stopped crying I wasn't angry anymore. It was more like I was stressed. But lucky for me –in a way - I knew how to relieve the stress: smoking. Now you'd think living with a doctor I would know the health benefits and the problems that go along with it and that crap. But I don't really care. It's the only thing that completely relaxes me.
I reached under my pillow and pulled out my last pack. Damn, I'm gonna need to stock up again, great. I walked over to the French doors that stopped me from walking straight out to the balcony. When I opened the doors a sudden cold breeze blew sending shivers racing through my body. It didn't stop me from going out, by now I was use to the cold weather.
Once outside, I pulled one cigarette out and stored the rest in my pocket. If I left any out here, Emmett would take them. The thief came looking every night. I twirled the unlit cigarette in my fingers. I was about to light it before Alice came out. The pixie pulled it out my fingers and threw it off the edge. She was always doing that, something about dying at a young age or something.
"You know you really ought to go to Harvard, Bella." We were both staring straight ahead, not looking at each other. In away, when we were having conversations like this, we preferred it this way.
"I ought to, but I'm not gonna. Alice, I really don't deserve to go." Every word I spoke was the truth.
"Bella, you beat yourself up too much. Nothing to do with death has been your fault. Would you go if I went there instead of to Dartmouth?"
"No offense, Alice, but you going isn't going to change my mind."
"I'm just saying, Bella. If you think that everything is your fault, this could be a way for making everything better. Making it right, that's all I'm saying." She hugged the side of my body and left.
I ran my hands through my hair and just stared at the sky. It was cloudy like usual, but I was sure I could see some sunlight threatening to come through. I was sure of it.
And that's all the pixie had to say to change my mind. It astounds me that she can always do that - and I love her for that.
**
Later that day, when I was sitting in bed just listening to some music, it dawned on me. Today had to be one of my most selfish days. Carlisle wasn't using his doctor voice, I was just imagining it. He was actually trying to get me to see reason and not do something idiotic that I would regret. Esme was acting like my mother because that's who she is. She may not replace my mom, but she's the closest thing I'm ever going to get to one now. And she loves me just like a mom and I treat her like crap. And Alice, well, Alice would be giving up everything if she were to come to Harvard with me. Her friends, the apartment, that boy that she really likes. Everything, that's what she would be giving up to come with me, and sadly I'm still hoping she'll come with me instead. Because she's the only way I'll be able to survive away from here.
I tried to think of what to say to Alice. I was asking her to do me one huge favour here. I had to word it correctly, or else I'd sound like one hell of a selfish git. I wanted it to sound like I truly meant it – which I did- and that it would mean the world to me if she did come – which it did.
I walked onto the balcony to see if she was there. She was curled up on the swing reading a book, something I used to do every day. I sat down at the edge and turned to look at her. She was already looking over the book.
"Alice...," I started, but she interrupted me.
"I'll still come with you, Bells, don't worry. I won't back out. I promise." Already there were some tears running down my check. They were warm and the feeling felt good against the coldness of my checks.
"Thanks, Al, I'll make this up to you. Somehow I will."
"You already have Bella, you already have." She must have noticed the confused look on my face because she went on to explain. "You going to Harvard's enough. Maybe you'll stop blaming yourself..."
We just sat there; I was thinking and she was reading her book. It was like that for hours – I checked the clock when I got back in. But when it started to rain we always had to go in. Carlisle and Esme didn't like us being outside on the balcony when it was raining. So we went into our own separate rooms and continued to do what we were doing.
I was thinking about how I was supposed to make peace with Esme and Carlisle. I just couldn't think of away. A simple 'sorry' wasn't enough for what I done. I simply couldn't think. There was a soft knock on my door and Emmett walked in holding some dinner. Mac & Cheese: my favourite. Now I really need to do something.
Tomorrow I would show them I was truly sorry.
How'd you like that chapter? I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter is Edward's POV. Just so you all know.
Thanks to my kick ass beta; TRDancer, she makes my work readable.