Rock bottom
Tony sank down on the ground. Screaming in his head. He didn't hear Gibbs call out his name. He didn't feel his strong arms around him. Not at first. After a couple of seconds he realized Gibbs was holding him. Pulling him close to him. Protecting him.
He leaned against his boss. Tears rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't pretend. Not anymore. He was to tired. So tired. Suddenly he felt another pair of arms around him. Slowly he felt how Ducky and Gibbs got him on his feet. Slowly they walked back to the house.
Gibbs felt his heart break at the sight of Tony crying. He had never seen Tony cry. Not when Kate died. Not when Paula died. He was the strong one. Letting Abby cry on his shoulder. Holding on to McGee. He didn't cry. Not where anyone could see him.
But now he looked so broken. Shattered. And he wondered. Was this really all his fault? Was he really such a bastard? He used all his strength to walk tony to the house. He was going to help him. It didn't matter how. But he was going to get Tony back on his feet. If it was the last thing he did.
Tony lied on the bed. Ducky and Gibbs had left him here. He could hear their voices far away. It didn't matter. He didn't care. He closed his eyes. Softly he felt himself drift of to sleep. He didn't hear the door open again. He didn't see the look of worry in Gibbs eyes. He slept. But it wasn't peacefull.
He stood on the beach. And he wondered. How did he get here? Slowly it began to dawn to him that this could be a dream. He looked at the ocean. It was so peaceful here. He wanted to stay here forever. He heard a voice call for him in the distance. He turned around. Started to run. And found himself staring at a bench. There he had told Jeanne the truth. There he had lost Jeanne. He turned around and ran. As fast as his feet could carry him. He found himself in a dark room. Paula stood there. He tried to reach to her. She was to far away. A bomb went of. He screamed her name. Noting left. He fell on his knees. Bowed his head. Opened his eyes again. Standing on a rooftop. No, no, no he didn't want to remember this. He didn't want to. But he had no choice. She laughed. A bullet hit her. She fell down. He put his hand on his cheek. Blood. Her blood. Marked. He screamed…
He shot up in the bed. Breathing heavily. Bathing in sweat. It wasn't a new dream. He looked at his hands. He was shaking. He looked at the door. Nobody came. He must have only screamed in his dream. Maybe they just didn't care. He shook his head. Remembered his boss embrace. They did care. He hoped.
Slowly he got on his feet. Shaking. Fear. Pain. Tears. Sweat. Slowly he walked. To the door. He couldn't lie down. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't see them not again. He just couldn't. He kept walking. One foot in front of another. That's all there was to it. Just walk. He took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself down.
But he couldn't. He saw Paula standing there. Kate dead on the ground. Jeanne's shocked face. He couldn't. He couldn't. He kept walking. He walked in the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. Blood. There was blood on his face. He knew it was all in his head. But he could see the blood. Feel the blood. Almost taste the blood.
He turned on the water. Splashing it in his face. It didn't go away. The blood was still there. He splashed more water in his face. It didn't go away. He closed his eyes. Took a couple of deep breaths. Tried to calm himself down. Deep breaths. He opened his eyes again. The blood was still there. She was still there. They all were.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't live like this. He felt his knees go weak. He started to cry. He screamed at his reflection. He couldn't do this. His knees gave in. He fell down on the ground. The door opened. Gibbs came running in.
Gibbs was talking to Ducky. Trying to find a way to help Tony. When he heard his senior field agent scream. He looked up. It only took him five seconds to get upstairs. He opened the door of his bathroom. There he was. The man that was like a son to him. Crying uncontrollably on the floor. Trying to catch his breath. He reacted fast.
He somebody pull him in a strong embrace. While another pair of hands patted on his back. He cried. He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Kate. Paula. Jeanne. Why? He couldn't deal with this. Not with this pain.
He had hit rock bottom and he knew it. He saw there faces. His heart broke more. He felt two strong arms around him. And he knew. He had hit rock bottom.
There was a silver lightening. Just a little one.
Because when you've hit rock bottom all you can do is go back up.