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Max II: Yeah, thanks. They got me out of the cardboard box. It's nice to be out and about again. Well, not 'out and about' exactly. . . *glares at the ball and chain on her ankle*
Me: I let you out of the house yesterday.
Max II: Oh, and that worked out so well.
Me: It turned out well for a lot of people.
Max II: A lot of people except me.
Me: Yeah, you don't count.
Max II: I do too count!!!!
Me: What have I said about exclamation points?
Max II: They are worse than the devil's mother-in-law. Wait, how can the devil have a mother-in-law?
Me: Let's just say an angel brought a whole new meaning to "good girl gone bad". God was pissed.
Max II: Um. . . okay. . .
Me: And back to the fun we had outside. It was like a field trip for her.
Max II: A twisted, not fun, disastorous field trip.
Me: Yep. Remember how Max II was put on the news for being a rapist? And how her police sketch looked like Janet Jackson? Well, apparently Janet Jackson looks a lot like her, because a lot of people recognized her.
Max II: So many cries in horror, so many times did I hear, "TOMMY, GET AWAY FROM HER!". All while police sirens are wailing in the background. . .
Me: I let her go with me to the grocery store. It was amusing. The minute we walking in three women just stopped what they were doing immediately. It was like something out of Desperate House Wives. Then we start walking through the store, and all of a sudden you hear, "It's the Playground Pedophile!"
Max II: They gave me a name. Like the Zodiac Killer or Hannibal Lector. I felt kinda special.
Me: Oh yeah, you were special alright. People were grabbing their kids and yelling, "WHERE?" It was hilarious.
Max II: I ditched.
Me: Of course. I stayed to get my food (Little Debbie sale, mmmmm) and she went through the fire exit while people looked around for a crack head in hobo clothes. They were really looking for a teenage girl in jeans and a sweater. Snooze ya loose.
Max II: You know, there are really pedophiles out there. You shouldn't be joking about it.
Me: I know, and it's sad. But for now I'm just gonna watch WBOC (Delmarva's #1 Broadcasting Station, apparently) and laugh at the police looking for you. While eating a zebra cake. That I got on sale. Total win.
Max II: Well what am I supposed to do?
Me: Randal's into sexting. You can use my phone.
Max II: Can I go to the bathroom?
Me: Duh, I'm not gonna let you read dirty texts about God only know what and get off on it in front of me. Maybe you can use your picture of Iggy, it might help with the fantasy.
Max II: That's discusting! I'm so not gonna sext Randal, I don't even wanna look at Randal.
Me: That's the beauty of sexting, you don't have to look at them. You can picture anybody you want on the other end of the line, including Iggy.
Max II: I'm going to rephrase my request. Can I go puke?
Me: Kinky.
Max II: IT'S NOT KINKY!!!!! I WANT TO PUKE OUT OF DISCUST OF THE THOUGHT- you know what, forget it.
Me: Your discusted by the thought of Randal? Then why are you sexting him?
Max II: I'M NOT SEXTING HIM!!!!!
Me: Hey, cool it with the exclamation points.
Max II: I hate you.
Me: I love you, too. Now come sit down and watch yourself be a wanted felon.
Max II: Dani has a very slight accent. She says 'girl' like 'guhl' and world like 'wuld'. It's funny.
Me: And why are you telling them this?
Max II: I didn't know if you wanted them to know that, and I hate you. I figured if you didn't want them to know, then it would make you mad. It amuses me to see you mad.
Me: Okay. . . .
Max II: And she hides bobbypins behind her ear. Right behind it, on those little strands, where nobody notices them. She keeps, what? Four? It's like a friggin' magic trick. One time, this random person asked if anybody had a bobbypin, and Dani just whips one out from behind her ear like she's friggin' Houdini. The girl said, "Woah, can you do that with a quarter?" It was ridiculous.
Me: I still don't understand why you are saying these things, I have just as much dirt on you as you have on me.
Max II: No, you don't. You've only kept me captive for. . . maybe a month?
Me: Max II has dreams about Iggy in a speedo.
Max II: I do not!!
Me: You talk in your sleep. I know things.
Max II: She's had a crush on Randal since she was five, that only resently she got over.
Me: Lies.
Max II: I eavesdrop. I know things.
Me: When she was first created, she had a third nipple. They had to have it removed.
Max II: Dani isn't her real name!
Me: No, it isn't.
Max II: She really does have a sister named Brittany and a brother named Seamus (officially the coolest name ever, in my opinion), but Dani is actually the name of her best friend.
Me: Former best friend. She died a year ago. It's in her memory.
Max II: Now I feel like an ass.
Me: Yeah, that was half the point in me telling you that.
Max II: I have nothing else to say.
Me: Well then, we'll consider this chapter short and over. See ya.
Max II: Yeah, bye.
Me: Alright, get in the cardboard box.
Max II: Fine. But this time, I want snacks. And could you turn the radio on?
Me: By the way, the cardboard box is officially her bed.
Max II: It's become surprisingly homey, when I know I can get out.
Me: Yeah, okay. Just get in. It's the only way I know you won't escape when I'm asleep.
Max II: It's just pathetic that cardboard holds me better than iron and steel, or whatever dog cages are made out of.
Me: Yeah, it really is. Oh, and another little piece of news, I won't be here to publish the next chapter.
Max II: Oh, you guys are gonna love this. Personally, it's like Hell for me. But you'll like it.
Me: Randal is doing the next chapter. I'll probaly be on the phone with him when he's writing it, but he has full access to my account, and my laptop. I will be in New York visiting family. Randal is so much like my brother he's actually come with us a couple times on family trips, but he won't be able to make it. And our car is so packed, Max can't fit. I proposed tying her to a string and letting her fly with me holding the string through the window, but that was a no-go.
Max II: And I proposed tying my cardboard box to the top of the car with a bungy cord, but that was a no-go too. I guess looking like your harboring hobos on the top of your car would get too many odd looks.
Me: Yeah, and I said we should just pack her up in her cardboard box and ship her off on the UPS truck with Fred (the UPS man, he's the best). But there was just a flat out no to that one too.
Max II: So, I can't go. I have to stay home with Randal, of all people. If I get violated in any way, I blame you for his being murdered.
Me: I'm sure a lot of people would like to hear of a pedophile getting violated.
Max II: You know what we're gonna do? End this chapter.
Me: Bye. If you haven't noticed yet, I didn't use any exclamation points this chapter. I might be stopping this 'Exclamation Protestation', as Randal calls it. I mean, my caps button is tired, and I just am not getting the excitement thing I'm going for.
Max II: Finally.
Me: Yeah, so I said bye way back and I'm gonna say bye again, because it was kinda useless all the way up there. So, BYE. (See, I just don't get the happy, go-lucky thing I'm going for without exclamation points).
Max II: Bye! *climbs into box*