Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
A/N: This one is a little bit (okay, a LOT) more cracky than I initially intended, but... hey, a little bit of fanfiction crack never hurt anyone. :D REAL crack has hurt people, but definitely not fanfiction crack. -Nods- We'll see if the next one is this cracky. XD
Day 2
"Ryuuzaki, Hatori needs clothes."
L paused, turning to frown at the genius working next to him, typing with one hand while supporting Hatori with the other. Of course, the other man was typing more quickly with one hand than many people are capable of with both hands.
"Hatori... needs clothes?"
"Yes."
"He is rather..." he faded off, trying to think of a way to say this politely that would not upset Light nor hurt Hatori's feelings. "...Unusually proportioned." Good. "Where would we find clothes for him?"
"Well, you've got more money than God. I imagine we can find a place that will customize."
L gave him a very distinct hairy eyeball. "Than God, Light-kun? By God do you mean Kira?"
Ignoring him, Light mused, "Maybe my mother would be willing to make something that would fit him..."
"Are you a Kira supporter?"
"I don't know, though, how long does it take to make an outfit?"
"Are you a Kira supporter because you perhaps are Kira himself?"
"Well, he doesn't have sweat glands, so it's not like he'll really need more than one set of clothes."
"Tell the truth, Kira!"
"But he does deserve the best, so maybe if it doesn't take too long I can ask her to make a few outfits..."
"Kiraaaaaaaaa-"
"Okay, I've decided. We're going to go to my mother's house and she can measure Hatori. She always used to make clothes for Sayu when she was a baby, and it was always really cute."
"Okay."
Twenty minutes later, thanks to Watari who drove, contrary to popular belief, like a maniac, they arrived at Light's house. L and a very shaky Light exited the limo. "T-thank you Watari..." Light said, clutching Hatori, the six times he had nearly died in a horrible screaming death trap of collision flashing before his eyes. He made a mental note not to let Watari drive any more than was completely necessary, as Watari haphazardly backed out of Light's driveway, narrowly missing a pedestrian, and tore away.
L, however, didn't seem to notice, and Light made another mental note not to let L drive him anywhere, either.
Sachiko, hearing the screeching of the car tires from when Watari had slammed on the breaks when they arrived, burst out of the house, her biggest available grin on her face. "Light, honey! Welcome home! Did the overbearing detective give you a day off to come visit?"
"Hey, Mom," Light said a little awkwardly, receiving a glare from said overbearing detective. "Um, actually, yeah. Mom, this is my friend Ryuuzaki. We're handcuffed for some completely valid and not-at-all-kinky reason that definitely doesn't inspire homoerotic subtext."
"Oh, well that's good," Sachiko agreed.
L was still glaring at him. Light elbowed him in the ribs, making L create an 'oof' sound and turn his glare elsewhere.
"Light, you seem to be holding a bag of flour," Sachiko pointed out as they sat down in the living room. Sachiko brought out a plate of homemade cookies and L looked at her, wide-eyed, and Light was sure he could hear that song that plays in movies when a character falls in love. Sachiko seemed to hear it, too, and looked around, frowning.
"I am," Light confirmed. "And this is kind of an odd request, but I need you, if you could, to make a little outfit for him. Maybe two."
She blinked at him, but it wasn't the weirdest thing Light had ever asked her to do so she shrugged. "That shouldn't be too hard. Sleeves are usually the hardest part for me, and that won't be a problem here. Let me just get my measuring tape..."
She fetched the tape and when she went to measure Hatori L sprang to his feet. "Good woman, allow me," he rumbled, bowing elegantly.
"Um... okay?"
L quickly measured Hatori every which way, writing the dimensions down in, not his usual scrawl, but big, looping letters. He handed the paper to Sachiko and, when she reached for it, he delicately took hold of her hand and brought it to his lips.
"The cookies... Sachiko, milady... they were wonderful," L said in a sultry voice, eyes smoldering through his hair as he looked up at her.
"Thank you," she said awkwardly. "You know, my husband Soichiro loves them too. He should be home any minute, actually..."
"Do you know that I am one of the most intelligent people on the face of this earth?"
"Um..."
"That I am richer than the combined population of a small country?"
"That's nice..."
"I know seventeen languages."
"Okay."
"I know an obscure form of martial arts."
"That's great, Ryuu-"
"I was the British junior tennis champion."
"Okay, so Mom," Light interrupted, smacking L and giving him a glare to freeze Mercury. The planet Mercury. Which is already really cold half the time but during the other half of its days is very, very hot so would then actually be hard to freeze. The glare was that cold. "Do you think you can do it?"
"Shouldn't be a problem," she said sweetly. "If you just give me a moment, I would be happy to get my sewing machine. It won't be more than an hour."
"Okay, thanks!" Light said, and Sachiko happy began bustling about, collecting the supplies and setting everything up.
Light and Sachiko caught up, ignoring L as he periodically gazed at Light's mother, jotting something down on a piece of paper he had pestered Light for.
Sachiko finished an outfit. It was baby blue. "Bring it over here, Light. We'll see if this fits. If it does, I can make another one."
"Hatori is a he, Mom," Light said, obeying.
"Do not speak that way to your mother!" L snapped, smacking Light on the back of the head as he followed him to avoid being yanked by the chain. Then he turned and gave a charming smile to the middle-aged woman. "I apologize for Light-kun's behavior, Madam. Here, I composed a symphony for you. It is called, 'The Glorious, Cookie-Baking Sachiko, Queen of My Heart.'"
Sachiko stared at him, then shook her head, helping Light put Hatori's clothes on.
On the drive home, L and Light didn't say a word to each other. Neither did Hatori. The only sound was the squeal of Watari's tires and the groan of the bearings as he landed a jump.
"I believe your mother drugged those cookies in an attempt to seduce me," L muttered.
"Somehow I doubt that, lover boy," Light said condescendingly, fiddling with Hatori's new clothes.
"I have never felt like that before, and now that I have metabolized the cookies I no longer feel that way. I am now fully aware of the inappropriateness of my actions."
"Just hope she doesn't tell my dad," Light chirped, grinning at L's pained expression.
"You did not have any of the cookies."
"I don't like sweets. You know that."
"Then why did your mother make them?"
"She probably had them for my dad and offered them to be polite. He likes cookies the way you like cake."
"So she was trying to seduce him?"
"She doesn't have to seduce him, he's her husband. My sweet, incredibly normal mother did not drug the cookies."
"Then you did!" L accused, pointing at Light's nose. "Kira!"
Light crossed his legs. "You were with me the whole time. When would I have drugged the cookies?"
"...Kira! Trying to make me fall temporarily in love with your mother so that I'd slip and tell her my name in front of you!"
"That's completely ridiculous!"
"DAMN YOU, KIRA!"
"Don't swear in front of Hatori."
L sighed, sitting back in his seat and glaring forlornly out the window. "I didn't know anyone but Watari and bakeries were capable of making cookies."
"It's not that hard," Light grumbled back, crossing his legs the other way and elbowing L again. "Hey, take Hatori. My arms are tired."
Wordlessly, they transferred the bag of flour. L sighed again. Looking down at Hatori, he said, "I'm sorry you had to see that, Hat-chan."
Light just rolled his eyes and checked his nails.
And thus ended day two.