A/N: As always, thanks so much to those of you who have reviewed and added me to your alerts! I really appreciate it. So this chapter was not in my original plan, but I got a little inspired by a two hour car ride where I listened to nothing but My Chemical Romance and also as I was re-reading Eclipse for the millionth time and a small line that Rosalie has when telling her story to Bella about how her record was cleaner than Esme's. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.
Whom I Love Alone
Chapter 6: Demons
Esme's POV
My first mistake was that I had waited too long to hunt.
My second mistake had been going alone.
And now I was gong to have to call off my wedding which was supposed to take place in three days. Now I was sure it would take place never.
Because some kind of demon had possessed me and now he was dead. And the evidence of my sin was present in my scarlet eyes. Branding me as if they were scarlet letters. And thanks to the demons of my past, my future with the love of my existence was in jeopardy.
I should have known better, but I'd been giddy with happiness at the small private ceremony I'd so meticulously planned over the past few months after Carlisle had so romantically asked me to be his wife shortly after our revelations that we were in love with each other.
That giddiness had made me overconfident in my abilities. Carlisle and Edward had warned me of the dangers of being a newborn vampire. The uncontrollable thirst, not knowing your own strength. How it was harder to control those vampiric instincts. That's why they had always insisted on one or both of them hunting with me.
But I'd been so caught up in the last-minute details of planning my wedding that I'd let my hunger catch up with me. Carlisle was in the middle of a thirty-six hour shift at the hospital and Edward was at Columbia attending class. I'd honestly felt confident that I could handle a small hunting trip by myself.
I'd changed out the silk pale lavender dress I was wearing into my most comfortable, paint-spattered work clothes, a pair of khaki dungarees matched with one of Carlisle's button-down cotton shirts. I'd swiped the shirt early on in my stay, feeling the comfort of being wrapped in his masculine scent—a cross between sandalwood and the slightest hint of vanilla.
It had been my life preserver in those early months when Carlisle did all he could to avoid me. Of course, now I knew it was because he found himself in love with me but thought that I resented him for bringing me into the vampire life. And so as I'd left to hunt, I still felt as if Carlisle were with me. If only he had been!
As I'd made my way to upstate New York, I'd been daydreaming of our wedding and the honeymoon to come, which Carlisle was keeping as a surprise, thinking how lucky I was that I was about to start the rest of my eternity with the most perfect man I'd ever met. My musings were interrupted by the sounds of a woman screaming. I heard the angry deep voice of a man saying horrible things to her, and then I heard a sound that I knew all too well. That man's closed fist connecting with the woman's soft flesh.
My body shuddered to a complete stop and I began shivering uncontrollably. At that moment, consumed with the sense memories of my first miserable marriage, my vampire nature took complete control of my senses and my body.
In a matter of seconds, I found the isolated cabin deep in the woods. It was a small dwelling but it was filled with big trouble. The woman was no longer screaming. Or making any sound at all for that matter. But the man was still yelling, his speech slurred in a drunken rage. Oh yes, too well did I know the signs.
I was not thinking but merely acting on pure vampiric instinct as I kicked in the wooden door. The man looked up in shock, his bloodshot eyes finding it hard to focus on me, as the thick wood splintered all around the tiny living room. I barely registered the furniture overturned and in disarray scattered around the room.
It was over in a matter of seconds. There was nothing to be done for the lifeless battered woman lying at the foot of the big brutish drunk. He bore a striking resemblance to my former husband, Charles. Later, I would be unsure of this as I recounted the episode in my mind. But I was completely sure of it at the time.
And all I saw was red as the rage and bloodlust took over. As his lifeless body thudded next to his dead wife, my hunger sated in a way I'd never experienced before, the horror of what I'd just done washed over me. It was in that instant that I understood why Carlisle and Edward had tried to spare me from this…this guilt that overwhelmed me at the idea that I had taken a human life.
I had to escape what I had done. I headed for home as numbness overtook me. I realized that all my dreams of a future with Carlisle were over. I'd have to pack a bag and leave. He'd be so disappointed in what I'd done and of course, repulsed. He'd most likely hate me as well.
I rounded so that I was approaching our home from the back. There was a huge full willow tree in the middle of the back lawn, a few hundred feet from the white clapboard house. I ducked under the cascading branches that brushed the ground.
I barely made it before I felt my body collapse on itself. I sank to the ground drawing my knees up. I wrapped my arms around my shins and rested my chin on my knees. I squeezed as hard as I could, sure that I was about to rip apart at the seams. I gulped in deep breaths of salty sea air trying to steady my shaking limbs and calm down enough to in and pack my bag. I still wasn't sure where I was going to go. I just knew that I needed to leave before Carlisle came back and learned what I had done. And Edward too.
I shattered then in dry heaving sobs. It was a strange sensation to still be able to cry with no tears. I'd lost my family again. And both times, it was my fault. The knowledge that I'd ripped my own dreams and hopes to shreds was more than I could bear.
But before I could get up and run, I felt myself pulled into a steel cage. No, not a cage. The immovable embrace of the boy I'd come to think of as my son. He was here. He knew. I dissolved into a fresh bout of dry sobs as I realized that my son now knew I was a demon. Now he'd know that I had to leave. That I couldn't be a part of their family any longer. Huh. It was possible to feel even worse. How strange.
Edward's POV
I'd heard the pain and confusion when she'd been a couple of miles out. But until I'd found her crumpled under the willow tree in the backyard, I hadn't fully appreciated her devastation. Of course I knew what had happened. In fact, I had called Carlisle at the hospital before she'd even arrived.
"Edward." His voice had been worried. He knew something was wrong. I'd never interrupted him at work before. "Carlisle, it's Esme. She slipped. You have to come home. Now." I heard the phone clatter on the other end and knew he was gone.
I knew she was close by and followed her thoughts until I'd found her beneath the willow. Wrapped in a tight ball of misery. I immediately dropped to the ground and pulled her into my arms. I put my cheek against the top of her soft hair, wishing I could channel soothing feelings to her.
"Shh, love. Shh. It's okay. I'm here." I whispered, at a loss for how to comfort her. I'd seen the whole terrible tale replaying over and over in her mind. She'd done exactly what I would've done. What I wish I could do to the human bastard who'd done the same sick things to her in her human life.
Her head was tucked against my chest, her body shaking with her heaving sobs. I tried to raise her head by gently grasping her chin, but she resisted and became frantic fighting against me. "No! No!" She began crying hysterically. "Don't look at me! Please!" I pushed harder and her head came up but her eyes remained clenched shut. She didn't want me to see her red eyes. This I was picking up from her thoughts.
"Esme. Look at me." My voice sounded commanding, calm. Much more calm than I felt inside as I was bombarded with the unspoken words of her desire for escape, to run away from us. I couldn't let that happen. Not now. Not to Carlisle. He deserved happiness after so many centuries of being alone, of always sacrificing for others. And even if she didn't think so, Esme deserved it too.
Especially after all of those years of suffering at the hands of that violent poor excuse for a husband she'd been subjected to. It caused me physical pain to re-live the nightmare she'd lived, even if it was fuzzy. I loved her like a mother. I barely remembered my own human mother and Esme had filled all of those empty holes I hadn't known existed that only a mother's love could heal.
I grasped her face between both of my hands. "Mom. Look at me. Please." I commanded again. She drew in a deep shuddering breath and to my everlasting relief her eyelids slowly fluttered open. I schooled my face into a mask of compassion as her ruby eyes met my own. The pain and desolation in them would have taken my breath away. Thank God, I didn't need to breathe.
Her misery was mine. I forced my lips into a serene smile. "See, that wasn't so hard." I softly prodded her. "Oh, Edward!" She half-sobbed, her voice full of anguish. "I--I-" I couldn't let her say it aloud. Instinctively I knew it would be too much, too soon. "Shh. It's all right. You don't have to say it." Her body sagged in relief.
Her eyes swimming in misery, I tried to comfort her as best I could buying as much time as I could until my father arrived. "I understand much better than you think. And if I had been in your shoes, I would have done exactly the same." I saw the skepticism in her eyes.
"It's true. He's not going to hate you or be upset with you. He's going to understand. I don't think we've done a good job of explaining that what you did today—well—it's the rule, not the exception." She shook her head between my palms. I heard her disbelief, her disappointment in herself.
"It's our nature, love. We can't all be Carlisle." I gave her a crooked smile. A ghost of a smile tried to move her pink lips up but wasn't quite successful. "Come on. Let's go inside." The wind had picked up and the willow branches were swaying around us. Carlisle was close. If I could just get her inside, he could do the rest—convince her to stay.
I couldn't see the future, but I was confident in my father's ability to take control of the situation, use the compassion he had in abundance to persuade her to stay. Remind her of his enduring love. Surprisingly, she allowed me to grip her hand and pull her to a standing position. I kept my grip on her hand and we walked at a normal pace so as not to startle her until we were safely ensconced in our home.
She allowed me to lead her to Carlisle's study. I knew it was where she felt closest to him—where she felt safest. I swept her on to the oversized black leather sofa where she'd first become part of our family, tucked an afghan around her and waited for my father to come home and convince his love that she was still our angel and not the demon her mind kept screaming that she was.
Carlisle's POV
I was not the calm, cool, collected doctor that my patients had faith in. I was the exact opposite as I raced faster than I'd ever run in my life to get home in time. The fear had snaked through my body when I was told my son was on the phone. I knew it couldn't be good and I'd prayed it had nothing to do with Esme. I'd been living on a high knowing that in three long days she would be bound to me forever. And Edward's call had sent me crashing back to Earth.
I had failed Esme utterly. I'd never made it clear to her that if someday she did give in to her vampire nature, that it would be okay. That it was even understandable. Instead, Edward and I had tried to protect her—to shield her. I should have been smart enough to know that I couldn't protect her from everything no matter how hard I tried.
The house was in sight. Edward, I'm here. I had no idea where they were. I hoped inside. The front door swung open and Edward filled the frame. I slowed coming to a stop. How bad is it? But I already knew. I could see it written on his face. It was bad. He shook his head slightly and placed his index finger against his lips. He motioned me to follow him. It was one of the hardest things I ever did because I wanted to tear through the house as fast as I could until I could see my angel and reassure her. But I forced myself to match his pace.
We ascended the stairs and he stopped in front of my study door. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight that met me. Even in those first few confusing days after her change, Esme had never looked so desolate, so absolutely devastated. I involuntarily took in a sharp breath. Her head had been cast down so I hadn't seen her eyes but I guess she heard the sound, probably caught my scent because she gave a small cry and her hands flew up to cover her eyes. Almost like a child playing hide-and-seek. But this was no game. I was on the verge of losing my hope for the future.
I had forgotten Edward standing at my elbow. "I'm going to give you some privacy." I turned and gave him a grateful look. Thank you, son. He gave a short nod and then he was gone. Esme still had her hands over her eyes and she was trembling. But she hadn't made a sound since that initial cry of dismay. I silently made my way to the sofa and knelt down beside her.
"Esme, love. Please look at me." I reached a hand up and lightly grasped her left wrist trying to gently pry it from her face. But it would not budge. She was still a newborn and much stronger than me. I couldn't remove it without hurting her. So instead, I found myself lightly moving my hand up and down her forearm in a soothing caress.
Her lips were quivering as they would be if she were crying. My unbeating heart was breaking in a million pieces. "Sweetheart. It's okay. Please. It won't upset me. In fact, this is entirely my fault." That did it. She gasped in shock and her hands flew from her face. I was confronted with the ruby eyes confirming how I'd failed her.
It was not hard to make sure that my expression was one of compassion. Because I'd never felt so sorry for another being in my entire existence. As she scanned my face, her face crumpled in misery and she looked away, unable to meet my gaze. I shifted my weight and scooted her until there was room on the edge for me to sit as I faced her.
My right hand grasped her left hand and I rubbed my finger over the fiery opal and diamond ring I had placed on her finger, my promise of my eternal love. Now, I threw up a silent wish, treating the ring as a talisman as I repeated to myself, she will not leave, she will not leave. Perhaps if I put it out in the universe enough I could make it come true.
She still wouldn't look at me. Now she was looking at the far wall where she'd hung paintings I should have burned years ago. But she'd insisted that she liked looking at them, that they gave her a chance to make up her own stories about my past that I hadn't shared with her. Honestly, I didn't mind the London painting so much. Not all of my human memories were unpleasant but certainly my father and I had had our differences.
And then there was the Volturi. My newly restored heart had sunk like a stone when I saw that she had hung that particular portrait. I hadn't thought of those days in a long time. Had never really planned on confronting those demons from my past again. At the time I had not been ready to tell of her of those particular memories. I hadn't wanted to frighten her with stories of true demons. I gave a small imperceptible sigh. But now was the time.
"Would you like to hear about the painting of me in Italy?" That did it. Her gaze flew to mine. I felt another pang of guilt as I looked into her crimson eyes but I was determined to convince her that nothing could ever change my love for her. I saw mixed in with the misery of her eyes a raw curiosity. I wasn't playing fair, but I didn't care. I'd do anything to make sure that she walked down the aisle in three days.
"Remember that time that you told me you thought the painter intended to make me look like an angel?" She nodded her head, a little bit of light in her eyes and her gaze darted to the painting and back to mine. "Well, I'm not really sure that was the intent. You see, the three brothers standing with me. Aro, Caius, Marcus. Well, they are definitely not angels. Oh, fallen angels perhaps. Demons. But the same could be said for me. " She looked at me stunned.
"Oh, Esme, my love. I have not thought about this in such a long time. It is not a pleasant story. Yes, it's true, I've never tasted human blood myself. But that does not mean that I have not been responsible for the loss of human life." She opened her mouth to protest and I brought my hand up, gently pushed her lower jaw up to close her full pink lips and then rubbed my thumb along that full bottom lip that I was sure had been made to fit perfectly against my own.
"Shh. Let me get this out." If she told me that it was impossible for this to be true, I would lose my courage. It was not easy to admit these things aloud. It was something I'd never attempted before, preferring to bury my past demons deep within my mind.
"You have to understand sweetheart, that the creatures I encountered in the London sewer were as close as our kind come to actual monsters. I was horrified at what I'd become, could not imagine myself living such an existence for an eternity. So I eventually made my way to Europe and then Italy, intending to immerse myself in studies, in the culture. I never expected to find vampires who actually lived out in the open, like humans. But that's what I found in Volterra." Her hand came up and grabbed my hand that was still cupped along her jaw. She entwined her fingers with my own. I could see she was completely engrossed in the story. I felt reassured that she initiated the contact. This might work out after all.
"They are called the Volturi, as close to a ruling class as we have. They keep the laws, the few that we have. They are very powerful. I was drawn to them, to their knowledge and sophistication, particularly to Aro. He has a way about him, very ingratiating, but very calculating. I was to learn that as well. But as you know, our vegetarian lifestyle is very unique among our kind. First, I stayed to continue my medical studies as well as to learn from them. Later, my friend Victor joined us and I stayed to show him that you did not have to live as the Volturi did." Now came the hard part. To reveal to her what I hated to admit to myself. I inhaled a deep breath.
"Behind all that sophistication though, I knew that they were as much monsters as those poor creatures living in the London sewers. They just dressed it up nicer. I sat by and watched for years as hundreds, perhaps thousands of poor souls were paraded in for the Volturi's own amusement. Knowing that these people were condemned to death, I did nothing to stop it. I am as responsible as if I drank their blood myself. Ultimately, I left, unable to live with that knowledge. I accept that this is our nature and that most of us will live as such. What I couldn't live with were the games that Aro and his brothers played, the pleasure they took in torturing these innocent people." The horror of those years washed over me in fresh waves as if they had just occurred. But I could see that I was getting through to her. I could see that she was understanding what I was trying to tell her.
"So there is nothing to be ashamed of, my love. It is impossible to fight against nature all of the time. And perhaps if I had not tried to be so protective and instead prepared for you to deal with the emotions when it did happen, we wouldn't be sitting here now." I raised my hand and pushed back her hair from her forehead and allowed my fingertips to trail down her pale cheek. I constantly needed contact when I was in her presence. It was as impossible for me not to touch her as it was inevitable that most vampires would slip from time to time.
"Oh Carlisle, no. You did nothing, it wasn't your fault that the Volturi did what they did. What could you have done? Nothing. But I-I-. You don't understand. I couldn't control myself. I heard her screams but by the time I got there, it was too late. But that didn't stop me. I took his life. Me." Her voice cracked on the last syllable. Instead of feeling the horror I was sure she thought I would feel, a tremendous wave of relief crashed over me. She'd taken a monster's life in defense of another. Monsters existed whether they were human or vampire. And while I didn't like the idea of any creature losing its life, I also understood that sometimes it was necessary. Such as trying to save the life of another.
I grasped her face between my hands and raised her head to meet my gaze. I smiled reassuringly into the face that was as familiar to me as my own, that was etched into every part of my being. "Esme, my angel, don't you know by now that there is absolutely nothing that will ever change how I feel about you? I just hope that you can feel the same about me, now that you know about my past. None of us are perfect. None of us! I'm certainly not despite what you and Edward seems to think."
And then I could wait no longer, slowly I lowered my head, angling hers to meet mine in perfect unison. I lightly feathered my lips against hers, wanting to make it last longer. Her lips parted under mine and she moaned. That was all I could take. Our lips melded into one and we were lost in the pleasure. Eventually I raised my head, albeit reluctantly, but I had to be sure. "Love, listen. I love you. I could never be without you. You'll still marry me in three days time?" My voice was thick with passion and yet I detected the uncertainty I was feeling in my question.
Her eyes were shining with love and passion. The emotion in them softened the blow of the redness that met my own. I didn't care. I loved this woman even if she would have had three eyes. Her voice came out breathy, that breathiness that touched the very core of me and made me shiver with desire every time I heard it. "Yes, Carlisle Cullen. Yes. I will. I love you too. Always. If you'll have me, then yes, I will become your wi-" She didn't get to finish. I crushed my lips to hers. Nothing else mattered. She loved me demons and all.