Howard Wolowitz had been handling his new married life quite well, or so he believed. He and Bernadette had moved into a new apartment just last week, much to his mother's dismay. The place was quaint but cozy, with basic utilities, cable TV, and an extra nursery room for the twins they were expecting. It wasn't much, but he supposed it was enough for him, for the time being. Howard didn't like to bite off more than he could chew.
Despite her rigourous work life, Bernadette had finally been approved for maternity leave. Postponing her 2-million dollar government research grant would have required nothing less than a miracle performed by a God on drugs, but it happened anyway. Which meant, she was at home all the time now, and Howard was left to pamper her heavy, hormonally-possessed body. He tended to her every wish, which often included fetching her ice cream in the middle of the night and giving her foot massages. Lest he'd feel her infernal wrath. Though Howard found it extremely annoying, he bit his tongue and did exactly what his dragon lady commanded. She was getting off work to carry his kids, after all.
But thankfully, Bernadette wasn't home today. So, instead of having a ticking time bomb as a companion, he had Raj.
Though they couldn't spend as much time together as they used to, Howard made it one of his top priorities to get together with Raj at least once a week. In secret, of course. He had no business in letting anyone else, especially Bernadette, know of their relationship. It was not like he had gotten tired of her already. Howard simply needed a break every once in a while. That's all. Every man got tired of being a man sometimes, and he was no exception. Plus, the sex was good, so Howard couldn't complain.
Raj was cuddling so close, no, burrowing so deeply into Howard's cradle that it made Howard want to grow out bigger arms just so he could protect him from the cold January air that was seeping into their room and through the bedsheets. Though he was to cheap to turn the heater on, Howard was warm, so warm that he could feel his whole world melt away, feel the fabric of time and space unthreading around him, just from looking into Raj's eyes. His eyes... It was like staring into oceans of... uh... something sweet, something warm, like hot chocolate. His lips, his skin even tasted like it.
Howard bent down to kiss his big baby's sweaty forehead. How he wished that this very instant could last for all of eternity.
But, something had to ruin it.
"I love you, Howard," Howard had heard Raj say. His voice was soft, soft enough that it almost could not have been heard. Perhaps it was because Howard didn't want to hear it in the first place. He wished he had not heard that... Oh, how he wished he had not heard what he had dreaded to hear all this time... Howard did not want to deal with this right now... Damn it, damn it, damn it!
"I'm leaving," Raj said simply, many moments later, his cold words slicing through Howard's train of thoughts like a fire-hot razor. Raj yanked Howard's arms off his body and jumped out of the bed. Howard had then realized just how long he had been hesitating to say those three little words back to Raj. Damn, Raj must have thought he was the biggest douche right now, he knew he felt like the biggest douche right now.
Howard got up as quickly as he could to chase after Raj, who was now furiously struggling to put on his shirt. He lunged at the taller man, throwing his arms around his waist, as if he was trying to bring down a quarterback, crashing all of his body weight into him so he wouldn't leave. Raj couldn't leave yet, Howard was going to fix this. He had to fix it.
"Let me go, Howard," Raj said quietly, but dangerously.
Howard merely... chuckled at his command, though was surprised at how dry it managed to sound. "Come back," he found himself begin to whisper cloyingly into Raj's ear. He hoped that by pretending what had happened never happened, he could somehow seduce Raj back into bed with him, and everything would be fine. That was his plan, and, as usual, Howard's logic made as much sense as a flaming umbrella.
"And what, be your fuck-buddy?" Raj snapped, standing still like a statue in Howard's embrace, his fingers digging into the unworn shirt he still clutched in his hand.
Howard sighed dramatically and walked up to Raj, still unwilling to abandon his charade. "Well dude, obviously we can't be any more than that," he said reasonably, "What do you want me to do, leave her?"
Raj looked at him for a painfully long time, his gaze expressionless, illegible. Though Howard could see that pools of tears were beginning to swell up in his eyes, Raj never actually allowed himself to cry. "I want you to think about it," he shrugged, before walking away.
Howard remained utterly frozen, speechless, until his apartment door clicked, and Raj was gone for good.
Howard took the step ahead to open the door for his Bernadette, who, thanks to her delicate condition, was panting and heaving from the short walk from their home to the Cheesecake Factory. Tonight was one of the rare nights in which she was not a pain in the ass, so Howard figured it was appropriate that he took her out for dinner. Putting his one arm around her shoulders to keep her fatigued body from tipping over, he walked them up to Penny, who just happened to be their waitress for the night.
"Oh look, it's Howard and his wife Bernadette!", she greeted with artificial enthusiasm, waving her arms in a happy dance. She hated Howard as much as good friends were allowed to do so. He was a pretentious, arrogant, conceited bastard who did not deserve Bernadette.
"Hello, Penny!" Howard replied with the same insincerity, tilting his head endearingly and forcing his face into a stiff, jack-o-lantern grin.
The nerve of that woman! He always looked presentable, and Bernie also managed to not look like a fat pregnant mess tonight. So what the flying fuck was her problem?
Raj, with whom he had not been with in weeks, had turned Howard into a crotchety old man. Howard tried to forget about Raj, he really did. But, all that ended up happening was that everyone in the group had to suffer from Howard's perpetual, and tenfold more deadly version of PMS.
Howard turned over and shoved Bernie into a grouchy, sour kiss. They broke apart, eventually, and Howard lead her into their table, where they took their seats next to each other in silence.
As opposed to actually eating it, Howard preferred poking at his meat loaf repeatedly with a fork instead. He wasn't hungry, because whenever his mind was troubled by something, his digestive tract became as exclusive as the Garden of Eden.
Oh sweet mother of God, he carved a smiley face!
"Howard," Bernadette's gentle voice smacked Howard right back into reality. He shuddered a bit, mentally prepping himself for another of her nagging sessions. They were tedious, pointless talks that tried to coax him into taking more responsibility, to do more stuff for her. Howard inwardly sighed. With women, one had to be patient, Howard had told himself repeatedly.
However, Howard knew that even if he had won the lottery for her, and bought her a whole fucking mountain of diamond jewelry, tampons, and those gay chick-flick DVD's (which made him think of Raj again), Bernadette still wouldn't be satisfied, so what was the point?
Instead, all he wanted to do was to punch the stupid bitch in the mouth, and give her an abortion with his foot.
Howard felt no regret, no guilt, from having thoughts like that. He couldn't feel any guilt, nor have any second thoughts about the monster he had become. Raj was gone, and nothing else mattered anymore.
So, Howard smiled stiffly and tossed at her acknowledging nod, as if to say, "Yes, I am still listening to all your nonsense." He couldn't do anything more than that. They were in public, and he was wearing his good suit. so he obviously couldn't use his irritation at Bernadette as an excuse to throw a temper tantrum like he wanted to.
A part of Howard didn't even want to think too nicely of, or be too nice to Bernadette anymore. Yes, a few years back, when they first started dating, she was his queen, his goddess. He had allowed himself to worship her. Her convenient entrance into his life had made her the outlet onto which he had unleashed all of his previous desperate, hopeless romance. Ever since he hit puberty, Howard had wanted a beautiful girl to hold and kiss. He had wanted to marry one ever since he met Penny for the first time. Well, it was before he had learned to hate her. His long held dream was now fulfilled, and Bernadette was just... there, kept as a trophy of his past victory.
This must a common symptom between all married men, Howard believed, that one would eventually grow weary of their wife.
However, Howard scrapped these thoughts upon thinking back, rather inadvertently, to Raj. Had he followed this theory, Raj therefore would have been Bernadette's replacement. Howard's next target, per se. No, Howard rejected these claims. Raj was not like that, he meant so much more to him.
As hot as if may had been that he was keeping Raj as a slutty mistress on the side, Raj was not, Howard would never allow him to become, the second Bernadette.
Raj was too important in Howard's heart to deserve such cruelty. It sickened him to think about the prospect of ever doing to him what he had done to his wife. Though Raj was only his lover, and had caused Howard to break a few of the ten commandments which he followed rather hypocritically, they had only ever done what felt natural to them. Howard never forced himself into being with Raj. Instead, he blamed it all on the force of gravity. He fell into their friendship, fell into their first kiss, fell into Raj's bed, and fell...
Well, Howard did love him. He always had. But, it took years excruciating mental torture to admit this fact. So, if it took all this time to tell it to himself, how could he have told Raj that he loved him right on the spot like he had been forced to?
Howard almost didn't even want to tell Raj that he loved him. Ever. Or else, their love would have felt too... real, too real than what he could handle. He did not want to be in an actual relationship with Raj, nor write the paperwork that came with this formality, nor have to face all the odds that would be turned against them if their relationship were to be come legitimate. Howard didn't want to bring them into reality. What they had shared was perfect, ethereal, even, and he would have committed the world's greatest sin if he had done anything to perturb this delicate bond that time itself had stopped for.
Please review, thanks! Sorry, but don't expect another update until mid to late November. School is hard, dude.