Hours later, Leia found herself lying awake once again. She had managed to get the children into bed after much protesting about how Daddy did the voices better in the bedtime story they had asked her to read. She had reminded them that Daddy still hadn't come home – a fact that was making her more and more furious as time went on.
She was finding it increasingly difficult to hide her rage from the Jaina, Jacen and Anakin, and she couldn't understand how Han could be so thoughtless as to walk out on them for that period of time without so much as a word about where he was going. As far as she knew, he was likely still on-planet, but that was about all she could tell.
In spite of her anger, she realized with a shiver that she also missed him terribly. She reached an arm over to his empty side of the bed, missing the warmth he had always provided and realizing she had taken his presence for granted lately and how comforting it was just to have him there next to her. Had she really become so oblivious to his existence?
They had fallen into such a rut lately of getting through their days by focusing on work and the kids that they had simply become partners in managing the family. Night after night they'd fall into an exhausted sleep, usually one long before the other, rarely even getting a chance to say goodnight.
Leia thought guiltily back to one particular evening a few weeks prior, when by some miracle, they had gotten the children to bed early, and neither one of them had to stay up late to complete any work. As Leia had gotten into bed, ready to make up for some lost sleep, she felt Han's arms snake around her waist and his mouth on the back of her neck.
It had felt nice, for sure, but all she could think about was the early meeting she had scheduled and how important it was that she get enough sleep, so she remained still.
"Come on, sweetheart," she'd felt his breath against her neck, and suddenly the idea of saying no seemed less appealing. "I know you're not asleep yet."
His tone had been light and playful, and she'd found herself feeling bad for denying him, even if what she needed most at the time was rest. It had been too long.
She'd rolled over to look into expectant, hazel eyes. There had been a time when just one look into those eyes would've caused her to melt and submit to anything he'd ask of her. When had the universe worn her down so badly? When had she forgotten what it was like to be a woman instead of just the New Republic official and mother to Jacen, Jaina and Anakin?
She hadn't had the heart to say no, especially since she had stifled his advances many times lately for similar reasons. Making love to Han had always been a wonderful experience, but somehow, without her even realizing it, pure exhaustion had overwhelmed any of her usual desires.
She'd wrapped her arms around his neck and told him flatly, "All right, but make it quick. I have an early meeting."
Before she'd said it out loud, it seemed like it would be a fair compromise. He'd get what he wanted, and she would still get at least some of the extra sleep she so desperately needed. But as soon as she'd heard the words in her own ears, she'd instantly regretted them. The hurt in his eyes was enough to make her feel guilty all over again just thinking about it. She hadn't thought through exactly what those words had implied.
Han's hands had released her immediately and he rolled away from her onto his side, releasing a deep breath.
She hadn't known what to say to fix things, but knew he needed to hear at least something. "I'm sorry, Han. I didn't mean that."
He took a few more deep breaths before answering. "You wouldn't have said it if you didn't."
"Please, Han. I'm sorry."
There was silence for a moment, and he finally answered simply. "No."
She'd decided to try a different approach, and gently walked her fingers on the exposed skin along his rib cage. "Come on, you can take as much time as you need."
Han had rolled over onto his back then, propping himself up on his elbows, and the look in his eyes had turned from hurt to anger. "Damn it, Leia, you don't get it, do you? I don't want you to make love to me because you feel like you have to. Do you know how it makes me feel when you want to just get it over with?"
"I'm sorry, Han. I do want to, it's just that – "
"Right. You're tired. You'd rather sleep. I get it. Just forget I asked. I'm not going to beg you. Why don't you let me know the next time you're not too tired and maybe you actually want to make love to me, and not just to do me a favor. Forgive me for thinking that maybe it was something you might actually enjoy. Goodnight."
He'd rolled away from her then, and she could tell it was a long time before he fell asleep. She hadn't known what to say then, and she still couldn't figure out what would've made things right again. At the time, she'd been irritated that Han didn't understand her side of things, that it wasn't that she no longer desired him, it was simply that the timing was bad.
Then she'd thought about how it sounded that she preferred sleep to him, and how she'd brushed off his advances so often lately without giving it a second thought. It was no wonder he hadn't felt needed. She'd missed him as well, it was just that she'd been too wrapped up in everything else to realize it.
Every wife wants to be desired by their husband, and I've just been pushing him away, Leia thought. He doesn't deserve to be treated like that and I don't deserve to deny him or myself like that.
They hadn't talked about it. They never talked about much of anything anymore that didn't directly involve the kids. In the nights that had followed, by the time she came to bed Han was usually fast asleep, or at least made it look like he was. She'd still wake up on occasion with his arm draped over her, longing for some sort of closeness, and right now she missed feeling the weight of his arm and the warmth of his body pressed against hers more than ever.
When he did return, she decided they were going to have a long talk and make things right. But only after she let him know how irresponsible it was for him to walk out on them like that.
She was suddenly startled when the door to their bedroom opened, and for a moment she thought that maybe Han had finally come back. Ready to let out the angered speech she'd been preparing in her head, she remained silent when she noticed a much smaller body in the doorway.
"Mommy?" Her youngest son's voice was barely a whisper, and she sensed fear in him.
Leia propped herself up on her elbows. "What is it, sweetie. Did you have a bad dream?"
The young boy nodded slowly, still standing in the door.
Leia folded the blankets down on Han's empty side of the bed, opening up a spot for him. "You want to come sleep here with me?"
Without a word, Anakin walked up to the bed and snuggled up against his mother while she held him close and stroked his hair.
After placing a gentle kiss on the crown of his head, she asked, "What was the dream about?"
Anakin remained silent for a few moments, then answered quietly. "It was so dark and cold."
Leia waited for him to continue, but that was all he said. "It's all right, now. You're safe here with me."
"But Daddy's not."
The words struck Leia hard in the chest. She wanted to reassure him that Han had chosen to leave and that he was fine, but she wasn't so sure anymore. Anakin had an eerie ability to sense those things - even at such a young age - and didn't often just make things up.
"You don't think Daddy is safe wherever he is?"
After a moment, he spoke softly again. "He can't see. It's so dark."
Her son's fears seeped into her own senses and washed over her. Unfortunately, there wasn't much she could do aside from offering empty words of reassurance.
"It's ok, Anakin. I'm sure Daddy's ok."
And if he is ok, I'm going to kill him when he comes back. "You're safe here with me. You just go to sleep."
She heard his breathing slow and his eyes closed against her chest. Lying down next to him, she tried to send him soothing thoughts, all the while hoping that his fears were unfounded, before she fell asleep along side him.