Dear J,
I think I like dear J much better than 'journal' now I feel like I'm writing to a person instead of droning on and one about what beautiful eye my crush has. Its sad that I'm sure I have a journal like that around my room somewhere. Anyway, I'm getting off topic, as I write this I am waiting for Eli to come bust me out of this stupid hospital. They said I could go in the morning but I want to now I don't see the difference its only a few more hours. As we were talking on im though Eli brought up my dad asking if he had been back to see me. He hasn't and I understand because he's taking care of Darce and probably trying to make sure nana doesn't have a stroke over the whole ordeal. I need my dad though, but I don't want too beg or cry into the phone, I have to keep strong. That's all anyone ever say is 'Clarebear you're such a strong girl, you can get through this' but what if I can't? What if I'm not a strong girl anymore...what if I'm just like them...what if I'm crazy. If I am gonna break like that one day..because I feel like I am. I keep closing my eyes and imagining like I'm five years old again its 8:50 at night but dad has the new year special from last year taped. We're too young to know the difference and we wanted to stay up until "midnight" We're watching it and moms on the couch with Darcy eating popcorn and I'm sat on my dads lap in his recliner. We were watching the people all gather around about to say happy new years when Darcy asked my mom about everyone getting a new years kiss and if she was going to share one with dad. Mom laughed and said no they had plenty and she was sure I was on the job to give dad his kiss. Dad tickled my sides and I laughed really hard, agreeing with mom that I would. We counted down as a family and the clock hit "midnight" and I leaned over giving my dad the biggest 'Clarebear hug' and kiss he could ever get. He had started calling my Clarebear when I was able to hug because he said I gave the best bear hugs around. I remember this so clearly and I want to be there to badly when my family was okay, when we were stable and we were happy. Then I think about tonight and how my too sweet boyfriend came to hold me as I silently cried, he told me he loved me and gave my first real new years kiss. I don't know what I did to deserve him but the more I think about it, the more I keep feeling like I have to let him go...I know my days are numbered that I'll be going crazy soon..and I can't put him through that. I don't want to be crazy through..I just want my daddy. Daddy help me...Its my turn I know it...but maybe you could prolong it...maybe you can give me a Clarebear hug this time and make it all go away...I just want this to go away...
-Clare