Moonlight & Serenades Part IX

Sequel to: Tea & a Tango for Two

Author: Brandywine00

Rating: NC-18, MATURE ADULT. Really.

Disclaimer: I don't own, nor do I make any cashy-money from this. Joss is Boss!

By special request for BigBadJayne…

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~Eire Moon, on the Rim~

She was stiff as a stone in his arms, staring out at the water and still shaking a little. The night wind picked up the chill coming off the spray, covering his own skin, but Jayne knew that wasn't all that caused her tremors. Inara's ribcage rose and fell shallowly against his chest as she tried to control her breathing.

Blinking back the uncomfortable burn in his eyes, he fixed them toward the same point he thought she studied. Like one of them things where if you looked up at the same moon as somebody you was missing, you could sorta connect or some such go se. Right now, he was willing to try anything to make her understand, make her see the truth of things.

"I ain't never claimed to be the best man in the gorram 'verse," he said simply. "May have a few manners an' such from my younger days, but they ain't seen much use, sad to say."

He paused, trying to make his tongue line up with his thoughts. Gorram words, never wanted to come out right for him when it came to what he felt inside. Always got twisted up somehow in his throat before they came out, made him feel small and stupid even when he knew what he was trying to tell. A lot of the time, he'd just let them stay there and fight amongst themselves, make less a fool of hisself than he would if he just kept his ruttin' mouth shut.

"We'd both be kiddin' ourselves, if we didn't know ya deserve so much better'n me. Done told ya, ain't much use for a man to fool hisself, trying to pretend somethin' is what it ain't. Lyin' to hisself that somethin' can be done when it just ain't possible."

The half-hitch in her breath made him sag against her in frustration. He let the softness of her damp curls brush against his face, half so he couldn't see the tears still slowly rolling down her smooth cheeks, half because he figured this would be the last chance he'd ever have to do so.

"Before you left… that time we had… I told ya then, didn't expect a fine lady like yerself to give up everything that she'd ever known, ever wanted."

He hated himself for the slight trembling in her body as he spoke, but plunged ahead, determined to say his piece and let the devil take the rest. She had to know where things stood.

"Told ya then, too, that I'd never fit in to yer world. All fancy manners and high-class and go se I'm sure I can't even 'magine. Never could see a man like me findin' a place for hisself in all that civilizedness."

Jayne let his hand stray down to her elegantly clasped hand, gently prying one loose and lacing his fingers with hers. She let him, though he half expected her to draw it back to her lap. Wrapping her small, smooth hand in his large, rough one, he dared one more soft kiss on her shoulder.

It was that barest, softest brush of his lips that broke her. Crumpling in on herself, she quietly wept, and he felt like the biggest hun dan in the 'verse right then for making her feel this way. Cussing himself again, he let second thoughts battle through him. He figured she'd have known this was coming, would be able to see where it all was going, but he never figured she'd react this bad to it. Maybehaps it were better to not say nothing, just let things go like they were. But he knew that weren't an option this time, weren't something he could just swallow back down and live with if he didn't get it said.

"'Nara… sweet woman…" he whispered low in her ear. Gorramit, why did he always seem to make her cry? "Don't have nothin' to offer a woman like you, 'sides myself… a few guns… no notion of the kinda life ya ought to have. Can't see that ever makin' ya happy. An' God knows, I want ya to be happy, 'Nara. More'n I wanna breathe."

Inara straightened a bit against him, sniffing back her tears. "I understand, Jayne," she said in a small, strained voice. "Shouldn't fool ourselves, right?"

"Right," he answered numbly, hating to see her broken but wary of the Companion's façade she seemed to be trying to slip back into. "Been tryin' to fool myself long enough as it is."

She finally turned to look at him, her big dark eyes confused. "What do you mean?" she whispered.

Suddenly even more discomfortable than before, he let the words roll out of him on their own accord.

"After that first time ya left… I told myself was for the best." Staring at their entwined fingers, he rubbed his thumb absently against the back of her dainty hand, unable to meet her gaze.

"Told myself it was just… well, didn't never tell myself it was just trim, never thought that for a minute. Knew that night was somethin' more, that you was somethin' real special. Somethin' I weren't like to find again, but tried to tell myself that didn't matter. Ought to just be glad for what I'd had with ya, put it in the back of my mind and think on it when times was bad. Y'know, a happy type mem'ry to get me through troubles, an' all."

He closed his eyes, not ready to face her reaction.

"Told myself all manner of things, how it was all 'just a moment in time'. Not to be pinin' over what I'd never hold onto, had no claim on in the first place. Just ought to be damn glad a sorry sumbitch like me was ever lucky 'nough to hold it for the time."

Taking a deep breath, he plunged ahead, the words he'd bottled up for months spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Then you was back. An' I expected you and Mal to iron things out. An' I told myself that I was all right with that, was just how things was s'posed to be an' I could live with that. An' ever time ya smiled at him, a lil' piece of me died inside, but it didn't matter cause he was what ya wanted. An' ever time he hurt yer feelin's, was all I could do to not put my fist through that smart-ass mouth, but I didn't cause I didn't have no right to, cause you wasn't mine."

She'd gone stock-still again, didn't say a word, he couldn't even feel her breathing against him.

"Figured over time, it'd ease off, get better. But it didn't work like that, an' maybe it's selfish of me but I can't say I was sorry a'tall when you an' him called it quits. An' every day you was there on Serenity, it was worse for me, 'Nara, cause I never did get past wantin' to be with ya again. Only this time wasn't just wantin' to lay down with you, though good God in heaven how I wanted that."

Fear tore at his chest because what he let her know, he had never spoke out loud even to himself. But he'd gone this far, at least one day he could die knowing she knew, for what it was worth. She'd be able to sit on her satiny pillows and drink rare tea in the ivory palaces on Sihnon and know somewhere out there on the raggedy edge of the Black was a Rim-bred mercenary with a 'Nara shaped hole where his heart used to be.

"All this time, 'Nara, I been foolin' myself, tellin' myself I'd be all right when ya left again. When the Black couldn't hold on to ya no more, an' I knew I couldn't hold ya here neither. Not if ya didn't wanna stay. Ain't never met a woman I couldn't walk away from. Not a one I'd ever pack up an follow to the Core if she wanted. Told ya that, didn't I?"

Jayne risked a look at her to see Inara nod her head solemnly, her big doe eyes filled with sadness.

"Never did find that woman, 'Nara," he said simply. "Not till you."

For all his years of tracking and reading other folks' intentions, he couldn't read what was going through her head as she stared at him. She didn't say a gorram word, just sat there not even blinking. Dropping his head, feeling the biggest fool of Londinium, he sighed wearily, resigned to getting up and getting dressed and getting back to his life, such as it was.

He'd laid it all out on the table, but it weren't enough. Didn't really think it would be, didja boy? He stole one last moment to look at her, all soft and shiny, then let go of her and prepared to stand up.

He was totally unprepared for the small, fiery bundle of woman that propelled herself into him, knocking his back flat against the rock as she straddled him. Tiny fists punched his shoulders and chest as she scowled down at him.

"You are a fool, Jayne Cobb!" A sharp punch to his shoulder punctuated the words. "I'd never have dreamed it of you, but here it is, proof to the positive!"

"What? Gorramit, 'Nara, figured you'd laugh, but didn't think you'd get mad at me," he yelped, grabbing her wrists to keep her from hitting him. "Man can't help how he feels!"

She stopped, sitting there angry as a mad cat, her tears now rolling freely down reddened cheeks as her chest heaved.

"If you honestly think for one second that I'd just let you get up and walk away after… after…"

He had half a second to start a wide-toothed smile before her mouth crashed down on his in the softest, fiercest attack he'd ever received.

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