So here I am standing in the kitchen of a person in school whose name I have not bothered to remember. I was at another one of those stupid high school parties where you can a hold of al the alcohol and drugs that you want. I took another drink of my vodka, loving the burn I felt when I swallowed it, I love drinking it raw, the first time I drank vodka I got totally shit-faced and made a complete fool out of myself, but who gives a fuck. I made my way from the kitchen to the living room and sat down on the small leather couch. The music was pounding in my ears. I looked at the people around me and they were dancing, hugging and kissing, it was making me think of things that were far to painful for me to remember, his name ran through my mind and my hands flew to my midsection automatically. The stop in my chest where my heart 'used' to be throbbed painfully and I was dragged into a memory

"I was thinking while I was running . . ." He paused

"About not hitting trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," he chuckled. "Running is a second nature to me, it's not something that I have to think about"

"Show-off" I muttered again.

He smiled.

"No," he continued, I was there was thinking there was something I wanted to try." And he took my face in his hands.

I couldn't breathe.

He hesitated – not in the normal way, the human way. Not the way a man might hesitate before he kissed a woman, to gauge her reaction, to see how he would be received. Perhaps he would hesitate to prolong the moment, that ideal moment of anticipation, sometimes better than the kiss itself. Edward hesitated to test himself, to make sure he was still in control of his need. And then his cold marble lips pressed very softly against mine. What neither of us was prepared for was my response. Blood boiled under my skin burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.

My eyes flew open and my breath came in wild gasps. Memory after memory came at me slamming into me, knocking the air out of my lungs.

Bronze-coloured hair –

His eyes were black – coal black –

Meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face – it was hostile, furious –

Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror –

Today his eyes were a completely different colour: a strange ochre, darker than butter scotch but with the same golden tone –

"I dazzle people?" –

"About vampires" I couldn't look at his face now. But I saw his knuckles tighten convulsively on the wheel –

His lips on mine –

"You are my life now" –

"Watch me hunt" –

His fingers traced slowly down my spine –

He growled, a low sound in the back of his throat; his lips curled back over his perfect teeth. His body shifted suddenly, half-crouched, tense like a lion about to pounce. I backed away from him, glaring "You wouldn't" I didn't see him leap at me – it was much to fast. I only found my self suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me – I was barely jostled. –

James attacking me in the dance studio –

James biting me –

Edward saving me –

Blood –

Prom –

Edward –

Bronze –

Gold –

Love –

Birthday –

Leaving –

The sobs broke through me then at the last memory. People were looking at me weirdly, but I did not care, all I cared about was trying not to think about him. My chest contracted painfully. I couldn't breathe, I did not care about that either. I was trying so hard not to think about that last memory but it crashed into me anyway like the vicious waves of death.

"Bella, we're leaving"

"When you say we" – I whispered

"I mean my family and myself," Each word separate and distant.

I shook my head back and forth mechanically trying to clear it. He waited without any sign of impatience. It tool a few minutes before I could speak.

"okay." I said "I'll come with you"

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying. There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, shifting through them for their real intent.

"You . . . don't . . . want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No"

I stared uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz – hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the words he's spoken.

"Well that's changes things" I was surprised by how calm my voice sounded. It must be because I was so num. I couldn't realize what he was telling me. It still didn't make any sense.

He looked away into the tress as he spoke again "Of course, I'll always love you . . . in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change because I'm . . . tired of pretending to be something I'm, Bella I am not human." He looked back, and the icy panes of his perfect face were not human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't" my voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins, "Don't do this"

He stared at me and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late, he already had.

"You're not good for me Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him. I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently, his face wiped clean of all emotion. I tried again.

"If . . . that's what you want"

He nodded once.

My whole body was numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.

"I would like to ask one favour, though if that's not too much." He said.

I wonder what he saw on my face, because something flicked across his own face in response but before I could identify it, he'd composed his features into the same emotionless mask.

"Anything," I vowed my voice faintly stronger.

As I watched, his frozen eyes melted. The gold became liquid again, molten, burning down into mine with an intensity that was overwhelming.

"Promise me that you won't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nodded helplessly.

"Say it, say you promise" he said his eyes boring into mine so much I think he could see my soul.

"I promise" I whispered.

His eyes cooled and the distance returned. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of your self – for him."

I nodded again and said "I will"

He seemed to relax just a little.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," he said. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

My knees must have started to shake, because the trees were suddenly wobbling. I could hear the blood pounding faster than normal in my ears.

He took a step away from me "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." The plural caught my attention. That surprised me; I would have thought I was beyond noticing anything.

"Alice isn't coming back," I realized. I don't know how he heard me – the words made no sound – but he seemed to understand.

He shook his head slowly, always watching my face.

"Alice is gone?" my voice was filled with disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better fir you."

I was dizzy, it was hard to concentrate. His words swirled around my head, I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.

"Goodbye Bella," he said in the same quite, peaceful voice.

"Wait," I choked out the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward to him.

I thought he was reaching for me, too. But hid cold hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down. And pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed.

"Take care of yourself," he breathed, cool against my skin.

There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of passage.

He was gone.

With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, I followed him into the forest. The evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walked forward without thinking. I could not do anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.

Love, life, meaning . . . over.

I walked and walked. Time made no sense as I pushed slowly through the thick undergrowth. It was hours passing but also only seconds. Maybe it felt like time had frozen because the forest looked the same no matter how far I went. I started to worry that I was travelling in a circle, a very small circle at that, but I kept going. I stumbled often, and as it grew darker and darker, I fell more often.

Finally I tripped over something – it was pitch black now, I had no idea what caught my foot but I fell down and I stayed down, I rolled onto my side so I could breathe and curled up on the wet bracken. As I lay there, I had a feeling that more time passed than I realized. I couldn't remember how long it had been since nightfall. Was it always so dark here at night? Surely, as a rule, some little bit of moonlight would filter down through the clouds, through the gaps in the canopy of trees, and find the ground.

Not tonight. Tonight the sky was totally black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight – a lunar eclipse, a new moon.

A new moon. I shivered, though I wasn't cold.

The numbness I felt started to fade away and the pain that replaced it was crippling, I felt like a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed. Rationally I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun and my efforts to breathe yielded me nothing.

My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I tried to make myself into an even smaller ball by curling inwards, hugging my ribs to try and hold myself together. I wanted to feel the numbness again, but it would not come back. A scream was stuck it my throat, it was burning me, choking me. It managed to escape through my clenched teeth and it shattered through the forest and recoiled of the trees.

My drink fell from my hands and spilled the sofa that I was sitting on. The tears that were running down my cheeks felt like two rivers that were never going to stop flowing. People were crowding around me by this time; someone asked me if I was alright I wanted to scream at them to leave me alone, but I could not seem to find my voice. I managed to contain the sobs as I jumped up from the sofa and ran out of the living room, knocking people down as I ran.

I heard someone shout "Hey, what the fuck!" but I did not stop.

I saw more people dancing and kissing and I felt bile rise in my throat, my hand flew to my mouth to stop it from escaping. As I ran past the people they looked at me weirdly, I ignored them and ran straight for the bathroom, I slammed the door shut, locked it quickly then I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl, it burned my throat on its way up.

I curled up on the floor.

Pain.

That's all I was feeling. I wanted the pain gone it was overwhelming me. Death that's what I yearned for now. Death is like the sea once you get stuck out in the sea in a vicious storm the waves keep pulling you and pulling you until you succumb to its power., I was not going to fight the waves if they came for me I would just let them take me, I would let them consume me. I felt something digging into my leg, its was pricking my leg through my jeans. I reached into my pocket and felt something thin and sharp, there was a sharp pain in my finger, I pulled my hand put and looked at my finger, there was a small cut on it and a drop of blood dripped from it. I reached into my pocket again and I pulled out my razorblade, I always keep one with me at all times now in-case of situations like this. I was surprised I was able to move and concentrate through all the pain.

I grabbed the sleeve of my left arm and dragged it up frantically I looked down at my wrist and I could see the cuts that I had already made, some were healed and old and come were new and still red. I brought the blade to my wrist and pressed down hard and dragged it across my wrist, the relief I felt was imitate. It made me feel in control, it let me control my own pain; it made me feel less of a failure to life. I dropped the razor it landed on the floor with a small thud, I closed me eyes and sighed in ecstasy. The blood ran from the cut, just like the tears had streamed down my cheeks earlier. I opened my eyes and looked at my new cut, the blood was flowing out quickly, there was lots of blood this time, more than usual, I must have cut really deep this time. The blood dripped to the floor.

Ah! There it is, the sound I love it.

I was starting to see black dots in front of my eyes, I let them slide closed, I was starting to feel dizzy, I was whizzing through the air, and then I connected with something, it was cold and hard, the waves were coming.