Dean stood in front of their small motel room sink, the running water doing little to distract him from his scattered thoughts. He was cold and soaked to the bone; his clothes weighing him down as he stood there, but that wasn't what was on his mind. What the hell was he supposed to tell his little brother? What was he going to say? Was it even worth mentioning? Before, there would have been no hesitation, but now? Things had changed since he'd been dragged out of Hell and if he had noticed, surely Sam had as well. He just couldn't tell if he was the one who had changed or if it had been his little brother. Either way the question remained, would he let the only person he had left know? Or would he slug it out on his own and keep it all to himself, just like dad. The thought sent a shiver down his spine and memories flashing through his head. His guilt was sharp and there wasn't a moment he didn't see, touch or smell something that sent his mind racing back to damnation.

**************

Sam sat at a small round table, his laptop open in front of him with every news article he could find of the next job that had brought them to this deserted town. Though he had all the information he was looking for open in front of him, he had barely given it a glance. The trip had been anything but smooth, the arguments followed by a blown tire and they hadn't even started the hunt. He took a quick glance at his watch, for the third time in the past fifteen minutes and let out a sigh. Eyeing the closed bathroom door, he listened to the water run, Ruby's words echoing inside his pounding head. "Keep an eye on him walking out of Hell ain't easy and if you bring it all out with you, it'll eat you up inside " He could hear her say. He took a quick glance at his cell phone, where the hell was she anyway? She should have been here by now. He let out a sigh as he focused on the closed bathroom door. Dean had changed, there was no doubt about that, but that wasn't what was bothering him. What bothered him was what his brother had told him about Hell, about what he had done and how he had started to enjoy it. It was something he feared Dean would never forgive himself for, something that could potentially push him over the edge.

*************

Inside the bathroom, Dean cupped the cold water with his hands, splashing it onto his face as he tried to relax. He winced in pain as a deep breath pulled at his chest and swore to himself as he leaned heavily on the sink just to keep himself steady. He looked up at his reflection in the mirror and shook his head as he straightened out. "You son of a bitch..." He muttered to no one but himself. After everything he had been through, he couldn't even stand the sight of his own reflection anymore. The young man staring back at him through green eyes was no longer the same as the hollow shell that was standing in his shoes. His hands clenched into tight fists as he walked the fine line between guilt and anger. What he saw in the mirror was a keen hunter, his father's son and his brother's lifeline... what he saw in the mirror was a glimpse into what he used to be, and what he would never be again.

************

Sam jumped at the sound of breaking glass. He swore under his breath as he got to his feet and quickly made his way to the closed bathroom door. "Dean you alright?" He called out, putting an ear to the door as he waited for a reply. He could still hear the water running in the sink but his older brother gave him no response. "Dean?" He called out again, a light knock on the door with one hand as he tried to turn the knob with the other. He swore again when he realized the door was locked but that wasn't going to stop him. "Open the door Dean..." He demanded, his voice starting to rise as he pounded a fist against it. Still without a response, his mind started racing. "Damn it Dean, open the door or I'm breaking it down!" He hollered, waiting only a moment before throwing his shoulder against it. When the door barely budged, he took a step back and threw his weight into it, forcing it to jump its lock. As the door flew open, it smashed into the wall with a thunderous crack.

He stood in the doorway, ignoring the pain as his eyes fell on his older brother. Dean sat on the edge of the bathtub, his face buried in one hand as the other hung limp in the sink. Blood dripped from his fingers to the drain and shards of glass littered the floor between them. "Dean, you ok?" He asked quietly.

"Do I look ok to you?" Dean replied, barely looking up to acknowledge the other man.

Glass twisted and shattered under Sam's feet as he stepped into the bathroom and shut the cold water that was still running in the sink. What had happened was obvious, but why it had happened wasn't as clear. He grabbed a face cloth from the towel rack and pulled his brother's hand out of the sink bowl, wrapping the cloth tightly around it to stop the bleeding.

"Dean, if there's something you wanna talk about..." Sam silenced as his brother looked up to catch his eyes.

"I saw Bella in Hell." Dean suddenly started, his voice low but heavy with emotion. "When I was tearing souls apart, they threw her in front of me... like a piece of meat to the dogs." He paused for a moment as he watched his brother crouch down in front of him. Sam didn't say a word, but nodded, waiting for him to go on. "She was a mess of gashes, cuts and bruises, her hair was stained with blood..." He paused again as he swallowed hard, the tears were threatening to fall. "You should have seen her face light up when she looked at me Sammy... it was like she was looking at her savior or something. She got to her feet and threw her arms around my neck, cried into my shoulder while she told me everything they had done to her day after day..." Sam could do nothing more than nod as he watched his brother suddenly struggle to find his words. "She thought she was safe in my arms..." Dean continued, somewhat of a smirk to the corner of his lips. "I let her pour her heart out and then I did my job."

Sam swallowed the lump caught in his throat. "It was either you or her Dean..." He replied quietly. "If you wouldn't have done it, they might have..."

"That doesn't justify a damn thing." Dean replied drily, wiping a few tears from his eyes. "She thought she was finally safe and I tore her apart, just like the rest of them did. I was one of them.." The two sat silently, Dean struggling with the past memory while Sam tried to comprehend what he had just heard. He unwrapped the blood soaked cloth to take a look at his brother's cut knuckles and paused as the other man momentarily pulled away. "When I was one of them," Dean suddenly continued, breaking the awkward silence. "They told me about what was coming, about the apocalypse. It's gonna happen but not all the demons want Lilith to be the one breaking ground. The yellow eyed demon was looking for a strong leader to go up against her, when the time was right." Dean paused for only a moment as he watched his brother study the bloody gash on his hand. "Sam, that's why he wanted you."

"Dean, I'm trying to stop her, not take her place..." Sam replied without looking up.

"Is that so "

Sam froze, those words going through him like a cold wind. "Dean having demon blood in me doesn't make me one of them." He said sternly, his eyes locking on the those of the man he was crouched in front of. "Ruby and I are trying to use what I have to stop Lilith, nothing more."

Dean gave him a nod but it did little to convince the other man they were still on the same page. "Even if you stop her, another demon will step up to the plate." He winced as his brother pulled a sliver of glass from one of his fingers. "They told me they're confidant they're gonna win against the angels, but some of them just don't want Lilith to lead the way... They don't like the way she does things and they don't like what she has in store when they win the war." He paused for a moment as he caught his brother's eyes. "Ruby thinks you're the only one who can stop the bitch and the scary part is, she's not the only one who thinks so."