Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

A/N: Woooo! Okay, so I just started college. Blame that, because it's the reason I've disappeared.

"For the last time, Watari, I did not become a detective because I have a fetish for serial killers!" L lied, slamming the car door behind them.

Light, holding back the tears that threatened from the crazy drive he had just been dragged into ("No, Light-kun, we are not hiring a cab. Because I said so, that's why!"), managed to force out, "No, you did it because you have a fetish for chaining young boys to yourself."

"Silence, Kira!"

"No!"

"SILENCE!"

"NO!"

"Up by four percent!"

"I hate you!"

"Up by six percent!"

"FINE!"

Glaring in opposite directions of each other, they headed into the building, L being careful not to whack Hatori against anything where he was tucked in the snuggly they had just purchased.

When they got in the building, Light sighed in a rush and said, "Ryuuzaki, change Hatori's diaper."

L's eyes went wide and he stared at Light. Clearly, the man had gone insane. Did L look like a guy who knew how to change a diaper? "That would be unwise," he mumbled.

"Don't tell me the world's three greatest detectives doesn't know how to change a diaper," Light mocked, having already figured it out, a smug grin crawling across his face that internally made L add another two percent. "I would think you'd have read a book on the subject or something..."

"I was my parent's first child and they died before they could have another," L said bluntly. Usually bringing up his dead parents made people shut up. It had worked last time when they were arguing about writing Hatori's name on him.

Of course, it was silly to think that the same manipulation would work twice on Light. He should have realized that Light was not most people. Also, as a potential serial killer, it was unlikely that he would have that same 'guilt/shame' thing that L usually took advantage of.

"So you grew up at an orphanage," Light said, crossing his arms, his smirk widening.

"Yes."

"So, you were surrounded by little kids, and there is absolutely no excuse for you not to know how to change a diaper."

L blinked. "...My parents were murdered in front of me, you know."

"And if it really bothered you, you wouldn't use it as an excuse to get out of stuff all the time."

"...Damn it."

"Change his diaper."

"I do not know how!"

"Look it up online!"

"Why doesn't Light-kun just change the diaper!"

"Because this is a nice shirt and I don't want him peeing all over me or something."

"...It is a bag of flour, Light-kun, it does not have a bladder." L cringed, realizing what he had just said.

Light froze. "What... did you say?"

L took a step back, quailing under Light's suddenly red and frighteningly intense eyes. "I did not mean anything by that statement, I assure you..."

Light took a step forward, enjoying the fact that L, in his terror, forgot about how the chain would prevent him from escaping Light's wrath.

"Did you call Hatori an it?"

"...Accidentally?"

"Accidentally? Accidentally? Would you ever accidentally refer to me as 'it' twice in a sentence?"

That wasn't fair. There was no safe answer to that. So, L didn't say anything at all.

Apparently Light didn't need him to.

"You're the most insensitive, emotionless, crassest, asshole I've ever met and if I didn't so firmly believe that a boy needs his father I would leave you in a second!" Light shrilled. Enraged, visibly seething, he scooped up the bag of flour and stormed out of the room, speaking softly to it as if he needed to comfort it.

L sighed and shrugged, turning back to his computer and looking up diaper-changing procedures. Then he smirked. Light had called him the father. Which meant that Light was the mother. Heh.

That would be good ammo in the future.