A/N: Wow, this is the longest chapter I've ever written! Carlisle and Esme had a lot to reveal! This chapter is for believers in true love and how it never dies…I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.
Whom I Love Alone
Chapter 5: Revelations
Carlisle's POV
Esme was going to have to wait. I could only pray that I wouldn't be too late when I finally found her. Finally had the chance to beg her forgiveness. I'd fully intended on racing up the stairs to my study once I'd finally found the courage. The devastatingly sad look on her face had been the motivation I'd needed to leave the safety of the trees.
But when I opened the doors the sad strains of a Beethoven sonata were coming from the conservatory, a small room just off of the living room that Esme had insisted on fixing up for Edward to work on his music.
I inwardly sighed. Edward. What kind of father had I been? To run off with no explanation. I'm sure he'd been worried. I was almost to the door of the conservatory when the music stopped. I guess he knew I was here. I paused with my hand on the door knob.
"Come on in, Carlisle." My son's velvet voice pierced through the closed door. As much as my entire body was screaming out for Esme, to be in her presence, my mind knew it was just as important to make things right with Edward. Softly I turned the knob and slowly swung the door open.
Esme had decorated the room in an off-white with midnight blue accents. It looked almost ethereal in the kerosene lamp light that burned from the lamps all around the room. Edward was seated at the ebony grand piano. He was leaning with his elbow on the edge, his head resting against his palm. His other hand was lovingly tracing the ivory keys silently, not pushing them into the beautiful notes I knew he could make.
He was not looking at me, instead looking down at the fingers on the keys. I noticed that his normally marble-smooth brow was furrowed as if in concentration. Or anger. The guilt of what I'd done washed over me. I opened my mouth to apologize but his smooth voice rang out before I made a sound. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to."
He raised his eyes then and just as there had been no anger in his voice, I saw no anger in his eyes either. Just concern. He was such a good person. "I'm not." His voice was emphatic and I could tell he really believed that which grieved me to no end. He shook his head and smiled crookedly as he sat up, moving his elbow off the piano. "Not really." You are, I thought. I wish you could see that.
He and I had gotten good over the years at these half-spoken aloud conversations. It was just very easy falling into the habit of carrying on my side in my mind. At that moment, it struck me as being a wise thing to do since Esme was upstairs. I didn't want her to hear what I had to say secondhand. I wanted to have a real, honest conversation with her, start building the foundation of the friendship I hoped to share with her.
With a loud sigh, Edward pushed himself up from the piano bench and went to stand in front of the round window in the room as I took a seat in a blue captain's chair. Resting my arms on the armrests, I steepled my fingers resting my chin on them as I contemplated my son's profile. His look was pensive as he stared out into the clear night. This was one of those rare times that I wished I knew what he was thinking instead of the other way around.
"Careful what you wish for Carlisle." He half-smiled wryly as he turned to look at me. Sorry. I half-smiled in return. I know it's tiresome. Knowing everyone's thoughts. Keeping everyone's secrets. I know what a burden it must be. He shrugged nonchalantly but saw his jaw tighten as he clenched his teeth. Well, regardless, I thank you for not revealing mine. He bowed his head once in acknowledgement.
I tensed as I heard the front door open and then quietly close. I sprung up intending to follow Esme and Edward stopped me as he spoke. "She's not going far. Just down to the cliff." I swiveled back around. "Edward, I—" But he cut me off, raising one palm upward, facing in my direction. "Dad, I know. You're sorry. But honestly, no apology is necessary. At least not to me. You'd best go to her. She needs to hear these things much more than I. Trust me." His lips turned up in a small, knowing smile, his eyes shining as if he knew something I didn't. Which was likely true.
I longed to ask him what she was thinking, if she'd even be receptive to my offer of friendship but I never put him in the position of betraying another's thoughts. It wasn't fair when he already had to carry the burden of hearing them. Like the eternal life I'd given him without permission, he'd had no say in the ability that had followed him into his vampire life. "Yes, I owe her an apology." And so much more.
"I think I'll just go to my room now. I have some studying to do." He sauntered over to the piano, picking up his black leather journal that went everywhere with him. "Good night, son." He rested his hand on my shoulder and I reached up and squeezed it. And thank you. He patted my shoulder and murmured, "It's nothing. I'm glad you're back. And she will be too." Then he was gone.
I took a deep breath and was immediately engulfed in jasmine and lotus. Her scent was everywhere. And I'd missed it. I'd only thought it had followed me to Canada. I let it lead me back out into the warm night, down the path that led to the cliff overlooking the eternal ocean. I heard the waves crashing and the cricket symphony playing under the millions of stars that blanketed the black night sky.
It was the deepest part of the night, maybe three or four o'clock. The tall grass on either side of the trail whispered. I swore they were saying her name. The waves continued crashing against the rocks. I was close now and followed the bend in the trail just out of sight of the house.
There she was.
She was sitting on a boulder close to the edge of the cliff. Her shoulders were slightly slumped, her head bowed. The wind was making her caramel waves billow all around her shoulders, once in a while giving a tantalizing view of the slender column of her milk-white neck. She looked very small and defeated. And that was all my fault.
Her fingers were entwined together and she was staring down into her open palms as she silently twisted them. For the second time that night, I wished I had Edward's gift. But then again, to confirm that I was the cause of such pain…
I sighed. Startled, her head whipped around. She gasped as she met my eyes and one of her small hands flew up covering those perfect lips that I'd been privileged enough to taste only a few days before. My own lips tingled at the memory. Good God, had it only been a few days? It seemed an eternity. This time it wasn't the grass who whispered.
"Carlisle." Just the sound of her breathy voice felt like a caress against my skin. I cleared my throat as it had constricted at the sight and sound of her. "Good evening, Esme." I sounded every inch the stuffy Brit. Not really the start I had imagined as I'd daydreamed of this reunion all the way across Canada on my way home.
I noticed that her tawny eyes were darting around as if looking for an escape route. I couldn't let that happen. Not now that I'd worked up my nerve. And now that I was in her presence, I wasn't sure I could not be in it. Not now. Actually, not ever. And as painful as I knew this conversation might be, it definitely felt right just being here. With her. Near her.
I slowly began to move toward her, almost creeping, as if she were a skittish deer who might take off at any moment. She definitely had a wary look as she watched my every movement. I was beside her now and I slowly lowered myself until I was at her level, shifting my weight effortlessly on the balls of my feet. Her gaze never wavered from mine even as I saw the wariness and yes, even the pain.
"Mind if I join you?" I looked down to see the waves crashing against the jagged rocks below and swirling in little whirlpools. It was several hundred feet down from where we sat. A flash of my own experience at the cliffs of Dover crossed my mind. It was a whirling, swirling fury, yet, beautiful at the same time. A perfect metaphor for the feelings crashing all around inside me at the moment.
Her right hand and my left hand rested on the rough stone less than an inch apart. I longed to touch her yet that inch seemed as far as the drop to the sea below. Her hand twitched at that moment as if she physically stopped herself from reaching out to touch my hand. But I was sure I was reading far too much into that smallest of movements. I shook my head slightly and looked up and at her.
She was looking out at the ocean as the moon glittered down, cutting a silvery swath across the dark waves. She looked wistful and yet, there was great tension in her body. She held herself so stiffly. I cleared my throat. She turned to look at me, probably startled by the sound. At first, the words I'd intended to speak left me as I fell into the golden pools of her eyes. I could swim in them forever if she'd just let me.
"Esme, I owe you an apology." Apparently some part of my brain realized I needed to stop sitting there staring at her like an idiotic moron. "That day in the study…" I saw the embarrassment creep into her eyes and she started to turn her head back toward the sea. I couldn't let that happen. For some reason, I knew that if she broke the connection, I'd lose my words. Lose my courage.
I raised a hand and cupped her cheek with my palm, turning her face back toward mine. I felt an electrical jolt between her cheek and my hand and nearly pulled my hand away. Until she reached up with both of her hands and gripped my wrist as if it were a life preserver. Perhaps she was not as immune from my touch as I thought. I felt a flicker of hope rise in my chest.
I let my fingertip lightly caress her soft-as-silk cheek. Her eyes closed briefly and she leaned her head into my touch, almost nuzzling my palm. I nearly came undone. Just her mere touch made me feel as if my joints were coming unhinged. I'd never wanted a woman so badly in nearly three hundred years. Yet, there were still words that needed to be said. I needed to focus.
I let my hand slip until it was between both of hers and I gently pulled them to me. She slightly turned toward me, following the movement. I turned toward her too, so that now we were facing each other. I took one of her hands in each of my own, intertwining our fingers. There. If we were bound together as such, she couldn't run away from me. I knew I would never run away from her again.
She was looking down at our joined hands. I wanted her to look up. I needed to see her eyes. Almost as if she had heard me, her thick lashes slowly raised and she met my gaze head-on. The fire in them stopped my breath. No, she was definitely not immune to me. And I was starting to think that maybe she didn't hate me after all. That thought gave me my voice back.
"I should never have run off like that. Leaving you and Edward to worry…it was very foolish. And rude. And I'm so very sorry." She tilted her head to the side, studying my face. Her voice was husky as she asked, "Is everything okay?" Good grief, I'd left her alone with no explanation and she was worried about me? We were quite a pair.
"It is now." I said softly. She looked at me quizzically. "Being home. Being here. With you." A small smile touched her lips and my whole world lit up in colors I'd never imagined before. Her pale skin gleamed in the moonlight, giving her an otherworldly look. She was so enticingly beautiful that I was sure my heart would have skipped a beat if it could have.
Hoping to lighten things up a bit, I casually asked, "So what were you doing out here? Not contemplating jumping to get away from me I hope?" I was just teasing her but her whole body stiffened as if an electric shock had gone through her—her grip on my hands tightened to painful pressure—and the desolation in her eyes took my breath away. My casual attempt at friendship was obviously going south fast.
What on earth had I said? Oh, good God! Had she truly been contemplating jumping? Surely she knew that wouldn't end her life? Did she want to her life? I had to get through to her, be there for her. If I was going to be her friend or even more than that, it was time for me to reveal my secrets with her. I could only hope that my revelations would help her, not drive her over the edge of the cliff. I really was not in the mood for a cliff dive.
And as I'd already established in my long-dead heart, I'd follow her to the ends of the earth. Or to the depths of the sea. Whichever came first.
Esme's POV
I'd come out to the cliff to get some fresh air, clear my mind which always seemed to cloud up anytime I was in the same house as Carlisle. I sighed in disgust. Not even in the same room. Besides, I had wanted to give him and Edward some privacy. I'd heard the beginning of Carlisle's apology. I'd come between them enough in the past six months.
Of course, as I'd sat watching the waves crash against the rocks, I'd tried to conjure up the last time I'd been on the edge of a cliff. A bitter smile touched my lips as I realized how very different the circumstances were. Despite the distance between Carlisle and I at the moment, I still had hope. Hope that we could come to a comfortable co-existence of some sort, even if he didn't return my love.
And then I heard him. The man I'd just been thinking of. He didn't look real as he stood several feet from me. I'd been startled and unconsciously I sighed his name, "Carlisle". I hadn't expected him to come to me. He was glowing in the moonlight, his golden hair reflecting back and truly making it seem like a halo. He would always be my guardian angel. He was staring at me warily as if afraid I was about to run or perhaps afraid he might run if I made any sudden movement. I glanced all around looking for his possible escape routes because I was determined that should he run, I was going to follow him. "Good evening, Esme." A slight shiver ran down my spine at the sound of his rich voice.
But then he surprised me again. He began moving toward me in slow motion. As if he was corralling a wild horse. I wanted to smile at his careful movements. I hope he wasn't doing this for my benefit. "Mind if I join you?" And then he was perched beside me overlooking the swirling waters below. His hand was less than an inch from mine and I had the overwhelming urge to just grab it and never let go. The urge was so strong that I involuntarily felt my hand begin to move and had to stop myself at the last possible second.
I had to get control of myself or I would completely disgrace myself just as I had that day in the study and would probably just send him running for the hills again. Or wherever it was that he'd spent the past two days. I held myself as stiffly as I could since my body seemed to disagree with my mind and was insistent on being in contact with him. I looked out at the sea trying to school the emotions churning inside me.
I heard a slight sound as if he was clearing his throat. Before I could stop myself, I turned in his direction and then I was lost. His eyes met mine and they looked so warm, so kind. I knew he must have some concern about me. He was the most compassionate man I'd ever known. I had to remind myself that compassion did not equal love and to stop getting my hopes up. Otherwise they'd just end up as dashed as the water throwing itself against the jagged rocks below.
"Esme, I owe you an apology." Okay, if he apologized for kissing me, I felt I might just possibly push him off this cliff. "That day in the study…" he trailed off. Ashamed of how brazen I'd been that day and a little annoyed that he seemed to think so too, I had to break eye contact. But just as I went to stare at the ocean again, just as I felt it was hopeless, to dare dream that he might possibly feel the same way I did, it happened.
He reached out and turned my face toward his. His touch was electric. Although we would be cool to the human touch, my cheek felt aflame where he cupped it. A felt a twitch in his fingers and I knew that I could not lose his touch. Not now. Not wanting him to take it away, I reached up with both hands and gripped his wrist and forearm. I felt the marble hard-muscles and tendons clench under my touch and I just gripped harder. I couldn't bear it if denied his touch another second longer.
Without warning, his fingertips caressed my cheek and if there had been any part of me not in love with Carlisle Cullen, at that moment I fell completely head, body, and soul for the good doctor. Without thought, I turned into his warm touch, nuzzling his palm. I saw the fire light in his eyes at that small gesture. My heart leapt with the thought it might have the chance to touch his.
Then I remembered all of my secrets and my heart sunk a little at the thought. If I truly wanted to capture his, then I knew that I would have to tell him everything. All of my dark actions would have to be revealed to him if I were to have any hope that we could have a lasting relationship. It was the only way. But how?
He'd joined our hands together while I was thinking and had turned me to face him. Just as I was about to speak, he beat me to it. "I should never have run off like that. Leaving you and Edward to worry…it was very foolish. And rude. And I'm so very sorry." I tilted my head to the side at his words, studying his face. He sounded so guilty, so sad. It nearly broke my heart. Feeling my own guilt over what I needed to tell him and concerned for him, my voice came out lower than I intended, "Is everything okay?" He looked a little surprised at my question.
"It is now." He said softly. I looked at him, unsure of what he meant. Then his next words blew me away. "Being home. Being here. With you." If my heart was still beating I'm sure it would have zoomed at a million miles a minute at those words. He did care about me. I couldn't help it. A smile touched my lips as I exulted in the realization that he just might want me as much as I wanted him. Or maybe half as much as I wanted him. I 'm not sure anyone could want a person as badly as I wanted Carlisle Cullen.
Before I could reciprocate and tell him how happy I was to be with him, the world came crashing down around me. His tone casual, he said, "So what were you doing out here? Not contemplating jumping to get away from me I hope?" I felt as if an electric shock had gone through me. Without thinking I tightened my grip on his hands. Did he know? Had Edward said something? No. The look on his face told me he had no idea what was wrong with me. I realized then that he'd only been attempting to tease me. How could he have possibly known that the reason I was sitting here on this cliff with him was because I had jumped. Once upon a time. I felt a hysterical giggle bubble to my throat as I thought that there weren't many fairy tales that actually began with a suicide attempt.
Well, it was now or never. Perhaps he wouldn't hate me too much when I got done. Wouldn't regret too much having saved a person who'd tried to freely give up the gift of life. I swallowed hard trying to clear the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. Carlisle's face was a mask of confusion and concern. Okay, I may have reacted a tad badly to his question.
"Carlisle, I need to tell you something." My voice came out barely above a whisper. Thank goodness he was a vampire or he would never have heard me as the wind carried my words out over the ocean. He dropped one of my hands and I suddenly felt cold at the loss of his touch but he immediately brought his hand up and tucked a swirling piece of my hair back behind my ear. He then trailed the backs of his fingers down my cheek while saying, "What is it, love? What's got you so upset? Me?" My breath caught at his touch. I had to inhale deeply to collect my thoughts.
I smiled sadly and shook my head. "No, you—you're quite the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. And no, I wasn't contemplating jumping." I paused and then added quietly, "This time." He raised his eyebrows in question but kept quiet. His hand had moved to curve around my neck and his thumb was rubbing soothingly along my jawline. His eyes were still full of concern but there was also a glint of happiness. I wondered if it had to do with my wonderful statement.
"This is so hard and I don't want you to think badly of me." I paused and took a deep breath to steady my shaking voice. His grip tightened on the fingers that were still entwined with his other hand. I looked down at our joined hands and that knowledge that we were still connected somehow gave me the courage to continue. "I did jump once. From a cliff. The night you found me in the hospital that's what I'd done you see, how I ended up there. And yes, at the time I wanted to die." His eyes tightened as if in pain and he winced slightly. I had to keep going. I looked up and met his gaze.
"I was in so much pain, I wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted to forget. You see, I had a baby. Little Charlie. He was so very tiny. And perfect. Only I let him get sick and he died when he was two days old. If only…well, never mind that now. I thought maybe if I died, I might see him again. And I didn't really have anything to live for anyway…" I stopped.
Although the memories were fuzzy, the pain was coming back in sharp waves as I thought of my poor baby and how he'd never had a chance. And never would. Yet I—I would get to live forever. It wasn't fair. I sighed, the air whooshing out brokenly. If I could have produced tears I was sure I would be crying at this very moment.
To his credit, Carlisle only looked mildly stricken. And a whole lot concerned. "Oh, Esme, sweetheart. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. That was a very stupid thing to say." I shook my head and tried to smile. "No Carlisle. Don't apologize. You didn't know because I've been too ashamed to say anything. See, I'm just so, so grateful to you for what you did for me that night. You saved me in so many ways not the least of which is my very life." I bowed my head under the weight of my confession. I felt as if I was laid bare with the revelations I'd just shared.
His hand slid from my neck and his finger came under my chin, lifting it, forcing my gaze to his. "You're not the only one to have felt such despair, my dear. I've never shared my change story with you and I don't wish to bore you with all of the details now, but needless to say, I flung myself from a cliff or two in merry old England hoping to destroy the monster I'd become." I looked at him in shock. He'd tried to destroy himself? That seemed so—so at odds with the Carlisle I knew. I felt a little lighter though as the thought sunk in. Maybe he and I had much more in common than I'd thought.
Now I raised my hand and slid my fingertips along his cheek, tracing the high cheekbone that was chiseled on his handsome face. I was in awe. He took in a sharp breath at my touch and his eyes slowly turned into molten lava. I was never sure who made the first move. Maybe it was a mutual meeting of lips but the electricity between us exploded into a full-fledged electrical storm as neither of us could be denied any longer.
Our lips melded into one, hot insistent demanding as we moved together, our tongues darting and mating together. Both his hands were cradling my head, giving him the ability to angle my head in any direction he wished giving us both unbelievable pleasure. My own arms were locked tightly around his torso, moving feverishly up and down his finely muscled back.
I had no idea how long we stayed in the midst of the inferno we'd started but I could feel him begin to slow down. And I didn't want him to. I whimpered in protest but finally he tore his lips away. I had a slight sense of déjà vu from the study. Again, he was the one to put the brakes on and I was the one begging like a wanton. I tried to pull myself together in some semblance of dignity. I stiffened in his arms.
This time he was the one to protest. His deep groan reached all the way to my toes. "Esme, Esme, Esme." He was chanting my name and each time he breathed my name against my lips, I shivered. He suddenly pulled back and looked into my eyes. I was drowning in buttery toffee.
"Esme, I can't stop this. I have to tell you." I felt my unbeating heart sink into my stomach. I was sure he was about to say that we couldn't keep doing this. "I love you. I think I have almost from the moment you came into my life. I just didn't know it." I was trying to concentrate on his words, so I just looked at his mouth. He loved me. Carlisle Cullen loved me. I started to hyperventilate a little. Which was strange since I didn't really need the air. Oh no, how could he love me? He had no idea.
His voice trailed off as he read the tension in my body, heard my gasping for breath and I'm sure I looked absolutely horrified. It was singularly the best and the worst moment of my life. All at the same time. Without warning, he jumped to his feet, ripping his hands from mine and his back going ramrod straight. "I'm sorry, I've obviously overstepped my bounds." His tone was the stuffiest formal English accent I'd ever heard come from his mouth. Usually there was just a trace of his origins.
I quickly jumped to my feet. I wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go. Never make him feel pain. But he needed to know the whole story. "Carlisle, I'm sorry. It's just—just that there's more and before you say anything else, commit yourself to me to the point I can't say no, I have to say this." The hurt in his eyes at what he perceived to be my rejection was causing me physical pain. I literally felt as if a million red hot needles were trying to poke through my skin from head to toe. I had to get a grip and reveal all of my secrets. Then he would be grateful that I didn't let him go any further.
I took a steadying breath and then let the chips fall where they would. "Carlisle, did you hear me? I'm responsible for my baby's death. It's my fault he's dead. I was so stubborn. His father…" I shuddered as the repulsive memory of my husband broke through. He'd treated me as only a monster could. But still, if I'd stayed. I looked at Carlisle then.
His jaw was clenched and I saw anger in his eyes. I knew it would be this way once he learned the truth. But I couldn't stop now. It was as if I'd uncorked a champagne bottle and the whole sordid truth came spewing out.
I hadn't lost my courage but I had lost my voice. It was barely above a whisper. "My husband, well, needless to say, he was not a kind man. He was nothing like you. But I felt I had no choice. My parents thought he was a good 'catch'. So I caved." I gave him a small smile, unsure of myself. He swallowed convulsively but hadn't moved a muscle. At least he was still standing here.
"It wasn't long before I realized just how much of a mistake I made. He was very cruel. First with his words and soon with his fists. Once I realized I was pregnant, I was determined not to raise my child. So I ran." I was unaware but I was shivering uncontrollably as the dry sobs of long unshed tears hit me. I'd never said these words aloud. And while I didn't want Carlisle to think badly of me, I was strangely comfortable talking to him and finally letting all of the poison pent up inside of me out.
Suddenly Carlisle was in front of me and his hands were rubbing up and down my arms as if the friction would stop the shuddering. I looked up into his eyes and I saw his compassion. Of course he would feel sorry for me. That's who he was. But I still saw that glimmer of love he'd spoken of earlier.
"Shhh. Esme. Love. Shhh. No more words. Please. It's not necessary. Nothing you could say would ever change what I feel for you." He briefly leaned in and his lips were feather light against mine. Just the lightest of brushes. He pulled back and his eyes were level with my own. "Oh Carlisle. I don't know how I could have ever gotten so lucky to have you in my life. I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been since I was sixteen. I searched my entire life for you without knowing it. And now, well, now, I could never live eternity without you."
Then his lips crushed against mine and there were no more revelations from either of us. Besides, the most important revelation—our love for each other—well, that was quite enough. At least for me. Forever.