I'm in an extremely tense and bad mood. Full of worry and what not. So Leo will suffer in proportion. Kind of gruesome and disturbing content. So you're warned. I had to read "I, Rigoberta Menchu" in college and I suppose that's where some of this is coming from.

July 4 –

I believe that I will take my leave today. I'll gather my goat and go. I can't believe I just wrote that.

I woke up early. I tend to oversleep. It's a bad trait for a leader. I have always needed lots of sleep and so I have to force myself to go to bed quite early. Since I forced myself to go to bed at 10pm last night, I actually awoke at a time that I deemed early. But Abuela had been up since 5am, cooking breakfast and doing chores outside. She said that neither I nor Radioshack stirred at all and that was probably because he was passed out.

She says that she hopes he's hung over because she plans on banging loudly on some copper pots all morning to teach him a lesson.

He was still in the goat house at noon. Abuela and I had eaten breakfast, cleaned the house and the dishes and now she was preparing lunch. She planned on watching telenovelas and I was sorely tempted to join her. I don't think it would be so bad to be adopted by her, when I think about it. But she isn't in trouble and so I must leave and find someone in need.

Radioshack was asleep, using a goat as a pillow. The goat lay on the ground, its eyes bugging out in terror at the horrifying human imposing itself on him. I kicked Radioshack in the side and said, "It's time to get out now, Precious."

He mumbled at me in Spanish. Something about being a motherfucker, I suppose.

"I'm here to collect my goat and then I'll be moving on, motherfucker," I said, returning the favor. "Don't you want to say goodbye?"

That seemed to bring him around. He had that same squinty look that Raph has on most Sunday mornings when he makes it home. He squinted at me and said, "You leaving? What about MS? They might come and get me, right."

I was so angry at that moment. He'd assured me he would be safe here. "What am I supposed to do about it? How can they find you here? You're in the middle of nowhere."

"I kind of called Consuelo last night, right? I was real drunk. She has a brother-in-law who lives in the next village and she said he was going to take my hands as payment or something. Or my balls. I don't remember. So you got to stay now and protect me."

So I kicked him in the stomach and went back in the house and sat at the kitchen table, probably brooding and moping. I had been so elated to be rid of him. Now I had to stay and wait for a gang to try to kill him. I wonder how long it takes for them to organize. Hopefully, quickly. I want to kick their asses and move on.

I've been listening to my iPod. Trying to relax. Abuela can tell that I'm upset about something. I've chosen not to upset her. I did tell her it was a better idea to stay inside today. I made up some garbage about rain, but it's a perfectly nice day.

As soon as Radioshack sobered up enough to know that his and the goats' lives were in danger out in the shed, he came groveling into the house, begging his grandmother to hydrate and feed him. She fed him, but gave him evil looks the whole time he was in the house. I tried some meditation to rid myself of the frustration, but my iPod only seemed to want to play sensual music and I became a little aroused and had to excuse myself briefly to regain composure. Half of my songs involve female breathing. Mikey said it's because I'm a pervert. Maybe. I have many Shakira songs and I can't help visualizing… Never mind. Unnecessary to dwell.

I watched a telenovela with them and it was extremely confusing. There were firemen and a pretty girl and she ran away from this other woman and then she ran up to a roof and jumped. I don't have the slightest clue what happened.

Abuela then asked about my katanas. She said, "Why do you carry swords? You're so young."

That didn't make sense to me. I said, "I'm a ninja. Those are my weapons."

I should not have said that. I'd become too lax and comfortable here. She said, "You're in one of those gangs too! I thought you were a good boy!"

"No! No!" Radioshack said. He flinched from the headache. "He's an old time warrior. Fights evil and defends old ladies like Robin Hood. He's on a secret mission."

She was not satisfied. If only I could have explained.

July 4 pm –

I just had a fight. Feeling very good right now. Sometimes I would say after a fight, "Who needs sex?" and Raph will always respond, "I do." That's kind of our joke.

They waited until nightfall as I expected. Gangs are so predictable. But something interesting and amusing happened first. Consuelo came to the door. Abuela answered and seemed to recognize her because she went for her wooden spoon and said, "If you give me any grief, I will hit you with this."

Of course, I had hidden at the first sound of a visitor. I don't know why I didn't hide when Maria the Slut came to the door. I suppose I already knew who she was and that she wasn't a threat… violently anyway. I jumped into a large cabinet and cracked it open a little to see outside.

Now Consuelo is a truly frightening woman. I'm not easily frightened, but if I were as easily frightened as Radioshack, I would have pissed my pants at the sight of her. She's covered in gang tattoos and wore the sleaziest outfit I've ever seen. She has MS and 13 tattooed on each breast, both of which were out in the open for all to see and she wasn't wearing a bra and I could see her tits perfectly through her top. I think I'm feeling slightly more macho than usual. Fights tend to do that to me. I'll try to bring it down a notch.

And she charmingly had FUCK and YOU! tattooed on her four knuckles of each finger. I have rarely seen hair like that. I wonder if rats make nests in her hair while she sleeps.

She said to Radioshack, "Hey, what are you doing back here? You owe me some money." I don't remember exactly what she said. It was much more vulgar, Spanish and contained a lot of references to cocaine and semi-automatic weapons.

He said, "Hey, bitch! I owe you nothing, right!" And then he looked around the room for me to protect him.

When I seemed to have disappeared he said, "I got a bodyguard now. Where's Leo, Abuela? Tell him to get out here and kick this bitch's ass."

And then Consuelo did something odd and I knew it was some kind of act of aggression, but couldn't quite place it. She reached into her mouth and Radioshack screamed. I suppose that was the tipoff that I was needed.

I jumped out of the cupboard and grabbed her hand. A razor blade. The woman actually keeps a razor blade under her tongue. This girl has bigger balls than Raph.

Abuela took the opportunity to call Consuelo names and hit her in the face with her wooden spoon and ordered her out of the house and yelled after her to wear a bra.

Radioshack said, "That was so cool how you came out of the closet like that."

I still don't know if he was being sincere or not. I impressively jumped out of a closet? I thought it looked lame.

Oh, I see. Never mind.

But the fun didn't end there. That wasn't a fight. I don't want to make it sound like I pulled a razor out of someone's hand and was excited by it. That was nothing.

Half an hour later, Consuelo yelled at Radioshack from outside. She ordered him to come out. Radioshack yelled out the door, "Nuh uh!" His eloquence and power with words is truly astounding.

I left the house through the window and surveyed the scene. A dozen men were standing around the house. They thought that they were hidden, crouched behind the goat house and in the garden and such. Like any of them could ever successfully hide from me.

I know that MS-13 enjoy hacking people with machetes and I suppose that Radioshack knew this also because he refused to leave the house. I was feeling pretty good about the situation. Twelve guys with machetes against me. Plus Consuelo. I liked the odds.

But then Abuela opened the door and screamed at them in Spanish. There was a lot of yelling for a while and I jumped up on the roof in case I needed to drop down between them. And then Radioshack yelled at his grandmother and she yelped and I could tell that he had physically manhandled her back into the house and closed the door. So he finally showed a little bravery.

I recognized one of them from Radioshack's stories of trembling and fear. He said that Loco Joint was known for cutting people up. He likes to hack people's heads open with his machete. He enjoys killing. Has no real feelings. I mean he enjoyed killing in the past tense of the word. He doesn't enjoy anything anymore.

I waited for them to make a move on the front door. I knew one of them would become impatient. It wasn't Loco Joint. He just waited for one of the others to rush the house, most likely in case there was gun fire. He had enough inexperienced men with him to do that job for him.

I won't describe the fight in great detail because I find that I am not very good at it. It wasn't much a fight. But all I'll say is that Loco Joint received a few "hacks" of his own.

I didn't go back to see them. I knew they were alright and I don't think Abuela would want to see me again. I know they saw me killing those men. I only kill when I have to. But still… to know that others know you're a killer. It's like someone watching you masturbate. At least to me. It feels like that dirty part of me that I want hidden.

So I left. I didn't take my inheritance. I didn't feel like mine anymore. Radioshack can have it back. It's rightfully his.

July 17 –

I've gotten my journal back. I killed them all. There's blood on all these pages now. Those fuckers are dead. I want to talk to Sensei.

July 17 pm –

I've mostly recovered from my earlier dramatics and can elaborate more specifically. I need a few days to recover before moving on again.

After I left Abuela and Radioshack I traveled aimlessly, much like when I ventured into the mountains during my first few nights in this country. I settled down to camp for the night and I was shot. I just lay in my hammock and a bullet hit me in the leg. What kind of a ninja am I? I didn't hide myself well enough. Just set up camp on the ground. I assumed nobody ventured into the thickest parts of jungle. I'm a fool. To think that I would be so arrogant. That I, a stranger and foreigner, am the only one who traverses the thickest parts of the jungle? That the natives are not ahead of my by one hundred times.

Raph would tell me I'm being a pussy because he always tells me that when I worry. Because he doesn't care what I feel. Well, he can rot in hell after some foot ninja gouges out his eyes with a hot pair of tongs.

What is wrong with me? I don't want anyone to hurt Raph. I love him.

I think I need more sleep. But I can't sleep. Not out in the open. How am I going to function?

I'm very hungry right now and my wounds are all sore and itching in the humidity. Not healing properly.

July 18 –

I'll try another round at explaining what happened. I slept up in a tree and felt much safer. I need Don to build me some kind of electronic what's-it to let me know when people are coming. But I have to be a ninja for a change and figure it out on my own. He writes all his personal documents in Klingon. I miss that. I thought it was stupid when I was at home.

I was shot in the leg and when I noticed, I fell out of my hammock and hid. I tried to climb a tree. I could hear someone creeping nearby in the brush. It was definitely not an animal. But I couldn't make it and fell. I was shot again in the stomach. So I couldn't move in time to…

Why didn't I escape? I just laid there.

And then a man came into my field of vision. He wore army green and looked like a military type. He ordered me to do something in Spanish and I didn't understand so he cracked me over the head.

I don't remember much of the first few days. I was restrained and asked questions that I couldn't understand. I had a few dreams during that time that I'll keep to myself.

But I am very strong and came to soon. They said I'd had an infection and nearly died. But they kept me alive because they wanted to ask me questions and called me a spy. I am not being very detailed because I don't remember very much from this time.

I remember my first awareness of my surrounds… Well, I realized that I was in some kind of bunker. Like a root cellar. No, like a bomb shelter or fox hole. A concrete room underground and I was chained to the wall, lying on the ground. Of course all of my gear had been removed. The floor was cold and damp.

There was a soldier sitting in the room with a machine gun. I couldn't stir at first. But I was sure I could escape this. I'd escaped far worse without a scratch.

But they didn't hurt me much. They hurt others. They killed little children and asked me choose who lived.

I'm not explaining in any linear fashion. I don't care.

I'm going to go back to Abuela and Radioshack's house to see if they are all right.

They thought I was a spy they said. Why would I be a spy? And I said nothing. I never talk under torture. They can cut me all they like. I never talk. I can endure pain. But I talked after they shot the little girl.

So I'm going to go back to Abuela's.

July 19 –

I'm sleeping in the goat shed with Radioshack again. I haven't explained where I've been and Radioshack said that I came to the door looking like a big green zombie with blood in the cracks of my shell and under my fingernails. I refused to explain. Abuela made some awful soup, but I thanked her and ate it all nicely.

I asked them if they had heard of the guerillas. They both said no. Both lied.

There were seven children and they shot three.

I can't sleep. Radioshack told me he's going to buy me some tequila. I haven't spoken to him much. He must think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I used to think that nothing could break me. Nothing had, until now. I can even endure the suffering of my brothers. They are all stronger than I am.

Radioshack listened to some of my dirty music on my iPod while I stared into space, or in reality, at the goat I was supposed to inherit, and said, "So why did those guerillas want you anyway? They only are trying to get people off the land, right? Scare us all off so that their boss can start a banana plantation or something."

"They wanted to know who I worked for and why I was there. They thought I belonged to some kind of… I don't know… opposition. They thought I was a spy."

"You look like they hurt you." He stared at my cuts and bruises. "How'd they get you to talk?"

I said with not much emotion, "They shot a five year old girl in front of me."

He babbled in a panic in Spanish. I didn't pay attention to the content. Motherfucker something.

"And then two more. One was a boy. All asked for their mothers. Little children bleed more than you would think for their size." I don't remember feeling anything at that particular moment.

"You let them?"

I felt like crying then, but I didn't. I said, "I was restrained. I was chained down and I couldn't move. But that's no excuse. Raph would have torn himself to pieces to stop it and that's why he's so much better than me."

Radioshack always knows the tactful thing to say. He said, "He's the cool brother, right?"

"I told them what they wanted to know. They broke me." There was nothing for it but to cry now.

I might as well have done something as extraordinary as spontaneously burst into flame. He looked like he'd never seen anything more astonishing in his life as a weeping ninja. Radioshack said, "Hey, you're hero. You guys aren't supposed to cry. How did they shoot three kids? I mean, you let them shoot two kids before you talked?"

"No! I talked and they just kept shooting! They wanted to make sure I wasn't lying. Don't you get it? You're such a fucking idiot." My voice rose to the point of hysteria. That is always a good trait for a ninja.

Then he got up and left the shed. I was truly miserable. I only had one confidant on the whole continent and I'd just driven him away. But then a minute later Abuela knocked and opened the door and said, "Radioshack says you are upset and that you should sleep in the house. I order you in here this minute."

So I obeyed the order. It is wrong of me to be so attached to anyone. They're treating me like their own family. I'm not going to write any more tonight. I'm shaking so badly.