Shepard's mind had been on the edge of consciousness for what felt like hours. In her bed, she shifted uncomfortably. It seemed to her that the moment she thought she would find sleep was the moment somewhere on her body would start to ache. She turned again, trying not to disturb Thane, who looked like a drell statue. He lay there flat on his back, arms at his sides. How is he even comfortable? Shepard wondered. She was strictly a side-sleeper. She wondered for a moment if that's what her problem was. She looked at her alarm clock for the time, it read 02:00. She'd been at this for two hours. Shepard twisted over, laying on her stomach, and shoving her pillow into an acceptable shape. She breathed deeply, remembering the meditation techniques that Samara had been teaching her. Emptying her mind and relaxing each muscle from her feet to her head, she began to feel that familiar vertigo of slipping into the dream space. Shapes danced behind her eyelids and she began to hear voices, some more familiar than others. The voices began to speak words Shepard could understand. The shapes began to form images.
Shepard looked around. She was standing at the edge of a river, it was warm – almost hot. The water at her feet was dark and muddy. The river bank was charred and covered with blackened debris of varying sizes. A crumbling cement wall stuck out from the black sand – the remains of a building. The sun was directly above her and she began to feel sweat beading on her neck, where her skin met her armor. Recognition flooded her brain, filling her with dread. She was on Virmire. It looked like the bomb had detonated, effectively destroying Saren's krogan breeding facility and his research. Shepard walked around the exposed wall, trying to recognize the structure. She began to run. Similar images of rubble and blackened, ravaged ground blurred past her. Her armor did not hinder her speed, she ran effortlessly. Suddenly, she found the base camp set up by the salarian special tasks group. It was untouched by the blast, exactly as she remembered it. She walked into the first tent, half-expecting to see Captain Kirrahe looking over boxes of supplies. She found gunnery chief Ashley Williams sitting in a folding chair in the center of the floor. Ashley smiled sadly at the commander, remaining in her seat.
"I was wondering when you'd get here," said Ashley.
"I came as fast as I could," said Shepard, without a thought. "Come on, Ash. Let's get you out of here."
"It's too late for that, ma'am," said Ashley. Images began to flash in Shepard's mind: Saren holding her by the throat, the view from the Normandy of Virmire as the nuclear device exploded, Kaidan's tear-filled eyes, a plaque bearing Ashley's name on the Citadel presidium. Anger, grief, and regret flooded over Shepard in waves, she struggled to catch her breath.
"Ash, I'm so – so sorry," said Shepard. Her words rang hollow and trite in her ears.
"I was never afraid to die for the Alliance, commander. You don't have to worry about me. It was just different than I expected, I guess," said Ashley.
"I had to double back. I had to make sure the geth didn't get their hands on that bomb!" said Shepard, her line in a conversation she'd had a hundred times before.
"We both know there's more to it than that," said Ashley. Shepard felt the guilt rise up from deep inside her. She tried to push it back, hurling her rationale at it. Planting the bomb was their primary objective, she had to defend it. They were closer to the bomb site, they'd wipe out the geth there and then find Ashley. Kaidan was the higher ranking officer with valuable biotic skills. Ashley had backup from the salarian special tasks group, Kaidan had only a few scared Alliance rookies. Kaidan had told Shepard that he cared about her by everything that he said and did. The guilt won. Shepard felt dirty and selfish. She remembered her last encounter with Kaidan on Horizon, after she had been rebuilt by Cerberus after two years of being dead herself. His eyes flared with anger at her for what he saw as betrayal of the Alliance and his trust. Thane's face flashed in her head. She thought of his embrace, of kissing his scaled lips. Her recollection of intimacy with Thane blended with her memories of being with Kaidan on the last night before her team went through the Mu relay to Ilos. Shepard's guilt raged. Ashley leaned forward in her seat, nodding her head sympathetically, as if she were privy to the commander's thoughts. "I don't know why, but I kept expecting to see you and the LT running around our barricade to the rescue," said Ashley.
"I wanted to, I planned to, but we were overrun by geth. Saren showed up and he almost killed us both. We only outran the blast by a minute or so," said Shepard, her voice pleading.
"I know, commander, I saw the Normandy take off. I was so proud. I only got scared when I realized I was alone. I mean, on a strange planet surrounded by aliens and all. I always thought I would die protecting humans," said Ashley. Tears stung Shepard's eyes, her face flushed. "I realized something, though. Everyone dies alone. So in the end, I guess it doesn't matter who's there when you go."
"You deserved someone – something better than what you got," Shepard stammered, desperately trying to come up with something meaningful to say.
"I had someone," said Ashley, smiling. "And then you left." With that, Ashley faded away, leaving Shepard alone in the tent. The tent rattled, standing up to a rough gust of wind. Shepard could feel the heat of her tears running down her face. She turned and walked out of the tent.
She pushed aside the tent flap, distracted. The sound of gunshots startled her – she followed the sound, running down paths that were oddly familiar. The ground under her feet was no longer the blackened sand of Virmire, instead, it was a road paved with gravel. Shepard stopped short, recognizing the area around her as the landfill near Mindoir. She peered around the corner and spotted a group of teenagers laughing and talking. Shepard recognized her fifteen year old self, perched on top of a dirty broken crate talking to her childhood friend, Samir. Samir had a shotgun and after school and on weekends, they would get a group together and shoot rats down at the dump. Shepard watched her teenage self grab the gun and take aim as the other kids hushed and watched. They all knew she was the best shot of the bunch, but some of the more stubborn boys wouldn't admit it because she was a girl. Shepard had visited this place many times as a kid. As an adult, her mind would not let her leave.
In the distance, a pillar of black smoke appeared. The kids were oblivious, laughing and congratulating each other for good shots. Shepard yelled at the group, they did not hear her. She ran up to them waving her hands, but they made no indication that they could see her. Shepard ran toward the smoke, leaving her teenage self and her old friends to their recreation. A horrible, sinking feeling hit Shepard's gut, nauseating her. She knew what she would find and she wanted to stop, to hide. Her mind kept bringing her here, and she found her feet would not stop moving her toward the smoke – toward her colony.
She got to the top of a hill that overlooked the edge of the settlement. Shepard walked around the pre-fabricated modular housing units, looking for signs of fire. She heard screaming and gunshots close by. Reaching for her pistol, she found she was completely unarmed. She ran toward the fray anyway, determined to help before it was too late. Several houses were on fire, the doors blocked from the outside. Shepard saw a tiny face pressed against a window, trapped in one of the burning houses. She ran up the stairs to the house and pushed against the crates blocking the door. The crates wouldn't budge. She pushed harder, with all her strength. Still, the crates wouldn't give an inch. Shepard could hear coughing and screaming from just inside the door. She beat her fists against the window, trying to break the glass, but nothing she did had any effect. The screaming stopped. Nearby, a woman shouted, "My daughter! John, where is our daughter?" Shepard turned and ran toward the woman's voice, recognizing it as her mother's.
She found her way easily to her childhood home. It had not been disturbed by the invaders. Inside, her mother and father looked around frantically, calling her name. Through the living room window, Shepard could see why her parents were so intent on finding her. The invaders were slavers, they were taking adolescents and teens, tying them together and leading them to their shuttles. She saw them gunning down the elderly and the very young, seeking only their targets. Shepard's mother fell to her knees, sobbing on the kitchen floor. Her father kneeled, consoling her.
"She's gone, John, they've taken her. I know it!" lamented Shepard's mother. Shepard stood over them both.
"Mother," said Shepard, weakly. Her parents could not hear her.
"We don't know that, sweetheart. She's a smart girl, she's probably hiding," said her father.
"No, no, no! You know how brave she is! If she was still out there, she would come running to try and stop them! She's gone!" Shepard's mother collapsed into another fit of sobs. Her father patted her back, his face grim.
One of the slavers kicked through a window, spraying shards of glass all over the living room carpet. Shepard was disgusted to realize that this slaver was a human. He stormed through the house, picking up anything he thought was valuable and stuffing it in a big sack. Shepard followed him closely as he walked through her home. He found the kitchen and Shepard's parents. Shepard stood directly in front of him, but he looked right through her. Shepard's father put up his hands. Without a thought, the slaver shot him in the head, turned, and shot his wife. He searched Shepard's parents' bodies. Finding a credit chit on her father and nothing on her mother, he left. Shepard stared down at her parents' bodies, and around at her ransacked home.
It seemed like only seconds later, her teenage self came charging through the door. She felt the pain all over again as she watched herself react to what happened. Shepard then watched herself load up Samir's shotgun and run out of the house, screaming. She followed, and watched herself as she shot one of the slavers square in the chest as he loaded up the last of his victims. Samir shouted to her from the slaver's ship, he was bound to one of the other boys. The door closed and the shuttle took off. The girl aimed carefully at the engines, but the shuttle was already too far away for the shotgun to be effective. She was left standing in the field, alone. The familiar hum of an Alliance frigate's landing gear broke the silence only moments later. Shepard walked toward the craft, observing a young lieutenant Hackett leading a squad toward the burning houses. She closed her eyes.
Opening her eyes, Shepard was in the Citadel tower. The council was in session, and Councilor Anderson stood proudly next to the turian councilor, smiling at Shepard. She looked around, there was no other Shepard there. Garrus and Miranda stood behind her, looking extremely satisfied.
"Captain Shepard, the council has reviewed the new evidence that you and your team have brought forward," said the asari councilor. "We have decided to organize all forces on the Citadel immediately against the impending reaper threat. Additionally, a call will be made to all affiliated worlds to ready their fleets in defense of their homes."
"We couldn't have done this without you, captain. You may have just saved the entire galaxy, again," said Anderson. The council stepped down from their podium, disappearing to their chambers. Shepard turned to her squad. Garrus thumped her on the back, his face lit up in a grin. Miranda smiled and nodded appreciatively. Shepard walked with them to the docking bay, to tell the rest of the team the good news. She imagined the excited reactions of her crew and swelled with pride. They met Doctor Chakwas outside the Normandy airlock. The doctor's face was stony, she crossed her arms as the squad approached.
"Commander, I don't know how to say this to you," the doctor began.
"What's happened, doctor?" asked Miranda. Chakwas looked at Miranda sadly and shook her head. She placed a hand on Shepard's arm.
"I tried to get a hold of you over the comm, but Joker couldn't reach you," said Chakwas.
"We were in a council meeting, we had to turn the comm off," said Garrus.
"Shepard, it's Thane. He – he passed away not twenty minutes ago," said the Doctor. Shepard stared blankly at her, her pulse throbbing in her hears. She shrugged the doctor's hand off her shoulder and walked onto her ship, heading for the crew deck. She walked slowly, even as adrenaline surged through her veins. In her mind, she saw Thane sitting at his desk facing the drive core, enjoying his coffee and meditations like she had seen him do so many times. She pressed the green lit pad on the outside of his quarters and entered. Everything was the same as she had remembered, except Thane wasn't there. Shepard's breath came in ragged gasps, her heart pounded. Outside, she saw a few of the crew clustered around the med lab. She didn't recognize their faces. Some murmured, some wept, but they all turned toward Shepard when they saw her. The small crowd parted for her and she headed in to the med lab, hoping fervently to find it empty as usual.
She found Thane. He lay on one of the beds, his hands straight at his side. Shepard's mouth twitched into a kind of smile. He looked like he was sleeping. Doctor Chakwas walked into the lab behind Shepard.
"He was only sorry that he had to leave without you here, Shepard," said the doctor. Shepard covered his hands with hers. They were cold, even colder than usual. Grief hit Shepard like a truck and she sagged, kneeling on the ground. She could feel the emotion welling up inside her, like a dam had burst. Tears stung at her eyes and despite herself and the crew who stood and watched, Shepard sobbed aloud.
The sound of her own choked cry woke Shepard. She sat up slowly, breathing deeply. She was covered in sweat, and her nightclothes stuck to her skin uncomfortably. Her head spun, her pulse was still rapid in her ears. Rubbing her eyes, she was slightly startled to find they were wet. The alarm clock read 06:58, two minutes until her alarm would go off. Great, she thought to herself, unamused. She looked to her side, Thane was gone. Her heart sank for a moment. She looked around her room, checked the date on her clock, squeezed her pillow. It was a dream, Shepard chanted to herself. Only a dream. Thane did not usually sleep for very long, he probably went to get breakfast. Shepard tried to shake the residual feelings from her nightmare, but she found them persistently clinging to the back of her mind. She threw off the bedsheets and stumbled to the bathroom to wash her face.
The mood was decidedly more cheerful in the mess on the crew deck. Mess sergeant Gardner was busy at his station, preparing a hot breakfast for the hungry crew. He hummed along off-key to the song that played in his headset. The smells of coffee and savory foods mingled in Shepard's nostrils. Doctor Chakwas leaned against the island in the kitchen area, talking to Jacob and picking at what looked like a pancake. Shepard hazarded a quick look inside the med bay, it was empty. She released a breath she was not consciously aware she had been holding. She walked over to the island, nodded to the doctor and Jacob, and grabbed herself one of Gardner's pancakes. Tasty, but different – Shepard picked the bread product apart with her fingers and found that the mess sergeant had chopped up bits of sausage and mixed it right in with the batter. Pancake surprise, indeed, she mused. Zaeed sat nearby at the table with a plate full of beans and toast, entertaining whomever would listen with his old war stories.
"The bastard thought he'd sold me out, but I got to the Blood Pack first, see? I said I'd owe 'em a favor if they'd help me take him down. They saw reason - a favor from me is worth a lot. Jackass never saw it coming," he said as he shoved a crumbling slice of toast in his mouth. Kelly Chambers sat across from him; nodding and smiling politely. A couple of servicemen sat on either side of Zaeed, completely absorbed in his story, encouraging him. Shepard was amused. She suspected Zaeed loved the attention and being thought of as the mercenary sage, even if he would never admit it.
Shepard meandered, hoping she wasn't making too obvious of a beeline toward life support. Touching the green entry pad, she entered Thane's quarters and found him where she had hoped. He turned around at the sound of her entry.
"Good morning, siha, do you need something?" he asked. Shepard smiled at him, sitting on the corner of his desk.
"No, nothing in particular. Just wanted to see how you were. Did you get breakfast yet?" she asked. Thane shook his head.
"I – did not find this morning's meal to my tastes, exactly. I will make something for myself later, I don't want to offend Gardner – he works hard," said Thane. Shepard chuckled understandingly and slipped off the desk. She walked over to the wall, inspecting his weapon rack.
"Hey, I know I said I'd take Grunt down with me today, but do you want to come instead? It might be fun, we could hang out – you know, get some info and bust some mercs," said Shepard, grinding her fist into her palm. She tried and failed to contain the slight wobble in her voice. Thane looked at her curiously.
"I appreciate the thought, siha, but I would remain here if that's okay with you. I received a message from Kolyat yesterday and I would like to compose a response, among other things," he said. "Besides, like you, I believe that Grunt would benefit from meeting the old krogan known as Patriarch." Shepard moved to look out at the drive core, then pulled out the chair opposite Thane and sat down. She stood up again seconds later, returning to the weapon rack. "Something is bothering you, tell me," said Thane.
"It's nothing. I just – I had a really vivid nightmare, I woke up from it this morning. You were in it, that's all," said Shepard. Thane clasped his hands together, looking at her attentively. "It's nothing, just a dream."
"Dreams can tell us a lot about ourselves, siha. In dreams, your soul and body are able to communicate freely," he paused, gauging her response. Shepard traced the outline of his rifle with a fingertip. "Perhaps you should not dismiss what you experienced as 'nothing', it obviously meant something to you," he said. Shepard watched the drive core swirl and pulse. She turned to him, a small smile on her lips.
"That's not what I expected you to say, but I'll take it," she said, considering his words. She looked as if she were about to say something, then changed her mind. "Yeah, I think Grunt will get a kick out of Patriarch, and vice versa." Thane stood up, walked over to Shepard and took both of her hands in his.
"You needn't worry about me, siha. You're the one who's about to walk into the fire. Amonkira guide you," he said. Shepard grinned and squeezed his hands.
"I'll see you later. Sooner we leave, the sooner we can get back," she said with a wink, and left.
Time to round up the squad, Shepard selected level four on the elevator monitor. Stepping out into the hall, she found Grunt was already locked and loaded. Shepard generally liked going on missions with Grunt. He was always so excited to fight. Shepard found it refreshing, even if he did encourage her more violent side.
"Battlemaster," he acknowledged Shepard as he passed by her into the elevator. She nodded at the krogan and made her way into engineering.
"Tali, do you have anything for me on Aria's data yet?" said Shepard, bringing up relevant data on her omni-tool. She looked up, and found Tali wasn't alone as she had expected. Garrus stood by Tali's station, looking simultaneously shocked and awkward. Preoccupied, Shepard continued. "Ah, Garrus, good. I was coming to see you next. We're heading station-side ASAP," said Shepard quickly. Garrus stood for a moment, stunned. "So go suit up," encouraged Shepard.
"Aye-aye, commander," he said finally, and left. Shepard watched him leave, raising an eyebrow. Shaking her head, she turned to Tali.
"Tali? Tell me you have something," said the commander.
"I – yes, Shepard. Aria is right to be paranoid. Omega's entire extranet network is unstable, compromised. What looks like firewalls are actually data mining viruses disguised as security," said Tali, showing Shepard her meaning on the monitor.
"Yesterday, Legion said he remotely hacked the station's defenses, could this be a result of that?" asked Shepard.
"No, I don't think so – the defenses are on another grid. This affects virtually all of the station's communications, though. It's a custom-made virus, Shepard. The person who uploaded it would have to be very familiar with the servers on the station," said Tali. Shepard stared at the monitor, studying Tali's research.
"Well, whomever is behind this knows a lot about Omega by now," Shepard began. "I think it'd be fair to say someone who knew about the servers enough to build a virus for them would have to be working for Aria."
"It's a solid speculation, Shepard. I haven't been able to find any information on the user who uploaded the virus, or even much about the virus itself. I can only tell you what it's doing. If you went into the server room, you would be able to download the info we're missing. However, I doubt you'll be able to just walk in," said Tali.
"Heh, you're probably right. At least we're getting somewhere," said Shepard, clapping her hands together. "Thanks for that, Tali. I'll be in radio contact. We'll try to get into the server room today, but that depends on what we can find out about the Suns defenses."
"I'll be here when you need me, Shepard," said Tali. Shepard nodded at the quarian and left her to her work.
Shepard suited up and armed herself quickly. She felt almost wrong to be excited about the prospect of spilling some merc blood on Omega. There were several conflicting ideas buzzing around in her head of how she should be feeling after her battle with the collectors. Some ideas were put there by others: reporters, friends, even her crew. The thought of taking it easy for a while did have a certain appeal to her. She wanted to go somewhere with Thane where they wouldn't have to worry about getting shot at; she felt she owed him that much. She could have said no to Aria and flown right on through to the Citadel. Shepard had explained her reasoning to herself and her crew multiple times, but after she saw the situation for herself, she couldn't have walked away. As much as she wanted to be the brave and shrewd military strategist the vids portrayed, deep inside the commander was still an angry, vengeful teenager who wanted to rid the galaxy of evil. Shepard struggled to keep that part of her in check, but every once in a while something would happen that stirred up those old feelings. Crossing the CIC, Shepard could see Garrus and Grunt waiting near the airlock. She smiled inwardly, ready for action.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading! I would love to know what you think about my story so far. Unicorns and leprechauns appear to those who take the time to leave reviews – this is fact.