Pillars of Sanctuary, a KougaxMuramasa fic
Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine.
Author's Note: Very fluff chapter. Can a story based on a filler arc have filler? Apparently so - I wanted to do an update to take my mind off of work (I'm not a very happy copywriter right now, so send some positive vibes for me.)
If you were wincing at the angst, you'll enjoy the fluff. I promise.
Warnings: Yaoi, *maybe* yuri if you squint hard enough, slight mentions of previous abuse (non graphic), um...that's it. This is the T story, so no lemon. There is the obvious implied smexual relationship between K&M. (just a head's up for people who are diving into this chap w/o reading the others...) Full author's notes are always at the bottom if you care to dig into my thoughts around the chap afterward ;)
Storytime. In. The. House!
The poison has left his system, but Kouga feels like he's still stuck in that odd dance between life and death. He aches from head to toe, and he knows from his experience as a shinigami that he still has a few days before he'll really feel like his old self. He thinks about the way things have been so far, and his feelings are mixed. The anger of being cast aside like a set of table scraps still burns within him, but he is no longer completely filled with rage. After all, being sent to Hueco Mundo has opened his mind up to a few new possibilities.
Muramasa. The whispering spirit was really at the heart of him being pulled out of death's clutches. As a shinigami, he's not really afraid of his own death but that does not mean that he wants to actually die. He heard the arrancar mention that his spirit partner carried him into this place and defended him viciously; even when the healer had to strip him down to carry out her work.
"You know I'm always here for you, Kouga."
"Don't call him my first love."
How strange, the way those two statements conflict with each other. Kouga can't recall ever really feeling like he was good at loving anyone or receiving love. While he wasn't a noble, he didn't grow up in a dysfunctional family — there was care, concern and understanding but he wasn't sure if those issues equaled love at all. He wanted to believe in love, wanted to believe in its healing power but he didn't know if he ever really felt it in his life. On the battlefield, strong emotion of any kind was more likely to leave you literally in pieces.
Yet in these thoughts, he can't help but remember the numerous times Muramasa has comforted him. He can't help but remember the way those sky blue eyes have held so much understanding, even when Kouga was blistering with rage. Even the day they were cast into Hueco Mundo, Muramasa was there for him, carefully reassuring and soothing him from within that world of pillars and oceans.
Sanctuary. He can't reflect on his whispering, wandering zanpaktou without thinking about the grand structure the spirit has constructed for him. He imagines that it has taken more energy to create than Muramasa will ever let on. They have comforted each other in that place many times and it truly has become a real home away from home for him. Whenever he is stressed and needs to get away from this constant night scene, he steps into the inner world.
He still can't manifest things as well as Muramasa does, which is why he lets the spirit make the bed and tidy things up. To give him some sort of semblance of his real home, his bright eyed partner even combs his hair and washes it, even though Kouga is well aware these things are mere tricks on the mind. He is not really home, and while finding the underground lakes has been a real blessing — it strongly pales in comparison to his accommodations back in the Sereitei.
Does he really feel anything for me? More importantly, what can I do for him in the long run?
"Don't call him my first love."
That statement keeps ricocheting around in his mind, and he can't help but feel hurt by the words he wasn't supposed to overhear. If Muramasa was really in love with Saira, he could accept that — they were two spirits, it made sense. He wouldn't get in the way of such a thing, would even track down who the spirit belonged to in order to arrange more time for their respective zanpaktou to meet. He didn't really understand much about Muramasa's world and he noticed the spirit didn't volunteer a whole lot of information. He hoped that their seclusion would open Muramasa up a bit more, but he was disappointed to find the spirit still preferred his mysterious, secretive ways.
"I walk, control, and take, Kouga. Isn't that what you wished for in your heart as we trained together, soldier to soldier?"
I walk, control, and take.
I'm going to devour you, Kouga. I'm going to consume you; I'm going to inhale you. Kouga, I'm going to absorb you. Learn to enjoy it.
He remembers those things being said but it was in a different place, with Muramasa indulging his curiosity. He could tell the spirit was not happy about doing such a thing, but he couldn't bear to stop such a delicious scene from its natural completion. It was odd to not be in control, since he knew he was in control all the time.
Follow your instincts, Kouga.
What were his instincts when it came to love? Running. It pricked at his pride as a Kuchiki to realize that whenever emotions got involved, it made him feel like running. It made him feel like hiding until the emotional storm had passed, and that never led to any victory on any battlefield he had experience in.
Yet facing this challenge seemed impossible. He was afraid of being rejected by the spirit, of misinterpreting the actions that seemed so kind and loving yet were really just the mannerisms of a good and loyal servant.
Is that all this is? If so, why am I aching in ways I know the hollow didn't cause?
He wants to face the spirit right now, to look into those sky blue eyes and pray for the understanding he admittedly takes for granted to be there in spades. However, he seems to be gone.
A short sweep of his inner world comes up empty. The little trick is something he could only pick up here in Hueco Mundo after Muramasa's gentle prodding and assistance. It doesn't do him any real good, since Muramasa isn't here.
"Muramasa..."
As expected, Muramasa appears before him, giving him a slight bow before turning to look him in the eye. "Kouga. Good evening."
He chuckles softly, noticing the spirit has remembered their running joke. It is always night in Hueco Mundo, so the spirit always says good evening. Kouga doesn't mind the extra words, since gives him two extra opportunities to hear that deep husky voice slide over his ears like silk over a katana, or the way those long fingernails dance over his back when they're behind closed doors.
Like now, except for the fact he feels like he's been steam-pressed by five thousand Hollow.
Muramasa watches his shinigami with a soft smile, a rarity for the world at large yet something that is growing more common between him and the shinigami when they're alone.
The way those eyes look at me like he's happy to see me fills me with excitement. I don't think I'll ever get enough of the way he looks at me. If only...
Being the spirit linked to an intelligent man strong enough to gain the attention of the Kuchiki house gave Muramasa a few advantages in terms of strategic thinking. He was not foolish enough to believe that such things as love and affection could exist between a shinigami and the zanpaktou bonded to him.
Yet he is very hopeful that there could be. It's not a fact that he wants to really admit out loud, but wants to know that Kouga seems him as something more.
If it was the last thing I heard before I lost my life, I would be satisfied.
"I just needed you near me for a while, Muramasa. Can we talk?"
"Of course." Muramasa feels hesitant to respond positively, cringing at the possibility of something negative coming from his shinigami. He has acted far out of character compared to his movements in the Sereitei, and he can already imagine Kouga is about to remind him of the lines that stand between them. They cannot be lovers. They cannot be partners. Given Kouga's tendency to adopt the same sternness as the Kuchikis he claims to despise so much, Muramasa doubts that they'll be able to even remain friends. It will be a dynamic of wielder and tool, and nothing more than that.
This realization, as much as it hurts the whispering spirit, does not cause his soft smile to waver or lessen the joy in his eyes as he faces Kouga head on. Whatever the shinigami will say, he will accept. Such is the way of things with the lives they lead.
"Are you happy here? With...me?"
Like the Kuchikis he lives around, Kouga is a master of asking questions within questions. Muramasa has heard him use these tactics on others enough times to learn the pattern and bury its foundation deep within his mind. So he responds accordingly.
"Of course, Kouga."
"I...kami, I don't know how to say this."
Muramasa looks up and sees the blush on Kouga's face, along with his nervousness. What can he possibly say to me that make him look like this?
"Follow your instincts, Kouga."
"Come here, then."
He steps forward, trying not to sigh. As much as he enjoys their intimate moments together, he does not want intimacy to simply be a cloak that hides rejection of greater things. He will still give Kouga all he has, publicly and privately, but he does not want any consolation prize for doing so.
Even though this is his thought as he reaches Kouga, those thoughts melt away as Kouga brushes his lips against his in a light kiss that surprises him. The kiss is airy, soft, and surprisingly sweet. He tastes a strange thread of plums and bitter almond on those lips, a taste that is oddly pleasing to him.
Kouga breaks the kiss off and sighs softly. "I'm not good at saying what I feel on the inside. We've been here in Hueco Mundo almost three years now, and I can honestly say ...I couldn't do this without you. I look forward to each new day only because I have you by my side. This road isn't finished - far from it. Yet I don't have the same sense of despair that I had when I first came here. That should be credited to the way you take care of me. I wanted you to know..."
Muramasa reaches out to clutch his hands carefully, making sure the long fingernails don't scratch his flesh. "There is no need to express gratitude, if that is why you summoned me, Kouga. I will always be here for you."
Even if I believe in the possibility of love, I can't expect him to follow suit. I can deal with loving him without it being returned. I will love him for centuries if it means that his world stays peaceful.
Kouga furrows his eyebrows together. "Please, let me ...let me finish, Muramasa."
Muramasa goes silent and suppresses a sigh. He knows that it will either be really good or really bad, and he braces himself against either outcome.
"I am blown away by the way you take care of me. You give everything into the task, and before you launch into a lecture to me about shinigami and zanpaktou, you go beyond that role and we both know it. You didn't have to...comfort me that first time, not that way. You don't do it just because I'm distressed...you've grown to enjoy company with me. We have...conversations. I like that." Kouga pauses, taking a breath before continuing.
"Yet there's a sense of not really knowing much about you, or your world. There's a sense that I'm missing something, something greater that requires me to be more trusting than I am now. We are similar, I guess - we like to have control over things. I can't control this in any manner I've been trained in or taught myself. Muramasa, I love you. I can't tell you when, but I know it now. I...I will understand...if you don't. I'll never say it again...but when I was fighting the poison, I realized that I really could fade away any day for any reason. If I passed on to the next cycle with those words in me...the feelings of regret would be so strong that I fear my reincarnated self would still feel them, even if the memories don't carry over."
Kouga wills himself to stop speaking; stop rambling and spewing thoughts that he isn't quite sure make sense. "So...if you don't..."
"Stop that nonsense."
The tone is sharp enough to cut glass and Muramasa breathes in deeply. "Is that why you're looking so nervous? You really think...you really believe that I don't love you? That I would not hesitant to give you everything I have at a moment's notice? Kouga, I understand what you mean about feelings."
A couple of taps with his nails echo around the small space before he continues. "I am not only a zanpaktou, but I am a zanpaktou spirit that controls others of my kind. What do feelings matter when I can simply reach out and take what I want, anytime I want? The only time I don't feel that way...is when you're looking into my eyes. I would gladly give up my life any time for you, and perish completely fulfilled as long as I know that you are safe and can move on. I am not good at feelings at all. Yet I know in my soul that loving you is a good thing. I know that loving you is the right thing to do. And at the core of it all, I know that loving you is the only thing I really can do. I just do not wish to mess it up. I love you, Kuchiki Kouga."
Kouga traps those cool, pale lips in a deep kiss before the startled spirit can actually respond. Several minutes pass before the shinigami breaks the kiss and moves back to study those sky blue eyes more closely.
He loves me. But ...earlier... "Why did you tell her that I was not your first love?"
There's a slight look of irritation that forms into a classic scowl, and Kouga has to fight laughing. That is his scowl, transported onto a face that seems to wear it so well. "Because when Saira says it, she's saying it to hurt me. She knew I was in love with you before I did, and because of that love ...she is aware that I cannot return any real feelings she may have for me."
"Can't you try?"
"Why should I, when I have centuries to be by your side? I do not wish to harm Rosen Saira at all, yet I will not give her false hope of ever being higher in my heart than where you rest."
It is a calculated answer, and Kouga expects nothing less than that. He's satisfied with the answer, since the major battle has already been addressed.
"I see. So where do we go from here?"
The answer he receives next is less complicated: a deep kiss, with those sky blue eyes reminding him that no matter the subject, they will always be filled with an understanding that goes far beyond words.
Black sheets form a foundation for a prison that she can't escape from, with sharp bolts of reiatsu delivering the final blow to her freedom. There's too many of them. There's too many of them and too few of her. Her zanpaktou seems far away, as if they live on two different continents. Kido is useless here.
"Are you sure no one will come looking for this one?"
"She's not like us. She is not from a noble house."
"Oh good. Ripe for the taking. I plan to take a great deal."
She wants the memories to finally fade, the way the markings have thanks to the skillful 4th Division healer that took extra time to make sure the physical pain wouldn't last very long at all. She is glad that the inner world reflects the way she really feels now. There was too much life here before, but now the snowfall is heavier the way it was meant to be.
As she walks through the inner world, she notices something very odd: roses. Roses are scattered everywhere. She can tell that something is making them live through the snowfall, and she has to admit that the design of soft pinks, reds and yellows laced with snow is very pretty.
I plan to take a great deal.
She's not like us.
No one will come looking for this one.
She tries to push those memories back down into the box she has thrown everything else into, tries to remember that she is different now. As she continues to improve her shikai, she will get strong and powerful. Then nothing and no one will ever be able to stop her again.
Roses everywhere. She finally tracks the rose patterns back to the tall spirit of this world, a spirit she doesn't really understand. In her mind, Barahime is tainted by that demon, twisted up into something that will only be used for pain and suffering. The way she was nearly broken apart and destroyed.
When she reaches the spirit, she notices Barahime doing something very odd: building a snowman. A very tall snowman, with long broken branches for arms. The spirit is humming a soft tune and her dark curly hair is laced with snow.
How can she find peace here when I thought I took all I could away from her?
"Nakamura-san! Help me put this together!"
Mizuki decides to play along with building the snowman, rolling the various sized snowballs together until they have a rather massive snowman.
"We need a snow female to go with him! Wouldn't that be nice?"
"Why, so she can be at his feet?"
Suddenly, the spirit is right in front of her eyes, mere inches from her face.
"No, so she can be at his side, the way all good partners are. Let me show you the difference."
It is a simple statement that fills Mizuki with hope and cuts through the voices of the past in a way she hasn't been able to really accept before. Her knees buckle for a moment, but the spirit embraces her tightly.
Why is she holding me like I'm so precious to her?
"Because the connection between a shinigami and zanpaktou is based on communication and understanding, Nakamura-san. I don't have to hear your thoughts to know you are in great pain today. So I laid a few things here for you."
She points to the snow couple they have built, pointing out the way they're standing side by side. "Sometimes, when your hand is caught in a trap, you have to go to a simpler time to get past the hard times."
Saira watched her shinigami carefully. "I know you and I have a long way to go. It's cold here, and I dislike constantly being surrounded by snow. Because of my ability, the roses will grow just about anywhere. It made me think of you, really."
Her speech is punctuated by a soft kiss to the front of Mizuki's brow before continuing on.
"To the outside world, it looks like you've stopped growing, and in many ways they would be correct. You are so filled with anger, so filled with fear and temper that you are having problems growing into the person you were meant to be. I understand that I am not the flowing water type that you desired. I understand that others mocked you, told you that you were defective and broken when the real truth is you had been hurt beyond belief. I understand, Nakamura-san."
The words are meant to cleanse, but no one ever said that a deep cleanse would not be painful. Mizuki snuggles in closer and sighs. "I expected you to hate me for reacting...to Muramasa..."
"I don't hate you. I understand your perspective to some extent - and within that perspective, you are seeing his worst characteristics."
"He has good ones?"
"He's the one that encouraged me to reach out to you."
"Oh." Mizuki doesn't know what to really say to that. She still doesn't trust the demon zanpaktou, knowing full well that if he wanted to control Barahime more strongly, he could.
"Saira?"
"Nakamura-san?"
"Just call me Mizuki."
"Mizuki-san. What is it?"
"I'm going to ...try to be better. Could you just...hold on to me like this for a little while before I have to go?"
"It would be my pleasure, Mizuki-san."
There were other battles to face, other challenges on the horizon. But for the moment, Saira was certain that this was a good sign of things to come. In her mind, she hoped Muramasa and Kouga were all right.
Take care of your first love, my whispering friend. Do not wait forever to tell him the lines and valleys of your heart.
Kouga leans back in bed, holding a quiet Muramasa in his arms. He is still buzzing with excitement.
He really loves me. His words earlier were so sincere. I ...don't want this feeling to stop.
"You are still tired. You will need more rest."
"I'll be okay."
"Oh? Is that why you woke up and did not go back to sleep after realizing I was away?"
"Where did you go?"
A bit of a pause. "Kouga, I will tell you after we've both had some sleep. I learned a few new things about this current world we've been thrust into."
"Oh. I thought..."
"They are Hollow, as much as they would like to present themselves as an advanced tribe. I am still the spirit linked to a shinigami. What would you like me to do?"
"Well...uh..."
Muramasa cut off his rambling statements with another soft kiss. "You are a very stubborn man. Sleep now."
"Stay with me?"
Muramasa smiled and nodded, watching those apple green eyes slowly close. "Do not worry, Kouga. I am here with you." He paused for a moment, remembering their earlier conversation. He added in a lower whisper, just loud enough for his shinigami to hear, "I love you."
There was nothing else to say.
AN: I wrote this before bed - I needed some warm and fuzzies after the hard day I had. I'm sorry if they seem a touch OOC with respect to the rest of Pillars. I was re-reading the review from Lanny, and thought, "Why am I torturing these two?"
Both sides of the story are getting a "happy" edit for this chapter. I wanted so badly to jump into what Muramasa "learned" while off with the arrancar, but I have to wait for a few more chapters. Hence, filler. Fluff filler.
I've tried to go back through this fic and add the italics. I'm starting to like them a great deal.
I'm sorry up front for the angst — but c'mon, I'm Marisa Serise. You weren't expecting pure fluff, were you? I might write another fluffy chapter but eh, we'll see.
I was totally fangirl'ing during their love-y scene. I needed this chapter after ep 253. That part where Muramasa is really about to become all Hollowfied and he's screaming for Kouga still? Heartbreaking. Even though filler!Kouga is excruciatingly mean and has even been defeated, Muramasa still aches to be close to his shinigami. Aww.
I am still trying to weave pieces of the filler arc through Pillars — much of what has been displayed in the filler arc will need to be placed into the *next* installment of Pillars. This is dealing more with a stretching and re-interpretation of the events within 250 & 251. I don't think I will approach 252 & 253, but I can't spill the beans on why. If you're following the story though, you'll notice I've woven their bonds a lot stronger here, which will come into play as some of the more tragic events begin to play out. I still have to deal with the Sealed Kouga Sandwich. We'll see how that plays out.
I hope that I didn't make these two too mushy, but I wanted them to get some fluffies.
I pulled back a little on the Sai/Miz angst machine - gave them some fluff time too. My beta whined for yuri, but I'm not skilled with the yuri at *all*, and I didn't want to cross into Mary Sue land in the process. I'm personally a Kou/Mura/Sai sandwich shipper, even though I'm not bold enough to write a happy threesome into this. That would be a complicated lemon indeed.
Thank y'all so much for your comments, PMs, reviews, views and overall good nature towards my lonely KxM series. I would love for the KxM ship to be MASSIVE the way ByaRen or GinKira are, but that's just me thinking and wishing out loud.
Oh, I forgot to touch on the Mizuki thing - those little flashbacks may crop up from time to time. I tried to keep it very light and non-graphic. I warned at the top because I know that it's a serious topic and a trigger for many people that may be reading this fic at any time. Yet without the characterization and the explanation, Mizuki comes off as a flat villain with no spirit. I need balance.
Time to get under the covers and dream about more KougaxMuramasa yummies. Yes, I dream in Bleach. What, you don't?
*lays out more Kouga and Muramasa cookies* I might eat all the Kouga cookies - lord, that man is *fine* (young!Kouga, I mean. crazy!Kouga...I don't know, you can tell he was a hottie back in the day. I would have ridden that little red ponytail all the way down to...uh, what was I saying?)
Hoping for more breaths of fresh air so I can write more fanfic, but this is crazy busy season for my copywriter's life apparently. I'll check in when I can, but assume that I am MIA until further notice on my profile. This also means that if I'm following / mini-beta'ing your fic, I might be more out of range than I would like be.
That's all! Thanks for reading!