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Disclaimer: Tite Kubo-sama is the rightful owner of Bleach and all its characters. No need for further explanations as to 'Why God, why not me?'
Enjoy~
Forgot to forget you.
By: Farah.
III. Greed
Recap:
"- so grow a pair and look me in the eye and promise a deal you can keep" she demanded, lifting her head to level his.
The solemn look on his face was a telltale of his thoughts; the story of his life: 'I shouldn't have fallen for you…'
Was it the pain she caused him, or the pain he caused her, he wasn't sure, but he would give anything to take it back; to never think of her rare genuine smile to wipe his loss (and risk never really smiling again), to never hold her close whenever he needed reassurance of why the hell is he still here (and regret losing his goal in life), and to never have to think twice before giving up his life for something else than her.
And every time he tries to redeem his biggest mistake, it turns back to bite him in the head- the full knowledge of his biggest mistake being his biggest source of reason and life. 'I can't find it in my heart to wish to forget' he remembered just how precious she were; too precious to let go.
Shinji nuzzled his nose into the column of her neck, his hair tickling her nerves lightly. 'What can I promise you that wouldn't end up hurting you more?'
"Are you trying to avoid this?" She asked annoyed, though she still caressed his smooth hair soothingly, his smell invading her with relief. 'I don't know who needs the other more…'
His tightening arms around her abdomen interrupted her mind; and the trembling that followed after scared her; she felt like a kid afraid to see the source of her strength shaken.
"Shinji!" his name flowed out from her lips so naturally, the longing edge in it cutting through his core.
"I love you…" he tried- voice hoarse, to avoid the promise she asked out of him, but her indifferent demeanor caused him to re-think his confession.
"…I know" her voice wasn't surprised, as if she heard him say that every day, but then again even if he didn't exactly say it every day; it would show - unorthodox as they were, his ways to show it were pretty obvious to the entire warehouse residents and a few outsiders.
"What do ya want me t' say?" he asked, not knowing what to promise, and hoping she would let go of the subject.
"At least tell the truth… why d'ya love me? Tell me one good reason and I'll drop this." she said in the same tone, like a mother talking a secret out of her son.
"I… I don't know" he wasn't lying, that much she knew, but she didn't want any more deception and confusion; if he loved her, he needed to know why, and tell her so that she could undo the spell.
"That's not a reason"
"Well then how about because ye're rubber and I'm glue?"
"Still not a reason at all"
"Because ye're the psychopathic midget I can't imagine a day living without getting hit by?"
"Could do, but still not good enough"
"Because… love has no reason, if I had the chance I wouldn't have fallen fer a pigtailed fanged little brat, but do I seem ta have that choice?" her stroking on his hair faltered as he shoved his nose deeper into her neck.
"…and if I have a choice, I would have never allowed you to" her hands fell to her side, the only one holding on was Shinji while his arms cradled her.
He didn't want to say it, God forbid he would cut his own tongue if he wanted to hurt her, but he didn't have a choice here either, she's a tough little thing and if she couldn't stand some crap in this life then she wouldn't be the Hiyori he knew.
"But we don't have choices" he said it to himself and she heard it because she lived down there as well.
"Then why don't ya try to leave? It'll make it easier fer me to forget" she sobbed out, but no tears came. He suddenly perked as he shoved her to an arm's length away from his nest, but the honey of his eyes never held more melancholy in his all hundred-and-something second life.
"I want to, but you have to keep away from me for at least three months for me to be able to. Do you think you can do that?" his fingers dug into her shoulders as he looked her straight in the eye; begging her soul to see through his blunt lie. He never wanted anything more than to keep her at least within eyeshot .second. But he guessed if she wanted it-and he sometimes thought he did- then why not try?
"… Do ya think I can?" her disoriented eyes half-lidded with anticipation; his answer would make her mind. She always depended on him, even if she wouldn't say it, but he always had that kind of effect on her, and the power he had over her scared her sometimes; it blew whiffs of past smells and an image of his majestically long locks cascading down the expanse of his proud shoulders, ahead of her, barely acknowledging her with a fixed look. 'I will never get over you, regardless of what you think, or what we both want'
His fingers let go of her shoulders, leaving white spots where his fingertips dug into her delicate skin.
"No, I know ya can't. But if I had to, then I will, and so will you" his voice dripped with power; being a captain once upon a time gave one such ability.
"It's only fair, Hiyori, if I could move on, so can you." His palms trailed down her arms, reaching her palms and setting his beside hers; his skin barely grazing hers.
"What if I didn't? Would it be too late to make things fair again?" she asked with composure, her eyes fixated right into his; reading his soul out like an open book.
"…When you see me moving on, you will." he told her softly, not believing his own tongue, hoping she would and wouldn't buy it at the same time.
She seized him up with a doubtful look, until he averted his eyes to just under hers.
"…You're lying." she told him. He hoped it would never come to this; but he had to end it here- to save them both the unbearable ache that comes along with the package of this messed up love.
"I wish I was, Hiyori." he whispered out, standing and leaving her on his bed, alone and fragile.
She knew where he was going- she always knew, it was some kind of an escape for him, but this time instead of sneaking out there like he always did, he plainly announced his destination, giving her a taste of what it will feel like from now on.
"Mayuri-chan must be waiting for me." he said entering the bathroom.
And Hiyori decided on that moment to let him go. 'Or at least act so…'
Hiyori let out a groan, probably to hide the small whimper that escaped her lips with her heartache.
"Whatever, just don't go breaking another heart anytime soon; there's karma in this fuckedup human world"
He smiled scornfully at the irony of her words. 'I've already broken two in one minute'
"Then I guess karma won't leave me alone from now on." his muffled voice reached her from the bathroom.
She didn't trust her voice to acknowledge his remark; her sobs seeming to have an iron hold on her chest.
He got out of the bathroom smelling like the expensive cologne Kensei got him for his birthday, dressed up, fixed his hair and shoved the remnant pieces of his heart locked into a dark place in the depths of his core.
Looking back at her broke another piece into two, but he couldn't help it; like his own mind, heart, body and senses were of their own accord; no strings attached to the stupid sense of brain he had to want this.
"Hiyori…" he whispered, barely controlling his legs as they screamed to go to her.
Hiyori evened her breath and pretended that her attempts to be asleep worked on him, and that he didn't come up to her because he thought she was asleep, and that he didn't know she was crying her heart out; maybe it would hurt less if her heart melted with tears and escaped her body for him as well. 'So this is how I'm going to keep lying to myself.'
Turning to leave, Shinji denied his whole being and opened the door, pretended to be imagining the broken gasp that voiced from behind.
'You can't believe it, Hiyori? Neither can I, but I can't be selfish and hurt you just because I love you.'
"I will never love you less, just you know that, not one bit shred of my heart would love you any less" she confessed, her cries ripping at his sanity, and her own. He needed to know she will never be able to let go before he took the first step to living in denial.
"…Even if I ripped it out and stomped on it?" he asked coldly, praying she would hate him in any way.
"You can't do that to a smashed heart. Even if you lied to yourself, you can't fool me, Shinji, not until you are really over me" she told him with confidence, swallowing her tears as she wiped at her eyes with her elbow.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked too quickly, not missing a beat.
"W-what?" this was far from what she expected, yet the same thought took residence in her mind since he woke up.
Striding to her with long legs, Shinji was at her side not a second later.
"I need to kiss you, will you let me?" his voice was right behind her ear.
'Is this some kind of a test?' she wondered, his breath down the back of her neck fogging up her thoughts.
"N-no…" she forced her lips to choke out, wetting them when they suddenly felt too dry.
"…Please?" he breathed in a whiff of her skin, and unable to control his actions; he brushed her hair to the side as he grazed the exposed skin of her neck with his lips tenderly. Hiyori let out a soft gasp as the hairs on her whole body stood at their ends.
"B-baka… what.. are ya doin'?" she breathed out, her eyes closing in the pleasure of having him so close.
He only pressed harder, his teeth smoothly scratching down the crook of her neck.
"Mmnmm- n-no!... baldy! Get the… hell off…mmm-me…" she moaned out shakily, unable to control her voice, as a pair of strong arms she knew too well pulled her back closer to his chest, allowing her to feel the raging beat of his heart knocking through her backside.
Shinji trailed his lips to her earlobe, sucking softly before blowing his hot breath into her ear.
"Why don't you shove me, then?" his voice was husky, sending shivers down her spine.
"Y-you bastard, d-don't do this…" she had to strain every fiber of her being not to death-grip his throat and shove her tongue down to blow air into his gasping lungs- such weird satisfactions she found herself wanting to please.
But instead, he was the one shoving her head backwards with a sharp shove of his nose to her chin, resting the back of her head on his shoulder as he lifted his head to look her down.
Her eyes widened a little, just what the hell did this bastard think he was doing?
He eyed her like a hunter would seize up his prey after hours searching in a hot summer sun. The edge of his aristocratic nose pointed in the angle he was above her, and the strong line of his jaw more angular as the rays of light shadowed the small junction beneath his earlobes. But what ticked her off the most was the piercing look he was giving her.
"I need to be sure of what I'm missing out on" he voiced with authority; as if he owned her –and he did, but she wasn't going to voice it aloud.
"It's a lot, and not one bit your-" her biting comeback was cut short by his lips shoving themselves roughly and urgently on hers, moving as if he was eating her. Hiyori locked her lips shut as her eyes fought to close, but not before she caught a glimpse at his eyes; they were clouded and unfocused- like he was looking for something within his own soul. Pushing her back down to the bed, Shinji hovered over her with his lips still locked up with hers, trying to work them open with his pleading mouth. Her feeble endeavors to not kiss him back died at his groan, sighing on his lips as she put a hand to his neck; pulling him down deeper into the kiss.
Shinji groaned again, moving his hands from her head down to her waist, impelling her to the crown of his bed, as he balanced his weight on his elbows above her form.
'What am I doing? What is she doing?' what's left of his brain wavered in stupor, but that too melted away at the soft purr that vibrated through her throat.
His self control at its peaks, Shinji moved his hands up her shirt, his fingers ghosting over her skin before settling at her supple hips.
Feeling his warm palms at her bare skin, Hiyori's defenses were slowly falling apart before his demand. She caught his hands and lifted them off of her. Forcing his lips off of hers with a wet sound, she held his head still as it tried to draw closer like a magnet.
"It was your call; you have to follow your conditions. Don't get within ten meters from me, unless you decided on changing your mind once and for all." She tried to push him off, only to be pushed off instead. Shinji's ragged breaths quivered visibly through him for a moment as he stood beside the bed, while she tried to catch her breaths as well as trying to evaporate her desires.
"You're right." He said, the cold semi-glare he sent her was enough to stir a volcano inside her heart. "I should be going. I might be late, tell Mashiro to save my share; I'd be hungry after… " he paused a little, buttoning his sleeves, "…so many activities." He didn't even as much as spared her a glance before the door was shut rather harshly from behind her.
Hiyori sighed, already shivering at the cold that was suddenly biting at her skin; scolding her like an angry lover. 'I told you so's and 'should have's were overused for her, and she did prefer the chill over his warmth… or what warmth a misplaced soul could provide, anyway.
She could see it, like an ill-advised movie on constant replay- he would engulf himself in the ministrations of vainly ragged breaths and ridiculously stupid maidens, emptying his desires in yet another bottle his rejection created- a hollow, hazardously close to his prisoner. While she would rejoice in her own dance of memories –howLudicrous- and drown in every breath he drew alive.
'And what will I do with my mornings?'
'And what will I do with my nights?'
つづく
A/N: Longer chapter, hope you liked it ;p
I had to stay up until 5am to upload this, so could you find it in your heart to tell me what you think? *.* I'll be glad to learn from your ideas ;)
Next time might take a teeny tiny bit longer than usual, please be patient ^^;
Until then- Ja~ ;*