Okay it's no secret that this chapter has taken some time to write. I knew exactly where I wanted to go with the last chapter but had so much trouble with this one. I wanted to fill in the blank when it comes to time of death and then Jay Jay not being dead. Also I figure there should be some explanation of how the I love you, and the almost kiss came about. Also, thanks to those who have read and reviewed. The encouraging words go a long way and help guilt me into writing another chapter. So without further delay since we know there has been plenty of that already. Here is the latest installment.
"I love you so much Jenn." Leaning forward our foreheads meet, "I love you too." All my attention is now on that smile but more importantly those very red lips. Reaching my head up to cup her check I begin my decent on those lips, mere inches away I can feel her breath when I hear the most obtrusive noise, a knock at the door. Really now, the team I am assuming, god they have the worst timing known to man. Opening the door sure enough it's the team with take out. As we sit there I can't help but stare at her, the her with her head completely shaved, the her with a large incision on her head, the her I thought I would lose forever, the her I never thought I would get to tell I love you to, the her that just now said she loved me too.
Dinner with the team did a lot to ease my mind. They have been incredibly supportive through this whole thing. No clue how I would have survived without them all. Garcia of course was the last to leave and only after Morgan nearly drug her away. We sent Jay Jay to bed a couple of hours ago, she was such a trooper, trying to stay awake but finally we, the whole team, couldn't take it anymore and forced her to bed. But now the room is empty, just me alone with my thoughts.
The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I can finally find myself relaxing, knowing that Jay Jay is out of the hospital and here in my hotel room. It really does a lot to easy my mind. Walking over to the bedroom I find myself leaning against the doorframe peering in, at the beauty that is Jennifer. She seems so peaceful, with a smile on her lips. I can tell that she too is relaxing, she too is starting the long, slow and drawn out process of recovering. I'm not sure how long I have been here just standing there staring but I know giving the chance I could literally stand here for the rest of my life.
Thinking back to our earlier conversation and the realization of how close I came to losing her comes flooding back. Closing my eyes I flash back to the moment when I felt more pain than I thought ever possible, the moment where I am trying to figure out how long this has been going on. How long they have been working on Jennifer. Watching helplessly I can feel myself having a panic attack, my chest is tightening, my breathing is nowhere near regular, I am feeling light headed and finally the events take its toll and I release the contents of my stomach all over poor Katie. She is still holding me when I hear "Call it. Time of death 3:13am."
When I hear them call time of death I collapse pulling Katie with me and I hear this god awful scream. It takes me a second to realize it is me screaming. "No. No Jay Jay. No, you can't leave me. You can't." Tears are streaming down my face. Somehow I found the strength to stand and find that I am running into the room where everyone is just standing around staring and no one is doing anything. They have probably seen all this before, the loss of a loved one, the distraught family member refusing to acknowledge there is nothing more that can be done.
Reaching Jenn, I see a lifeless body, just lying there. I grab for her hand but soon realize I bypassed the hand and am cradling her body in my arms. Her cold, motionless, lifeless body. Pressing my lips to her temple, I find I am squeezing my eyes shut. Not sure if I am trying to wish this away or just trying to stop the tears. I open my eyes only to the realization that the situation is still very much real. I pull away now brushing my hand through her hair. My mind is racing. I am picturing my life without her, picturing what I will tell everyone, picturing what could have been, picturing when life was so very much easier. Leaning in I close my eyes once again and place a very gentle, very tender kiss near her lips, the breathing tube preventing an actual kiss, damn tube. Pulling away I say, for what could be the last time, three simple words, three words that hold so much meaning, three words that I thought could fix everything, "I love you."
Beep, beep, beep, beep. I hear these series of beeps and just wonder why the hell the owner of this obtrusive pager can't just turn it off or leave the room. For the love of good I just lost my best friend, the love of my life, no not the love of my life, she is just simply my life. I finally can't take it any longer, "for the love of god can someone please stop that irritating beeping?" I see movement and think thank god, now I can have some peace and quiet. But to my surprise instead of turning it off or leaving the room to give me privacy everyone is moving but they are rushing to Jennifer's side. For the second time I feel myself being pulled away from Jennifer.
"I can't believe it, her heart, its beating. Call the O.R. let them know that we are on our way and what to expect. Page Dr. Stevenson let him know we need him yesterday. Agent Prentiss we need you to sign this." With blinding trust I sign a piece of paper that I have no idea what it is for.
Once again I have no clue what is going on. For someone who is usually very in control of everything and very on top of my surroundings I am beginning to question my competence. "What's going on, what are they doing, what did I just sign?"
"Well it would appear that Agent Jareau isn't ready to leave you just yet. And the paper you signed was your consent for her to go to surgery." Turning I see Katie staring at me with a huge smile on her face. Okay not really the response I was expecting but the small bit of humor was much needed and extremely welcomed. It would appear that the horrible pager beeping was actually her heart monitor, god I really am smarter than this.
Katie led me to the O.R. waiting room, telling me that she will call Hotch and fill him in on what just happened. Kneeling in front of me, she places a hand on my knee. "She is in good hands. I can't imagine how scared you are but know, this again proves just how strong Agent Jereau is. Agent Prentiss you need to keep your faith believe in your friend."
She is now getting up to leave. "Jay Jay." I find myself saying. Katie looks at me "her name is Jay Jay, and pleases call me Emily, there is no need for formalities especially after I threw up all over you, which, by the way so sorry about that." The only response I get is a nod of the head and a reassuring smile. With Katie gone I am once again left to my thoughts. Again I came so close to losing her. How much more can I take, how much more can she take, how much more can she give, am I asking too much of her to continue to fight, am I being selfish in not wanting her to go? I find myself thinking about this for some time until I come to the decision. Yup, but I'm okay with that. I will be selfish, I want Jay Jay, I want her alive, I want her to be alright, I want her to fight, but most of all I just want her, I just want to love her.
Time seemed to crawl. Not sure how long I was alone in that room waiting but that did eventually change. After watching the hands on the clock not move for years, okay over dramatic but not far from the truth, the team appeared with the Jareau's. Garcia is rushing me with arms wide open engulfing me in a hug. Her eyes are dark but then again so is everyone's. She pulls away and I get the question I have been dreading and the one I can't answer and it seems everyone in the room wants to know the same thing. "What the hell happened?" Good question but not a clue.
I tell them the little I can remember. Leaving nothing out and by nothing I mean nothing. The declarations of love, the needing her to live, the giving of guilt if she doesn't, the beeping, vomiting on Katie, time of death, more declaring love, the kiss, more beeping, signing a paper, her being rushed off and finally here we are. As I finish my head is hung and I am looking very intently at my hands. Finally looking up I see everyone staring at me. Okay I know, a lot to take in believe me I know, I was there after all but could one of them say something, anything. Hotch starts to open his mouth, yes someone is going to say something but then he closes it again. Damn so close. But finally the silence is broken when a doctor appears.
"Agent Prentiss," I stand indicating I am Agent Prentiss. "I'm Dr. Stevenson. I am the one that operated on Agent Jareau." As soon as he said her name I sat back down, not really able to stand, not sure what he will say. He is now kneeling in front of me looking right at me, right into my eyes, making sure I not only hear the words he is about to say but see him, to know that the words are real. "As you are very much aware Agent Jareau's"
I stop him right there "Her name is Jay Jay, please call her that, and please call me Emily."
"As you know Jay Jay's heart stop. We believe the reason for that was due to bleeding in her brain. It caused an immense amount of pressure and finally it was too much. We were able to release the pressure by cutting into her skull which allowed the blood to drain and to lessen the pressure. It does appear that, at least for now, the bleeding has stopped and the swelling has not increased. She is incredibly lucky, and incredibly strong. We will be monitoring her very closely for the next 24 hours and honestly we don't know if there will be any lasting effects from her brain being deprived of oxygen and from the bleeding itself. I wish I could tell you more but really it is a waiting game. She is being moved back to her room and you should be able to see her when she is settled back in. I would imagine an hour or two. All signs so far after surgery are looking good. Do you have any questions for me, any of you?" He says this last bit as he looks at all the onlookers. Some questions were asked. Mainly questions he couldn't answer but he tried to be reassuring.
After he left I remained seated and looking at my hands until I found the strength to look up. Big mistake. Everyone looked like they weren't there. They all looked so distant, so raw, can't blame them guessing I look very similar if not worse. The doctor was right a little after an hour Katie came and said Jay Jay was back in her room and resting comfortably. I wonder how she knows it's a comfortable rest or if she is just saying that for our sake. She once again leads us to Jenn's room where in the same groups as earlier we make our way in. And just like last time I am last to go in, and just like last time Hotch tells me to stay with her and to talk to her. Unlike last time the team and the Jareau's, who are honorary team members, don't leave, apparently they are headed to the cafeteria, refusing to leave.
Walking up to the door I find myself reliving prior events. Standing in front of the door that leads to Jenn, hand ready to push but before I can look through the rectangle window of doom Katie stops me. "Emily, before you go in I want to warn you." I turn to look at her, trying to get a read as to what she is going to say. I mean really how much more warning will this visit need my eyes meet hers and she continues. "Like before she is hooked up to a lot of machines all doing what is needed to keep her alive. Like last time there is a breathing tube but what I want to warn you about is her physical appearance. In order to operate they needed to have a clear area and since it was her head, they had to shave her head. She also has a sizable incision, which is swollen, red, and still a little bloody." She continues and part of me is listening and part of me is thinking, did she say they had to shave her head, all of it, I find myself wondering. Nodding, letting her know that I heard what she said I turn towards the door and this time without hesitation I push the door open and walk in. Like I have done so many times already I approach the bed, though this time with more confidence than previously. That is until I see the complete and utter lack of hair. My hand instinctively moves toward where just an hour ago beautifully long blonde hair once had been. Touching the opposite side of the incision I gently caress her head. Sitting down I take her hand again and just stare at her, at the beauty that is Jennifer Jareau.
Time is the enemy but at the same time brings hope. I have not left this bed in what seems like days. Okay in reality one day but hey that's still a long time to sit and do nothing except stare at Jenn and continue to tell her over and over again how much I love her, how much she means to me, how much she means to so much many, and telling her what we will have when she wakes up. The team, true to their word stayed the whole night and into the next day. Everyone taking turns, giving me some alone time, each member doing exactly the same as I have, talking, staring the usual. With visiting hours once again coming to an end to what I guess is technically the second day, god I don't even know what day it is, I am again left alone with Jay Jay, left alone with my thoughts until thankfully sleep takes hold of me and I allow myself to give in.
Beep, beep, beep, beep. Man even in my sleep I hear beeping. Wait no, not in my sleep, in my reality. I am again awoken to the noise that brings nothing but pain and despair. Opening my eyes, trying to prepare myself for the worst, however, I find something very unexpected. I see two of the most beautiful blue eyes, lord knows I have wanted to see them for ages. However, looking into those eyes, I don't see the light that is Jay Jay, the love that is her, I see fear and I see panic and I realize that what I see is how she is feeling. Reaching for her hand I give it a squeeze.
"Jennifer. Jennifer look at me. It's going to be okay. You need to try and relax. Look at me, you can do it. Just try and breathe slowly. The tube is helping you breath okay." Where this new found confidence has come from, not a clue but right now I don't care. Jenn needs me and she shall have me. Before I can reach the call button a swarm of doctors and nurses come flooding in, including Katie. Does this woman never sleep? Katie approaches me but this time I don't need help backing away to give them room, I just make sure I am in eye sight of Jenn so she knows I am there and that everything will be alright.
"Jay Jay. I need you to try and relax. Can you do that for me." I see her try and nod but not being able to, she finally decides to just comply. "I am going to ask you a series of questions. I want you to blink once for yes and twice for no. Do you understand?" One blink, good she under stands. "I know you probably want the tube out, but before that we need to make sure of some things first, okay?" Another blink. As the doctor asks her question after question all I can do is look on with hope, so much hope. I keep looking at her with as much confidence and as much love as I can. Not sure who I do this more for, her or me. After what seems like an endless stream of questions I see the doctor reaching for the tube and before I can comprehend what is happening the tube is out and Jenn is coughing but more importantly Jenn is breathing. The doctors continue their evaluation of her as I just look on, Katie whispers that she is going to let the team know, all I can do is nod in acknowledgement.
With the number of doctors and nurses decreasing I find myself inching my way closer to her. Finally the last doctor, Dr. Stevenson, " Jay Jay, you really gave us a scare, especially Emily here. All in all I am very happy with your progress, things are looking good. I could not have asked for anything better. I'll give you two sometime alone before the rest of your group shows up. Take it easy Jay Jay, your throat will be sore, so keeping talking to a minimum if possible. I'll be back in a little while to check on you. Emily, take could care of her while I'm gone." With that he leaves.
The whole time he was talking I never took my eyes off of her, now reaching for the chair I pull it close to her bed and sit down still staring at her. I have waited for this moment for what seems like forever, I have waited for her to wake up, for her to open those baby blue eyes of hers, for her to be alright. Her head is turned toward me, her eyes shining, the light, that sparkle that I love so much has returned. I can't imagine a greater feeling than seeing that sparkle. Okay that smile she has plastered on her face, which, I can only assume resembles the stupid grin on mine, is a very close second. I see the wheels turning in her head as I she processes all that just has happened and all that she has just learned. She looks at me, squeezes my hand and finally after days of being able to say nothing she finally tries to speak, "Em."
I interrupt her by raising my hand "Jennifer. Whatever it is it can wait. You heard the doctor, you should rest." She reaches for my hand and pushes it down onto the bed and looks into my eyes. She closes her eyes, good she's going to be a good patient and listen to the doctors. Her eyes open, nope, from the look in her eyes she's not going rest, she is going to say whatever it is that is on her mind. "Em." She continues to look at me and I see this devilish grin. "I love you too." With that said she closes her eyes and to my surprise and relief she falls asleep. She loves me too, I can't believe my ears, she said I love you too. I have waited a lifetime this moment.