July 22 –

I have decided to risk it and make a phone call home. We are in a higher elevation and Radioshack has a cell phone with a good international plan. He calls California often.

I called Raph. I miss him desperately and I regret leaving on such a sour note. He answered cautiously because he did not recognize the number and he sounded glad to hear from me at first. Then he turned sullen and told me he was busy learning how to solder and he had to go. I have no idea why he would be doing that. He's putting his bike through some repairs. Painting it. I'm surprised. He was always so proud of the racing stripes.

It was nice to hear his voice, even if he was gruff and off-putting. He must think that I've abandoned them all. Well, get over it. He's not the only one with problems. I called him all the way from Central America. It was the least he could do to be civil with me and pretend to be happy to hear from me.

Right now I have a parasite. Its name is Radioshack.

I had to sit for hours in the back of a truck listening to him ask me questions.

He asks, "Can you crack a walnut with your thighs?"

"Yes."

"Ever done it?"

"Yes."

"Why would you do that?"

"Didn't have a nutcracker."

"Wouldn't it have been easier to do it with your hands?"

"DON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP?" The cows brayed. We were in the back of a semi-truck full of cattle and thankfully my outburst was not heard by the driver.

"Sorry. Just makin' friendly conversation. Want to see my bullet scar?" He lifted his shirt. He has a large "MS-13" on his chest.

I pulled up my poncho and pointed at my own bullet wound. Then I pointed at the gash where Raph accidently stabbed me. Then at the glass scar from when I landed in April's window. Another scar. Another…

He said, "You're the real deal, right?"

I didn't respond. I admit that I haven't spoken to him much. I'd rather listen to my own thoughts at the moment.

But no. Then he says, "Who was that you were talking to? That your girlfriend?"

"That was my brother."

"He sounded mad, right? You two get along?"

I didn't answer that either. I don't think I'm good at making friends. I've never had to do it for myself. I always had Mikey or Raph do it for me. I'm friends with whomever they happen to be friends with. I don't have time for it. It is very difficult not to see myself as a friendless loser sometimes.

Radioshack explained that his parents were crushing on America when they named him. His younger sister's name is Hilary Clinton. I explained that I and my brothers were named out of a renaissance art book. He said, "That's why you all have sissy names, right?"

"Yes, RADIOSHACK!"

He nudged me in the side. "Don't be so serious. You're like, epic to a fault. There ain't much about you to call sissy. And I know some tough dudes. This one guy Loco Joint, he goes to his ex-girlfriend's house, right? And she was just bangin' one of his friends and he comes in her house and he says…" I don't remember what he said. It was something long and angry and Spanish and involved "fucking" groups of people. It was the plural form anyway. But he continued and said, "…Then he goes in the bedroom and takes out his machete and he hacks off his friend's head. And he goes in the bedroom and he does the same to both her kids."

"Holy crap." What kind of people does he associate with?

"Yeah, he's a bad one. He's my cousin, right? He lives in Virginia. Where you from? You sound American."

I shouldn't tell him anything, but the longer I'm with him, the more I tell him. "I'm from New York City."

"Really? I want to go there. You got pictures of your family? Got any hot sisters?"

I automatically reached for my pictures. I brought one of everyone. I shouldn't have. I'm beating myself up over it now. It was nice to talk about them pleasantly for once, instead of being interrogated by someone who wants to do experiments on them. I showed him a picture of April and Casey.

"Oh, she is hot. She's not your sister, right?"

I said, "No. We call her our sister. Otherwise, our closeness seems creepy. She looks a little devious right here. I believe she had just ordered Mikey to paint her bedroom."

"Who's the dude?"

"Oh, that's her boyfriend, Casey. She's April. They look so cute together it makes me want to throw up sometimes."

I can't believe how negatively I speak lately.

Then I pulled out a picture of Don. He was wearing his welding goggles and eating a sandwich. Covered in soot.

"He looks like an engineer."

"He's all kinds of things. He just blew up a television. We got a new one and so the send off was an explosion. We launched that sucker twenty feet."

He stared at me out of the corner of his eyes.

"We don't have many amusements. Here's Mikey."

Klunk had just knocked down the Christmas tree for the sixth time that Christmas and he was hugging him and looking sad. Raph had just threatened to turn him into violin string.

"Is that a girl?"

"Klunk's a boy."

"No, that…" He was pointing at Mikey.

"He's Mikey! He's a boy!"

"Got big eyes. Got a picture of you?"

"Why would I bring one of me? I see myself all too much."

I did have a picture of me. It was the picture of Raph. He was leaning in the doorway of the dojo and I was bending down in the background to put something away.

"Wow." He was impressed.

I said, "Yeah, I gained some weight since then."

"No, him. He's real cool. You don't look too cool. Scary. But not cool. You sure you're related?"

"No, he belongs to the mutant turtles of London. Of course he's ours."

Raph always either looks really surprised, like a deer in headlights or super cool. He has to pose really hard to look good.

They always take pictures of me after a fight or when I'm mad or depressed. Never when I look cool. It isn't at all fair.

Then I pulled out the picture of my father and I was surprised that he jerked and made some exclamation of disgust. "That's my father, creep!" I put it away.

"Your dad is giant rat! That's gross!"

I was defensive now and I yelled, "My cousin didn't hack off innocent children's heads. Now shut up and leave me alone."

So I have offended my traveling companion into silence. I wonder what progress Father would think I'm making on my trip to being a better leader.

July 23 –

We are off of that blasted truck now and back in the wilderness. I am beginning to really hate the wilderness. It all looks the same. Wild. Good thing I have a compass.

I asked Radioshack, "Do you have any money?"

He was cagey and said, "A little. Why?"

"As much as I like to perfect my svelte figure, I'd like to eat within the next day or two. And judging from your paunch, I'd say you do too."

"Hey! That's low man. You're not treating me with much respect. You don't see me dissing you. I could call you a Kermit the Frog wannabe. But do you hear me doing that? No. I've been real nice to you. I asked you about your family and said your sister was hot and stuff, right? And you just order me around and yell at me."

He was absolutely right. I was being unreasonably mean to him. I said, "I'm sorry, Radioshack. That's true. I've never been on my own before and I'm… not good… with people. At least with people who don't want to kill me. So you'll have to forgive my social anxiety. Now we'll have to make a camp soon. I have days of training to catch up on."

I spent the greater part of the day working out and it is quite a pleasant challenge to stay in shape in the forest. I did pull ups on a tree limb. I know Radioshack was watching. He doesn't amuse himself very well.

I was about to do a difficult kata and I heard, "Woah, that was awesome. Can you teach me?"

"That gets a resounding no. It takes years and years of devotion." It takes all your mental capacities and you'll just end up an emotionally useless obsessive-compulsive with more enemies then friends and neutral acquaintances put together. So no.

"Years and years? You ain't too old, right? You look young."

I put my katanas away because I decided that I was too hungry to carry on anyway. I have never sweated so much in my whole life than I have in the time that I have been here. I'm glad that there are no females here to smell me. Although, why that would matter anyway… "I've been training since I was a small child. I'm eighteen now."

"Wow, you are young."

Then Radioshack's phone rang. He answered it and said, "I don't recognize this number and I have to say that I'll cut you if… Oh, hello, Mikey. Yeah, I can do that…" Then he put it on speaker. I couldn't believe this.

"You're getting soft in your secrecy, old man," Mikey's voice said. It was so surreal to hear his voice in the jungle. "Who are you?"

"My name is Radioshack."

"Bitchin' name. I want to change my name to Wal-Mart. Maybe they'll give us free stuff. Do you hear that in the background?" There was some music playing. I recognized the song, but I couldn't place it. "That's 'Hey Mickey'. I'm dancing while I clean. Donny's napping. He's so cute. He's holding his duster like it was a lover. Raph's gone. I don't know where he is. Don wants to build a harpoon gun using a plunger. What's the jungle like?"

I said, "Well, it's warm and wet."

Radioshack said something extremely disgusting and Mikey made a nervous eep sound. He said, "That's real dirty. Keep it to yourself. I said something like that and Master Splinter made me clean the toilet 50 times. I bought a new outfit for Klunky. He's going to look real cool. It's a leather jacket. I'm going to have him sit on Raph's motorcycle and take a picture."

"Your brother has a motorcycle?" Radioshack said. "He's the cool brother, right?"

"You mean Raphie? Yeah, he's cool, I guess. Not really. Well, I think I'm the cool one. He's afraid of bugs, you know. And used to sing to himself at night 'cause he was afraid of the dark and I used to piss on him when he was asleep. That was always really funny."

Radioshack seemed to be enjoying their little chat. I said, "Mikey, was there a reason for the call? Not that it isn't nice to hear from you of course, but I'm supposed to be in social deprivation from you all. Learning how to lead and such."

"Oh, no. I was bored. Don fell asleep. Send me something cool."

Radioshack said, "I'll send you some pictures of girls. I know this one magazine…"

"I'll send a game or a book," I said loudly over him.

"Dude. I've seen naked girls." Mikey tries to sound so worldly sometimes.

"Well, I don't want to discuss it. Do you hear me?"

"Wow, you're sounding like his dad, homes," Radioshack said. He is searching for a nickname for me.

"Who's homes?" Mikey asked.

"Nobody. Now, goodbye. Tell everybody hello for me."

"Okay. I love you."

I didn't respond. He always has too say that. "Well, me too."

"You what?"

I sighed and looked at Radioshack, who was laughing at me. "I love you too. Are you happy now?"

Mikey put on his whiny child voice and said, "When are you coming home?"

I hate that. I want to give him away when he does that. "When I complete my training and you know very well when that is."

"Okay. Keep your nose clean. Don't get too frisky with the ladies."

"Shut up, you little terd." I said that with full affection.

I hung up and then smashed Radioshack's phone. He screamed at me and verbally abused me and I explained that I must maintain secrecy in my movements. And he was the one who put himself under my protection and so he has to live with the consequences.