Sorry this chapter took so long! I spent a while reworking where I wanted this chapter to go and then finally just started writing and let it take me where it took me. xD
Thank you to everyone for the faves/alerts! And especially thank you for your kind reviews. I promise I'm not going to go this long without updating again!
Without further ado, I give you chapter 3. :)
Blaine stood from the toilet and flushed, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth. He grimaced when it came back with a warm, moist residue on it. Yanking on the faucets, he began to clean up, methodically scrubbing his hands with suds and warm water. He caught a glimpse of his reflection, frowning at the smears of his dinner on his chin and collar of his shirt.
He stripped off his blazer, tie, and uniform shirt, placing them in a neat pile on the edge of the sink after washing off residual mess. He turned toward the shower but caught sight of his bare torso in the mirror. A frown scrunched his face as he ran a thumb along his hip and stomach, watching the way his skin pulled. He pinched the soft flesh of his abdomen, frowning at the thickness of it. After three years, he really wished that it wasn't so thick. Sure there had been times when he hadn't been able to purge or had been so worried about getting caught that he hadn't purged it all, but he still thought he'd be lean by now. Maybe he should go back to soccer or at least work out with the team. He released his skin and twisted the shower handles.
Grey trousers were shucked and joined the pile of clothes before Blaine adjusted the water's temperature, shed his boxers, and stepped in. The warm spray soothed his tight muscles. He was always tense after eating. Sometimes the purging helped; today it had made it worse. The only other time purging had actually made him feel worse was the day he'd met Kurt. In fact, he didn't even purge at all that day. He'd gone to, but the idea made him tense – nervous. So, he had taken a shower and gone to bed.
The effect Kurt had on him had not gone unnoticed. Generally, it was easier to eat with Kurt around. He panicked less, could go longer without purging, and could purge less to achieve calm again.
Blaine let out a long, slow breath, ducking his head to let the water break apart the gel in his hair. He knew that he would be okay eventually, but he also realized he wasn't okay now. At first, he hadn't thought there was anything wrong with it, thought that it wasn't actually bulimia. But he didn't tell anyone because he knew that they would think it was and try to make him get help he didn't think he needed. Then he'd started googling ways to make sure he got everything back up and he'd been linked to a site with "pro-bulimia tips". He couldn't deny it then. That didn't mean there was anything wrong with it though.
But now he was starting to worry. He hadn't thought it would take this long to be satisfied with his weight and appearance and he was concerned about being able to stop when the time came. "I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it," he mumbled before finishing his shower.
He twisted the shower off and grabbed a towel to dry himself. Now clean, and clothed in sweats, he returned his salt to its drawer. Blaine had lucked up: his roommate was almost never in the room so never caught him purging. When he'd asked Blaine about the salt the first week they roomed together, he completely accepted that it was because Blaine was worried about an electrolyte imbalance from sweating so much during soccer.
Blaine flopped on his stomach onto his bed, trying to fight off the urge to go back into the bathroom and puke his guts out. He knew that there was nothing left but still felt uneasy. His eyes strayed to the bathroom door, looking where he kept his shaving kit in the far left corner. He'd never intentionally hurt himself before, but he'd heard that it helped calm you down. Something about releasing endorphins and giving you a natural high. "Just once," he breathed. "Just to see."
He shoved himself up and walked into the small bathroom again, hand hovering above his shaving kit. His heart raced. He could feel the blood coursing through him turn cold, not wanting to leave its safe track. He withdrew his hand as though it had been burned. 'No…. I'll try not purging tomorrow.'
The door slammed shut behind Kurt as he entered his dorm. His heart raced. He gasped at shallow breaths. He couldn't manage a good lungful of air. He sat heavily on the bed, fumbled with his phone. His fingers refused to listen to his brain so he could unlock the damn thing. He finally realized that he was shaking.
"Breath, Kurt. Breathe," he reminded himself. He screwed his eyes shut, fisted his hands into his comforter, and sucked in as deep a breath as he could. After counting evenly to five, he forced out the breath in five more counts. He kept up this process (in for five counts, out for five counts, in five, out five, in…., out…..) until he felt his heart rate returning to normal and his muscles relaxing of their own accord.
"Okay, he's bulimic. You can deal with this. He probably needs help." 'Great, now you're talking to yourself.'
Kurt wouldn't deny that he could understand some of what Blaine must be feeling. He'd had his own battle with an eating disorder last year shortly after sectionals. After researching the medical risks, he freaked out over how his father would react if he lost him. That hadn't been enough though. The final push that ended his anorexia was Mercedes' pep talk last year with the Cheerios before singing "Beautiful". But no one had ever confronted him about it, so he wasn't sure how to go about confronting Blaine.
"Google time," he muttered while his computer booted up. He quickly keyed in how to confront a bulimic friend. Skimming through the results, he saw a link to a forum. Recover Your . He hovered the mouse over the link for a moment, then clicked. A pale blue page popped up with a logo across the top. All the boxes and text were in various tints of blue and white with minimal black. The post loaded and was fairly short:
hey im usually on the bully threads but my friend is bulimic and wont see a doctor. i was wondering if/how I should bring it up. im not good at confrontations :s
The thread had four replies but Kurt didn't read them, figuring they wouldn't aid him. He clicked back to the main ED Discussion thread and scrolled through for a topic that sounded similar to his situation. After reaching the bottom of the fourth page, he leaned back in his chair. All the threads he'd clicked on had been concerning counseling confrontations or getting on the path to recovery. All of them already knew that their friend was struggling.
His eyes scanned the page for a log-in button and found it in the top right corner. Under the username/password boxes was a link that read New member? Kurt clicked the link. A window with several blank boxes popped up. The first requested a username, then a password, email address, etcetera. His long fingers clacked on the keyboard as he filled in the information, saving the screen name for last. After considering it for a few minutes, an idea struck him. All the information filled in, he clicked submit.
Ping! One new email.
Welcome to Recover Your Life, WarblerEnVogue.
A strange excitement coursed through him as Kurt closed his email and clicked New Topic on the ED forums.
Subject: Need help confronting a friend.
Kurt noticed a pull-down menu labeled warnings. Out of curiosity, he clicked it. Positive recovery post. Triggering (ED). Possibly triggering. He hesitated. 'Better safe than sorry.' He highlighted the last choice, though he wasn't sure what it meant.
He tabbed to the content box and began typing.
I don't know the proper etiquette for all this, so bear with me. I'm concerned that my friend is bulimic. He's been losing weight, which is what made me start worrying. I went to confront him about that and heard him throwing up (this was about 30 minutes after we'd had dinner).
What I want to know is how should I confront him? He tends to close off to people about personal topics but I want to help. Any sage advice?
After rereading his post, Kurt clicked submit. He opened his trig book, deciding to get some homework done while he waited for a reply.
He finished the first set of problems and checked on his post. To his surprise, three people had already commented. He quickly read all of them.
cheshirecat46
I see you joined today so welcome to ryl. First your friend is lucky to have someone like you that cares. I'd suggest doing it at a neutral time (not near a meal). Make sure it's just the 2 of you! And just confront him about the weight first. Tell him your worried. if you can get him comfortable talking about that, then ask him about purging.
Good luck!
jeremyhk
confront him alone cuz it'll b easier 4 him. but b direct! try 2 phrase it so he cant find a loop hole. n don't get angry!
Xsolorant
Ches and Jeremy are both right. Definitely make sure it's just the two of you. Think of it from his PoV – someone knows his secret and it sounds like he doesn't share much. He's gonna be scared and maybe angry. And he'll probably try to leave but don't let him. Even if you have to sit in front of the door. If he's been purging for a long time, his reaction will probably be more intense. I advise to tell him what you know. Don't ask him. Tell him what you think and why.
Most importantly: make sure he knows you won't abandon him because of this!
Good luck. PM me if you have any other questions. And let us know how it goes. :)
Kurt rubbed at his eyes, feeling them prickle. He hadn't expected that kind of response. He clicked on Xsolorant's name and was taken to the profile. A small window popped up in the center of his internet browser telling him that he had a private message from Xsolorant. He clicked it open.
Just clarifying: Don't let him leave but don't get violent or physical with him if he does. Passive aggressive works better. And try not to get angry. Be forceful. If you do get angry, tell him how worried you are.
Xsolo
Thanks. I don't know how long he's been bulimic. I've only known him for a few months but I realized that he's always had the same routine concerning meals. He always goes to the bathroom after eating. We never hang out right after meals. It's always an hour or so later.
Should I tell one of his older friends?
Warbler
No! You need to be the one to talk to him. Maybe they know anyway? But it'd hurt him if you told someone else. And yeah he's probably been doing it for a while then. Look out for signs of SI.
Xsolo
Good point.
What's SI?
Warbler
Self injury – cutting, burning, biting, etc.
Xsolo
Oh sweet teapot dwarf I hadn't thought about that!
Warbler
It's not uncommon or them to go hand-in-hand. Can ou think of any reason for him to feel some kind of self hate beyond body issues?
Also – teapot dwarf? Guessing you aren't religious. lol
Xsolo
Kurt hesitated with his next reply. He'd never been one to reach out on the internet. How would this cyber-stranger react?
He and I are both gay.
Warbler
Oh. Unfortunately self hate is really common in the gay community. Though you probably know that.
And that would explain the teapot dwarf. Don't blame you.
Xsolo
As long as I've known him, he's been out and proud. First week we knew each other, he helped me confront a closeted bully.
Warbler
Doesn't mean he's not putting up a front. Regardless, there's gotta be a deeper psychological reason. May not make sense to you, but emotional disorders aren't very logical, and there's a good chance this is as much an emotional disorder as an eating disorder.
Xsolo
Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for all your help.
Warbler
knock knock! "Hey, Kurt!" Blaine's voice greeted.
"Just a second!"
Well good luck. Let me know it goes, kay? I'll be making sacrifices to the teapot dwarf for you. ;P
Xsolo
Kurt quickly logged out of his computer and closed it before walking to the door. A deep breath and he wrenched it open. Blaine stood in the doorway, a small smile on his lips. "Hey," Kurt stepped to one side. "Come in."
The shorter of the boys walked into the room and turned to lean his backside on the top of the desk. "So, I was wondering if you wanted to go to a movie with me Friday night." His voice raised in pitch at the end, turning the statement into a question.
"What movie?" Kurt spoke over the click of his door lock.
"Now don't laugh—" Kurt cut him off with a raised eyebrow. "The King's Speech."
Kurt couldn't prevent the scoff. "You just want to ogle Colin Firth because you have some reverse-Lolita complex."
"You know me well." Blaine grinned. "So you gonna join me?" He pressed his palms firmly onto the desktop to push his torso forward. One triangular eyebrow was raised, but Kurt refused to meet his eyes.
A tense silence settled over them. Blaine shifted his center of gravity back to his rump on the desktop and drew his brows together in worry at the lack of response.
Kurt took a deep breath and slowly walked over to his friend, stopping just inside arm's reach. "You're my best friend, Blaine," he said while reaching his right hand out, palm down. He kept his gaze on the stings of the other's hoodie.
Blaine quickly responded, grabbing hold of Kurt's outstretched right hand with his own and pulling him closer with an easy smile. "Well good, 'cause you're mine too."
"Then, can I ask you something?"
"Of course," his voice dropped to just more than a whisper. Kurt was close enough now to smell the mint of his toothpaste.
In an act of bravery he wasn't feeling, Kurt slid his fingers through Blaine's darker ones. He took a moment to marvel in the contrast of their hands. Not just the color – but the texture and size. Blaine's hands were large and square, rough with calluses where Kurt's were slender and oval, soft from his nightly moisture routine.
"You can ask me anything, Kurt," Blaine prompted after a moment of silence.
Nobody pushes the Hummels around. He heard his dad's voice encouraging him. Kurt's eyes slid up Blaine's arms and shoulders, not quite big enough to fill out the sweatshirt properly, and finally met his friend's gaze. "How long have you been bulimic?"
http : / www . recoveryourlife . com
I apologize for the cliffhanger but it seemed like too good of a place to stop! But you'll get the full confrontation in the next chapter, dearies. :) And besides, with no new glee on Tuesday, I'll have nothing else to do for an hour but write! xD