Undesired Romance

Chapter Four: A Gambling Chance

Your bottles almost empty

You know this can't go on

Because of you my mind is always racing

The needles breaking your skin

The scar is sinking in

And now your trip begins

It's all over for

It's all over for

You

That night Tsunade had that wretched Dan dream again, even with the help of the sleeping pills. And just like the night before, it stabbed her in the heart to see him walk away like that. It hurt her to hear him say she loved another man, she couldn't bear even the thought of it.

Tsunade groaned as she sat up in bed the next morning. It was just like the morning before; her head spun, her stomach lurched and she was sure that she wouldn't be able to take a step without falling on her face. However, as a precaution, the night before she had put the shoe box on the nightstand, just in case she needed it during the night.

Tsunade reached over for the box then paused, feeling something that had once been wet, but now was dry, on her cheeks for the first time since she woke up. She brought her hand up and wiped her cheeks, wondering what the liquid that had spilled on her cheeks was. She looked at her fingertips in a meticulous manner after she wiped her cheeks and carefully examined them. The liquid had been clear before it had dried. Tsunade sniffed it and then tasted it...it was salt water. Or in others words tears. Tsunade had been crying in her sleep.

'I had been crying...in my sleep? What is going on with me? What kind of wuss cries in their damn sleep?' Tsunade asked herself as she wiped her eyes clean of the dried tear stains. She closed her eyes, and immediately the painful images of that dream brilliantly flashed through the back of her mind. She felt like someone had just pierced her heart with a wooden stake, and she blamed it all on Jiraiya.

'I don't love him! We are friends, if that! We are colleagues, that's all. I'll never see him as anything more than an egg head perv! ' Tsunade defiantly thought to herself

'Then why can't you stop thinking of him? Huh, Tsunade. Come on face the facts,' the voice deep inside the back of her mind said with confidence.

'No I don't! I love Dan, I will only ever love Dan! That bastard Jiraiya, he always has to make everything hard for me! I'll show him! ' Tsunade yelled to herself in her mind as she reached out for the box and roughly pulled out one of the needles. She then roughly jabbed herself in the arm with the needle, the same exact spot as she had inserted it last time. This time, however she didn't shake from her fear of blood, she didn't think about how dangerous this could get if I turned into a cycle. She didn't care either, she just wanted to do something that would piss Jiraiya off, something to make him stop this whole thing. even if it really wasn't his fault at all.

Tsunade's body trembled some from the sudden rush of energy that now coursed through her body. She jumped off the bed, and this time she didn't fall or even miss step. Tsunade smiled, maybe this wasn't such a bad thing, with the sleeping pills she got a good enough sleep and the stimulants would allow her to forget about her problems and give her more than enough energy to work. Maybe this cycle thing wasn't so bad, being a medical-nin and all she knew the possible side affects, she knew the risks involved, but she really didn't care either. All the thoughts about not getting stuck in one of those vicious cycles were abandoned all in one fleeting moment. The surge of energy, the ability to sleep no matter how many nightmares she had, felt way too good to give up. No matter the risks or the cost.

Tsunade was almost tempted to reach for another needle once the initial rush had faded away. However, the voice in the back of her mind still had some control, and for once Tsunade listened to it. Tsunade looked at her hands, which were shaking slightly from all the sudden bursts of energy that ran wildly through her veins. Tsunade smiled, this was even better than Sake, maybe even better than gambling.

'I can't tell Shizune or Jiraiya about this. They'd worry too much.' Tsunade thought as she walked towards the kitchen to get some brunch, you could say. She looked at the clock and noticed it was already twelve o'clock in the afternoon. One of the only problems with the sleeping medication was that it made her sleep in extremely late. Something, that if she kept up would start to worry Shizune and maybe even Jiraiya. But that was something to worry about later.

'I'll try and go in the office, it's been three days. Surely he can't think a hangover can last that long, then again Jiraiya can be extremely overprotective. But I'll still try, I can't stand sitting here and doing nothing, not with all this extra energy I have from the stimulants.' Tsunade thought as she took a bite of her orange chicken.

After eating the rest of her orange chicken and fried rice, Tsunade had decided she would wait for Jiraiya to come to her, then ask him about coming into the office. Tsunade was for sure Jiraiya would come and check in the first time he could get away from Shizune. He was way too overprotective not to check in at least once a day, if not more.

Just as Tsunade had anticipated; thirty minutes later Jiraiya came over to make sure everything was okay.

"I'm surprised you came so late. It's almost three. So am I off parole today? Can I go back to work?" Tsunade said as Jiraiya sat down across from her.

"Yeah well this is the first time I could get away from Shizune. She thinks I'm lying when I say I'm coming to check up on you, ya know. And as for your last question...no," Jiraiya smirked, his eyes were watching her ever twitching fingers and her inability to stay still for even a second. His worry and concern overwhelmed him and consumed his mind. He tried to tell himself it was probably nothing; but something deep inside of him wouldn't let him think that. More than once he was tempted to ask Tsunade about her odd behavior, but then decided it would be best to observe her for awhile then decide accordingly from there. No matter how much it killed him to do nothing.

After awhile Jiraiya left, claiming Shizune would be getting worried and angry that he had left her with all the work. Jiraiya left with more questions and worries than he had originally came with, and didn't really get anything done for the rest of the day. Instead he just worried about Tsunade and all the stupid, life threatening things she could've been doing right then.

Once Jiraiya had left Tsunade had resigned to watch one those funny, yet really pointless late night comedies until twelve. After that she fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up after dreaming about Dan again; making it the third time she's had that dream it in a row. Tsunade then went to bed, but not before taking two more sleeping pills.

The days that followed went in the same order. Tsunade would get up around twelve at the earliest. She'd take a stimulant dose, then get some lunch. Soon after lunch Jiraiya would come and check on her, and every time she asked if she could go back in, he would always tell her no for some reason or another. They'd have a short conversation then he'd leave, claiming Shizune would get mad if he kept her waiting any longer. After that Tsunade would watch TV until she was ready for bed, and every night she would dream about Dan and she would even cry in her sleep on occasions. And the more she cried in her sleep and dreamed about Dan, the more she utterly despised Jiraiya. Yet somehow, whether she liked it or not, she began to fall for him and think about him more often. However, the more she thought about him, the more she couldn't help but hate Jiraiya with every fiber of her being.

Jiraiya couldn't help but always notice Tsunade's every growing jumpy and erratic behavior. As a result every time Jiraiya came back to the office he would ask Shizune about the side effects of the cycle she described when he had first asked her. Every time he asked, she would tell him the same thing and every time he got even more worried for his dear friend, and every time Tsunade slipped even more into the cycle. By the end of the week she was up to four sleeping pills at night and two stimulants during the day.

She was slowly losing it, her mind. She would watch romance movies and cruelly laugh. Always saying how no man cold be trusted; stating that men would either do two things: die when you most needed them, or make you fall in love with them when you need...no, have to love someone else. Tsunade would laugh when she injected herself with the stimulant, loving the way the sudden bursts of energy felt. Tsunade had become even found a way to become more cynical and negative than usual and showed an abnormally violent intolerance for Jiraiya. She would go to sleep sometimes thinking about how much she hated him for everything that had gone wrong in her life. She even dreamed of killing him every once and awhile. In short, the hatred consumed her like a disease of madness and insanity.

Sometimes Tsunade would just sit on the couch and think about killing him. A hobby that deeply and utterly scared the voice deep inside her mind, the only sane part of her left. It was scary how fast Tsunade had gone from the mostly sane Hokage to an insane maniac consumed with hating someone she loved deep down inside. However, Jiraiya would never guess she despised him so much; she hid it so well, he would never be able guess her secret thoughts.

One night Tsunade was watching a romance and as usual she was laughing at how pathetic the not-so-heroine was. That's when she smiled in a maniacal fashion and suddenly realized how close love and hate really were. Over the years the line between the two had become nothing more than a weak pencil sketch on a flimsy piece of paper, as it did for any good shinobi over time.

She constantly thought about Jiraiya; about how he made her stomach spin and her head go dizzy. How when she thought about how much she wanted him dead, about how much easier it would be, her heart would race with excitement. About how her lips would tingle when she thought of a new way to insult him, to torture him. All the things that happened in romance novels happened to Tsunade, the only difference was she hated him, with a passion. A sick, deep passion. A passion that had been born and manifested in such an unusually short period of time, perhaps it was the effects of the cycle. But Tsunade didn't care anymore, she didn't care about anything but her love for Dan and her hatred for Jiraiya.

However, there was one thing that Tsunade had never counted on; that no one ever could. What if you fell so deep into hate that the line between love and hate got so blurred that the person you hated the most, somehow became the person you loved the most? Or what if the person you hate is really the person you love, but you're afraid to admit to yourself? Tsuande refused to accept the reality of either of these possible outcomes, not for her anyways. Maybe some other weak-minded sap, but not her, never her. Tsunade didn't even care about either of those options, she just knew she severely hated Jiraiya. And that there was no love in equation, not between her and Jiraiya.

All that Jiraiya knew was that Tsunade was in bad shape. He knew nothing of how much she despised him, or at least how much she told herself she did. He knew nothing of her nightmares or dreams. He knew of none of it, and Tsunade was thankful to the heavens for that.

After it had been a week of no work for Tsunade and her twitching, odd (and even somewhat cold) behavior had only increased, Jiraiya decided to talk to Tsunade about it. It was time someone told her how stupid she was being, that was if she was doing what Jiraiya thought she was doing.

It was two when Jiraiya arrived and he was extremely nervous about how Tsunade was going to take what he was going to say to her. When he walked into the apartment Tsunade was sitting on one of the small couches, practically glaring at Jiraiya.

"Can I go back to the office?" Tsunade said, struggling to sound at least a little inviting. Her hand rested on her crossed knee and her fingers strummed across her pant leg.

"No...Tsunade. I've been worried about you," Jiraiya said, sitting down at his usual place across from Tsunade.

"Why?" Tsunade sharply asked.

"You're always so...it's hard to explain. But you can't seem to stand still, and those bags under your eyes, and you just don't seem yourself."

"I'm fine dammit," Tsunade snapped.

"And that! You snap at me, but I never did anything! You're not okay Tsunade! I know what's going on and you have to stop this! This...this cycle, you take sleeping meds to sleep, then you take stimulants to wake you up. I see the damn needles and the sleeping pills on your nightstand, you can't hide it from me! Do you know how dangerous that is? Do you know how many people are worried about you? If you keep this up, I will have no choice but to report you to the village elders. Don't make me do that," Jiraiya practically yelled, jumping out of his seat, his voice overflowed with concern and worry.

"I don't give a fuck, Jiraiya. Just let me be, let me go back to my damn work. It's been a week since the hangover. I'm fine."

"This isn't about the hangover anymore. I don't know how long you've been in this cycle but it has to stop, you'll kill yourself if your not careful."

"Why should you care?" Tsunade slightly pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest.

"B-because I care about you, that's why. And your body can't take much more of this, Tsunade your losing yourself."

"Why do you care about me? Huh?" Tsunade yelled, her eyes dangerously flashed as she stood up.

"B-because maybe I love you. Have you ever thought of that?"

"No. Because I hate you," Tsunade plainly said. Suddenly she began to laugh, she sounded more like a madman than a Hokage, "Funny, how close love and hate are too each other. Of course I've realized this before, but it just gets funnier every time I think about it. You just wanna kiss me, I just wanna stab you. You wanna love me, I wanna hate you. Love and hate are so alike yet so different, kinda like us. Now please leave Jiraiya. I can and will take care of myself."

"Don't you see this? You're going insane! You need help Tsunade! This will ruin you, it already has, dammit!"

"You're the son of a bitch who drove me to this Jiraiya! It was you and only you! I fuckin' hate you!" Tsunade yelled.

"Y-you can't mean that...please Tsunade. Think about what you're saying, just think!"

"I am! Please, just leave," Tsunade sighed, pointing towards the door.

"Tsunade..."

"Just go! I promise I'll be fine now go, Shizune will get pissed."

"Shizune can wait, you can't-"

"Go the hell away!" Tsunade roared, stamping her foot on the ground, making the whole apartment shake.

"Fine! Whatever, I don't give a fuck anymore Tsunade. You might as well kill yourself while your at it, see if I give a shit! Just see!" Jiraiya yelled, mournfully looking at her and realizing this was one fight he couldn't win. He looked at her one last time before leaving and slamming the door shut. Tsunade growled to herself as tears began to form in her eyes. She desperately needed stimulants, or so she thought. The only problem was she had already had two..but not like Tsunade actually cared. It's not like one more would kill her or anything.

Tsunade wiped her tears as she walked into her bedroom and took a needle from the long shoebox. She looked at the door and her body began to tremble morew violently than before.

"Why are you doing this? I'm supposed to hate you, why are you making me love you? WHY? I should hate you, despise you! And usually I do, but sometimes I-i can't help but love you, why? I'm supposed to love Dan," Tsunade whispered her voice shook with a mixture of grief and fury. Her fist clenched tightly into a ball as she smashed her nightstand into a million pieces with her enhanced strength. She looked down at her arm and grimaced, could she handle three? Was Jiraiya maybe right? No, of course not.

'I'm going to do this to prove him wrong. I can handle this, I don't him to babysit me, I won't kill myself. I'm stronger than that.' Tsunade wryly thought as she roughly shoved the needle under her skin and smiled as the rush of new found energy took over her senses. She pulled out the needle and gently rubbed the purple spot where she had injected herself so many times over the past week or so. She discarded the needle and then walked to the living room to turn on the TV and see if anything interesting was on.

All of a sudden her vision spun out of control and her mind hazed over. Tsunade grabbed onto the back of the couch for support, in a desperate plea for help. Although it didn't help her much since her grip on the couch came undone and her legs spontaneously gave way under her weight. Perhaps three was too many; however, there was no going back and not like Tsunade could really give a shit either way.

Tsunade collapsed onto the floor into a lifeless heap and her head sharply slammed against the floor with a smack. Her stomach lurched and she couldn't feel her legs at all. Soon enough her vision went black and she felt completely cold and alone, but to Tsunade that wasn't always a bad thing. After several long, agonizing seconds of the impenetrable darkness she liked to call home, she heard people rush into the room. Tsunade could hear a mob of soft footsteps and murmurs and whispers and voices full of concern. After what felt like a hundred years she faintly heard someone from above her say, "She's still alive!" After that her hearing went along with everything else. She had completely slipped into a dangerous state of unconsciousness by the time a group of medical-nin had arrived to get her stable and into the hospital.

I know what runs through your blood

You do this all in vein

Because of you

My mind is always racing

And it gets under my skin

to see you giving in

And now your trip begins

It's all over for

It's all over for

you