He Brought Him Grapes
Edited RolePlay By Interstella and 'Jordan'.
Part 4
Roy blinked, shocked that he was no longer holding a FullMetal Alchemist. As he tilted his head up to look at the boy, he let his mouth fall open slightly upon hearing what he had to say. Had he really taken offense to that?
Shit.
Only just then registering the fact that Ed was already headed for the door, Mustang hurried to his feet, intent on catching up with him. "Ed, wait!"
Roy didn't like this. This wasn't Ed - he was acting completely different. Roy couldn't stand to see him feelings so wrong, he needed to see the Ed that he knew.
Suddenly realizing something, Mustang stopped dead in his tracks. What was he thinking? He "needed" Ed to feel better? Damn it, Ed needed to stop with the pity party so he could keep up with his job, not for Mustang. Roy could care less about Ed's mood swings as long as they didn't get in the way of his duty to the military. So why, when Ed was free of assignments at the time, did Roy see the as such an issue?
Edward's voice seemed to echo in the colonel's mind, "I don't know why I cared about you in the first place. You'll always be a bastard."
Roy covered his eyes with his hands, feeling a headache coming on. He felt like he had just come down from an adrenaline high and now his system was failing. A freezing heat began it's decent down from the top of his head to his toes, causing him to feel dizzy. His eyes stung and his stomach clenched. He felt like total crap.
Abruptly turning on his heel, Mustang heaved and puked into the nearest toilet.
Hearing Mustang's voice, Ed stopped and turned to look at him. Less than a minute after he turned, Mustang ran to the bathroom and Ed could hear him throwing up. Nice. He'd just had to rub in how sick Ed made him, how disgusted he made him.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to prevent himself from getting upset. Seeing his brother, he felt his lips tremble as he felt another wave of emotion wash over him. "C-c'mon Al." he said quietly, his voice trembling. "Lets leave the fucktard to his vomiting."
Without turning around, he continued on, not even looking back to see if Al was following.
--- --- ---
Once he got to their hotel, he turned to Al, swallowing a little. "H-Hey Al… Can… Can I have a little time alone?" He asked quietly, making it obvious that he was struggling to control his emotions. "I-I just need to settle down." He looked down at the ground, not wanting to look at Al as he shuffled his feet, his automail foot making a small clanking sound as he stood on it.
Alphonse sighed gently, nodding his head, "Alright, Brother. I'll just be looking around town, then."
He watched to make sure his brother made it into the hotel before sighing once more and making his way towards the marketplace.
--- --- ---
When Roy had finished hurling his guts out and gone back to his room, he found himself staring at the ceiling again. How annoying to have to relapse the day before returning to work. Roy rubbed his aching temples in circles in an attempt to calm his mind.
He was trying to make some sense out of what had happened with Ed. As he closed his eyes, pieces of everything that had happened in the past two days wove themselves together. Bits of conversations and pictures of actions blipped across his mind like data on a screen. The data systematically divided to find the pieces that fit into the subject of Edward Elric, and then those memories would divide and place themselves into less generalized folders.
Roy frowned at how closely this method resembled that of filing paperwork. Nevertheless, he watched from behind his eyelids as the process continued until all the facts - and a few small assumptions - finally made sense and he had come to his conclusion.
Mustang opened his eyes. "Oh. So that's why he brought the grapes."
--- --- ---
Spending time in his room, once again contemplating his feelings towards Roy, Ed found himself feeling more and more depressed. After about two hours of sitting in his room alone, he stood and left. He had a small plan forming in his head. He just had to confront Roy about it, and make him piss him off enough to turn these feelings of lust (because Ed had finally admitted to himself that yes, he wanted to sleep with Mustang. He wanted to pound him into the mattress and get pounded in return), into anger.
So with his mind made up, he made his way back to the hospital. Getting to the room took much less effort than letting himself in the room. "Mustang." He said as he walked in.
Staring at the older man defiantly, he took a deep breath before speaking to him. "I need to hate you." He said, "I need to be so pissed off with you, that the only reason you're not dead is because I make it a point not to kill people if I don't have to." He took a breath before continuing. "Because if I don't hate you, things are going to get really awkward, really quickly. And I've never confessed to anyone before, so I dunno how to do it, but I guess I just did. So yell at me, call me disgusting, call me weird and creepy, insult me, make me feel like I'm two inches tall!" He looked down as he spoke, "because I can't look at you. I can't look at you without wanting to do things that are really wrong, that should never be done, especially not between two guys." He coughed a little then, using his bangs to hide the flush on his face.
"So please," Okay, he didn't like the begging tone that was in his voice, it reminded him too much of his earlier meltdown, none the les, he continued, "please make me hate you."
Mustang looked over to the opening door and allowed his eyes to follow the boy to where he stopped in the middle of the room. It was sad, really, how accustomed he'd become to people walking in and out as they pleased.
Before he could open his mouth to remind the intruder that he had once again failed to knock, Ed spoke up on his own.
Mustang stared at the boy, listening intently to everything that came out of his mouth, patiently taking it all in. He even stayed silent when Ed had finished talking, just to make sure that he really was done. Only then did Roy shift to lean his elbow on the night stand, and rest his cheek against his fist. He studied what he could see of Ed's face for just a moment before taking note of the rest of his body language; the way he stood, whether his hands fiddled nervously, how long his feet could stay still.
"Hm..." Slowly, Roy shifted his body around, placing his feet on the ground and standing up off the mattress. Everything that had happened since Ed's returned was so hectic, this didn't come as nearly as much of a surprise. Actually, this was the most expected thing the blonde had done so far. Leave it to Edward to confront someone about the desire to be pissed at them. But Roy wasn't an idiot. He new that this time it was still, different, Ed was still uncomfortable, still upset, and now Roy finally knew why.
He walked towards Ed, only stopping when he stood not but a foot in front of him. He knew what Ed wanted from him, what he expected him to do. He knew what he otherwise would or should be doing in this situation... but maybe it was just that he was feeling rebellious.
"You're impossible," he muttered as he leaned down and pressed his lips to Ed's.
As soon as the action took place, Ed froze, his entire body stood still, save for his eyes that went impossibly wide. After less than a second, he was arguing with himself, his instincts verses his …well…other instincts. Part of him was saying how wrong this was, how both Roy and Ed were men, how this couldn't work, and the other part of him, the much smaller, more passionate side, was saying how nice it felt to feel liked.
Eventually, it was the first part that won out. Fury piled in him as he pushed Roy back roughly, glaring at the other while breathing deeply. "What the hell!?" He shouted, taking a hasty step back. His expression was that of somebody betrayed, like he'd been hurt. "No! You can't do that!" He yelled, finally settling on a single expression, fear. He looked terrified, and indeed he was, but he wasn't afraid of Roy. No. He was afraid of himself. His body had reacted strongly to that small kiss, and he knew that it would take only a little more pushing to be goaded into doing what his body and heart desired.
But his mind craved to be normal. And this was anything but.
"That's gross! Disgusting… You're supposed to be pissed at me! To find me repulsive! And don't give me any crap about wanting me back, I know you, I know your reputation!" he was still walking backwards, even though his back had now pressed against the wall. It looked like he was trying to walk through the concrete structure, just to get away from Roy without having to turn his back on him.
Mustang narrowed his eyes at Ed's ridiculous behaviour. What, did he think he was going to make it past the drywall and concrete?
"You're the one that wanted to be upset with me." Roy was starting to wonder why the fuck he had tried that in the first place. Hell, he'd wondered it as he was about to do it. Now he just felt slightly confused, and a little ticked. Maybe the nurses had given him the wrong medication.
"You're welcome," He added, almost as an afterthought.
Despite his annoyance, Roy didn't seem to find it in him to regret what he had done. Logically, he knew he shouldn't have, but he new what regret felt like. This wasn't it. It should have been, it just wasn't. Roy frowned at himself. Ed was freaking out. He didn't feel embarrassed, but definitely felt something was wrong.
Let's see. The younger one didn't want it, but the older one did it anyway...
Did that count as molestation?
A humourless, sour chuckle came from Ed, the sound cold and fearful. "You really are a bastard." He said, "And you're an idiot too. Do you think I want to be like this? To be a freak? To be completely and utterly wrong on the most instinctual level?" Now he was laying out all his fears, his homophobia, letting the other man know why this couldn't happen. "I'm gay Mustang." He said the word as if it left a sour taste in his throat, like it was the hardest thing to say out loud. "And you're not helping…"
He finally pulled away from the wall, but only by half a step. "Because now I have a taste. Well thank you very much!" He was being sarcastic now, a rage filling him to the bone. This was what he wanted, he wanted to be pissed at Roy. But… "I wanted to be pissed at you so I could fucking get over you. Now I just want to get under you! That did not help at all!" Shaking his head, he headed to the door. "I don't know why I keep coming to you for help." He mumbled on his way out before leaving the room, "You just seem to fuck it up one way or another."
He managed to somehow hide his trembling until he made it out into the corridor. Just outside the door to Roy's room, and slightly to the left, he was out of sight and collapsed to his knees, holding his arms around himself as he tried to stop from feeling the way he was now. He needed to calm down, both from the emotional torrent running through him, and from the physical effects of having Mustang kiss him.
Ed was sat against the wall beside Roy's door, his legs up to his chest and his head leaning on his knees. He was trembling, again. "Damnit!" He yelled, punching the wall beside him. He really felt like he was out of place, like this was wrong.
But then he started to ask the question why.
Why was it wrong to feel like this for a guy? Was it just because the sex was awkward, and potentially a lot more messy than the standard kind? Why was it strange?
He didn't know why he was still there, maybe deep down he was waiting for Roy. Maybe he needed to be accepted for the way he was… but who would do that? He was… wrong.
He didn't look up from where he was sat, feeling incredibly childish and wistful.
--- --- ---
Roy rubbed his temples once again. Of course Ed ran away again. Why couldn't things ever work out easy for him? Why was there always something that he felt obligated to fix?
Immediately feeling like the biggest douche he had ever been in his 29 years, Roy skipped past the mental punishment and jumped right to physically slapping himself in the face to put an end to the selfish train of thought. He wouldn't allow himself to think he had problems when there was kid outside who was probably crying. Roy rubbed the palm of his hand down his face, sighing. He didn't know whether the next "why" question that came to mind was more or less acceptable.
Why did this one thing seem like it was possibly the most important of them all?
Ed had told Roy that he was gay as if it was news to the colonel, as if he hadn't already figured it out and was really just teasing him with that kiss. In reality, Roy would have liked to think of it that way, that it had just been a joke. But he couldn't bring himself to believe it. He remembered moving closer to Ed, not knowing what he was doing or why he was doing it but not finding the urge or care to stop.
Mustang walked to his door but didn't go any further. In some ways, it would be best for Roy to swallow his pride and follow Ed so he could apologize; In others, the best thing for Ed was to be left alone. He was definitely in a predicament... because Roy really did want to hold him again.
He pressed his forehead to the wood of the door, the cool material soothing his slightly throbbing head. He thought about how much Ed had emphasized how "disgusting" he was, how "wrong" it was for him to be with a man. It wasn't just Roy that he was disgusted with for kissing him... Ed was so upset lately because he couldn't accept himself, and couldn't stand the way he was. How had he convinced himself of that? How could someone live with constantly thinking that way?
Roy stepped back from the door, finally making the decision to turn the knob. If he wasn't going out to comfort Ed, he was at least going to slap some sense into him. He'd done it before.
Stepping out into the hall, Mustang nearly fell over when he saw that Ed was only just outside his door, and had been this whole time.
Now that he was aware of what Ed felt for him - or at least for what was in his pants - he couldn't help but wonder about himself as he looked down at the blonde. Honestly, he'd never really thought about it before...
Ed leaned back against the wall, his eyes noticing Roy standing there, watching him. "What?" He asked quietly, a little drained now. He didn't want to run anymore, but it was instinctual for him to get away to collect his feelings – if he couldn't just hit them with his right arm that was…
"I don't have the energy for this anymore colonel." He said, still looking up. He was still trying to figure himself out, trying to work past the shame.
After a moment, he looked down again, "I don't want to be like this anymore." He said, repeating his earlier words, "Just tell me how to be normal, how to stop feeling these things…" He lowered his head so that his chin was on his arms, that were no on top of his legs. "Teach me how to like girls…" He demanded quietly.
"Teach you how to like girls?" Mustang's tone clearly expressed his opinion that Ed's request may very well have been the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. Lowering himself to the ground next to Ed, Roy pulled his feet in Indian style and sighed softly.
"I don't have the energy for this either, you know, Ed. It certainly took me long enough to figure out why in God's name you were pelting me with grapes, while I slept - In my hospital bed, might I add." Roy turned his head to look at Ed. "Anyway, I don't know how you got it into your head that being gay means the end of the world, but you need to get it out. Get over it, accept yourself, and Ed, please, for the love of God, stop trying to be normal. Any 'normal' person, by whatever your definition, is more correctly described as 'abnormal'. They are the overwhelming minority of the world and by no means happy or pleasant to be around. Understand?"
Remembering the "squirt" incident, Roy decided to avoid adding an 'Any normal person would have to be at least three inches taller' comment - at least for now.
Ed shook his head, disagreeing with Roy. "It's not right." He said, "Ever since I was a little kid, I've been thinking 'when I grow up, I'll marry Winry and have kids'. But I can't do that. That'd be wrong to her." He pulled his legs closer, not looking at Roy. "I want at least one thing in my life to be normal." He laughed bitterly, "I can't even dream normally anymore. It's like you take up too much space in my head, and my dreams are mocking me for it, showing me what I want but can never have…" He was flushed red at the admission, realizing that he'd practically told Roy that he had sex dreams about him.
"Dreaming that stuff isn't normal." He mumbled, lowering his head again so that it was hidden by his arms.
"And you." He began to speak again, "You're not helping. Now I know there's no way I'll have normal dreams, not for a while. And what's the big deal on kissing anyway, it just feels weird." Roy had given him his first kiss, and Ed honestly believed that that was all that happened in a kiss, the placing of lips together. He had no idea about the other way of kissing, about how exciting it could be.
Roy fought back the urge to remark on Ed's dreams about him. It was surprisingly difficult not to be able to tease that blonde, but Roy didn't want him to take it seriously. However, when Ed commented on kissing, he couldn't help but chuckle as he smirked slightly.
"What's the big deal?You've never kissed anyone before, have you, Ed?" The colonel couldn't help but think of all the ways he could show the blonde how pleasurable a kiss could really be. He shook his head gently as if to clear it. Maybe Ed's dreams were contagious. But it wasn't the new thoughts about FullMetal that had him worried, it was his age. Now that Roy was thinking clearly, he knew now that he had to ignore the urges that Ed - 13 years younger in age - had recently inspired. Being with Ed was wrong, the colonel knew that, especially when Ed didn't reallywant it. But being gay in general... why was that such a crime?
He sighed gently, leaning his head back against the wall and gazing up at the ceiling. Another white ceiling. Of all the times for the kid to be stubborn.
"You know, Ed... you're not the only one with desires that can't be controlled."
"Yeah?" Ed said, a little sarcastically, "I know you have desires, you're Central's number one skirt chaser." He said, "But at least your desires are normal." He shook his head and sighed. "I just… don't get it. Why am I like this? Does everything strange have to happen to me?" He asked.
Thinking back to what Roy said, Ed shook his head, "And yeah. I've been kissed. By you." He said pointedly, "And frankly it sucked." Finally, he turned his head to look Roy directly in the eyes. "But why did it have to be you? Why are you the one I want. I mean, I've had crushes before… I used to blush every time Havok talked to me… But I got over those in a matter of days…" He sighed again, feeling a lot more drained than he should. "And I never wanted to do some of the things I think of." At that, his face went beat red. He could just imagine what he wanted from Roy, what he wanted them to do to each other. But then, he started thinking… Everyone had been going on about how soul reaching a kiss could be, and they were all obviously exaggerated, so what if they'd exaggerated sex? What if sex was as boring as kissing? That would certainly explain the weird fetishes people had.
What was the big deal.
"Maybe I'm just curious." He continued, "Maybe I just want to know what it's like, so that I can forget about it and get over you." He bit his bottom lip. "When I… when I first started to think of you…" he stuttered a little there, "I thought it'd be like the others… That I just admired you… but… damn it… what is it about you?" He asked, "Why won't this go away? And why did I have to fall for a guy!" At that point, he put his hands over his head, as if trying to hide from the world.
"You and Al, you're both telling me that it's not wrong to be gay, but it is." He said, "It's not natural." Awkwardly, he shook his head in his arms. "I just… don't understand."
And there it was. The true reasons behind his homophobia. He was a scientist, he didn't like things that he didn't understand, that he couldn't figure out. It didn't fit for him.
Since when had Ed started admitting everything to Mustang? It seemed so... different. And to be honest, all the mentions of what Ed wanted to do with Roy was making it hard to focus. Was it just him, or was it getting hotter in the hall?
Mustang subtly shifted a little farther away from the blonde and reminded himself that he was completely under control. He just needed to help Ed get his head on straight and then go straight to bed. By himself.
"Look, Ed. Emotions can't be explained with logic... or science. But they're still natural. No one person has the same emotions as another, but it makes them who they are." Roy kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling. It was getting harder to look directly at Ed by the minute.
Roy always knew that he would be able to swing both ways but never thought about t enough to wonder if it was wrong. He actually found it funny that Ed had apparently had a thing for Havoc at some point, Roy actually caught himself checking Havoc out over his stack of paperwork in the office every now and then. So did that mean that Roy was disgusting? He frowned at that thought. Did Ed honestly think he was the only one that wasn't a heterosexual?
"I don't know anymore." Ed mumbled, turning his head and looking at Roy. "Why do you even care? If you get me to accept myself, it's more likely that I'm gonna make moves on you…" The small smile that was on his face showed the other that it had been a weak attempt at a joke. Ed didn't even know how to hit on people.
He sighed softly and leaned back against the wall, feeling a little more relaxed. He didn't know why, but Roy being close to him and talking to him without insulting him was comforting. Too bad this couldn't last. Ed could tell Roy was wanting to call him short, or insult him in another way.
Turning his head, while still leaning it against the wall, he frowned slightly as he looked at Roy. "What's wrong with you?" He asked, noticing his flushed state and the way he was shifting uncomfortably. "You're not the one having a crisis of …sexuality." He pointed out, having trouble getting the last word out.
Mustang nearly rolled his eyes. "That's because it's not a crisis, Ed. I'm already aware of my sexuality. And anyway..." Roy smirked slightly, "Having you hit on me would definitely be something to see. Besides... I'd like to see you feeling better and back to normal again. To be honest, all this with taking me seriously all the time is a little unnerving."
Roy forced himself to look Ed in the eyes. He really was adorable. Roy thought he might just have to bump him up on the list of who to keep an eye on one above Havoc. Looking never hurt anybody anyway.
"So... do you still want me to make you angry?"
Still watching Roy, Ed waited for a moment before speaking, "I don't know." He said, "You're right, talking like this is… damn weird…" He said, "I mean, it's not helping with my situation, and even when I'm angry with you I still want to do things to you…" He told him quietly, still completely serious. "I mean, I've heard of angry sex but…" And then, he shut up, his face growing bright pink. He mumbled something under his breath about walls not being sturdy enough, and buried his head in his arms again.
"Part of me wants to hate you because of how you've made me feel." He continued talking, his voice muffled slightly by his arms. "I want to hate you for making my mind spin like this, for making me want to do really wrong things... But… But I can't!" The last word was frustrated, "No matter how much you fucking insult me, how much you manipulate me for your own needs, I just can't hate you." He pulled his knees closer to himself, "And then you go and show me your nice side, and that just fucks me up further."
Roy let his mouth fall open ever so slightly, his eyes now completely fixed on the blonde. What did he mean by the way he made him feel? Why did he seem like he couldn't bring himself to hate Roy in any circumstance? Had Ed truly fallen for Roy?
Pulling his head back, Ed turned his body to look at Roy. "If nothing else, I want to know why. Why you?" He demanded, as if Roy would know the answer. "Why couldn't I have fallen for Winry? Why did it have to be you?"
Maybe Ed's feelings went a little further than lust... Mustang's eyebrows furrowed slightly. Why was that so horrible?
Why Roy? Why Roy? Please, God, anybody but Roy!
It's not as if he was some cold-blooded killer. So what if he was a little manipulative?Hell, Ed hadn't even seen just how well Roy could kiss.
"Well... I'm sorry for forcing you to like me - I couldn't help myself," the colonel muttered sarcastically. "Really, Ed, I don't mean to direct this all toward me, but you can't blame me for being a little insulted. What the hell is so wrong with me to make you sound like you'd prefer anybody else?"
"Because… because… you're Mustang." Ed tried to explain, to figure out his own feelings. He lifted his head now and looked at Roy. "You're manipulative, you spend all your time trying to piss me off, you seem to try so hard to be a bastard!" He shook his head, "And I don't want to feel like that for a guy, for someone who's nearly twice my age…"
He felt bad for insulting Roy. Sure, he was a bastard to him, and manipulated him a lot, but… but Roy had kept his secret, had helped him get a head start in the world.
"And you know what you're doing, and I'm still completely lost." He sighed, trying to figure out how to explain himself. "And I know you wouldn't want me back." He added quietly, but still audible.
Sighing, he leaned back against the wall then slowly fell sideways, needing to feel some sort of contact. His head was now on Roy's shoulder.
Roy sighed gently at the warmth that emanated from his chest when Ed leaned against him. What was the blonde doing to him? These feelings all of a sudden... he wondered if they had always been there, resting dormant in his heart. He still didn't know quite what they were... but they were definitely new to him. And he definitely liked the way it felt.
That's what scared him. Even Ed saw the problem in their age difference. He'd seen it done before but, even so, it wasn't acceptable to have a romantic relationship with your boss.
So was his heart really attempting to go there? Was Ed wrong? Did Roy... want him back?
Mustang closed his eyes and shook his head gently. He'd wanted plenty of things that he had to turn down for the better good in his life. How hard could it be to let this go?
Roy tilted his head to the side, resting it gently on top of Ed's. He felt tired... and Ed felt so warm...
Maybe it was harder than he thought.
"And now you're being so nice." Ed mumbled, sighing softly. "And I wanna stay like this, it's nice. But my butt's numb." He mumbled as he shifted slightly to stand. Without thinking, he offered his hand to Roy. It took him a second to notice what he'd done, but he didn't retract it, instead he looked Roy in the eyes. "You're sick, right. You should be in bed, resting." He added the last thing on the end so that it didn't sound like a proposition. But still, his face flushed again.
"Hawkeye would kill me if you had to spend more time off work because of me…" He offered Roy a small smile, even though he was obviously still nervous. "And I think we need to figure this out…" the admission was quiet, but truthful. Ed knew that if they were to go their separate ways now, things would be awkward next time they saw each other, and since they worked together, it was impossible to avoid one another forever.
Mustang felt his heart jump when Ed smiled in front of him. God, this was so fucked up.
Taking the hand offered to him, Roy hoisted himself to his feet. When he looked down into those beautiful golden eyes, instead of letting go, his grip tightened against his will.
"What do you expect we have here to figure out?" Roy forced himself to release the blonde's hand, yanking his own hand down to rest at his side. At least they were both thinking logically. The problem was, Roy had no idea if there was any real solution to something like this.
Ed sighed softly, heading back to Roy's room, trusting him to follow. "Mustang, I don't know what I want, but right now, I'd settle for being able to be close to you without having to find a private place soon after." He mumbled, "And don't you dare smile at me." He added, looking over his shoulder to look at him. "Because I don't like feeling like the world is spinning."
Now that he'd admitted his feelings to Mustang, it was easier to tell him this sort of thing.
Once they got into Roy's room (which obviously didn't take long), Ed sat on Roy's bed, looking at the other. "I'm looking to you for advice. We both know it won't work between us. So teach me how to get over you." He demanded, "I don't want to react like this…" He explained, "I'm so wound up that I'm sure I'm scaring Al at night…"
He sighed, "Colonel, we have to figure out how to stop this."
Mustang studied the face of the other, noticing the determined expression. He knew Ed was starting to look on the situation as a business deal - something they had to get through and done with. Watching the boy's face, now that Roy was intentionally trying not to smile, the task had suddenly become difficult. How bowed his head, his bangs casting a shadow over his eyes in his attempt to hide the amusement that tugged at his lipped as he stifled away a snicker. Ed was just too cute, and now that Roy really realized it, he was having one hell of a hard time holding back. It was as if his body was yearning to make up for the loss of time when the colonel remained oblivious those years before.
Oh shit. Ed was right - this was bad. This couldn't happen. Ed and Roy couldn't happen.
Mustang sighed as he sat down next to Edward, making a point to keep a safe enough distance between them to be sure that their legs wouldn't touch. He smelled nice. Havoc always smelled like cigarettes. And Riza just smelled... well, clean. Roy looked down at his hands resting in his lap, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"Alright, Ed..." he started slowly, "I'll do what I can to teach you to get over me."
Mustang looked at Edward through the corners of his eyes, locking his eyes with golden ones.
"If you'll do the same for me."
Ed rolled his eyes, "Yeah – insult me. That's right." He drawled, "Getting over me is easy, all you have to do is step over me because I'm so short." Shaking his head he sighed, "There's really nothing to get over when it comes to me." He told him.
"I dunno how to help you." He admitted, "I've never had to get over someone, so I can't tell you how to." Turning his head, he looked at Mustang, feeling the need to reach out, to hold him and to kiss him. But he couldn't.
"Maybe… we should start listing the reasons why not to." He said, turning away again. "You're my boss. We're in the military, it's against the rules. You're almost twice my age. We're both guys." Again, he said that as if it was the worst sin in existence. "I'm still just… I'm still just a kid, chances are this is just hormones. You're a renowned skirt chaser," meaning he wasn't sure if Roy would stay faithful to a young guy. "Being together would be wrong." He added, "We can't stop insulting each other, and if it wasn't for…this, whatever this is, I'd probably hate you. There's no way you'd want me in return, and I'm still travelling and long distance is always supposed to be hard."
Once he'd finished with his list, he fell silent, not looking at Roy. There. He'd said it. He honestly believed that to be gay was wrong, and that nobody could love him. He'd screwed up everything in his life, his brother had lost his body because of him, what was to say he wouldn't screw up something else. Something like a relationship.
Mustang frowned. "I'm not insulting you. I was actually serious. And, for one thing, if you're going to make a list like that, I would leave the fighting out of it." He smirked. "To be entirely honest, I only tease you to be able to see those adorable reactions of yours."
Roy's thoughts were starting to turn on him. On instinct, his mouth wanted to start an argument. He now saw this as a challenge: Would he be able to find reasons enough that they might want to be together rather than not?
His conscience was screaming at him about things like common sense and why he would do well to just drop it then and there, but Roy was already starting to feel the familiar excitement building up in his chest, just as it always did when he argued with the blonde. Roy tried holding back as much as he could, to refrain from stretching this problem further, but all he could do was not enough to keep him from at least pointing out all the flaws in Ed's list.
"I've never had a problem being with men either, and the military pays no attention to our lives outside of the office. You say that in different circumstance you would hate me, but you don't, and you're not going find yourself going back in time and finding a way to turn yourself away from what's already happened. So you have to realize that's not a very strong argument. And like I said… I was serious. We may be screwed, because I just might want you back."
There was more he could say, but somewhere in the back of his mind, Mustang realized how much he really wasn't helping. A part of him hoped, for Ed's sake, that the way he defied Ed would help to push him away. A much bigger –and less dormant- part of him wanted to screw the rules and keep the boy to himself.
Ed turned to glare at Roy. "That's not really helping, Mustang." He growled out. "Look, you're the first person I felt this way for, and it's just not going to happen, okay?" The tone of his voice and his facial expressions gave away how much he wanted his words to ring false. He really wanted to be in Roy's arms, to feel him, to share caresses. But was it really only the physical side of things Ed wanted?
As he thought, an image popped up in his head, Roy making breakfast. For the both of them. A normal, morning domestic scene, with a few alterations. The image was so strong, so real, that Ed was sure he could smell the bacon that was sizzling in the pan in Roy's hands. The older male turned to smile at Ed, and it wasn't his usual smile, rather, it was a happy smile. A genuine smile.
No. Ed didn't want just the physical side of the coin. He wanted Roy to smile at him like that.
He wanted to spend a lot of time with him.
But those thoughts just made him feel even more vulnerable than ever. He could easily fall in love with the other, all it would take was that smile.
Sadness filled his face as he spoke the next words, "I can't let it happen." Because even as much as he wanted it to happen, his reasons were all valid, at least, in his mind they were.
Roy shifted his body around and lay back on his bed. The reaction he got from Ed was what he expected, and to some extent what he wanted, but he couldn't help being unhappy about it. He tried to remind himself that he was against this too, but there were too many things that he was just now realizing about himself. He could finally put reasons behind so many of his inexplicable actions in the past. Things like the way he always looked forward to reports from FullMetal and always became restless while the boy was away were actually making sense. He would continue to feel those things even if he didn't get together with the blonde and, now that they stuck out to him, they would always be there to torture him. Being without Edward would always be just as distracting as being with him.
"Fine. Then it won't." The colonel tried to make his tone sound nonchalant like he was so expertly accustomed to, but this time it only just barely managed to cover up the bitterness he felt. The emptiness he felt. The slightest slip-up and he would have revealed just how wrong and fucked up he must have been.
Ed let out a breath. It sounded like a half sob and he felt his shoulders slump. "Yeah…" He agreed quietly, swallowing and taking a shaky breath before standing. He didn't walk away, just… stood there. "Yeah." He repeated, finally making a move to walk to the door. "I- I should … I should go."
Why was he feeling like this? Like his soul had been ripped away… like he was heartbroken. It felt like he'd been rejected, and it was only then that he realized that he'd wanted Roy to fight for him, to claim him as his own. But… He'd tried… Right? So what was wrong with Ed? Why did he feel like this?
"Get better soon." He said quietly before finally leaving the room.
Once out of the room, he stood in the corridor, not sure what he wanted to do now.
It was ten minutes later when he came back into Roy's room, once again huffing about something. "You bastard." He growled, walking directly up to the bed and standing as close as possible to Roy. "Get out of my head." He ordered before leaning forward and awkwardly kissing Roy.
He couldn't do it, he couldn't just walk away, not without knowing how it would be. He knew that it was wrong, sinful to be with another guy, and he knew that Roy was probably just playing with him, and even if he wasn't, he'd move on quickly enough. But Ed wanted to try. He wanted to know what it felt like to be cared for, even if it was a lie.
The lips that had pressed against Roy's were still, since Ed had no idea what he was supposed to do. He just stood there confused and awkward, waiting for Roy's reaction.
--- End Part 4 ---