Chapter Six – Down The Rabbit Hole

BPOV

Morning. I hated mornings. Usually it was the same routine. Same thing I did the day before. But today was different. Today, Edward was home. But for how long, I wonder? How long before he was out that door? It would be just like him, to come in and get the kid's hopes up. Get my hope up and than, boom, gone.

Some people ask me what it's like being married to a soldier. What it's like being married to a man, who is strong and brave and willing to fight for his country. They have this glorified view of things. They've gone and prettied the whole thing up. All I can say is that I don't see my husband enough to know what it's like being married to him. I may wear his ring on my left hand and share his last name, but more times than not, I am living the life of a single mother.

I'm not selfish. Just because I'm sick of this life and that I fight more with my husband than we do anything else, doesn't mean that I don't support my country or that I don't believe in what Edward is doing. It just gets to a point where you have to ask yourself, "Why can he fight for his country and strangers, but not his wife and kids?"

When is it enough?

I have never said I wanted Edward to leave the army or that he can never go on another tour. I just want him to spend some more time at home. A couple of years ago his Base Commander offered him a recruitment officer assignment. Actually he had offered it a few times over the last couple of years. It would mean he would be stationed on base and be home with us. But each time Edward had turned him down and chosen to go on another tour. Every time he turned it down, was another chip off of my heart.

I knew he was awake. I could feel his shifting legs, underneath the covers. I just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. I didn't want this day to begin. But from previous experience, I knew that is wasn't just going to go away. And I also knew that is wouldn't be long before the kids came in. I made an act out of waking up. I turned, I whimpered, I stretched and finally pried my eyes open to rest on his. God he was handsome and that fact wasn't helping my situation. Might as well play nice until we couldn't anymore.

"Hi ya, Soldier, How long have you been awake for?" I smiled and stretched out my pleasurably sore muscles.

"Not long, I was just admiring the vision that is my wife" he said softly as I watched his big, rough hand rise off the bed and sweep the hair out of my face.

I didn't know how to react to Edward's compliment and sweet gesture. It had been so long since he had said something sweet to me. It reminded me of before we were married. When Edward had been a very different man to the man he is today. Edward used to be sweet, gentle and loving. And hearing these sweet innocent words makes me ache for that time, eight years ago.

Edward moved towards me and I wasn't sure what he was about to do. So I stilled my body and tried to prepare myself for whatever action he was about to do. But before he could move any further, we both turned towards the bedroom door, as we heard our children's feet race against the floorboards.

I could hear Anthony's hesitant approach. Anthony's relationship with his father had become strained lately and I wanted to fix that. Even if things were not okay between Edward and I, I didn't want Edward's and Anthony's relationship to suffer because of it. Than came Billie. She was a Daddy's girl. She looked at Edward like he hung the moon. Sometimes I envied her that. Sometimes I wished that I could have that kind of view of Charlie.

She will be attached to Edward's hip until he leaves again. And knowing Edward, he will leave. And once again I will be the one left to console our distraught daughter.

Just as I was thinking up ways to make things easier on Billie when Edward left, I heard a thump. I could hear the twins and one of my little men must have fallen over. I faught my mothers instinct to run out and check if they were okay. When I didn't hear any cries of pain, I let myself relax. It was most likely Matthew. He trips over more often than me.

They must of heard Edward's voice when we were talking this morning. Otherwise I don't know how they knew he was here. At least were prepared this time and thank heaven that we have clothes on.

Billie burst through the door so fast, she almost took the thing of it's hinges. She was flying into Edward's arms before I could even tell her to stop running in the house. I watched as she held on tightly to Edward. I know it's wrong, but I can't help but feel a little jealous of their relationship. She never had that reaction with me.

"Hello, baby girl" I heard him whisper into her ear. Billie snuggled into place between us underneath Edward's arm.

"Hi, Daddy, I missed you" she answered. And I smiled at the way Edward's eyes softened at our daughters declaration.

"I missed you too, Princess" Edward said, kissing Billie on her matching bronze hair. The same exact color as her fathers.

Looking over Edward's shoulder I watched two more little replicas of Edward stroll into the room. Although Matthew had my facial features, Billie, William and Matthew all shared Edward's Bronze shading. Anthony was the only one of our kids that was dark like me.

William and Matthew jumped up on the bed and I watched as they looked at Edward like they I hadn't seen him before. They crossed their little legs and smiled up at us.

"We missed ewww" William said in his native baby tongue. Not quite capable of getting his mouth around Y's just yet. William was the most outgoing and talkative out of the twins. More often than not, he spoke for both Matthew and himself. So it didn't surprise me when Matthew just bobbed his head up and down. He agreed with his brother.

My smile faltered a little as I watched my eldest son enter the room. His face drawn tight in apprehension and doubt. Anthony and I had a very close relationship. He was so mush older than his young years. He was the strongest, but at the same time he felt things a lot more strongly than others. I always worried about that special trait getting him hurt in the future. He stepped towards his father slowly and I watched a sliver of pain swept across Edward's face. I knew he could feel the distance between him and his son.

I tried to encourage him with my eyes and I felt my mouth lift in a sympathetic smile. I didn't want to push him. He needed to go to Edward in his own time. When he was ready and no sooner than that.

"Hey, Dad" he said nervously and his eyes lowered to the floor, rising only when I knew he had pulled himself together.

"Hey, Anth, You've grown Kiddo" Edward stated, reaching out an arm and pulling his son in for a hug. Edward now had both his daughter and son in his arms. I thought maybe it was time to excuse myself and let the kids have some time with their father. Anthony's mood had improved and everyone seemed content. It was about time for breakfast.

"How about you guys watch some TV together and I'll go make some breakfast for us. How does pancakes sound?" I asked, knowing their wasn't going to be any no's for pancakes.

"Pancakes, Yeah" the twins screamed. I stifled a giggle at their enthusiasm.

The twins followed after me downstairs, as I left Anthony and Billie to reacquaint themselves with their father. As I rushed around the kitchen, gathering ingredients for breakfast, I tried my best to gather myself. I needed to be in control. But as I heard, my children's and Edwards laughter from upstairs. I knew this peace wouldn't last.

The children came bouncing into the kitchen with Edward following, just when I was putting the last of breakfast out on the table. Edward smacked my bottom when I turned around after giving him his plate and I couldn't help the giggle that bubbled up and out of me. Maybe he was trying to change.

I listened as the kids asked him about what he had been doing and if he was being brave over there. I listened as Anthony told him about his home run. Billie asked for his help learning a new song on the piano and the twins ran off to get their artwork to show him. They couldn't contain their excitement at telling him about their achievements. I watched Edward's face as it flitted between pride and pain.

"So how long are you home for Dad?" Anthony asked, and the whole kitchen went quiet. I waited, holding my breath for the answer.

"Two weeks" Edward answered. I knew he was trying to make eye contact with me, but I didn't want to see the begging in his eyes that I always saw when he told me he was leaving. I shouldn't have hoped. And I just didn't have it in me to fight with him anymore.

I stood up and went over to the sink. I needed to be doing something. I needed to keep busy, so I started to wash the dishes instead of fighting with him. He will never change. Things with never change.

"Can't you stay longer, Daddy" I heard Billie whimper to her father. I could hear the sadness and disappointment in her soft little voice. How could he make her feel that way? How could he always make me feel this way?

"No Princess, Daddy has to return to his duty" he tried to explain to them, but it was just another excuse and one day they will be old enough to see his statement for what it was.

An excuse.

"why don't you kids go and play in the lounge room and daddy will be in, in a minute" I heard him tell the kids. I heard the sounds of their feet leave the kitchen, but I could see Anthony lingering by the door out the corner of my eye. He soon followed his younger brothers and sister.

I could hears Edward's boots on the hardwood floor as that came towards me. His arms slipped around my waist and he rested his chin on my shoulder. I wanted to to melt into his warmth, but if I allowed myself to do just that, then nothing would ever change.

"So, your not staying" I asked softly so the children couldn't hear.

" I can't, It's just a two week R and R. I need to go back and complete my tour." he tried to explain in that same pleading tone that I've heard a million times before.

"Is this the way it is always going to be?" I asked, removing myself out of his arms. I couldn't do this with him when he had me in his arms. He could always make my resolve break faster when he cradled me like that.

I couldn't bring myself to be angry. Anger has never gotten us anywhere before. I just didn't have any fight left in me. I was just empty now.

"Bella, you knew this when you married me. This is who I am. I need you to stand by me." he said, getting frustrated.

He said the same things every time we had this fight. That I should just accept being neglected and ignored, just because I married a soldier. He needed me to stand by him. That's all I've done for the last eight years. What about what I needed from him.

This was usually when the screaming and harsh words began. This was always the starting point for this never ending argument that we have every time he comes home. But this time, my fight was gone and I said the only thing that I could to explain just how far gone I truly was.

"I'm not happy anymore, Edward"

And for the first time in eight years, Edward didn't have anything to argue back.

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