Chapter 3: Condoms, Guns, and Anti-Depressants

A/N: Okay, first I want to thank my awesome beta reader Eregz for well beta-ing! I always forget to thank my beta so I had to add that first. Sorry it's been a while since the update! Life got in the way. First, Breaking Dawn came out, which I don't care what any of you say, Breaking Dawn was amazing! Then, I started hanging out with my bff Savannah, who has only read Twilight (I know horrible right?). Anyway she was dead-set of getting me off of my addiction to Twilight, which is impossible! So, I'm thinking about dropping her as a bff. Just kidding. Then, last week school started. I'm officially a freshman in high school!! Yeah, I'm excited! But anywho, enough with the rambling. Salut! Which means hi/bye in French, which I am taking. So, Salut!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to the very talented Stephenie Meyer. I just like to play house

with them, I'll be sure to put them away when I'm done. No matter what they tell you, you cannot

buy Edward Cullen on ebay, believe me, I've tried, you just get some old guy from Switzerland.

(Emmett POV)

"Hello? Miss?" I was standing at the pharmacy, ready to begin my first prank. This was going to be good.

"Hello, sir, may I help you?" the pharmacist asked politely, batting her eyes at me. It was a good thing Rosalie wasn't here right now, she would have this girl crying by now.

"Yes," I answered her. "I would like to buy some condoms, please?" Wow, it's been awhile since I've had to buy condoms! Good thing Rose and I don't need them, we'd have to buy them in bulk.

"Um..." she sputtered, blushing. Ha! She has the same reaction to the word 'condom' as Bella! "There's a whole aisle of them over there," she said, pointing to a nearby aisle where I could tell there were a lot of condoms.

"Wow! How many are there?" I asked, incredulous, by the amount.

"One hundred forty-two. Oh, no, wait! Trojan just came out with the cherry flavor. So one hundred forty-three," she said, matter-of-factly. I just stared at her. I couldn't imagine that many different condoms. I also didn't expect her to answer my question, it was more of a rhetorical question. But that was an interesting little fun fact. (A/N: Speaking of fun facts, did you know that pigs can have an orgasm that lasts for up to thirty minutes?!)

"Okay, thanks," I said before I walked to the aisle with all the condoms. My eyes quickly began scanning the boxes. Mint flavor, cherry, sour apple, ─ I wonder what makes them sour ─ bubble gum, small, medium, large, extra large, XXL, XXXL, ─ wow, someone's dreaming big. No pun intended. Hmmm...how about large in cherry. Wait! Is that glow in the dark?! Cool! I might have to get me some of them! I grabbed some boxes of each and put aside a box of glow in the dark ─ for experimental purposes. I stuck all the condoms in a basket and began looking for victims. I came across a boy about 13 or 14 years old shopping with his mother. Perfect! I waited until they were both distracted and, using my vampire speed, quickly buried five boxes of condoms in their cart.

Next, I found an old lady, about 84 years old, slowly making her way through the store. I put about eight boxes in her cart. Ew. I feel sorry for the cashier and the mental images he will have. (A/N: I to am sorry for the mental images.) I decided to keep the last five boxes to make water balloons out of. Glow in the dark water balloon fight!

Now that I was finished with that, it was time to move on. I began to make my way to the hunting department. I can't believe humans have to use all this crap, just to take down a deer. Can you say boring? Where was the fight ─ for the deer that is. Humans had to be the most boring creatures to ever walk the face of the Earth! Well, with one exception. It's always fun to watch Bella fall down. Even if she doesn't get to hear half of the jokes I make inside of my head about her, it's enough just to annoy the hell out of Edward.

Once I was in the hunting department, where all the guns where held, I began to mope around and pretend to be depressed. I picked up one of the guns. It was some kind of rifle. I began to toy with it and turn it around in my hands. After a few minutes, I walked up to the clerk, who was standing behind a counter with a cash register and more hunting supplies.

"Hello sir, how may I help you today?" the clerk asked politely. I looked down at his name tag quickly before answering.

"Well, Wes, I would like to purchase this gun," I said, pointing to the gun I had sat on the counter. I made sure I made my voice as gloomy as possible.

"Okay, well do you have a gun license?" I pulled out my wallet slowly and took out the gun license Alice had given me earlier that morning. She was always prepared. I handed the license over. Wes looked at it and my ID before giving me some papers to sign and purchasing the gun for me. When he was done, I asked him my question, so I could complete my prank.

"Wes," I started, "do you happen to know where the anti-depressants are?" I watched as Wes's face went white. If I couldn't smell him I would have thought he was a vampire.

"A-aisle f-four," he replied, shakingly.

"Thanks," I replied before grabbing the gun and walking away with my shoulders slumped and my head down. I could barely contain my laughter until I was out of sight and ear-shot. I wonder what Edward and Bella are up too?

End Chapter

(A/N): Haha! I crack myself up! Okay a three things before you hound me with questions. One, the reason I know about the whole pig orgasm thing is because my sister got this email that said it. It also said that dolphins and humans are the only creatures that have sex for pleasure. So why do pigs need thirty minute orgasms if they don't enjoy it? Also, people who write with their right hand live nine years longer than people who write with their left hand. Sorry lefties! Two, I'm only fourteen, therefore I don't know anything about condoms except that their not 100 effective and that they come in sizes and flavors, but I do know they have glow in the dark. Quick joke: Why do they make glow in the dark condoms? ... So gay guys can play 'Star Wars'. Three, again, I'm only 14 therefore I don't know how to buy a gun except you have to have a gun license and your ID. Okay, I think that's it! OH! Also, just for you people who are living under a rock, the 'Twilight' movie is coming out three weeks early on November 21, 2008. Apparently, 'Harry Potter' got moved to next summer for some reason that does not relate to 'Twilight'. Okay, rambling done, for now. Salut! – twilighters-anonymous.