Chapter 2: Edward in Walmart

(A/N) Alright, now I don't know if the first chapter of this was really funny or if ya'll where just on crack. I'm betting on the last one. But anyway here is the second chapter you crack heads! BTW I was rocking out to Taylor Swift, while writing this so sorry if Edward breaks out into "Our Song". Anyway, Enjoy! – twilighters-anonymous

Disclaimer: All characters belong to the very talented Stephenie Meyer. I just like to play house

with them, I'll be sure to put them away when I'm done. No matter what they tell you, you cannot

buy Edward Cullen on ebay, believe me, I've tried, you just get some old guy from Switzerland.

(Edward POV)

"Okay, here he comes," I murmured quietly to Bella. "Get ready."

We were standing in the middle of 'Lawn and Garden' section at Walmart, preparing to cause a little bit of a scene with one of the sales clerks who was on his way to ask us if we needed any assistants

'Wow, that girl is really hot! I wonder if she's with that guy. Oh, well, he's probably a jerk.' the clerk thought. I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and pulled her closer to me. Suppressing a growl at the clerk's thoughts. I didn't want to give him any reason not to come over to us. Besides, it really wasn't his fault, Bella did look exceptionally beautiful today.

She was wearing a lovely blue blouse and a khakis skirt. Did she always have to be so tempting? And her smell... I swallowed the venom that had built in my throat, quickly regaining control of that side of me. It wasn't so hard now to resist her. But I was very happy that the temptation would soon be over. Only three more weeks until I finally call her my wife. My mind started to wonder to our honeymoon. When the wait would be over and I could finally have Bella to myself, all of her.

I was brought back to the present with the clerk's cheery salesman voice. "Hello, is there anything I can help you with today?" he asked, looking back and forth between me and Bella. Suddenly, Bella started sniffling and her eyes began tearing up.

"Oh, no, now you've done it," I said to the confused employee as Bella started a full-on crying jag.

"Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Bella practically yelled at the clerk.

"E-excuse me?" asked the dumbfounded salesman.

"Why would you do that to someone?" I glanced down at his name tag that said 'Hello! My name is Brandt!'with one of those yellow smiley faces on it. "Why, Brandt?"

A few people had started staring between us and Brandt.

'I wonder what he did to the poor girl. Some people can be so mean.' was what most of the thoughts were.

"Oh, man! What did I do? I just asked if I could help her! Man! The boss is so gonna fire me!' was what Brandt was thinking. I really hoped he wouldn't get fired. I turned to comfort Bella by rubbing her back soothingly. "Shh, it's okay Bella, sweetheart," I said in a calming voice. She turned away from the clerk and stuck her head in my chest.

She took a few ragged breaths before stuttering, "I-I just w-want t-to go h-h-home!" her crying got a little louder and she started shaking. It really looked and sounded like she was crying, but I knew better, she was trying so hard not to laugh. I figured we should leave before she blew our cover with laughter. Besides, I was about to crack at any moment as well.

I gave Brandt, who was beginning to back away, one last dark look before he turned around and walked quickly away. 'Got to get away, got to get away!' he thought.

I turned back to Bella and began leading her past the gathered crowd and out of the 'Lawn and Garden' section. Once I was sure we were far enough away, I released all of my built up laughter, Bella did the same. Distantly, I could hear the voices of Brandt and the store manager, who had apparently seen the whole thing. The manager was yelling at Brandt, telling him if he screwed up one more time, he was fired. Brandt was trying to explain, but the manager wasn't buying it, this must have not been the first time something like this happened to Brandt. Poor Brandt. Once the hysterics had finally wore off about five minutes later, we moved onto the next prank.

I snaked my arm around Bella's waist and tried to lead her to 'Housewares', she was still laughing, so she was having a harder time than usual. At one point she tripped and took down an entire row of paper towels. We finally reached the alarm clocks. I dropped my arm from Bella's waist and quickly set all the alarm clocks to go off at two minute intervals. I returned back to Bella and we walked over to the next aisle to wait.

Bella started looking at some picture frames, while I counted down. Finally, it was time. "Five, four," I counted off to Bella, "three, two, one."

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

One of the alarm clocks started going off. I listened closely.

'What the hell?' One of the employees made his way over to the clocks. He searched through all of them. Finally, he found the right one and switched it off. He was almost out of the aisle when another started beeping. "What the hell?" he repeated, this time out loud.

Suddenly, I heard Bella gasp. I looked over to her. "Is that Brandt?" she asked. I peeked over to the aisle with the clocks. Sure enough there, switching off the alarm clock was Brandt himself, the employee we had just tormented, not ten minutes earlier. By now, three clocks were going off ─ I made sure I had some of them on high shelves.

"God dammit! What the hell is going on?" I heard Brandt exclaim. Poor Brandt, this was just not his day. Oh, no, is that who I think it is? I listened closer.

'Brandt is in some serious trouble. First, he makes some girl cry, now he's cursing up a storm. What am I going to do with him?' The store manager had heard Brandt's loud profanities, along with half the store. "Brandt!" the manager called as he stormed into the aisle with Brandt and the beeping alarm clocks. I listened in for Brandt's thoughts.

'Oh, damn, it's Mr. Douglas! Now I'm really gonna get fired! I wonder if Target's hiring? Maybe I can make a run for it.' Oh, no, Brandt. Would he really do that?

"What's going on?" Bella's sweet, angelic voice pulled me out of Brandt's thoughts. I turned to Bella to explain.

"The manager, Mr. Douglas, is planning on firing poor Brandt. Meanwhile, Brandt's contemplating just running away," I told her quietly, whispering in her ear, so that only she could hear. A crowd had appeared when Brandt started cursing, so Bella and I slipped into the crowd. One look at Mr. Douglas said everything. He was an unnatural shade of red, a vein in his forehead looked like it was going to pop.

Finally, Brandt dropped the alarm clock he was holding and took off. He made it all the way out the aisle before bounding straight into Emmett. Brandt ricocheted off of Emmett and into a display of deodorant. The deodorant fell into a big pile, while Brant quickly got back up. He took off running again. Unfortunately, he was wearing very baggy pants. The pants started falling down and before Brandt could pull them up, they fell all the way down his ankles, sending him to the floor, yet again. He finally got back up and pulled up his pants. He was holding his pants up and was now a deep shade of red. Finally, he made it out the door and into the parking lot.

I looked around to everyone's face. The emotions were all clearly displayed. Humor, shock, and astonishment were all evident on all the faces, except Emmett, his face just showed humor, humor, and guess what more humor! Everyone in the crowd burst out into laughter, Emmett had fallen to his knees and was now holding his sides.

"Nice job, Eddie-poo!" Emmett exclaimed through all the laughter. I looked over to the manager, who was walking out of the aisle, shaking his head, the vein in his forehead still pulsating.

After the laughter subsided, Bella and I left Emmett, who was still rolling with laughter. Bella's hand found mine and she led me over to the service counter. There were a few people there so we had to wait in line. When we reached the front, Bella opened her mouth to speak. "Excuse me, miss," she said to the girl, who was looking at me and having very inappropriate fantasies about me. I restrained the urge to roll my eyes at my annoyance with her thoughts. "Could you please page Brandt, I need to talk to him, it's important," Bella stated, while giving the girl a death glare.

"Sure," the girl said, blinking back to reality.

"Thanks," Bella replied politely. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer to me, much to the dismay of the girl. I led Bella a couple feet away to 'wait for Brandt'. The girl at the counter picked up the phone and pressed a button. She began speaking over the intercom.

"Could Brandt please report to the service counter. Brandt to the service counter. Thank you." she said. By the time she was finished I was already on the floor. I pulled my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, assuming the fetal position. I started rocking back and forth.

"NO! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" I yelled. I screamed rather loudly and began to dry sob. "STOP THE VOICES!" Bella dropped down to my side and started soothing me.

"It's okay Edward, sweetheart," she told me. I looked at her and widened my eyes, putting on a horrified look.

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY CLOWNS! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DEMON ELVES! I WON'T LET SANTA GET ME!" I exclaimed as loud as possible. I barely my face in my knees.

"It's alright, no one's going to hurt you," Bella assured me. "Look around, no one's out to get you." I lifted my head and looked around with a terrified expression.

"No clowns?" I asked Bella.

"No," she told me.

"No elves?"

"None."

"Santa's not going to get me?"

"No, I won't let him."

"Okay." I said warily. Bella helped me off the floor and began leading me away from the crowd. We started laughing as soon as we were out of hearing range. Finally, we were finished with our pranks. I decided it would be fun to see how the others were doing...

(A/N) So that's chapter 2! The next one is in Emmett's POV, can you say trouble? I might not be able to update so soon, I'm going camping with my best friend. Any I mean actual camping not the Cullens' definition of camping. No animals will be harmed! Go check out my profile, I have a poll, a challenge, and another story for you to check out! So GO! Just to keep you excited for the next chapter I'll give you the title of it! "Condoms, guns, and anti-depressants" Yeah I know wow right? Anyway til' next time grasshopper! – twilighters-anonymous