Dear J,
We're in Eli's room he's sound asleep right now curled up against my side. I keep pausing in my writing to run my fingers through his hair. It seems to soothe him and myself. After getting out of the hospital we went to our field, cuddled up in the blanket Nana made me and talked about our New Years Resolutions. I asked him what his were and he said "To get better with his hoarding" and for us he wanted "Open and honest trust, telling each other our feelings". I look around his room now though and I can see promise in that resolution one corner of his room is pretty much clean. There is still a ton to do but I know he can get it done. He's so much stronger than he knows, he can make it through anything. I hope he makes it without me okay, when we sat on the field and he asked me my resolutions that's when I knew I had to let him go. He has all these things he needs to get done, this being one of them and if I go crazy any time soon I'll just be in the way. So I answered vaguely when it came to us I told him I wanted us to find happiness and I wanted him to be happy, which is true I do. I just didn't say I wanted him to be happy with me. He could be happy with someone else, another girl that won't go crazy. She won't ever love him like I do, but at least she won't be crazy. The last thing Eli needs is someone crazy. The last thing anyone I know needs is someone crazy...its time to let them all go. Its for their best interest, that's all I really have at heart here. So with time, they'll understand.
-Clare.