"So that's the latest here." Shepard finished her tale of her disaster of a movie night story.

"Oh, honey, it's got to be rough. But you managed on the first Normandy." Hannah Shepard tried to sooth her agitated daughter.

"It was different then. Sort of. Well, no not really. But I just thought that if they all saw we were basically the same…" Shepard trailed off and sighed.

"Things don't wrap up neatly like in vids and stories, sweetie. I know you care about them all. Just be the leader you are and they'll all follow your example."

"I…" Shepard trailed off and turned to her door as it swooshed open.

Grunt rushed in and bounced excitedly. "Shepard, I need your panties!"

Shepard blinked at him and then turned back to her mother. "Um, Mom, I'm going to have to call you back. I have a…situation here."

"Why did he ask for your…" Shepard quickly disconnected the line and rubbed her face before turning back to Grunt.

"Why do you need my panties?" Shepard asked standing slowly. Wrex had assured her that Grunt would settle down now that he'd passed the rite. That his hormones wouldn't get the best of him anymore.

"For your honor." He nodded to her as if she should already know all of this.

"Grunt, what the hell are you talking about?"

"For the competition."

"What competition?"

"The one Joker is doing so we can pay him back the credit we owe him." Grunt explained. Shepard sighed and sat back down, resting her head in her hands.

"Let me get this straight. Joker is running some sort of competition that requires you to get my panties?" Shepard looked at Grunt who nodded. "Why exactly?"

"We owe him lots of credits. He said this was a way to earn some of them back."

"We?"

"Every male on the ship." Grunt nodded. Shepard looked up at him, her eyes widening.

"Ever male in the ship is going to ask me for my panties?"

"Doubtful. All were grumbling about yours. None had the nerve to try."

"Wait…are they going after others as well?"

"Each girl is worth a different amount. If I bring yours I will win." Grunt bounced again.

"You have got to be…Joker!" Shepard hissed. Shepard looked at Grunt who was watching her expectantly. "How long is this competition going to go on?"

"We have two hours to meet back in the hold. Can I have yours?"

Shepard stood up and moved to her drawers and pulled out a pair of standard issue alliance underwear. She never wore these, but there was no way anyone other than Joker was going to see what she really wore. Although after this stunt, it might be a while before Joker ever would again.

"You can have them on two conditions." Shepard said. Grunt tilted his head as he eyed her. "You don't ask anyone else for theirs, and you do not tell anyone else about this conversation until they ask you how you got mine." Shepard explained as she handed him the underwear. Grunt looked at them puzzled.

"What are these? They wouldn't protect anything."

"Just my modesty." Shepard smiled at him.

"I don't understand. What are they for?"

"Well, panties are what girls wear to cover their, um, private parts." Shepard tried to explain wishing she was doing anything but.

"Over their…oh. OH!" Grunt held them between his thumb and forefinger, making a face as he thought about the fact he was holding something so personal of his battle master's.

Shepard laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. "It's alright, Grunt. They haven't been worn." He nodded and tucked them away in his armor.

"Thank you, Shepard. This is for your honor."

"Um, thanks, Grunt." Shepard said and watched him leave. She waited until she heard the elevator moving before she contacted EDI.

"Joker asked me not to inform you, Commander." EDI said as soon as Shepard called her name.

"I'm not mad at you, EDI. I need your help to make sure we have all the girls meet us down in engineering in two hours and fifteen minutes. That should be enough time for Grunt to have dropped the bomb on the men."

"I'll deliver the message to all the female crew members five minutes before the time to meet you. That way none of the males wises up to it." EDI answered.

"Thanks, EDI."

-0-

Joker was feeling pretty good by the time the men started waving around their finds. Some things weren't a surprise. Miranda wore black lacy undies, not a huge shocker. But some things were insane. He was calling bullshit on Zaeed's insistence that the pair of pink polka dots with little pink bows on each hip was Jack's.

"There is no way she wears those! I bet she doesn't wear anything." Joker said.

Garrus held up another pair that had rainbows that sparkled on them. "These are hers too." Garrus laughed and shook his head. "I wouldn't have believed it either, but the whole drawer was full of these things."

The men laughed and taunted each other as the rest were revealed. It was going better than he could have hoped for. He then saw Grunt who had a giant grin on his face. He'd been too quiet.

"So did you get any, Grunt?" Joker asked silencing the room as they all turned to look at the grinning krogan.

"Just one pair." He shrugged casual like.

"Don't beat yourself up, kid. It's hard to get around unseen when you're a krogan." Zaeed said and slapped his shoulder.

"I only needed one pair to win." Grunt said smugly and triumphantly held up Shepard's underwear above his head.

All the men stared at him stunned. They then turned to Joker. "Are those Shepard's?" Thane asked.

"Not the ones she wears, but she has a few pairs like that." Joker said absently. "How the hell did you manage to get Shepard's?" Joker had only put her on there as a joke. There was no way anyone would have been able to get into her room without her knowledge except maybe Kasumi.

"I asked her for them." Grunt said just as Shepard had instructed.

"You did what?" Joker shrieked. Shepard was going to kill him.

Garrus narrowed his eyes at Joker as the men all began to shift around nervously. "I thought you said she knew about this."

"She, uh, knew I was working on something." Joker said nervously as the room shifted to glare at him.

Shepard debated letting Joker sweat a bit longer, but she didn't need him broken. She released her cloak and leaned against his chair. "I think we need to have a conversation about appropriate past times on the ship."

"Shepard, we can explain!" Garrus said quickly.

She waved him off. "Don't bother. I get it. Men are men no matter what. Or I guess I should say boys. This is pretty juvenile behavior. But I'm not mad. Amused, puzzled, but not mad."

"It was just a bit of fun. We weren't trying to cause trouble." Jacob said.

"Joker, my room. Now." She ordered and waited for him to get to the door before she followed. She paused at the door to look back at the men of her ship. "Don't look so worried. I'm not mad at you." The doors opened and angry female voices could be heard out in the hall. "I can't speak for the rest of the girls though." She grinned as she motioned the women in. "No killing, ladies."

Shepard was still smiling as they climbed into the elevator. Angry shouts could be heard coming from the cargo hold as well as frantic pleas. "Those are my favorite pairs, you jackasses!" Jack shouted as the doors shut and the elevator started up to Shepard's room.

"Care to tell me how panty raids are teambuilding?" Shepard asked looking at Joker.

"It will be. You'll see." He insisted relieved that she didn't seem mad. "Thanks for saving me back there." He said as the doors opened.

"I didn't want you broken. But if you think I'm done with you, you are mistaken."

"Now, hold on!" Joker said and followed her into her room. "You said you would trust me."

"And I also told you not to upset any of my friends."

"Oh, they'll get over it! And besides, the results will be worth it! Trust me!" He begged. "Come on, you said you would." He all but whined.

"Fine, but when it doesn't work to unite the men as a team, you have to go with me to that formal thing Liara's invited me to. And wear a tux."

"Alright. I'll agree because I know that I'm right. So when it does make them a team, what will you do for me?" He said sitting down on the bed.

"I'll do that thing that you like me to do." Shepard said and refused to look at him.

He leaned back on his elbows and grinned. "What thing? There's lots of things I like you to do."

"Don't make me say it."

"Fine, fine. But I'll only agree if it's buns and all."

"The buns go with the other." Shepard argued.

"Buns and all, or no deal."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'll agree because I know that I'm right." She taunted him.

"We'll see who's right tomorrow night."

-0-

The next morning they rode the elevator down together to the mess hall. They were going to grab a quick bite together before heading to their jobs. Shepard froze as she rounded the corner and saw the table.

Jacob, Thane, Garrus, Zaeed, Hadley, Kenneth, Grunt, Mordin, and two other Cerberus men she couldn't recall their names were sitting together and laughing. At the next table Miranda, Jack, Kelly, Gabby, Kasumi, Samara, and Tali were sitting together and shooting dirty looks at the men.

"Even Thane is sitting at the table." Shepard said stunned. Thane hardly ever came out of life support unless it was for a mission.

Joker gave her a smirk and swaggered as best he could to the mess line. "Oh look! Big honey buns today. I just love big honey buns, don't you?" Joker couldn't help but poke.

"Laugh it up, Joker!" She snapped.

"Ah, honey! I thought you would be happier." He laughed as she rounded the corner and flipped him an obscene gesture. "Real mature, Shepard!"