I want to thank all those who have taken the time to review my story and thank you to all those who read and don't review. Being an avid reader I sometimes don't take the time to review the stories I read and am making an effort to improve on my reviewing. So thank you for the encouragement. I hope you like it and sorry it has taken so long to post. I just couldn't figure out what to write. So here is the next chapter. A heart to heart so to speak. Like always let me know what you think.
"I don't know if I can do this." I am startle for a moment by my own voice. I haven't heard it for what seems like hours. Deep breath Prentiss. Listening to myself I take a deep breath and at that moment I decide to stop thinking with my head and to think with my heart, saying the only thing that comes to mind, "Jennifer, I love you."
I can't believe I just said it out loud. I have wanted to say this to her for months, years even and now I finally say those three words out loud. Man did it feel good. "I love you. I love you. I love you." Yup still feels good. I can feel myself smiling. Man I must look like a fool.
"God Jennifer I love you so much it hurts. What do I do if you don't make it? How do I go on? Can I go on?" My head is pounding. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. "I… Jenn….You…. Damn why is this so hard?" I can do this. I have to do this. Hotch said to tell her how I feel, what she means to me, and tell her why she needs to fight.
"Do you remember the first time we met? I know you do but do you know that since that moment I knew I loved you. I knew from our very first meeting, how ever brief that meeting was, that I loved you. It may not have been love, like I'm in love with you love but I have had feelings for you since the very first day we met. Your eyes were so kind, so warm, so welcoming, so not like most in our line of work. I'm not sure when it happened or even if you could look back and say yup that's the moment my feelings went from love, to in love but somewhere along the lines my love for you as a friend turned into something more, something so much more." Okay maybe I can do this.
"You know I have never been good with expressing my feelings. All this heart to heart stuff has always been so hard for me. Okay so let see. When did I realize my feelings were more than friendly? I guess it hit me when I was talking to Jane about how we can't help who we fall in love with. I think I did a pretty good job at hiding it but truth be told it hit me like a ton of bricks. At that moment I realized I fell in love with my best friend and that thought scared me to death." Okay so far so good. I think I am actually starting to relax. Keep going Prentiss, if you think too much you will talk yourself out of this.
"You, the team…. I never felt like I belonged before. I never felt truly home. But you and the team, you make me feel at home, not only at home but you have given me a family, something I never thought I would have. I know I have an actually family but you all are so much more. You all know me better then they ever will. You in particular have managed to break through all my hard exterior walls, all my compartments, and all my doubts." Holding her hand looking down at her I find myself lost once again. So many thoughts in my head that refuse to be verbalized I have no idea how to continue. I feel tears in my eyes once again but let them fall this time.
"Jenn, you have so much to live for. Do you know how many people love you, how many people need you? Your parents, they look so lost." Should I be telling you this? I'm suppose to be making you feel better right. No I am suppose to remind you why you need to fight, why you need to live. "Your dad looks like he has aged 10 years since you have been here. I know it sounds rough, but you need to know this. Garcia. God poor Garcia. I don't think she will look at the world the same if you don't pull through. Her eyes already seemed dimmer, her smile, it wasn't even there. Morgan cried. He and I held each other and he cried. Morgan doesn't cry. Reid. Well Reid surprised me. He jumped into action when you were shot, tried to control the bleeding but afterwards he reminded me of a lost puppy. His stare was blank. Rossi, well he is always hard to read but I know he cares for you like his daughter. I know this is tearing him up inside. Hotch. Dear god Hotch. I have never heard him speak so softly, so eerily calm before. His expression, which is so very non-affected by anything looked like he was about to crumble." I hope she can hear this. I hope all this isn't for nothing. But than again I guess it is for me too. To help me come to terms with what is going on.
"I guess than that only leaves me. You already know I love you. Okay maybe you don't but I have told you, you're just in a coma so you may not have heard me but I have told you. I can't imagine what my life will be without. I don't want to. I don't think I can stay at the BAU, I don't think I will be able to walk the same halls, see the same people and not have you there as a constant. It will only cause me more pain." Great more guilt, too late already said it, can't take it back now.
"You are the single most loving person I have ever met. Your smile literally can light up a room. Don't know if you know that, but it can. It can make those around you forget the bad. You know they say that the eyes are the window to ones soul and man is that the truth. Your eyes tell so much about what you are thinking and what you are feeling. The shades of blue your eyes turn. Never knew so many blues existed but apparently they do. But what surprised me more than seeing your soul, is that I know you can see mine. When you look at me you make me feel as though I am the only one in a room filled with hundreds. You can see what I am think before I know what I am thinking. You know me better than I know myself. Since meeting you I have learned so much about myself that it scares me. It scares me how much you have taught me about me. I know I have already talked about your smile but I can't help but talk about it again. I love your smile, but what I love most about your smile is your lips. How so badly I want to kiss them, how badly I want them to whisper I love you too." God do I love those lips. I have dreamed of those lips. I feel myself smiling. Than I find myself not smiling, the smile is gone because everything I just said may not matter in the long run. It may not change a thing. She may still die with never knowing just how I feel, how much she means to me.
"I can't lose you. You can't die, you can't give up, and you have to fight. You have to fight for all those people who love you. You have to fight for us, for what could be if only you wake up. Jennifer I promise, if you wake up I will tell you this all over again. I will tell you exactly how I feel but not only will I tell you that I love you and am in love with you but I will show you every single day just how much I love you." I feel my eyelids getting heavy and exhaustion finally wins out.
I am awoken to the sounds off Jenn's monitors going out of control and before I can fully comprehend what is going on, a swarm of doctors and nurses storm the room. "She's seizing." "What the hell happened she was stable?" Everything is a blur, all the technical stuff the doctors are yelling is going in one ear and out the other. I have no idea what happened. Katie the nurse from the other night is pulling at my arms trying to get me out of the room. "We need to give them room to work on her."
"She's coding." "Grab the paddles." "Charging." "Clear." "Anything?" "Nothing." "Clear." "Again." "Still nothing."
I am trying to figure out how long this has been going on. How long they have been working on Jennifer. Watching helplessly I can feel myself having a panic attack, my chest is tightening, my breathing is no where near regular, I am feeling light headed and finally the events take its toll and I release the contents of my stomach all over poor Katie. She is still holding me when I hear "Call it. Time of death 3:13am."