Updates will not normally be twice in two days, but I needed to get the story going if you catch my drift

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Rated M for a reason.

Chapter 2- Dreams, Reluctance & Home

I was smiling, beaming, another long day at work as I made my way up to the familiar cottage. It was stark white, brightness, against the dark foliage around it, encompassing it.

The pitter patter of my feet couldn't move fast enough as I made my way up the stone walk way. As I reached the door I was relieved, but I was nervous, anxious. I always felt this way coming home to him, no matter how many times. I fumbled with the keys, and barged my way inside. I was beaming. Over brewing with happiness.

"I'm home! Where are you?" I made my way into the family room, turning on the lights as I passed. Heart bursting, waiting to see him, be in his arms, comforted.

The scene in front of me stopped me short, I lost my balance.

There he was, on the couch, like I expected.

He was gorgeous, and stunning, his boyish face turned up into the most mocking smile, displaying the whitest, straightest teeth imaginable. His bronze unruly hair falling over his eyes, hints of brown caught by the light. And those green eyes, like evergreen, like the thick forest around our small, quaint house. As if the sight of him alone wasn't enough to completely render me speechless…

To his left was her. Her blonde hair falling around her foolishly angelic face, those blue eyes looking at me, piercing me, snarling at me. Like I had intruded upon her, like I had somehow ruined her life. And then, a baby, sitting on their laps, sitting between them as they held hands. A family.

The baby had his hair, a gold shock falling across it's forehead, and the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. Sparkling, mischievously taunting me.

"Welcome home, honey" He snarled, his bronze hair bobbing as he laughed, as I fell to the ground … broken … lost, and just broken.

-

"Bella, oh my god Bella, honey, are you all right … please wake up." A sob ripped, just as I noticed Alice's familiar voice.

I was overcome as I opened up my eyes, met with the stark, blinding lights of a medical room. I was in a hospital bed, hooked up to a monitor, my chest racing in the aftermath of a nightmare.

Alice was to my left, holding onto my arm with dear life, pleading, tears warping her otherwise beautiful face.

"Oh … Alice. I'm so sorry." The tears flew freely now. "I wasn't thinking and I had a terrible night, and I never meant for you to find me … just please, please, say you forgive me … this has happened so many times lately, never again, I swear" I pleaded, excited, my heart rate picked up, and a broken sob fell from my lips.

"Of course I forgive you Bella, I just .. I blame myself" she admitted whispering, "I knew I shouldn't have left you, and look what happened! Bella you overdosed on cocaine! You told me you stopped! Every day I worry that I'm going to find you crumpled, and broken, and one day you're not going to be breathing, and how will I manage then?" She pleaded, shaking my arm in her hand. Her face matching mine, two friends, crying, broken, lost together.

"Just please, let me take you home to Carlisle and Esme for Thanksgiving, you need a break, you need to get away from this. You can't go straight to the studio off your tour Bella, you're not healthy! You haven't been healthyfor the last few years."

"Carlisle and Esme … you talked to them, do they know, about me? About what happened last nightt."

"Yes Bella!" She exclaimed, her arms flying up, clearly exasperated "When a major pop star collapses it TENDS to be on the news. They called me, frantic, worried about you, and Esme suggested we take a break. Come home with me, please Bella."

I was confused, and guilty. I loved Alice's mother and father, Carlisle and Esme, like my own parents. Esme meant everything to me, and I'd do anything for her and Carlisle's respect. I felt ashamed for keeping Alice away from them, and I despised Forks, but I knew deep, deep, down somewhere that I was sick, unable to work currently, out of commission for awhile. And I felt myself relenting.

"Fine Alice, but I'm not happy about going home. And I'm going to have to deal with Charlie now, ugh."

"What … wha .. I'm shocked? You gave in this easy? Who are you and what did you do with Bella or Swan … or whatever I should refer to you as these days."

"Ha … ha … real funny Al." I looked down, toying with the IV going up my arm, uncomfortable with the sight of needles, my own blood.

"What are they going to do with me though. No rehab, no .. fines, penalties? I'm alright, I feel fine now. How long have I been here?"

"Just since last night, I found you, and I called an ambulance. Luckily, the paparazzi weren't near, weren't expecting anything, so Jenks released a statement saying you were dehydrated, and over worked and collapsed. So Jenks talked to the hospital, basically saying you had never done any drugs before … honestly, I think he might have paid off the nurses, or the hospital, or something. This is really serious Bella. I knew you don't take your drug use seriously, but I'm confiscating it. I feel like you should be taking me more seriously" She declared her nose in the air, already looking adamant.

"You're really lucky you have Jenks and got off this time … pretty sure everyone back at home wouldn't want to see your mug shot, or your freaking obituary!"

Jenks was my producer, my all around God, he got me out of everything. I owed him big time, and was dreading seeing him back in the states where there would be … yelling … and I'd need to explain myself. The drugs were, not something I'd usually do, but lately, I was in a downwards spiral. I acknowledged the fact that this was a breaking point, and I needed to stop.

I laid back, looking at Alice sitting next to me, more relaxed then before.

I cleared my throat, "Al…" I whispered, nearly not getting the words out. But I needed to know, this was vital.

"He, your brother, you know … won't be there in Forks? Right? If we were to go back…"

"No, no, honey, you think I would bring you back otherwise? Carlisle and Esme were adamant that he was in New York, but they knew better than to tell me any details. They knew that if I knew his location, or anything about him, I'd seek him out, no matter the distance, and beat his ass. This is all his fault" She held up her tiny fist, emphasizing the point.

"Okay." I said, shut down, unwilling to discuss it any longer. "So when am I getting out? When are we leaving?"

"Oh, Bella … you just wait and see." Alice beamed at me, an elfish grin on her face.

---

"What the hell Alice! When you said we were going to leave soon I didn't think you meant, later today!"

After being discharged from the hospital, Alice shoved me back to the hotel. She had our staff pick up everything and anything, shoving our ten pounds of clothes into the bag. I re-situated the wig of blonde locks, and had my make-up redone.

There was no way in hell I was going back to Forks looking like ugly, brown haired, Bella. It had been years since I'd gone back. Once my tour, and career really took off, I vowed to go there as little as possible.

Nonetheless, I currently found myself boarding a plane, headed straight for Forks, Washington. First class seats, courtesy of Jenks made it somewhat better, despite the flashbulbs as I boarded the plane.

"SWAN. ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

"SWAN. TELL US ABOUT YOUR COLLAPSE"

"SWAN, STOP AND WAVE FOR US, HONEY."

I ignored their catcalls, headed forward, finding two plush, spacious seats in the corner, Alice settling in next to me.

It was going to be a long day before I got to Forks, not arriving until nearly tomorrow morning. I couldn't even comprehend that I was really going back.

It seemed to me like a regression. Like I was relenting by going back. But I couldn't deny Carlisle, Esme, or Charlie any longer.

As little as I wanted to see him, as nervous as I was that I would see the strike of bronze in Forks, my love for the people back home, and guilt over my absence, caused me to give in to Alice's pleas.

I would only hope that Alice was right, that Carlisle and Esme were right. That Thanksgiving would go by without another breakdown. Because god knows if I saw him, there would definitely be one.

--

I was shoved out of the plane, into Alice's sports car, and headed straight to Carlisle and Esme Cullen's house, by an ever pushy Alice.

It was like sensory overload, like my rush onstage. All the places, all the people I forgot about on tour, or at least ... attempted to forget .. were being pushed into my face, all at once.

As the car made it's way through the streets of Forks, green canopy of leaves draping and hitting the limo as we cruised along, Alice turned on the radio … it was my song.

The loud DJ'S voice filled and echoed through the car "Now by special request we are going to play Edward by Swan. Turn it up guys, number one jam of the year!"

The words filled the car … and Alice looked at me with worry, hand hesitating over the dial.

"It's okay," I whispered, squeezing her hand, as she removed it from hovering over the radio.

And I miss you, and love you, and hate you, don't need you.

I'm broken, pieces on the floor, green world, taunting me,

But I'm better now, and I've got me, at least

And I love, and I die a little inside, but that's better than feeling nothing

How does it feel to be so empty, Edward, Eddie, Love?

How does it feel to be so empty?

My own mocking, taunting words, reflected back at me, as we pulled up to the Cullen house. The house was as big, as spacious as I imagined. Settled into a nook in the woods. I refused to look over at the abandoned cottage just down the path, next door,

Alice quickly turning off the engine, the radio dying away. With one last, sympathetic, familiar look at me, Alice opened the door and we headed out.

Esme came running out side, her shoulder length brown hair flying in the breeze. Her eyes, searching my face looking for signs of hurt as she came barreling up to me. From the corner of my eye I see Carlisle, standing in the doorway. As handsome as ever, really stunning in his fifties, blonde hair, smiling face.

Esme suddenly squeezes me into the tightest of hugs, breathing in my hair, "Bella, honey. I've missed you so much." she says

"Same here Esme," I smile, wrapping my arms around her, generally comforted by her genuine care for me. "I'm sorry I've been away for so long … you know how things have been." I smile apologetically.

"Of course, honey. Nothing to apologize for. We read about you every night, EVERY article. Let's get you inside, you look positively freezing." After greeting Alice, warm hellos, mother and daughter, all three of us head inside.

Passing Carlisle on the way inside, we hug, and he takes my hand looking down at me. "We are so proud of you Bella, I have a picture of you and Alice from an award show on my wall at my office. The interns want to know if I can get a lock of your hair, for them to sell on Ebay," he chuckles, jokingly.

"Anything for you Carlisle" I beam, pretending to pull out my blonde hair.

Carlisle was a doctor, a surgeon. But he was the most light hearted one I've ever met, always joking and being the easy going father figure. After college when Alice and I moved to Forks from NYU, they moved right along as well. Settling in Forks in their mansion.

When I moved back to Forks, Carlisle always used to sit with me, joke, laugh, read the paper. Then it all stopped, and I missed him terribly.

Surprisingly, neither Carlisle or Esme seemed to address that I'd written a hit song, basically tearing their son apart. I hadn't talked to them much since, fearing their anger, hurt, feelings of betrayal.

"Well girls, you might as well make yourselves comfortable … need any help putting your stuff away? We have a whole dinner set up, we've honestly been planning this, ever since Alice gave us some hope you guys might be coming home," Esme explained, already getting into her culinary mode.

"Really Alice? How long have these plans been up in the air, I've only heard about them yesterday, before we hopped on the plane." I teased Alice, and her scheming.

"Just a few weeks Bella." She smiled, grabbing our luggage and heading up the stairs, before I could question her any longer.

"You can have your old room, where you used to stay Bella." Esme yelled up from downstairs.

I began to wheel my bag to the end of the hallway. Alice went inside her room, and I could already hear drawers opening and closing.

I stopped in front of an open door.

I will not look in his room, I will not look into his room.

I knew it was unhealthy, I knew it was bad. But I wanted to go in, I needed to go in.

I went in my room, placed the luggage on the bed, and came back outside.

Hesitating by his door. Unsure, but so so curious, to see what little scraps, what little pieces of himself he could have left inside when he visits his parents.

I opened the door, a loud creak emanating, and was immediately hit with the smell. It smelled like him, just like him.

I entered. It was the room of a boy, hardly a man. The bed was made, checkered blue sheets, light blue walls, wood desk flanking the wall.

There were no pictures, no clothes strewn about, nothing to show any signs that someone was here, that someone indeed had lived in this room.

Only one thing was left.

His radio.

I sat on the bed, situated myself right in the middle, and took the CD player with me, chord plugged into the wall, as if someone had just listened to it, left it there by accident.

It was the only thing of his, and I wanted to examine it.

I hit play.

But I'm better now, and I've got me, at least

And I love, and I die a little inside, but that's better than feeling nothing

How does it feel to be so empty?

I was shocked. I was bawling instantaneously.

It was me.

A home-made CD, the only track on it being, Edward, empty otherwise, but scratches on it, showing it's over use.

How did I come this far? How could love turn so quickly into hatred.

I am 26 years old. The love of my life, had cheated on me, used me, threw me away, got another woman pregnant, with his baby.

Yet I was here, five years later, a different person … almost, a persona, Swan, completely changed. I was sitting in his parents house, in the empty shell of his room, clutching onto his sister Alice as I traveled the world.

Yet …. I was still equally hurt, still equally in love, with a green-eyed monster. Edward Cullen. And no matter how far I got, in location, in appearance, in fame .. I couldn't hide, couldn't get away from him.

xoxo

Reviews make me want to write more angsty Bella.

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