His Heartbreak for Hers
Chapter Three: His Hell

Ж

He had longed for her…

Six years of hell, six long years without her. That was all he could think as he stood at the spot that once held the well to her world, his eyes locked on the hole in the ground that had been covered so children would not fall in. Not a day went by that he didn't think of her, not a moment were the guilt subsided to allow numbness to take him instead. Somehow, he didn't want that—he'd take the heartache and remorse over letting his feelings for her go any day.

Four years of triumph had passed by since they defeated their enemy once and for all.

Three years since his dear friends were blessed with their first children—twin girls, no less.

One day since the birth of their first son and still all her could think of was her… how he wished to see her, smell her sweet scent, witness her wide and warm smile. Even just a glimpse of her would be enough to ease the ache that had been growing since he left her that ghastly night.

That night mixed with pleasure and pain.

Did he regret his decision? Sometimes, more than anything but during the final few battles he didn't… he knew if she was there he couldn't have protected her; he could have watched her die instead of the breaking of her heart. The latter she could recover from, the former he never would have…

"She'd forgive you," a whisper murmured from behind him to get his ear to flicker, he didn't have to turn to see the monk standing there. Not once did he ever explain what he had done to them, never did he dare tell the truth, but somehow they knew the general jest of what happened.

"Maybe," he mumbled, "or maybe not."

"You come here every day," he proclaimed, "you have the shikon no tama, you haven't used it because of your fear."

"What fear?" He questioned as he halfway turned to look at the monk.

"The one that if it's gone, so is your ability to travel through the well—to see her. Inuyasha, you need to go. We've all been waiting for you to finally give in these past four years; you'll always wonder what if in less you go see her. I'm not saying speak to her—to get a glimpse, just to know she's fine." urged Miroku as he stepped forward to place a hand on his friend's shoulder, "the well's hole is still there, you could go."

"Maybe," he murmured as his eyes dropped down to the wood. Yet, it was more than a maybe—he knew he'd go… he just needed that final push.

"Perhaps, you two could even be together once more?" Miroku softly suggested. There was no denying that was a dream he held, a fantasy he played with day and night—a hope that burned in him so bright that he feared what would happen if it were ever extinguished.

All the same, he pried up the wood and leaped down what was left of the well.

Ж

He had to see her…

He kept his eyes shut the whole time but the moment his falling lasted longer than it should have he knew that it was working, even after he landed on the other side he didn't dare open them until he took a few cleansing breaths in to build up the courage. When he pried his lids apart and slowly let his golden gaze shift up in the darkness to see the roof of the hut he felt a twinge—of hope and fear, each as paralyzing as the other.

For a while, he simply stood there before leaping up and out of the well to walk up the stairs. Cautiously, he opened the hut's door to get just a glimpse—that was all he told himself, it was all he was going to do. Just check on her, just get one chance to see her then he'd leave… then he could let go. Maybe… hopefully.

But what he saw hurt so much more, there she was standing in the sunlight with a smile on her face—that was perfect, that was what he had so longed to see—it was the toddler that stood holding her legs that caused his chamber to collapse upon his beating heart. Even from such a distance he could tell that the little girl's scent was similar to that of her mother… of his Kagome—no, that was wrong. She was no longer his, she belonged to another.

"Aren't you a big girl?" Kagome cooed as she bent down to pick up the giggling two year old before a flash of nothing crossed over her face.

"Mama?" the little girl questioned with a tilt of her head to earn her mother's smile back.

"Wanna go see grandma?" she asked as she handed her off to the elder lady, "can you take her inside? It's nap time."

"Of course, sweetheart," Kagome's mother nodded before she turned, jiggling a toy in front of her face while she walked into the house.

Kagome let a shaky breath out before she turned around to look towards the well, "I can still sense the shikon no tama."

He cringed at that declaration since that wasn't something he took into consideration but it was too late—she had called him out, so he opened the door all the way to step out. She had the sweetest sadness in her eyes as she look at him, her brows lightly bent together as she bit her bottom lip before finally getting out a, "hello… Inuyasha."

"Kagome," was all he could say in return.

"I thought… maybe, someday, you'd come back," she whispered while she took a few steps toward him but stopped when there was still a good distance between the two. "Is Naraku…?"

"Dead," he acknowledged with a nod, "everyone is okay. Miroku and Sango are married, with three kids. Shippou's training along with Kohaku."

"Good," she smiled ever so slightly before her shimmering hazels dropped to the ground, "I'm glad. And you?"

"I'm alive," and that was really all he could say, his life hadn't progressed in the past four years, he hadn't known blissful happiness, he just… was alive.

"Inuyasha," she slowly started, "I forgive you."

That stopped him—from everything from his heartbeat to breath. He hadn't expected that, not right away at least. Perhaps not at all, how could she know that was what he sought? How those three simple words could take the weight off of his broken yet beating heart... it was something he had longed for since he left. He couldn't take the way the guilt had eaten away at him but... she freed him, as she always did-just like the first time they met.

"K-Kagome," he murmured, "I… I never meant a word of it. I… I just wanted you safe."

"I was a teenager," she said with an attempt at a smile and a small shrug, "I should have known that but… teen's are so self-conscious, so emotional, so willing to believe that the boy they loved only cared about their body. I had only just turned eighteen, if I were older I might have been able to look past the pain to see the truth… it took too long, by the time I realized what you had done it was too late. I couldn't go see you. Inuyasha, I know you think that you did the right thing and… I guess we'll never know. I forgive you, I do."

"Thanks," he choked, that was what he needed so desperately to hear.

"I," she shakily started before confessing what would surely hurt him, "I am married."

He shut his eyes—those three words were like a dagger to his heart.

"I didn't know if you'd ever come back, I didn't… couldn't wait forever," she justified as she took two more steps towards him, "I have daughters with him."

"I saw," he murmured as he looked to her, "that little girl…?"

"Hitomi," she nodded as she glanced over her shoulder to the house, "she's two. I have an infant, six months old, her name is Hideko."

"Congratulations," he forced a fragment of a smile, "I'm happy for you… I know you always wanted a family."

Even if that wasn't the full truth, even though she knew the knowledge hurt him, the fact that he'd still say it just to give her comfort made her have to press her lips and blink quicker to keep from letting tears fall as she took the final steps forward so she could take his hands into hers, "I think about you still, if that means anything ."

"It does," he assured, it meant that even a small part of her heart belonged to him... and that was all he would have. "I think about you, too."

All the time, constantly, always—every day, almost each moment within it—were filled with thoughts of her.

"A part of me wants to leave with you," she whispered as if it were a betrayal and really she knew it was. She should have never let the thought cross her mind after the birth of her first daughter, it shouldn't have been a daydream anymore. Her children had to be her world and to give them all she could she had to be there—with their father that loved her and them dearly. "But I can't because of my girls and… I do love my husband, he's a good man. He loves me, more than anything."

"Good," he muttered, she deserved someone who could give her everything and make her happy. She had always deserved more than him... he knew that. "He's a lucky man."

She nodded as she slid her hands out of his to wrap her arms around him, "a part of me is always going to love you."

After everything, could he ask for more? No, so he just held her back as he shut his eyes to try and keep the sting at bay. A single tear slid down his cheek all the same as he took in her scent to engrave it into his memory. It was a wonderful moment that he'd try to savor; it was the last time he'd be able to hold the woman he loved. It had always been a nightmare in the back of his mind—that she had found someone else and began to form a family with him… it wasn't a fairytale, she had to have a life. She couldn't wait forever for the chance of a man that hadn't appeared to her in six years.

If she fell in love with another along the way, could he truly blame her? No, he had pushed her into another's arm.

Then the moment was shattered by a cry for, "mom!"

He could feel her tense up in his arms, her breath stop as her heartbeat quickened. At first he thought it was nothing more than her ashamed to have her child catch her in the arms of someone who wasn't his father—then it dawned on him.

It was a 'he' that called out for his mother, a boy… and all she had mentioned was daughters.

Slowly, he let her go to turn and see a boy around the age of five running up the stairs with a backpack and cap to cover his silver strands, "mom! Shin asked me if I wanted to go to his house to play a new game, can I go? Please! Mom, please, please, please!"

"S-sure," she stuttered with a subtle smile, "go ahead."

"Who are you?" he questioned with a cocked brow as he stopped near them, his amber orbs shifting up the odd man in front of him, "cosplayer? Who are you supposed to be? Aren't you too old for that type of stuff?"

"This is an old friend of mine," Kagome answered, "now go, isn't Shin waiting for you? Is his big brother walking you two home?"

"Yes," he groaned, "I know, I know. I can't leave school without a Shin's brother walking me home. I'll be back before dinner, bye!"

"Call!" Kagome shouted as he ran off, "your father or I will come pick you up!"

"Okay!" he waved as he jumped down the stairs.

The whole while his eyes didn't blink, he didn't need her to tell him… but he still turned his stunned sunlit stare to her.

"I… I," she choked before pressing her lips together, "I… don't know what to say."

"I can tell," he asserted, "you know I can."

"You left," she countered quickly, "you said horrible things and left. I had no one. Hiroki… he's my son, I raised him, I did everything for him—all he wanted was a father, Inuyasha. I had to give him that and then I met Isamu, he's a doctor—I know you don't understand that, but he means he's a great provider. He loves Hiroki like he's his own; he is the only father Hiroki has ever known."

"He's… mine," Inuyasha insisted.

"It was a one-night stand," she corrected coarsely, "and then you left. I tried, after Hiroki was born, to come see you but… it didn't work. If you wanted to come back after two years I figured you would have. He wanted a dad, I gave him one. What? Do you want to take that away from him? To tell him that Isamu isn't his dad—the man that was there in the middle of the night whenever he'd wake up to nightmares and needed someone to tell him they weren't real. The man that nursed him back to health whenever he got sick. The man that's been here for him all this time…?"

"I… I wanted to be here," he asserted, "I did!"

"Then you should have come back!" she shouted, "you are four years too late, Inuyasha! I met Isamu then, we married a little over two years ago. If you showed up before then than maybe… maybe things would be different but you didn't! How long was I supposed to wait?"

Four years? He stared at her for a while without a single thought until it repeated—four years. That was it? If he had returned right away after Naraku's defeat then…?

"I would have come back," he added, "I would have if I had known—"

"What do you want, Inuyasha?" she interrupted as she folded her arms and pressed her lips together, "For me to tell Hiroki that his dad isn't Isamu? That his dad is a hanyou from five hundred years in the past? I don't know how well he'd handle that… he has a wonderful normal life. He's so smart, he's already started school, and he's such a happy child…"

"So what?" he snapped, "I'm not allowed to know my own child?"

"We had sex," she almost shouted, only to check herself and puff out her annoyance, "that's all. We fucked once six years ago, that's all you did then you left! It's not like you were here to help, it's not like you did anything at all to earn the right to call him yours but the fact that you and I had sex. You've done nothing. What the hell was I supposed to do?"

It wasn't out of spite that she said those things, not completely at least and he knew that, he could see the anger in her eyes but also the desperation she felt spewed across her face… that must have consumed her for all those years—all those years he had left her alone. It was… his fault. That's what he told himself. He took a breath in as he looked away, "Kagome…"

"I'm sorry," she swore with a crack in her voice as she blinked away a few tears, "I'm sorry but… but I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't get to you… I couldn't wait. Now I have Isamu, I have a nice life, I'm happy… and can never come with you, I love my children with him. My daughters come first… and what's best for Hiroki. This world is so much better for him—the schooling, the healthcare, everything. His life is here… with his family, with me."

"Kagome!" A man called out from the house, "Hideko needs you!"

"Coming!" she shouted back as she brushed the tears away, "I… I have to go."

"Kagome," he murmured, "I…"

"I forgive you," she choked, "I hope someday you can forgive me but I… I had to move on. Goodbye, Inuyasha."

He didn't know what to say, she only waited a moment before she shook her head and turned away to go to the door where a man emerged with a whining baby to hand her off to Kagome. The terrible pang that coursed within him at just that sight was what made him turn around quickly and return to the hut and leap down the well. He didn't know what else to do…

"Who was that?" Isamu questioned with a cocked brow before he turned his attention back to his daughter and wife, "it's a little earlier for Halloween, isn't it?"

"That was… no one," she whispered as she cradled her daughter. For her to keep her life that way it was he had to be no one to her... he was her first love and that was all. She had to let go.

Her children, her husband, they had to be her world now… she was only human—she couldn't wait forever, she didn't have forever. That was what she told herself every night, that's what she convinced herself every time she looked into her husband's auburn eyes.

Ж

He had nothing but memories of her…

At first he was numb to the feelings that coursed through him, at the thought that he was a… no, he couldn't even think it because he couldn't be. He should have never left her but; then again, he had to. She couldn't have been there if she was pregnant, he could have lost so much more if she had died.

Now, it didn't matter too gravely—he had lost everything anyway, so much more than he could have ever dreamed of… that was why when he heard the screams from the village he rushed to them and unsheathed his sword to attack the gigantic spider youkai that meant to attack the place he had called home but would never feel like it.

"I'll take care of this," Inuyasha asserted once Miroku emerged from his hut. He had a family, a wife, a life to live for… what did he have?

Memories of a woman that belonged to another? A momentary sighting of a son that also belonged to another?

Of a life he had given away to another?

As always, he led the youkai away from the village to keep all the innocent bystanders safe as he thrashed at the monster—taking out all his frustration on the creature. Fighting like that was never a good idea, he knew, since anger and pain clouded his sight leaving him open to a couple of cheap hits—a stab in his side, a slash across his chest but he still won, he still slammed his sword through the spider after it was dead letting the blood and chunks splatter against him in the process…

It devoured his attention to keep him from noticing the second spider come up behind him and bite him in the shoulder, piercing his artery in the process so that blood would start to pool out of him as its poison swarmed through his body. The stun he felt from the unexpected attack kept him from reacting in enough time to avoid the stab through his chest but the strength he held was enough to swirl around to destroy it with one final assault…

A cough of blood left his lips as he stumbled forward, grabbing the most severe wound he held all the while. He had options though he could not move far, he could call out but when he tried he only coughed again as he staggered forward. A weak youkai… would really be his end?

It was insulting almost, then again, he was over two hundred and fifty—how long should a life really be? All he knew he wanted was to go out below the tree he had met her, that was why he used the rusted form of the Tessaiga as a cane to help him fumble through the forest until he dropped in front of the Goshinbuko. He grabbed the grass and roots to yank himself up so he could sit against the tree, his blurred vision glancing around as he felt the venom numb all the pain… did he really want to die?

Perhaps yes, perhaps no but… he knew he didn't want to live forever with nothing but memories of her… and a child he'd never know.

A/N:Perhaps not what you would want for the couple, but remember this is an angst story. Hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway.
Hiroki - abundant joy/strength
Hideko - splendid child
Hitomi - usually given to girls with especially beautiful eyes