Undesired Romance
Chapter Two: Torn In Two
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try
Tsunade groaned, her head pounded, her body ached and trembled, her stomach hurt, and quite plainly she felt like complete crap. Her eyes flickered open and she stared up at the ceiling of her apartment, why was she on the couch? Why did she feel completely wasted? Why couldn't she remember what had happened last night? And where did the blanket that covered her body come from?
Tsunade slowly sat up, trying not to upset her body more than it already was. She blinked heavily and her head pounded when she looked into the blinding light that flooded into her apartment. She squinted her eyes and groaned, the light only made her head spin and pound more than it already was. She lowered her head and held the side of in the palm of one of her hands.
'Hangover, no doubt about it. I must've gotten wasted last night, but wouldn't I at least remember it? ' Tsunade asked herself as she desperately tried to remember last night. However she could only remember snippets of the night before, small clips if you will, but she couldn't piece together the whole picture. All she could remember was going to her favorite Sake bar after a long day at work (much to Shizune's disapproval) after that everything went dark. She then remembered her sitting across from a man in a booth, her body swaying to the tune of no obvious music, the man yammering on about something, something Tsunade obviously wasn't attention to. Tsunade sighed, the man was familiar to her, yet a stranger at the same time. She knew him, but didn't, she just couldn't place his face in the place it belonged. Tsunade shook her head, she would worry about the mystery man later. The next and last memory she had of that night was her walking home with the same man she had been sitting with. Tsunade growled, there were so many unanswered questions, that was the worst part of a hangover. Not the pains and aches, but the scraps of memory that would never be placed together right, the questions that would irk her until she got her answers.
Tsunade sighed, maybe a shower would ease her mind and bring back some memories of the previous night, just maybe. Tsunade got up, her body still trembling and her eyes hurting from a current sensitivity to light due to the hangover. She steadied herself with the arm of the couch, her body swaying and her mind spinning this way and that. Tsunade slowly walked to her bathroom, reaching out periodically to steady herself, thankful her apartment was only one story. She closed the door of the bathroom with a loud thud and locked the door for no reason. She quickly started the shower, setting the water to the warmest setting. Tsunade quickly undressed, but not before noticing the distinct smell of cologne, a cologne she knew well but once again she just couldn't place it.
'Cologne, I know that cologne. Ugh, why can't I remember anything?' Tsunade thought to herself as she pulled back the curtain and stepped into the shower; the warm, calming water beating onto her bare back, calming her frazzled nerves. Her head stopped pounding so ferociously and her aversion to light slowly faded. Her stomach stopped aching and she began to feel a little better. She closed her eyes and just stood there, water pouring down her neck and arms while her senses became clearer with every rhythmic beat of water. She sighed, breathing in the smell of cologne that still barely clung to her skin. As her senses became clear she pictured who it was, who the cologne belonged to. Piece by piece her memory came back, a small piece of the puzzle came to her with every deep breath. White hair. Black eyes. Red lines coming from the eyes. Toads...toads?
'Jiraiya.' Tsunade thought to herself, glad that it was Jiraiya and not some creeper who took her home. She sighed, she could see it clearly now, her and him walking home, but this time his face full of details, weariness, the hardships of age; while Tsunade's showed nothing but drunken blissfulness. She growled to herself and pressed the palm of her hand against the tile wall of the shower, Jiraiya would never live it down. She could just imagine the conversation they would have when he would no doubt be waiting in her office.
First he would comment about how she was late. Tsunade would respond with something along the lines of, "One of the perks of being Hokage is just as long as I come into the office sometime during the day, no one cares when". Jiraiya would then smirk and make some kind of comment about last night, maybe about how drunk she was, or how she should watch herself, or how the oh so strong Hokage needed help from a simple toad sage just to get back to her apartment. Either way, Tsunade would glare at him harshly and give him some kind of sassy reply, then order him to spit out what he wanted to tell her because he probably wasn't there for a social visit. Jiraiya would then shrug and tell her what he had told her the night before, but just as he had said earlier, it had gone in one ear and out the other.
Tsunade heavily breathed out, she hated how well she knew Jiraiya, like a lover almost...no. She couldn't, Jiraiya was a colleague, maybe even a friend...maybe, but definitely not a lover. But still, she hated how she knew him almost better than herself...almost better than Dan, a thought that irked her, it was the kind of thought that gave her nightmares in the middle of the night. Those were the kinds of things that drove her to get as wasted as she had the night before. Tsunade shivered despite the warm water that showered her body.
After thirty minutes Tsunade got out of the shower, her mind clear and her hangover symptoms not as bad. Tsunade wondered if she should just not go into the office, she didn't know why but the thought of seeing Jiraiya almost...scared her? No that couldn't be it, could it? No matter the reason, she didn't want go in that day, it didn't really matter why did it? Of course not.
'I shouldn't go in. I'm having a hangover, how much work can I actually get done with my head pounding? ' Tsunade thought as she carefully brushed out her thick, blonde hair.
'If I don't go in Shizune will get worried, and Jiraiya. He'll find me eventually even if I don't go in today, I can't avoid him, not for long at least. Anyways what am I afraid of? This is isn't the first time he's seen me wasted and it definitely won't be the last.' Tsunade thought as she accepted the fact, she had to go into the office that day, hangover or no hangover, it didn't matter.
Tsunade slowly got ready to go into the office, periodically checking the time. It was almost noon by the time she left, her head still pounding slightly and the light still hurting her eyes, but at least her stomach didn't hurt, Pepto Bismol had taken care of that.
She walked to her office as fast a she could, wanting to get away from brightness of the outside sun and the loud screams of playing children. She hated how crammed the dirt roads were in the afternoon; that's why she always went to work early, so she could avoid all the afternoon traffic. It always was a pain having to dodge children, food carts, business men too busy talking to pay attention to who they were bumping into, ninjas carrying out their orders, and just random people all at once.
Tsunade was glad when she finally got out of the hot, stuffy dirt roads and into the Hokage's tower. However her head was still pounding and her eyes ached from her troublesome commute to work. She didn't feel like complete crap, but she felt close to it. She was just thankful she had a bottle of Alka-seltzer and aspirin in her desk just for a situation just like the one she was in now.
Tsunade treaded up the stairs to her office loudly, not caring if anyone heard her. She pushed the door to her office gruffly open and stomped in, only to see Jiraiya sitting behind her desk, grinning.
"Aren't we peachy this morning? And late too, tsk, tsk Tsunade," Jiraiya playfully scolded. Tsunade growled and glared at him coldly. Jiraiya just laughed, her glare didn't affect him at all.
"I'm the Hokage it doesn't matter when I come into the office just as long as I do. So if I want to come in at one I'm aloud to," Tsunade muttered as she walked to the windows and shut the curtains, leaving a few small candles to light the room. She then stormed over to her desk, roughly pulling out one of the drawers and pulled out two bottles, one aspirin and the other alka seltzer. She poured herself two cups of water, and set them on the desk. Jiraiya quietly observed her as she popped an aspirin into her mouth and took a gulp of one of the cups of water. After she swallowed down the pill she took out two alka seltzers and dropped them into the other glass, leaving it to fizz. Tsunade turned back to Jiraiya and glared, "Get up, that's my desk."
"someone's touchy," Jiraiya remarked, smirking as he got up and motioned for Tsunade to sit. Tsunade glared at him even harder now as she sat down. "Or is it just the hangover, you were pretty beaten up last night, that is if you even remember last night."
"Why are you here?"
"To deliver my report on Orochimaru, I gave it to you last night, not that you remember."
"Just tell me now," Tsunade coldly said as she picked up the water that had Alka seltzer in it and chugged it in one gulp. Jiraiya shrugged and sat down across from Tsunade, on the other side of her desk. Tsunade looked at him in astonishment as he told his report, everything he had said and done, everything she had predicted. When she was taking a shower she had predicted what would happen, and exactly that had happened. It was creepy almost if you really thought about it, the way they knew so much about each other, like how a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend would. Tsunade slightly shivered from the thought.
"Are you even listening to me?" Jiraiya asked exasperated, after he noticed Tsunade was looking off in another direction.
"Hmm?" Tsunade asked, her head snapping back to Jiraiya and her train of thoughts being broken.
"Of course you didn't. You know what, I'll just write up my report, okay? That way you can read it when you aren't drunk, having a hangover, or gambling," Jiraiya sighed.
"No, it's fine continue," Tsunade prodded.
"No, you're not going to listen anyways, I might as well save my breath."
"fine be stubborn."
"I will...oh and you're relieved of your Hokage duties or whatever," Jiraiya said standing up.
"What?" Tsunade asked, utterly confused by his choice of words.
"You must have a killer headache from the looks of all the aspirin you took, and it seems you have a sensitivity to light, both no doubt from the hangover. However I'm sure these are only two of the long list of symptoms you're probably suffering from. You must be in a lot of pain, you can't work like this. You are going home, you can't get anything done if you have a hangover anyways, so you might as well go. I won't let you work with a hangover,"
"I've done it before, I can do it again," Tsunade defiantly said, a bit surprised by the sudden turn of events.
"Yeah well those times you didn't have someone to take your place."
"Oh really and who would that be? Shizune?"
"Me," Jiraiya said as if it was obvious.
"I'd rather entrust Kakashi and Gai. I mean come on Jiraiya, what if the village elders come in or someone needs to talk to me,"
"Hey, I can handle the village elders just fine. And if someone wants to talk to you they can talk to me and if that isn't good enough then they can wait until you aren't suffering from a hangover. And I already talked to Shizune about it, she thinks it's the best for you too," Jiraiya said, obviously offended.
"You know what? I take that back I'd rather trust Orochimaru than you any day."
"Now that's just mean," Jiraiya smirked as he walked overt to Tsunade and held out his hand.
"I'm not going home."
"Yes, you are. That alcohol must still be in your system if you think you can work with a hangover."
"I'm staying."
"Fine," Jiraiya said as he walked over to the windows and completely opened the curtains on all of the windows, letting light flood into the room. Tsunade squinted and heavily blinked, she shielded her eyes from the blaring sun with her hand, but that still didn't stop the white spots that clouded her vision. Tsunade growled as her head started to pound and her vision started to slightly spin. She held her forehead in the palm of her hand for the hundredth time that day. Tsunade stood up out of her chair to shut the curtains, but before she could her vision dipped a bit and her body slightly tipped to the side. Tsunade steadied herself using the edge of her desk, she looked at Jiraiya who wore an I-Told-you-So look on his smug face.
"Jerk," Tsunade whispered.
"Good, it's settled. You will go home and don't come back until you feel better, and if you even try to come in tomorrow I will have Shizune escort you back out. If I have to I'll get security to escort you out, either way you won't get back in this building until at least two days from now, if that."
"What am I supposed to do until then?"
"Easy, don't get drunk. Simple as that."
"Shut up," Tsunade growled. Jiraiya was lucky she had a hangover to deal with or else Tsunade would've already pounded his face in with her fist.
"Aww come on it can't be that bad Tsunade. I mean its win win. I get to play Hokage for a couple of days and you get a mini vacation." Tsunade didn't reply but instead slowly walked from her office, her temper had really reached her limit, that always happened when she had a hangover, she acts like she's PMSing or something.
"Oh and Shizune will escort you out," Jiraiya called after her.
"Afraid I'll try and get back in?" Tsunade testily called back.
"Nope, just don't want you to collapse." Tsunade sighed and walked out. Shizune met her at the door of the office, she looked timid and scared but Tsunade didn't notice. The two walked in silence the whole time, Tsunade too pissed and Shizune too timid to speak a single word or phrase. Shizune escorted the Hokage all the way to her apartment, under orders of Jiraiya of course.
"You know he really does care," Shizune meekly said to Tsunade as she stepped into her apartment. Tsunade didn't answer, instead she darkly looked at Shizune and slammed the door in her face. A small 'eep' came from Shizune when the door was rudely shut in her face. Shizune closed her eyes and shook her head, the Hokage never would understand how much the toad Sage really did care about her.
Tsunade leaned her back against the door and sighed. She didn't understand what was going on. She had been so...so testy towards Jiraiya...why? Not even Tsunade knew the answer to that. Maybe it was some subconscious thing, who knows what it was? Maybe she didn't like him worrying so much about her, maybe she didn't like being babied. Yeah that's it, Tsunade decided at length.
Tsunade heavily sighed and let her body slide down the door, she extended her legs so she was sitting with them spread out in front of her. Tsunade leaned her head against the door and closed her eyes, trying to numb her senses so the pounding of her head would subside at least a little.
Tsunade growled to herself, she had almost perfectly anticipated the conversation she and Jiraiya had had, that was until he sprung the whole I'll be Hokage for the next couple of days thing. However Tsunade was glad that she hadn't anticipated that, glad she didn't know Jiraiya as well as she thought, glad she didn't know him like a lover. Tsunade should've been used to this by now, the thoughts, the actions, the situation, everything. It happened every time Jiraiya came back to report something, she would always feel as if they knew each other too well for their own good. But it did temporarily console her that she didn't know Jiraiya completely, that maybe he still had a few surprises left in store after all those years.
Tsunade pressed her palm against her forehead, she was thinking too hard, she was making a mountain out of a molehill. There was no reason to be concerned. Because the thing was Tsunade knew she was worried about something, but she just didn't know what she getting worked up about, she didn't have a clue what made her so worried. And maybe that was the part that unnerved her most, maybe she was afraid she was losing it, anything could happen, right?
"Ugh, just stop it. Why do I always get so...so worked up when he comes back? why do I worry so much? What is there to worry about? That I'll fall desperately in love with him and then he'll sweep me off my feet and ride away in the sunset?" Tsunade wryly laughed as the cynical words came from her mouth. Her words eased her mind a little more, no matter how dark and wry they may have been.
"I need some more sleep, maybe that will ease my mind a little," Tsunade wearily said after a wave of exhaustion and headaches hit her full on. She hadn't really noticed it, but now that she thought about it she was really tired, and her bed sounded really comfortable right now. The only thing was, she would have to get up and walk to her bed, something she didn't really want to deal with.
After a few minutes of arguing with herself Tsunade decided to just get up and go to bed, it's not like it was that long of a walk to her bedroom. Tsunade slowly pushed herself off of the wooden floor of her apartment. She walked to her bedroom and basically plopped down onto her bed. She didn't even bother to pull the covers up over her body before she drifted into a restless and shallow sleep.
…
That day Tsunade slept the day away, however her sleep was shallow and restless, she was periodically waking up due to dreams or rather more, nightmares. Through all the dreams she had one that stood out in particular, and not in a good way. This dream disturbed her on a whole new level, it was like nothing she had ever experienced before. It was the kind of dream that crawled under your skin and somehow managed to completely screw up your sanity, or in some cases the little sanity you have left.
The dream started out with Tsunade, alone in a completely white room. She was sitting in a wooden chair and was staring into a mirror. She saw herself in the mirror, but she looked older, more tired and less youthful than usual. There were black, heavily defined black bags under her eyes and wrinkles cascaded her skin. Tsunade blankly looked into the mirror, her eyes searching feverishly for something.
Suddenly the image in the mirror started to swirl and take a new shape. The shape of a young man. A young Konoha ninja with long hair and sparkling eyes full of life and dreams. It was a face and name Tsunade knew all too well from her long treasured and unforgotten memories.
"Dan," Tsunade breathlessly whispered. Dan looked at her coldly, with no love, no respect, no nothing, just a blank stare.
"Tsunade, have you forgotten about me? I may be dead but I still love you the same. This Jiraiya man, do you love him?" Dan asked, his face turning from a blank stare to a mournful face filled with regrets.
"N-no Dan. I love you, I really do. Believe me...Jiraiya is nothing, please Dan. Don't say that," Tsunade whispered, she felt as if she had just been stabbed in the heart. She began to sob, tears streamed down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands, afraid to look into the mirror, afraid of what she might see.
"Are you sure...he seems to love you."
"No! We are colleagues...nothing more and nothing less. I will never love anyone but you...you Dan! I love you!"
"You know each other like lovers do. You can predict all of your conversations, you know what he will say and what you will say in response. Why are doing this to me Tsunade? I love you."
"I-I love you to, please Dan," Tsunade croaked, burying her face even further into her hands, too ashamed to look up at her lover's image.
"You loved me, but now I'm nothing more than a memory of the past. You don't have to tell me, you don't have to admit it to yourself, we both know its the truth," Dan said his voice sad, it sounded as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Tsunade fell from her chair onto her knees. She held her face with her hands and sobbed harder than before.
That's when Tsunade woke with a start, her brow lined with a cold sweat and her body trembling and shaking. Her eyes were filled with fear and her mind filled with doubt. If Tsunade was the weak, cry baby type she probably would've bursted into tears by now, but she somehow held herself together even though there wasn't anyone for her to hold herself together for.
Tsunade got up and walked to the kitchen. She got a glass of water and a bottle of sleeping pills she only used in emergencies. This was an emergency, right? Of course it was, Tsunade reassured herself after taking two sleeping pills, twice the dosage recommended. Tsunade groggily walked back to her bedroom with the bottle of pills still in her hand, the sleeping pills already taking into affect. Tsunade lazily dropped the pills onto her nightstand and then pretty much collapsed onto her bed. She instantly fell into a deep, however artificially induced, sleep; but not before whispering, "I really do love you Dan."
So many thoughts that I can't
get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want to keep you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time