Dear J,
I finally just calmed myself down enough to write this. I have the small nightstand light on again as Eli sleeps soundly next to me. I just had the most terrible nightmare and while I'd love to wake him up have him tell me its all okay I think that this was my sign from God to get out. To walk away right now and never look back no matter how much it hurts. In the dream I was on the roof of the hospital again,Darcy was seconds away from jumping. My hands trembled and my knees felt like they could give out at any second. I was about to grab her and pull her back to me but I didn't get to her in time and she jumped to her doom. Splattered on the pavement, I'll never forget that site as long as I live. Dream or not it will always haunt me because that was seconds away from really happening. I turned around In the dream though feeling like my lungs were on fire and I'm about to pass out from all the screaming I did after she jumped but he catches me. I look up into those emerald eyes of his latching myself onto him for comfort but he pushes me back. Now I'm looking into the same emerald eyes but I don't recognize them,something about them is different. He looks at me in utter disgust and says "Why would you do this to me Clare?" And before I could ask what he continued "Why would you be with me when you know I have problems of my own? You're crazy Clare...how could you not tell me that? How could you be so selfish?" I felt the tears welling up in my eyes I didn't mean to hurt him and my heart was pounding harder and harder by the second. "I'd rather spend a million nights at Julia's grave then be with someone crazy like you..." he spat at me. Then he walked away, I tried to call after him explain myself but these voices started yelling about how crazy I am, that I'm just destined to be insane. I'm just like my mother high strung and my sister off her rocker, its no wonder my dad wanted out the voice said. I told it to shut up but it kept getting louder and louder until I sat up in a cold sweat. I'll never forget that dream those words...I'll never forget any of that. That's why as soon as I close this journal I'm going to give Eli his last kiss on the lips from me and quietly go. Fade away from his life, I'll ask to live with my grandmother... that way he can't try and change my mind. Its better this way...it has to be.
-Clare