Chapter 5: "Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?"

Disclaimer: I was hacking into Stephenie Meyer's computer to steal the rights to Twilight, but Santa showed up and told me if I did it he would put me on the naughty list and I wouldn't get the Twilight stuff for Christmas that I asked for. Damn persuading fat guy in a red suit!

A/N: Ho Ho Ho!!!!!! Stop pinching yourself! You are not dreaming! This really is Kelsey and this really is Chapter 5 of "15 Things..."! I know. Shocking. Yeah, when I let Connie read this chapter first, because she's my best friend, she has that right, she started singing "Hallelujah". The worst part is, we were in the middle of the hallway at school. I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed, I sing in the halls too, loudly. Okay, I'm not even going to make up excuses. So, without any further ado, here is my Christmas/ Haunika (how do you spell that? My sister and I can't figure it out) /Kwanza, whatever holiday you celebrate, gift to you! Enjoy! And thanks for the no death threats.

(Jasper's POV)

All day I had felt like a chameleon changing colors every ten minutes. It seemed as if there was a new emotion coming at me everytime I turned around. It went from Bella's excitement, to Edward's frustration about not knowing what she was so excited about. To Emmett's extreme excitement and evil planning, to Rosalie's annoyance to Emmett's evil planning.To Alice's worry at being seen at Wal-Mart (gasp!). To the store clerk's embarrassment at being yelled and running out of the store with his pants falling down, to the manager's anger with Brandt. To Mike's shock at seeing Edward and Bella making out, to Edward and Bella's lust, and finally to Emmett's annoyance, but amusement at the whole Mike/Bella/Edward scene.

Whew, there had been a lot of emotions today! And it wasn't even two o'clock yet!

But, at last, it was finally time for my pranks.

My first prank would be with Emmett, who had just found me after taking a Wal-Mart bag full of boxes of condoms out to the car. For what, I have no idea.

As we made our way to our first prank together, I couldn't help but to be a little annoyed by the lustful emotions we received from every female human we passed. It was times like these that I truly felt sorry for Edward and his mind-reading capabilities.

When we finally made it to one of the large mirrors by the clothes racks, Emmett loudly asked, "Jazzy do these pants make my butt look big?"

I stifled a giggle and replied in a somewhat homosexual voice, "No, Emmy! Those pants make your butt look great! I could only wish to have as great a butt as you!"

"Oh, thanks, sweetheart! Do you really mean it? Or are you just trying to make me feel good about myself?"

By now, people were starting to pretend to be looking at the clothes, while really watching our conversation. I decided to give them a bit of a show, "Emmy, I really, truly love your butt! It's just so...firm!" I said as I reached out to give his butt a little squeeze. From behind me I heard a little gasp, coming from one of the girls, who, up until recently, had been ogling Emmett and I. "But, Emmy, I have to ask you something...." I sighed sadly. "Does this shirt make me look like I have man boobs?" I asked while puffing out my chest to get my point across better.

Emmett gasped loudly, then, in a shocked voice, said, "Jazzy! Don't you even think like that! Most guys would kill to have a chest like yours! Remember what we learned from Richard: be proud of your body! Okay?"

"You're right, you're totally right. I'm sorry I doubted myself."

"Alright, now, give me a hug, Jazzy." he said before pulling me into a giant bear hug he usually only gives Bella, only rubbing my back, which was kinda creepy.

"Better?" I nodded my head "yes". "Okay. Good. Now, you finish up here. I'm going to see if they have any of those strawberry Slimfast shakes."

"Alright," I agreed. "Oh! See if they have any of those chocolate ones! I've been craving chocolate a lot lately."

End Chapter

A/N: Yes! Chapter 5 done! Don't worry, I know it's a little short, but I'm going to try and get another chapter out before winter break is over. 4 more days til' Christmas! YAY! But there's no snow! Only a frozen front door. My sister told me it was 4 degrees this morning! Anyway, in case you were wondering, the reference to "Richard" by Emmett was Richard Simmons. He's the guy who has curly hair, kinda going bald, wears ugly short, shorts and sleeveless shirts and is on a yogurt commercial saying "Come on ladies! You can do it! Believe in yourself! I believe in you!" He's funny in a creepy I'm-going-to-kill-you way. By the way, I just realized that the title to the last chapter, "Distractions" is the same as chapter 6 in Breaking Dawn! Weird. Well, that's it. Happy Holidays!~twilighters-anonymous.