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Dreaming Reality
Pieces of paper were scattered around B.J's cot. All of them were letters from Peg. Some were just simply telling him what she and Erin had been up to. While other were about how much she missed him... How she hated sleeping alone at night... How every time Erin did something new, her happiness was quickly followed with heartbreak because he wasn't there to share it with her.
He needed this connection; he needed to see her words of love for him. He had made a mistake with Carrie Donovan, one that haunted him from the moment it happened. He had leaned to put it behind him because he had always planned on spending the rest of his life making it up to Peg, but now that was impossible.
He didn't want to think about that...he wanted to do what Father Mulcahy had told him and think about the good times.
He wanted to the remember the night they had got engaged; how he had proposed during a picnic on the beach under the stars...How on the way home, it started to rain but Peg insisted they walked.
He wanted to remember the day when he returned home from work to find his wife, wearing her best dress surrounded by candles and his favorite dinner on the table. That was the night she had told him she was pregnant.
He wanted to remember all those times, how their hands always seemed to find each others as if magnetic. How whenever, they looked at one another, they couldn't help but smile. How she always knew when he was having a bad day and he always knew how to get her to open when she was sad.
He wanted to be remember how his heart had threatened to burst with joy, the day their daughter was born and all he could do was watch as Peg held Erin for the first time with tears in his eyes.
He picked up another letter, his eyes scanning the words and he tried to smile at the story of how Erin had empty her bowl of jello on her head but he couldn't. Sighing, he dropped the letter and let it float down onto the cot.
When he stood up, he caught sight of his reflection in the small mirror that was on the stove. He didn't look like the same man he was when he back home in Mill Valley. He ran a hand over his face, brushing his fingers over his mustache. The truth was, he wanted to be a different man in Korea. He didn't want to be a father, husband or son. He couldn't always separate that life while he lived in Korea but he never wanted to take the horrors he had seen home with him.
He moved back over to his cot, picked up his wash bag and headed for the door. He was relieved to see that the rain had caused the compound to be practically empty. He quickly made his way to the shower stalls. He just couldn't face talking to anyone. He didn't want to hear how sorry people were.
B.J went straight back to the swamp after his shower and pulled out his shaving kit. He stared into the mirror as he shaved off the mustache; hoping he would be able to see the man he had been when he first arrived.
"Captain?" Klinger knocked as the door before opening it.
"Not for much longer." He mumbled to himself, not taking his eyes off the mirror.
"The first plane I could get you on is tomorrow morning at 9am from Kimpo." Klinger informed him stepping fully into the Swamp.
B.J stopped shaving and turned to look at Klinger.
"I'm sorry, Sir...I did try to get you out of here tonight but there just wasn't any spaces left..."
"No, no, tomorrow is fine." B.J told him and stepped back so he could sit down on his cot. "It's just...I cannot believe I am actually getting out here."
There was a long silence; Klinger wanted to tell him how sorry he was but didn't want to get the words wrong.
Sighing, B.J stood up and returned to shaving. "Thanks, Klinger."
"Sir?" He hesitated. "I want too..I mean..."
"Wanted to what?"
"Well, you know me, Sir...You know how much I want out of here." Klinger started. "The thing is, I've met a few people over here, who I think deserve to be state side more then me... You have always been one of them."
B.J was touched by the Corporal's admission. Sometimes, he forgot how big Klinger's heart really was.
"I'd try anything to be sent home...anything but this...I know when my wife divorced me, it didn't just break my heart, it tore out my soul too..." Klinger continued. "I can't imagine what this feels like for you."
"Dull." B.J surprised himself by admitting. "Everything, just feels, dull...unreal... everything is in slow motion."
"I really am sorry, Sir." Klinger told him, sadly. "You're the last person that deserves this."
For what felt like the hundredth time that day, B.J's eyes filled with tears and he had to turn away, so Klinger didn't see them.
"Uh, well, I should get back to my paperwork." Klinger said, sensing that the Captain would prefer to be alone.
"Thanks, Klinger."
"Any time, Sir."
B.J closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his emotions. After a few seconds, he moved back to the mirror and picked up his razor again. Once he was finished, he stare at himself. He looked cleaner and tidier then he did a hour ago but it didn't make him feel any better. In fact, he felt worse...
XxXxX
Colonel Potter stood in the door to the swamp and looked around sadly. This tent wasn't going to be the same once B.J had left. His eyes landed on the Captain, himself, who was curled up on his cot, asleep. He noticed that B.J had shaved off his mustache, and Potter was surprised at how young, he looked. He sighed, remembering that he was only young. He wasn't even 30 years old yet. His birthday was two months away but they were planning on throwing him a big party a month early so he'd be surprise. He tried to remember what he was doing when he was 30 years old.
Potter stepped fully into the swamp and heard glass crunching underneath his boots. Glancing down he saw, what he guessed was the remains of a Martini glass. He thought back to when B.J had received that letter from his wife telling him about her meeting with Radar. How the captain had gone on a rampage, smashing up the skill and punching Hawkeye. Potter just hoped that will not be the case this time...There was a little girl back in Mill Valley that needed her Father to hold it together.
"Hunnicutt." Potter moved closer to the cot and reached down to shake his arm gently. "Hunnicutt?"
B.J sat up quickly, looking around startled.
"I'm sorry to wake you, son but I wanted to see how you were doing."
B.J swung his legs over the edge of the cot and rubbed his eyes. "I don't know...I guess, I'm okay."
Potter nodded a little and sat down beside him. "I brought you some sandwiches from the Mess."
"No, thanks, Margaret already brought me lunch." B.J only glanced at the package the Colonel held out to him.
"That was seven hours ago," Potter informed him and then gestured to the full tray of food that was on the floor. "And you didn't eat any of it."
B.J turned and looked outside, surprised to see that it was dark; the whole day seemed to have past by without him noticing.
"I know it must be hard but you should eat something." Potter told him. "You need your strength."
B.J stayed silent, he knew Potter was only trying to help but the last thing he wanted to do was to eat something that was likely to increase the pain he was already feeling deep down in his stomach.
"Klinger has the every thing ready for you to leave tomorrow." Potter placed the sandwiches on the cot. "Do you need help getting your stuff together?"
B.J ran a hand over his tired eyes. "I always hated packing."
"Me too." Potter replied. "Had to get use to it since I was in the army."
"You have to get used a to a lot things when you are in the army."
There was a silence that fell over them and Potter watched B.J closely.
"Go ahead, ask me." He told the Captain.
B.J glanced at him. "Colonel?"
"Ask me." He repeated.
"How could you choose this life instead of one with your family?" B.J asked. He had always wanted to know, since he knew Potter was a family man but he didn't want the Colonel to think he was judging him.
Potter had been waiting for B.J to ask this question since the first time they met. There were times when he knew the question was on the tip of the Captain's tongue but he never did.
"I was in the army long before I was married..."
"Yeah but you don't need to be here." B.J cut in. "You could have gone home."
"The army is in my blood, B.J...I know that must be hard for you to understand but I come from a different time." He tried to explain. "I've been apart of horrific wars and while people may think I'm crazy for choosing to live through another...I cannot help but think that my place is here, where I can do some good."
"For what it's worth, Colonel, I am glad that you are here." B.J told him. "You've certainly made life here easier."
"Thank you, Son, that means a lot." Potter said, tearful. "You know, in a lot of ways I've been very lucky."
"How so?" B.J questioned.
"Not only was I luckily enough to find a woman like, Mildred and to have a wonderful family with her but I also got a second family too." Potter explained. "Right here, in the middle of Korea and I wasn't even looking for it."
B.J smiled a little, he understood what the Colonel was saying. If anyone asked him to describe the people he had met at the 4077th, the only word that seemed fitting, was family.
"When I was first assigned here, all I wanted to do was do my duty to the best of my ability and finish my serves so I can retire to an easy life back in Missouri." Potter continued. "There have been many of times when I've been offered a state-side position...many of times when I've almost accepted but in the end I just couldn't leave you people...I know, my own family is waiting for me back home but I felt that my family here needed me more...That's why I stayed."
There was another silence and B.J thought about how the Colonel would probably be the best person to talk to. He was married and had children. He understood what it was like to be away from them for a long time.
"How do I go home?" B.J asked, quietly.
Potter frowned at the question. "I thought Klinger had explained..."
"No, not that...I mean, I'm here right now and from the second I said goodbye to Peg and Erin back in the States, I've been wishing I was there," B.J stood up and started to pace a little. "I have wanted it so badly that I don't know what to expect."
"Everyone has a little trouble adjusting when they return home."
"And how do you adjust to being a widower?"
"I really don't know, Son." Potter sighed. "All I can say is think of Erin...It's going to be tough to get through...a lot tougher then what you've been through here and when it does get like that...when you need a reason to get out of bed in the morning...then think of Erin."
"I just... I keep forgetting...not for very long, for like a minute, I forget but then I remember and it's like some stabbing me in the heart." He told Potter. "I just doesn't seem real and I don't know when it will feel real enough for me to deal with it... How can I be a good Father to Erin when I'm living in a world of disbelief?"
"You'll get there." Potter stood up. "With the help of your friends and family...You'll get there."
"We had so many plans." B.J whispered.
"B.J, Peg would not want you to be sad for the rest of your life...She loved you, just like you loved her. If something were to have happened to you over here, would you want her to mourn you for the rest of her life?" Potter questioned. "I know, I'd want Mildred to carry on with living."
"You have a really strong marriage, don't you, Colonel?"
"Best thing I did in my life was marry that girl."
"Have you ever had any...slip ups?" B.J asked.
Potter looked at him surprise, not expecting that question. "You mean, have I never been unfaithful?"
"I shouldn't have asked..." B.J shook his head and started to pace again. "I'm sorry, that was out of order."
"Once." Potter admitted.
B.J stopped moving again and just looked at him.
"And that was dumbest thing, I've ever done in my life." Potter continued. "It was just one night but it's one I'm going to regret for the rest of my life."
"And Mildred forgave you?"
"Never told her...but I think, she has always known." Potter said. "But believe me, I was hard enough on myself for the both of us."
The Colonel watched B.J closely for a few seconds.
"B.J? Did you make a mistake too?" He asked. He would have never have guessed; B.J was furiously loyal and devoted to his wife but Potter knew there must have been a reason why the Captain had asked.
B.J sat down heavily on his cot and covered his face with his hands before nodding silently.
"And what did Peg say when you told her?"
"What makes you think I told her?" B.J asked, removing his hands but still didn't look up.
"I may not have known your wife but I do know you." Potter told him. "I've seen what being apart from her did to you... Keep a secret like that, would have torn you apart."
B.J sighed and brushed some tears of his face. "I wasn't going too...Hawkeye said... He said I would just be hurting her and he was right but then a few days later, Radar had managed to get a line through to her and she could just tell there was something wrong... I could never hide anything from her."
"So, you told her over the phone? What did she say?"
"She...she cried." Tears filled B.J's eyes again at the thought of it. "She tried to hide it...tried to tell me she understood but I knew...she was crying and there was nothing I could do to comfort her."
"When did all these happen?"
"A while ago, before Margaret got married."
"And tell me, did she ever mention the word, divorce?"
"Never."
"Did she say, she forgave you?"
"Yes."
"More then once?"
"Yes."
"Then you need to forgive yourself, Son." Potter reached out and squeezed his shoulder gently. "I spoke to Mildred earlier, and she told me about the time she met Peg at the reunion party...she said, all she talked about was you...she loved you...she missed you... she wasn't thinking about the mistake you made...all she thought about was you getting home safe."
B.J couldn't hold it together any longer and broke down. Potter placed an arm around the captain, knowing that he needed to let it all out.
"Why do I feel like I'm being punished?" He asked between sobs
"Now you listen to me! You're good man! You've saved lives here, you don't deserve any of this...you deserve to live your life with the lady you love and watch your children grow."
"Then why is this happening?"
"I don't know, Son...Maybe that's a question best left to the Predre." Potter sighed softly.
The Colonel didn't know long how they stayed like that. All he could do was sit and hold B.J while he cried over his broken heart.
B.J finally pulled away and rubbed his eyes, then turned to Potter. "Thanks, Colonel.."
"Any time, Son..any time." He told him. "I left Margaret, Klinger and Father Mulcahy playing cards in my office... Why don't we go and join them for a few hands of poker."
"I think I'd rather stay here."
"If you're worried about seeing everyone then don't be...Winchester is on duty in Post-Op and everyone else is in the Mess tent watching a movie."
"Where's Hawkeye?" B.J suddenly realized he hadn't seen his friend since breakfast.
"Hawkeye?"
"Yeah, where is he? You said Charles is on duty...the others playing cards...Where Hawkeye?" B.J questioned. "I haven't seen him all day."
"He hasn't stopped by?" Potter asked in surprise.
"Margaret and Klinger were here earlier...even Winchester offered his condolences." B.J told him. "Hawkeye's meant to be my best friend and he can't be bothered to be here on the worse day of my life."
"I'm sure he wants to be but he doesn't know what to say."
"Yeah, well never do I but I have to be here."
"I'll go and find him..."
"Don't bother..." B.J led down on his cot. "I'm going to get an early night."
"B.J..."
"I really appreciate you being here tonight, Colonel." B.J cut him off but then turned so his back was to Potter. "Good night."
"Good night..." Potter said quietly, a small frown on his face. He waited for a minute but when it was obvious that B.J wasn't going to say no more, he turned and headed out of the tent.
He needed to find Hawkeye.
TBC
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