Neither Jade nor Dave were that particularly angsty when it came down to their conversations about John Egbert and the problems he was causing in their otherwise wonderful possible relationships, but the name had stuck after Dave had jokingly commented on how much they sounded like desperate schoolgirls over the whole subject. The matter was made no better by the fact that their conversations had grown more and more common recently. Stupid sexy godtiers, they'd say with a laugh as they discussed their friends. At least it seemed to them that Rose and John were not going to be a couple in the end. Their relationship seemed to be moving exceptionally slow, as if the two were still 13-year-olds having a middle school romance; it wasn't long before that Dave found himself cringing as John chattered to him about how the two had held hands.
"Oh my god, really?" Jade had said, giggling. The event had been major enough that the two had met at a little diner as opposed to speaking over the internet.
Dave took a sip from the vanilla milkshake they were sharing ("We can't get chocolate, Dave. Do you know what chocolate does to dogs?")and nodding slightly.
"Good job, Egderp. You get almost a month into your relationship and finally make it three steps off of the home plate."
"I don't know if I should feel happy or sad for them, I really don't," Jade said. "Are they really even dating? I'm starting to wonder."
"With those two, I'm alwayswondering," Dave said, right as one of the strange salamander-like waitresses (waiters? It was hard to tell) stopped by to see how the "sweet couple" was doing. Dave found himself shaking his head as the amphibious being walked away again. "Like that. Why exactly did we let them make the citizenship of new universe we created a bunch of overgrown lizards?"
"I'm not sure we 'let' them any more than the trolls 'let' Karkat give the two of us red blood," Jade said, a bemused grin on her face. "Besides, I think that they're a pretty decent species. And there's plenty of kids being raised at the ectobiology lab."
"Good, so humans will once again walk the Earth in a couple decades when all of our lab-babies grow up," he groaned. "Until then, we're trapped on a never ending episode of Barney from which there's no escape."
"Really, salamanders aren't anything close to dinosaurs," Jade chastised. "And didn't the planet wind up getting named Bob?"
"I don't think I voted on that."
"Of course not; the whole place had been here millenia before we set foot on it, stupid!"
"Anyway, we're getting off the topic," Dave said, tapping a spoon against the base of the glass with mild annoyance."The fact that on our own planet we're outnumbered by sentient 7th-grade dissection experiments is ironic and all, but it really doesn't help the fact that the nerd and the princess of darkness are slowly crawling through the dirt to first base."
"I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before Rose decides that she isn't really interested in something that's such a drag," she said hopefully, and Dave scoffed.
"Are you talking about the same Lalonde I'm talking about? The one who spent months doing nothing but waxing poetic to one another over the internet for months of their relationship?"
"Well, I always assumed that was because trolls and humans...um, consummate their relationships in different ways?" Jade said, cocking her head slightly.
"I'm guessing you never fooled around with any of them then, if you don't think they get up to just the same kind of kinky shit that we do." Dave's eyes crinkled behind his glasses in amusement, but his mouth stayed stoic. He had found himself in...situations once or twice with some of their grey comrades, and found that they seemed to be pretty similar as far as the way sex went. He supposed that had to do partially with the fact that they probably contributed their own knowledge of sex when the human race was gestating within the universal frog...oh, no, no, don't go there. Now you're thinking about salamander-person junk. Gross, Dave, gross.
There had been a couple times he had thought about ditching the whole idea of dating John when he was hanging out with the trolls. Interesting thing about trolls-turned out that the whole gender/sex thing was a lot more lax when it came to the aliens. They seemed to have genders, yeah, but it seemed that when you got a troll naked they had the same twosets of equipment below the waist. It may have been momentarily shocking to his partners that Dave didn't have a little Dave perking up as well, but they all seemed to shrug it off as gender and sex separating into two inborn things. Hell, they probably thought that Jade was the one with a penis between the two of them.
Of course, he couldn't stop wanting to get into John's pants any more than he could have reallygotten into any sort of quadrant relationship, so here he was again. At least Jade was good company to keep.
And there it was, the cute blush on Jade's cheeks at his alluding to her sexual life. Damn, if only they were straight, he would have been so willing to go out with her.
"That's...not really important, is it?" she squeaked out, remembering a couple of far less successful encounters she had had with the other species.
"Yeah, I suppose it's not that important considering the fact that Rose and John may start pecking each other's cheeks in a few months."
"Oh Dave," she giggled, "if you're so sure it won't happen any time soon, then why don't you just try to steal John away?"
"Because flirting with your brother may cause problems between me and my sister," Dave said simply, and Jade leaned forward on the table.
"Is that really true? I think that Rose would be a lot more understanding than you think."
"Come on. Rose isn't going to be like 'Oh, Dave, I see you are by far the superior sibling who deserves the boy.'"
"'In fact, this was all a psychological experiment to see if the added incentive of challenging a romantic competitor would make you move faster. Good show, Strider,'" Jade said in an amazing imitation of the blonde girl, and Dave actually let the very corner of his mouth twitch into a tiny smile.
"Yeah, I'm sure that's not Lalonde's MO. Besides, if you think it would be so easy to just wedge in there, then why don't you just go sweep the princess away with your adorable canine charm?"
"Because I have a feeling she's a lot more into John than he is into her." She was still smiling, though she was chewing her lower lip nervously. "She'd mentioned liking John before they ever started dating, after all. But in all my conversations with John," she looked up mischievously, "he would talk about how cool youwere."
"Oh?" Dave asked, careful not to show any hint that the fact gave him some hope. Jade nodded.
"And what's more than that," Jade added, motioning for the bill, "Rose knows you're totally in love with John."
"Oh." His discomfort was mildly more visible.
"She even told me once that if you two wound up getting together, she would be totally ok with it!" she chirped. "Apparently she thinks you guys would make a good couple."
"Huh. Wonder why she never told methat."
"Wonder why you haven't told John you want him to have your babies." Dave choked on the milkshake and Jade giggled. "Really, Dave. Just pull up the courage and kiss the boy!"
"It's not that simple..." Dave said, and Jade looked at him inquisitively.
"Come on, Dave! I know you can do it!" she said. "Just use that charm of yours and you're sure to make him melt."
"Now thank you for the words of encouragement, darlin'," Dave said in a somewhat fake southern drawl, lowering his glasses a bit and wiggling his eyebrows. Aww, and there's Jade's blush again. Damn,he's good.
"Haha, go on, just go after him, alright?"
"Only if you start flirting with Lalonde. I'm not going to be the only homebreaker here."
"Fine, jeez," she said. The two of them stood from the table and hugged tightly. "So, maybe we're not going to have to have these little hang out sessions anymore soon?"
"Hey, I'll always want to hang out with my girl," he said, saluting casually as he turned to go. "Right. So Project Morally Dubious Seduction is a go?"
"Roger!" she said with a little salute of her own.
"Awesome," Dave said, pushing his shades back up, and turning to head out the door.
This was going to be a disaster.