Diagnosis is Far From Supernatural

Part III

Two pairs of bright and scared eyes were fixated on the sight of rubber gloves slowly pulled on by their "attending" doctor.

House squinted at the two brothers who looked back at him with "deer in the headlights" expressions.

Some people make it too easy, he thought wickedly.

"Okay, kiddo. Assume the position."

"Uh, you mean Sam, right?" Dean asked, hopefully.

"What?! Shouldn't you be checking our temperature or our pulse?" Sam exclaimed.

"Sorry, do you have an M.D. in your back pocket? It is in my professional opinion that an infection may be stemming from the special places."

For embarrassingly dramatic effect, House poked his cane below Sam's waistline.

"Hey!"

Sam never felt the urge to shoot innocent people. However, this man was gonna become the first exception.

"Anyway, I meant for older brother here to drop his pants," House continued, nodding in Dean's direction.

Oh, man, Dean groaned inwardly. Sam was trying not to appear too relieved but was miserably failing from his perspective.

Dean unbuckled his pants and bent over quickly to get the whole thing over with.

This sadly resulted in Sam closing his eyes much too late and lead to him silently praying the whole situation would not scar him for life.

"Huh," House said.

Dean grinned to himself. "I know. It's a fine-sculpted piece of anatomy you're looking in."

House didn't answer as he was actually looking at his watch with a wrinkled brow. Must waste more time, he concluded.

"Don't damage the cheeks, man," Dean warned.

"I assume modesty is not in your limited vocabulary, is it?"

"Just like 'sugar, spice and all that's nice' isn't in your forte, old man."

"Oh, a smartass. And I seeing as I'm looking at your ass, I meant it metaphorically speaking."

"Hey, the longer you keep me bent over the more of my snot gonna be decorating your sanitized floor."

"Well, time to explore then."

Dean shut his eyes tight and gritted his teeth anticipating the invading appendages in his butt.

Instead, a sharp puncture like someone sticking a ball point pen in his left butt cheek caused him to squeal like a pig on the loose.

"Son of a bitch!"

Sam snapped his eyes open and watched as House stuck a nice big needle in Dean's ass and injected some kind of drug.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

House pulled the needle out with a bored expression causing Dean to cry out again.

"Doing? I'm a doctor. I'm holding a needle. I would guess I'm doing my job. There's a first time for everything, after all."

Dean winced as he pulled his pants back on. "Oh, I know what you're doing and it ain't medical. It's freaking torture. And I'm not having it, Doctor McSnarky."

House feigned mock surprise. "Oh, you got me. Mr. Peterson."

Dean arched an eyebrow. The way he said their alias made it seem like he was on to their forged health insurance. Not good.

Dean laughed in similar mocking fashion. "How about you give me a prescription and a lollipop or two and my brother and I will roll out with our bodies unviolated? Sound peachy?"

"Dean!"

"What? I love me some lollipops," Dean said, wiping his sniffing nose.

"What wrong's with my brother?" Sam asked, exasperated.

House took a deep breath and leaned on his cane heavily. "All right. I'll give it to you straight."

Sam gripped his brother's shoulder in worried anticipation. Dean swallowed, which made his already sore throat tingle.

"You have . . .Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

Dean turned pale. "I have cancer?"

"Dean, that is not cancer! It's that stupid word from that Mary Poppins movie," Sam said, giving House the old Evil Eye.

"Mary Poppins? What's that an old British porn flick?"

"Good lord. You're Disney retarded," House said, shocked.

"I am not. I've seen that busty Native American chick's story. You know the one where Mel Gibson voiced her blonde pimp," Dean retorted.

"Right. Look at the time! Gotta go catch some lunch," House announced.

"My brother—" Sam started.

"Your brother is less of a dumbass than you are. It's the flu. I gave him a shot. Inject him with copious amounts of orange juice and gruel and he'll be back to normal in a few days."

"Hear that Sammy! I'm not dying," Dean said, happily. Then the reality of the situation donned on him more negatively.

"The flu? Man, I'll be in bed for days. No chicks, no pool hustling, no . . ." Dean mumbled, sadly to himself.

"What about me? You said there might be something wrong," Sam persisted.

House shrugged as he walked to the door. "I'll be back. If you can't wait, you're more than welcome to tag along. It's on the house. Or more specifically on my buddy."

Dean perked up. "Free meal? Dude, we are so there."

"Dean, you're not well enough. We're going back to the motel," Sam argued.

House turned around and poked Sam with the cane again. "Don't even start Emo posturing. We'll get him a wheelchair. His sinuses should be clearing up for at least an hour from the medicine and his fever has gone down."

As House was tripping down a nurse to get a wheelchair, Sam turned to his brother far from happy.

"I think we should get a second opinion."

"Why? I'm already feeling slightly better."

"I hate that guy."

Dean chuckled at the expression on Sam's face. It's an expression usually addressed to him when he's driving his brother crazy.

"Yeah, but he's sharp, Sammy. He's already wise to our healthcare fraud. And he said something is wrong with you. If the bastard hasn't been fired already then he's gotta be their best."

Sam's shoulders dropped in defeat. "So, we're going to lunch?"

"Yep. God, I hope they have pie."

First a big THANK YOU for all the kind and encouraging reviews!

I hope none of the characters got OOC in this chapter, lol. My writing is mediocre but I strive to get better.

So, next chapter will bring Dr. James Wilson into the story. Part IV will probably be posted sometime this weekend.

And you know what? I forgot to add a disclaimer to my fic! So here it goes:

Disclaimer: I solemnly swear I do not own House, MD or Supernatural. I also solemnly swear that I did not sleep with my Supernatural Season Two DVD set last night. Any allegations against me for fondling is completely unfounded.