wow this story is turning out to be a lot longer then I intended. Never thought so many people would like it. Anyway thanks for all the great reviews.
Screaming on the inside
He moved a little in his sleep. He was starting to wake up and he knew it. But he felt so comfortable their. So protected. He just wanted to stay were he was. In the darkness. Where he felt nothing. Where there were no memories. No dreams. Nothing but darkness.
But he couldn't stay. Without wanting to he could see light coming trough the darkness. After a while the darkness was completely gone. He had no choice. He had to open his eyes. Time to face the big bad world he told himself. He opened his eyes.
He wasn't in his apartment. Slowly the memories from the previous night came back. The gun. The broken glass. The pictures. Jeanne. Kate. Paula. The drinks in the bar. The fall down the stairs. His memory pretty much ends there. He looks around.
Ducky and abby are sitting in the kitchen. Probably eating. Gibbs was sitting next to the couch. 'Tony you awake?' 'Yeah boss.' 'How are you doing.' Great boss. I almost killed myself last night. I feel like nobody cares. I drank everything I could drink. I don't know how to reach out for help. I need help. I'm not alright. Can't you see that? Why are you asking that! 'I'm fine boss.'
He tries to sit up. Bad idea. The room spins around. He feels his boss arms around him. 'It's ok Tony.' He looks up. Gibbs hardly ever calls him Tony. He shook his head. He feels Ducky coming to sit beside him. Abby tries to make him eat something. Gibbs just sits there. Looking at him. Just looking.
Gibbs looked at Tony. He looked bad. He usually looked so happy. But today he had seen trough his mask. And he didn't like what he saw. He looked broken. He needed help. But he could only help him if Tony talked to him. He saw Abby giving him food. Ducky checking him out. Talking would have to wait. Again.
He took a cold shower. Now he's staring at himself in the mirror. He heard Abby leave. Ducky and Gibbs are probably outside. Waiting for him. He can't bring himself to leave yet. He puts his hands in his jacket. Nothing. The pictures. They were gone. He opened the door and slowly walked outside. They weren't gone. They were on the table. Gibbs probably took them out.
'Anthonny my boy. I see you are back with us.' 'I'm fine Duck. I can go home now. If I can just get my pictures back…' He sees the look in Gibbs eyes and never finishes his sentence. He isn't going anywhere. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he needs to talk. Somebody to listen to him. Somebody to care. Just somebody.
He sits down on the couch. Gibbs sits down next to him. Ducky at the other side. And they just sit there. In complete silence. He's looking at the pictures again. His life. The people who cared. His feet hurt. He looks down. For the first time he actually notices the bandages. Flashes of the night before come to mind. He remembers stepping over the broken mirrors.
They sit there. He wanted to stay that way forever. But he knew that eventually somebody was going to break it. 'Talk to us Tony.' 'I don't have anything to say.' 'Tony..' 'I'm fine' 'You weren't fine last night.' 'I'm sorry I bothered you ok! Boss I'm really sorry. It won't happen again.' He moves forwards and grabs the pictures. He tries to get up but he can't.
He looks at Tony. He hears him say he's alright. And he knows. He knows it's a lie. He doesn't know why he never saw it before. He sees him reaching for the pictures. It takes a while to register what he said. He thinks that's what this is about? He thinks he bothered him. Oh damn tony. He sees him trying to get up. And fail. Slowly he places a hand on his shoulder.
'Talk to me Tony.' 'About what.' 'What's wrong with you.' 'I'm fine.' 'You're not. I saw your apartment' 'Just a couple of accidents.' 'The gun was lying on your bed.' 'Boss it's not like I really pulled the trigger.' Silence fell. Had he really sad that out loud. From the shocked looks on Ducky and Gibbs faces he reckons he did. He couldn't stay here. Slowly he got up and started to run to the door.
He heard him say it. He was shocked. Tony tried to kill himself? How could he not have seen his agent was in so much trouble. That he needed a hand to pull him back up. How could he have allowed for Tony to fall in such a deep depression that he thought about killing himself? Great friend he was. He saw Tony getting up and starting to run.
He ran. His feet hurt. But he didn't care. He had to get away. He rand. Behind him he could hear Gibbs and Ducky scream after him. It didn't matter. He could hear them scream but from miles away. Because there was nothing harder then the screaming in his head.
He felt his feet give up. His knees buckled. He felt his legs give in. He fell down on the street. He didn't hear the footsteps behind him. Nor did he hear somebody say his name. He didn't feel the strong arms around him.
All he heard was the screaming on the inside. All he felt was pain. He was screaming so loudly. But nobody heard. It was only in his head. Only inside.