Uno
Track List
Suffragette City- David Bowie
Please Please Please- The Smiths
Sons of Anarchy -The Replacements
They are marooned in the Favorites aisle like doomed pirates.
The New Releases are a sham, luring you in with the promise of blurred, brightly colored covers that could be anything but are once you get within reading distance, Save the Last Dance 2. The Classics have been ravaged (not a Hitchcock in sight), the two for a dollar section mainly consists of Meg Ryan, and the foreign films, you're Crouching Tiger, you're Kung-Fu Hustle are all taken.
The only thing left on the shelf is a battered copy of Kung Pow, which it turns out, someone, is just using to house their porn.
"Ed Wood."
"Own it."
"Kill Bill."
"Saw it on cable."
"Almost Famous."
Dave runs a hand through his hair. "If we're going for a record."
Brian pushes his glasses up on his nose and sighs. "Girl Interrupted?"
"Dude!" Zach groans.
"It was poignant."
"So is the movie they're gonna make about your epic decent into womanhood."
"Science of Sleep."
"Veto."
"Gladiator."
"Veto."
"Thank you for Smoking."
"Veto, Brian shudders, how many times can you see Rob Lowe in a kimono until your brain screams uncle?"
Zach scans the row. How 'bout Life of Brian?"
"Did you bring a scalpel? Dave raises his eyebrows. 'cause Always Look on the Bright Side of Life can only be removed surgically."
"This aisle's misleading." Brian looks around.
Dave shrugs. "They probably mean someone else's favorite movies. "Boogie Nights?"
"Dude! Zach smacks his hand against his forehead, trying to banish the image of a hairy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman dancing in his underwear. Veto!"
"We could get a Miasaki movie. Brain shrugs. Howl's Moving Castle or Princess Monenoke?"
"Not Princess Monenoke. Zach shudders, those giant boar things creep me out."
"Guys, we should get Willow!" Brian's beaming at them as though it's the first time in the history of cinema that this has been suggested. It's not so much a declaration as a barely contained ecstatic whisper with accompanying mini-squeal.
"Yeah, Dave gives him a soothing pat on the shoulder. Last time we got it 'cause you said you could handle it and you kept us up all night so we wouldn't get taken by Queen Bavmorda."
"That was a year ago. Brian snorts. I'm in a better place now."
"Still can't make it through the Dark Crystal." Zach murmurs.
"What was that?"
"I said "veto"…and you're a woman."
"The House of Yes." Dave says loudly.
"Is that the one where the chick makes out with her twin brother?"
"I think so."
"Veto."
"Lost in Translation."
"Veto."
"Reservoir Dogs."
"Got eighty percent of it memorized."
"Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle."
Zach hesitates mentally weighing the pros of Cameron Diaz up to standard hotness and Demi Moore in cougar mode, vs. the idiotic plotline and 70s hair that might make his brain bleed.
"Veto?"
"That took way too long, Dave grins. No Country for Old Men?"
"Veto. Brian sniffs. I think I'm allergic to the Coen brothers."
Zach stares at him like he's just suggested the special director's cut edition of Gili.
"Dude, how could you say something like that?"
The boy shrugs. "I just don't get 'em. Like Fargo, what was that movie even about?"
"Oh my God."
"Guys, Dave begins, in his best UN negotiator voice. I know this is hard but could we maybe try to focus just a little bi-."
"Is it because you look like Steve Buscemi?" Zach raises an eyebrow.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you look like Steve Buscemi."
Brian frowns. "That's kinda in the gray area compliment wise."
"It wasn't a compliment man."
"Wha-"
"They spend they're whole lives making awesome movies and it takes you two seconds to crap all over their legacy?"
"I just don't get why everybody's so into them." Brian shoves his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.
"I don't know dude, maybe 'cause they're fucking brilliant."
"Whatever you say man, his comrade shrugs. I think they need to go back to film school and retake that class on "subtlety."
"Oh those are air quotes? You're gonna air quote me?"
Dave rubs his eyes.
"Seriously?" Zach glances up at the ceiling as though addressing an all-knowing deity. How are we friends?"
"Oh weird, Brian snorts. Maybe 'cause I've been doing your homework since the fourth grade?"
"It was a rhetorical question Beave."
"You're deviating my septum."
"Hope it cuts off your air supply."
"Guys. Dave clasps his hands together. When he has two pairs of angry eyes cast upon him, his hands do a little Vanna White esque motion over the sleek cover of-
"Seven Samurai?" Zach reads out loud.
"Akira Kurosawa. Dave sighs reverently. Maybe the best samurai movie ever made."
"Veto."
"What?"
"Dude, I don't feel like reading."
"Shocking." Brian rolls his eyes.
"Sorry man can't hear you over the menopause."
"Stop calling me a woman!"
"Jurassic Park." Dave sighs.
"Veto."
"Coffee and Cigarettes."
"Veto."
"Dear God, Its Me Margaret the Movie."
"Yeah Dave, Zach nods, and while we're at it why don't we pick up a post Sixth Sense Shamalyn film?"
"Look! Brian points. It's the Matrix! His joyous expression falters. Oh, its Reloaded."
"I don't mean to sound melodramatic, Dave nods, But it feels like we might die here."
A\N: Up next: Star Wars, Natalie Portman, and more baseless indecision.