Cottonwood House III

The Hand You're Dealt

Disclaimer: No, CSI: still isn't mine, and nor are any of the TV shows, books or films mentioned in this chapter. *sigh* However, there are also references to events in the two previous Cottonwood House stories, and those really are mine. :D

A/N I hope that this chapter doesn't feel too rushed and unpolished but I've made you all wait for it long enough because I lost a lot of writing time last week due to illness and RL is such that if I don't post today it will probably be Tuesday before I have the chance again. While I'm writing an author's note I'd also like to take the opportunity to point out that I have no medical training or experience. Although I've done my best to research these stories properly I make no claims to the accuracy of anything I write. I don't have a Beta reader and all mistakes, medical or otherwise are entirely my own.

Chapter 6

Sara

"I believe it's my turn to ask you something now."

Greg's reminder startles me out of my thoughts and suddenly I remember something else, something a little more urgent.

"Turn the car around."

"Hey, there's no need to panic, you don't even know what I'm going to ask yet." Greg laughs and carries on driving.

"It's not that, it's just that, between me getting over emotional and the old routine of having breakfast together, we both forgot one big thing."

"We did?"

"Uh-huh," I reply, starting to grin at the level of absent mindedness that can be achieved when two geeks get together. "I don't work nights any more. You may be finished for the day, but I haven't even begun work yet and I'm going to need my car to get there."

"O-kay," Greg replies slowly, clearly going through the options in his mind while looking for a suitable turning to get us back to the diner, "there's a park a couple of blocks from here and it's a nice morning, how about we have a breakfast picnic there? The food should still be warm enough to be edible without reheating. Then, once we're done, I can easily drop you back at your car before I head home. Will that do?"

"Suits me." I nod, now I've opened the floodgates and begun to hear about what happened to Gil while I was away, I don't want to slam them shut again, but I can't afford to take today off work either.

Greg makes a turn and heads for the park. After a few moments of silence I ask him what his question was, even though I'll probably regret it.

"Doesn't matter."

Huh, like I believe that. The turbulence of my emotions caused by talking about Grissom's situation is quelled by the new annoyance at being 'protected'.

"Come on Greg, clearly it mattered two minutes ago, nothing's changed since."

"Yes it has. I was taking you home because you got upset in the diner and if talking about Grissom's going to do that you need to be able to take time to relax and get your head together afterwards." He pauses briefly as he smoothly guides the car into a handy parking space. One thing about driving those big CSI vehicles for work is that manoeuvring a normal sized car becomes incredibly simple in comparison.

"How long have we got anyway?"

I smile, it's not as bad as Greg probably thinks, I knew that whatever Greg and I talked about we'd probably get carried away and that's why I held off until today to meet him.

"No need to panic too much, I'm training, remember. This morning I have a lecture at the university and it doesn't start until ten-thirty. We've plenty of time, just not enough to get to my place, clear enough space amongst the builder's debris to eat, have our food and then come back for my car in time for me to drive over there. Your place is nearer and probably tidier, but this is even better. It means we've a couple of hours if we want, so if we keep the tough stuff to the first hour and then maybe go back to our normal brand of nonsense I'll have time to get myself back together. Even if I'm not a hundred percent when I leave here, after the first hour of sitting in a darkened lecture theatre I will be."

"OK," Greg agrees as we step out of the car, "one hour, but if I think even that's too much, we change the subject."

"Let me be the judge of that, Greg, and don't give me any easy answers either, you don't need to protect me."

"Yes I do," Greg looks at me with his soulful brown eyes, "I've always cared about you, you know that. Besides," his mouth splits into a grin, "I don't want Grissom finding out I've been upsetting you, he might not be able to reduce me to a quivering wreck with just his words anymore, but have you any idea how much it hurts to have a hundred seventy-five pound man in an electric wheelchair deliberately run over your foot?"

I can't help laughing at that, even if it's a stark reminder of Gil's new situation. It seems that Greg's irreverent sense of humour hasn't changed.

We find a suitable picnic bench and begin to spread our food out. While we're doing so Greg finally puts his question.

"So, you and Grissom were engaged..?"

Damn, I let that slip out unprotected. I should have realised that Gil never told them, not surprising really, considering I left before he even got to buy me a ring.

I must look stricken, because Greg backs off immediately.

"Look, Sara, I'm not expecting you to give me all the details, the two of you kept things so dark that, even though I know the two of you have been an item for a while, it still feels weird hearing you refer to him as Gil. Of course I would be interested if you wanted to tell me the whole story but I'm guessing you don't. Maybe some other time though?" He casts me a comically hopeful look but clearly doesn't expect an answer. "The thing that interests me most right now is that you said you were Grissom's fiancée at the time when he was attacked. Now, maybe I've spent too much time with a bunch of detectives, but that tells me that you're not engaged now and since, as far as I know, the first time you spoke to Griss after it happened was when you came back a few weeks ago, the engagement must have been called off between then and now."

"Yes." I reply then and, after what I hope is a comic pause, I add, "You are spending way too much time with detectives." I know my expression doesn't quite match the levity of my reply though and Greg just stares at me, he knows an evasion tactic when he sees it. Reaching out Greg touches my hand just like he did in the diner.

"Come on Sara. Look, I really care about both you guys, I'm not going to take sides or even say if I think the decision was right or not, that's not for me to have an opinion on, but I'd kind of like to know if this was a mutual choice, something you both think is right, or if it's something that one of you is having trouble dealing with. My shoulders may not be as broad as Nick's but they're pretty good for crying on, I just need to know if one or both of you need my services and, with Grissom the way he is now, it's easiest if I can get that information from you."

I nod, Greg's argument is reasonable.

"It's hard to say. You could say that I called it off by simply disappearing for a couple of years within weeks of saying 'yes'. At some point Gil must have lost faith that I'd ever be back. It was him that actually put it into words though, well, using his voice synthesizer he did. I can't blame him, real couples support each other and not only wouldn't I let him support me, when he needed my support I wasn't there, I wasn't even contactable."

Greg's shaking his head. "Did Grissom actually say he felt let down? Sure he was upset when you left, he loved you. He got pretty crotchety with anyone who asked how you were doing, but he never seemed angry with you or the situation just, well, resigned. In fact I got quite mad at him because I saw him as the cause of your leaving and yet he didn't seem to be bothered about doing anything to get you back."

"He was just respecting my wishes Greg."

"I know, I understand that now, I just didn't at the time, I thought it was Grissom coming over all Mr. Spock again. Speaking of which, the Big Guy is nothing if not logical, if you weren't contactable then it wouldn't occur to him to blame you for not rushing back to be here after an attack you never heard about. OK, so that said, was he able to use his machine to say why he didn't want to continue being engaged to you? Do you remember?"

Yes, I remember, I think my first encounter with Gil's new voice will be stuck in my head forever.

"No, he said it was because he thought we might both have changed too much; that we needed to start from scratch again, but I don't know if that was just him being nice, making it about both of us, and just coming up with an excuse to make things easier. I mean, how much has he really changed?"

Greg looks thoughtful, as though he's trying to think of a way to explain something difficult.

"Sara, while you were travelling, did you ever describe Grissom to someone? I don't mean his physical appearance, I mean telling someone what he's like as a person."

I nod in reply; of course I did, although at first it was only if someone asked directly. When I began to do it because I wanted people to know about my wonderful man was one of the signs which told me I was ready to come home.

"So, when you did, did you tell the person you were talking to about the guy who loves to be hugged, who laughs and cries easily and has a giant lady bug cushion he sometimes cuddles while watching TV? Perhaps you told them how he always grabs the funnies first when he gets a newspaper and likes watching Scooby Doo marathons on the Cartoon Network? Or maybe you explained that sometimes he loses his temper quite spectacularly or that he often deals with his frustrations by throwing things?"

I shake my head sadly, not just because of the changes Greg's talking about, which make the man I knew sound a bit like an overgrown kid, but also because my friend is revealing how much more he knows about Gil as he is now than I do, the kind of things that used to be our little secrets, because we were the only ones who knew what we were like off duty, at home. It makes me want to fight back, try and reclaim some of my territory and I can see there's a flaw here.

"Hold on a minute Greg, you're confusing me. So far nearly everyone's telling me that Gil's intellect is unaffected, and now you're making him sound like he's ten years old again." As I say the words I get a sudden feeling of dread, I've already missed seeing a lot about Gil's condition because I didn't want to acknowledge the changes, could I have missed something as big as this, I ask myself? Everything he's communicated to me so far has indicated his usual maturity, but has it only come out that way because it's been filtered through Lucy, his speech computer or even my own choice of which questions to ask him? I let the half-eaten cream cheese bagel I'm holding fall to the table, my appetite suddenly gone.

Greg is at my side immediately.

"Sara, Sara? I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you like this. Listen, I wasn't inventing anything I just said, but I was picking out the biggest changes, the stuff that is most different from how he was before and somehow It may have come out like he's regressed or something, but that's only the tiniest part of it.

"OK, about that ladybug, well that seems to be an extension of the whole hugging thing, Griss just finds it comforting to have his arms round something, and it just happens to be a giant ladybug instead of a regular pillow or cushion. The only thing that's annoying is that he had to go and pick on something Hodges bought for him as a get well gift. As for the other stuff, well it's a relaxation thing, Grissom has to concentrate so hard on most stuff that the comics and cartoons are a nice change, but that doesn't mean that he never gets around to reading the news pages or that he doesn't spend plenty of time watching stuff on the various Discovery or NatGeo channels. Movies tend to be too complicated for him to keep up with easily though and that's why Scooby Doo works, because it really doesn't matter if he loses track halfway through, but he also likes watching some old Sherlock Holmes DVDs he's got where they've adapted it really well and stuck close to the original stories, which he knows pretty much by heart, making it a lot simpler for him to keep up.

"As for throwing things, well he did that before he got hurt, you must remember him buying us a new coffee pot for the break room after the old one took a hit that time Griss rowed with Ecklie. It's just that before it took a whole lot more to make him lose control like that. Lucy's helping him learn how to deal with his temper a bit better now though – he's stopped actually aiming at people for a start!"

Smiling after that last comment, Greg stands up from where he's been hunkered down trying to reassure me, but still keeps eye contact and a firm hold on my hand.

"I know I keep saying this, Sara, but these changes, they're nothing really, not compared with how it could have turned out. We were told that, for someone who'd suffered as much damage as Grissom, waking from a coma can be almost like being born again and that wasn't just about having physical stuff to relearn. Sara, we were warned that the guy waking up from the coma might be nothing like the Gil Grissom we knew before, that that person could have been gone forever.

"Yes, there have been changes, but we've been lucky, he's still recognisably Grissom and some of the changes I've noticed seem to be almost for the good. Sure he gets frustrated when he can't do stuff, but in other ways he seems more relaxed about life. In fact, thinking about it, in some ways he's actually more like he was when I first arrived at the lab. You won't remember but Griss was a whole different person before you came to Las Vegas – not that it was you that changed him – no I mean it was Holly dying and having all the extra responsibility thrown at him when Captain Brass went back to homicide. His sense of humour changed to something much darker almost overnight, when he allowed himself to show it at all, and it was dry as a bone too at times. Now it's gone back the other way, sometimes there's a glint in his eye that's almost mischievous and, as a silent comedian, there are times he could give Chaplin a run for his money." Greg smiles affectionately at this and internally I do too, because Greg doesn't realise that I actually do remember what Gil was like before Holly Gribbs' murder, and that was when I first became attracted to him.

"I know he and I get on better," Greg continues, "although I couldn't say if that counts as a personality change or if it's just that he's relieved not to be my boss anymore.

"Maybe that's it," Greg shrugs, "maybe being forced to stop working was good for him, even if the cause wasn't. You've seen for yourself that he's just not as uptight about stuff as he used to be. Would the old Grissom have been so quick to join us in the pool the other day, or have been so blatant about letting you girls win the game we played?"

I pretend to be offended at the idea that our team needed help to win but inside I have to acknowledge that, after years of me encouraging him to loosen up a little, Gil has done just that.

"Don't get me wrong, Sara; I'm also glad that sometimes when I turn up at his apartment it almost feels like the old days. I'll look in through the glass door and he'll be sitting there listening to music with his head stuck in a book like he's forgotten the rest of the world exists and it takes me back to when I used to go to his office with a report. OK, so the music's more likely to be Classic Rock than Classical these days, I think he misses the stereo effect more with the orchestral stuff; and his book will be on a stand to hold it open, but you don't get more typically Grissom than a moment like that.

"The things that I love about Gil Grissom are still there and I'm sure you'll find that plenty of the stuff you loved about him is still there too, if you're prepared look hard enough."

"Yeah, I'm sure they are." I remember the feeling of coming home I got when Gil took me in his arms again, having that happen more often has got to be good. Our date at the restaurant was good too, up until the point when the idiot boys' chorus started; having Gil's total attention while I talked and we both ate was wonderful, even if the old give and take of our conversations was sadly missing.

"I miss the sound of his voice," I find myself admitting.

"I'm sure you do," Greg is sympathetic, "Warrick and Archie both spent ages tweaking the software on Griss' computer to sound more like him but even with 'Rick's ear for sound and Archie's technical talents it was never going to be the same as hearing the real thing."

We both fall silent for a little while, contemplating the things we've been discussing. I take a sip of coffee. It's a good job that having been a CSI has taught me to like the stuff when it's lukewarm.

So far I've only told Greg one of the reasons why Gil thought we shouldn't be engaged anymore. There's no way I'm going to go into the stuff about not having kids and, besides, I think the one thing we've established is that Gil and I are on similar wavelengths when it comes to that issue. Something else that was said has confused me though, and Greg is as good a person to talk about it with as anyone.

"Gil says his apartment at Cottonwood House is his home now and that he doesn't see himself leaving; but surely as he continues to improve he'll reach a point where being away from there would be a good thing?"

"Only Griss has the real answer to that Sara, you need to discuss it with him."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

I didn't intend to ask that question out loud, but I must have done because Greg replies.

"You love him," he says simply and without doubt, "you'll find a way."

"Do you know how long it took for me to figure out that when he just stares at me and blinks he's actually saying 'yes' or 'no'?"

"Actually when he does that he isn't just answering a question, he's also saying something like, 'I'm too tired and emotional to make any more effort than this' or even, 'I have a terrible headache and I don't want to move my head too much right now.'"

I really am bad at this, most of that hadn't even occurred to me and yet, thinking back to when he has used the blinking code, it does make sense.

"Lucy will help you work some of this stuff out; you only have to ask her. Griss has to make such a huge effort anytime he wants to communicate and the least his friends can do is meet him halfway."

Actually Lucy did offer to help like that the first time I met her, but since then she's kept her distance whenever I've visited Gil and I haven't wanted to seek her out, it just feels wrong to need to ask another woman how I should talk to the man I love. Now I let my head drop a little, ashamed that I've been so caught up in my own shock and grief at what I discovered when I came back to Vegas that I've been unable to see things as clearly as Greg obviously does.

"Like I said," Greg goes on, "for Grissom's reasons you'll have to go to Grissom, all I can do is to try and give you the facts. Cottonwood House offers six and twelve month intensive therapy courses for those who have recently suffered a traumatic brain injury. Griss originally went there for the twelve month one because of the level of his injury and because it's generally in the first year that most progress gets made. By the end of that year Grissom was able to look at his options with a fair idea of the level of handicap he's going to be dealing with in future and for whatever reasons he thought were right, he decided he wanted to move into one of their long term supported living units, where he'd have easy access to continuing all his different therapies."

"But surely that's not just it? You read in the papers about people who make sudden improvements, even ones who've been comatose for years. Gil can't have written himself off already, surely?"

"Of course not, would he still be working so hard if he had? But there's a reason those stories of sudden great improvements make it into the news and why the headlines that go with them usually contain the words 'miracle' or 'against the odds'. The brain may be a weird and wonderful thing, Sara, and Grissom's doubly so, but he's made no great leaps in over a year now. I'm sure Griss will reassess the situation if things change, but he's not gambling on that happening and, even if this is Las Vegas, Sara, neither should you."

"But if Gil isn't likely to make progress, why is he doing so much therapy?"

"No-one said he can't make some progress, they just said it's unlikely there'll be any great leaps. There're two reasons for keeping up the therapy, firstly it's to make sure he doesn't lose what he's gained, you know 'use it or lose it'? The second is that, if his brain is going to reprogram itself, then the best way to encourage it is to keep trying to do stuff and keep repeating things over and over. Griss is constantly improving Sara, even if the rate's slowed down a lot it'll never stop as long as he's getting the right support and input. All the same, I think Grissom's probably being realistic in assuming that he won't reach a point when he doesn't need the support at all."

"But surely other people in similar circumstances manage outside of these units."

"Of course, but no two people's circumstances are identical are they? I'm sure Griss' decision was influenced by all sorts of things, including his lack of family. I'm sure he was fully aware of his prognosis and all his possible options at the time. If you want to persuade him that you have other options to offer then it's not me you should be talking to, is it?"

I open my mouth to try and continue my line of questioning but Greg interrupts me.

"Look, wouldn't it be better if you asked Lucy some of these questions? She'd be far better at answering them than me. She'll also help you find better ways to communicate with Grissom, and that's important Sara, if you want any kind of relationship with him at all you'll have to make that effort, you can't afford to just wait for him to make some sudden surge of improvement that may never come at all. Please, Sara, take some time to talk with Lucy."

I close my eyes in frustration. It's not just the situation though, some of it is disappointment with myself for once again being selfish enough to assume that Gil will get better just because I want him to or that just because I'm back he no longer has any reasons to stay where he is. There's something else bugging me too. I don't know if I'm projecting my other concerns and annoyances onto her, feeling guilty that she's doing a lot of the things that I feel I should have been here to do for Gil, or if it's just plain, old fashioned, jealousy, but I know I'm fed up of constantly hearing about Gil's caretaker. She's just so constantly present; even just talking about Gil to Greg seems to involve her more than I care to think about. I know she's been pretty essential at times, but wouldn't it be better if he tried to manage without her more often now? Or maybe neither of them wants that? Knowing that it's more my problem than hers and that Gil would be disappointed that I'm even having such thoughts I try and tread carefully.

"Gil really likes Lucy, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he does, and that's really good, can you imagine what it would be like for him to spend so much time with someone he didn't respect and get along with? You know, thinking about it, I figure Griss gets on best with women who challenge him, like you and Catherine and La..."

Greg pauses, but I just raise an eyebrow.

"...dy Heather and now Lucy. I think he might be kind of shy around women and having a challenge to cope with makes him forget that a bit, or something, I don't know. Anyway, Lucy seems to have got a real handle on just how far she can push him and then when to put on the brakes and let him take his time or even stop him when he's trying to push himself too hard."

Great, something that took me ages to learn and that I never got quite right and yet here's Lucy again, already an expert Grissom wrangler.

I need to stop thinking like this, perhaps Lucy just has better general instincts than I do, let's face it, I'm not the best people reader in the world. At least Greg's hesitation over mentioning Heather Kessler is amusing. It really is funny to me how people seem to see Gil as some kind of secret Lothario, when he couldn't even figure out how to seduce me in spite of all the hints I was dropping. As for the idea that Heather might have seduced him, well I know from personal experience that the normal techniques just go straight over the top of Gil's head. I once commented to him on how many women try and flirt with him and his response was "Do they?" The one time he actually remembered it happening was when a large lady pinched his backside and apparently she thought he was gay! It was that obliviousness that helped me realise I had no reason to worry about Heather, Gil hadn't mentioned his friendship with her to me for the same reason he hadn't told me the names of all his fellow cockroach racing enthusiasts, it just didn't occur to him that I'd have any reason for concern. That innocence proved his innocence, so to speak, Heather was just a friend of his and when Grissom's friends need help he's there for them because underneath he's a good, caring, person even if he hasn't always managed to express that the right way.

As I think about all this I realise that, if that reasoning works for Gil's friendship with Heather Kessler, then it almost certainly applies to Lucy too. OK, Gil would probably be more vulnerable than he used to be if a manipulative woman decided she wanted him right now but that doesn't mean I should make assumptions about Lucy's motives without doing what Greg suggests and talking to her. Just because I find it hard to believe that she could get that close to Gil without falling for him doesn't mean that it has to be true, it's just that I keep remembering the way she called him a "real sweetheart" and seeing the way she comforted him after I so stupidly rejected his request for a "'ug".

Greg checks his watch while he waits for me to speak again and that makes me glance at mine, so now we're both aware that it's approaching my self-imposed time limit when we'll drop these sensitive subjects. I should be thinking of something to ask Greg in the remaining time, something that he won't just tell me to refer to Lucy or Gil, but right now I'm still reviewing that first 'conversation' back in the grounds of Cottonwood House and thinking about the implications of Gil's suggestion that we might find we're better off just being friends.

Gil once told me that "...sex without love is pointless. It makes you sad." When I asked him more about what he'd said later he told me that there had been times in his life when he'd gone years without intercourse and it simply hadn't bothered him and that, although he enjoyed making love to me, if I wasn't there, it wouldn't be the sex he missed. I puzzled over that for a while until, by coincidence, Jim Brass handed me a book of scientists' biographies that he wanted to return to Gil. I found myself dipping into it in spare moments during the rest of that swing shift and it set me thinking. I began to realise that, in another time and place, Gil would probably have been perfectly happy to live the life of a scientist monk like Gregor Mendel and his pea plants or Marin Mersenne who brought together so many mathematicians through his correspondence; content to spend his days contemplating natural science or mathematics within the ordered, cloistered life of a monastery.

OK, so maybe it's a little weird to imagine him as 'Brother Gilbert', but it suited him so well that it became an affectionate nickname. All the same I can vouch for the fact that he hadn't risen entirely beyond the temptations of the flesh and when I just called him Gilbert without the 'Brother' bit it was a signal that I had something distinctly impure in mind. All the same, it did take us a long time to arrive at that level of intimacy even after we started spending nights in the same bed. It did work out for us in the end though and it also had the advantage of letting me know for certain that there's no way he'd sleep with another woman on a whim or even after a "whirlwind romance". I doubt Gil would have the stomach for an affair and, even if he did, I doubt the other woman would have the patience to invest so much in only a part share and Gil would be completely incapable of the kind of guile required to try and convince her that he would eventually be hers alone.

Coming back to the present situation, when it comes to being 'just good friends' then without a doubt there was a time when, if he thought it was the right thing, Gil Grissom was capable of doing just that, if someone like me hadn't kept prodding him all the time. Now the question is if he can still do that after all the changes Greg has told me about? On the other hand I was never that kind of person, which is why I kept at Gil until he finally gave in to my advances, so the question I really have to ask myself is, if this is what Gil really needs, have I grown into the kind of woman who could cope with that now? If I can't deal with what is almost certainly an unfounded jealousy of Lucy better than this then the answer might well be no. I take a deep breath and let it out in a sigh, this all seems to be getting more complicated over time when surely it should be the opposite way.

"So seen any good movies lately?

Greg is, very unsubtly, trying to change the subject, just as we agreed we would. For a minute I'm tempted to reply say I saw Robin Williams in Awakenings, but I do need to stick to what I said and get myself in the right frame of mind for my lecture on working with disadvantaged children, so instead I grin and start to talk about the movie I really did watch on TV last night. I won't be watching much tonight though, I've realised this morning just how much I need to do if I'm not going to end up doing Gil more harm than good in the future.