Chapter 2 BPOV

Every night I have the same haunting dream. My down fall is replayed detail for detail. So vivid; so real.

Edward leads me into the forest behind my house. He turns to face me and says "Bella I'm leaving and I don't want you to come with me". I beg and plead for him to stay but he just kisses my forehead and vanishes, leaving me alone in the forest. I can't believe this is happening. He really never loved me .I was just a distraction. That revelation brought on a round of hysterical sobbing. I was crying so much I needed to gasp for breath. After what seems like ages of crying I eventually calm down enough to be aware of my surroundings. Its pitch black and I hear my name being called but I don't care. I don't want to be found. I just want to lay here and be miserable in peace.

I jump at the sound of a branch snap behind me. The next thing I know I'm pinned on the ground by a dark figure .I try to break his grasp but at no prevail .the next noise I hear makes my heart stop; I hear a dark familiar voice laughing; James. He hits my left check with so much force I go flying several yards back into a huge oak tree. He runs vampire speed over to me where I lay frozen. In my head I'm screaming in pain and for help but the action isn't fulfilled by my body; no one can hear me. No one is coming to save me.

He pins me underneath him again and in a blink of an eye we are both naked. I finally get control of my body back and I beg and plead for him to stop but I'm no match for him, he will win so I just lay there and sob. He starts kissing me roughly on my neck and chest. I feel like my stomach churning. He enters me with so much force it's as if I'm being torn in two. The pain goes on for what seems like hours or maybe days but eventually dulls. I'm sore, bleeding and I think I have a concussion. But that's just physical, my wounds will eventually heal but emotionally I'm even worse .I will never forget this for the rest of my life; I'm broken. James then leans in and says "Now I know why Edward liked you so much your body is superb, one of the finest I've come across". I felt like I was going to be sick. I felt so dirty and I felt hatred, fear, abandoned and devastated all at the same time. I didn't know how much more i could take and then while James put on his clothes he said "It's been fun, but I have to get going and so you don't miss me to much I have a good bye present for you" and with those words he picked up my battered body off of the forest floor by my hair and punched in the right side of my head. I didn't even have time to scream before I was flying high through the air. I landed seconds later, what seems like miles from where I was before. My head came into contact with a rock and I remember my ears ringing so loud I couldn't even think straight. And then….nothing.

I woke up screaming, covered in sweat and breathless like every night. Screams are the only sound that ever escapes my lips. I don't need hearing to know that their loud, filled with agony and fear. Charlie doesn't even come in to check on me anymore. The dreams have been getting worse and worse every night. I have been getting even less sleep than the already usual 5 hours my nightmares have allotted me. I feel terrible because I know that Charlie doesn't get much sleep either on account of my thrashing and screams. I roll over to check the time, its only 4:30. I groan internally. I can never get back to sleep and lying in bed thinking is never good, my thoughts are filled with pain; my thoughts are my enemy.

I decided to go over to my dinosaur of a computer and see if I have any e mails from Renée. "You have 1 new message'' the screen flashes at me. It was from Renee, asking how I've been and telling me how things have been with Phil. I'm glad at least things with Phil are working out; I'm just happy she's happy. I write back the usual "I'm fine", "schools good" "say hi to Phil for me" and "I love you". I sent the email and shutdown the computer. I check the clock again hoping to have used a good portion of time; 5:00. I still have 2 hours until school starts, UGH. I find myself in this same situation every morning. I trudge to the bathroom and turn on some very hot water to hopefully soothe me. I slip off my pajamas and step in. I involuntarily moan as the hot water engulfs my body. I turn off the water and just relish in the peace that envelops me. Sometimes when I'm in here I like to think about the positives of no sound. No more annoying gossip, no more lectures and most importantly no more music. Music reminds me to much of him. Everywhere I go I see something that brings him to the fore front of my mind.

I'm brought out of my reverie with sharp shivers sent up my spine. That feeling brings back too many memories of him and I jump out of the tub and race out the bathroom not even bothering to grab a towel. I collapse on my bed and sob into my pillow for what seems like hours until I calm down enough to check my alarm for the third time this mourning; 6:30. Great now I'm going to be late. I rapidly threw on faded pair of blue jeans and a white knit sweater, combed my matted hair, put in my ugly hearing aid and ran down the stairs. I'm thankful I don't trip anymore. It is really true that when you lose a sense the remaining ones are heightened. In my case my balance has improved and I no longer trip. Even though I'm deaf, I still use the hearing aid for some very suddle background noise and it helps me read lips better. I grabbed a pop tart and choked that down while I frantically searched for my orange backpack. I put on my jacket, slung my backpack over my shoulder and make my way to my car. After the accident, Renee and Phil bought me a new car. Phil's baseball career took off so there was some extra money to spend. It's a blue Porsche. They felt better knowing I was in something safer than my truck. It's really nice, but I find it unnecessary. It has so many extra features that I never touch. However it does have a safety feature that alerts me if an emergency vehicle is coming or if a driver is using its horn; it's helpful to have a set of ears while driving.

I arrive just as kids are entering the school. I'm guessing the bell rang but it's not like I can hear it. I dart to 1st period and take my seat in the front. I have to sit in the front of the room because I refuse to have an interpreter and I have to be close to the person speaking if I want to read lips. Reading lips is how I'm faintly aware of conversations around me. I can only read lips if the person speaks slowly and is facing me, but normally that isn't the case. I'm lucky if I even understand a sentence, but who am I to ask these people to change their regular lives to accommodate my dysfunctional hearing. The day goes by agonizingly slow until it's finally time for lunch. I scurry off to the lunch room and sit at my usual table between Mike and Angela. I don't eat at lunch; I never really have much of an appetite so I normally close my eyes and bask in the quiet but today instead of quiet, Angela starts to sign "how are you Bella?" Angela is such a wonderful friend. She has been there with me throughout my break up and my hearing loss; she even learned to sign for me. It's good to know at least there are still some genuinely kind people left in the world. I sign back "alright, as usual, you?"

No one pays much attention to our signing anymore. At the beginning when I would sign I would get one of two looks; confusion and pity. The pity was the worst of the two; I don't want people to feel bad for me. The looks and all the staring were hard to get used to, I hate being the center of attention.

People have just now finally started to stop staring at me like I have two heads and have gotten over the fact that I'm deaf. And for that I'm grateful.

Angela signs back, "Good. But I'm worried about you. You're never happy. I want my friend back. I miss the old Bella from before the accident. You know I'm always here to talk if you need to.

I don't have a reply. I'm sick of everyone being so worried about me. And how can I be happy; I don't have my hearing, I lost my virginity to a blood crazed vampire, and the love of my life doesn't want me anymore and probably never will. I miss the old Bella too. The happy, carefree, clumsy, in love, blushing Bella was replaced by bitter, anti-social, depressed Bella a few months ago. I would love to vent my feelings to someone and get everything off my chest but its too risky to get Angela involved.

Angela realized I wasn't going to respond so she turned back into her seat and returned to eating her lunch. I love Angela because she doesn't push me like everyone else does; she knows when I've had enough. The rest of the day went by in a daze. I don't pay attention anymore in class; I don't have any motivation. My grades are terrible but why does it matter? Do getting good grades make my life any better? No. No college will want me so why bother?

I notice kids are starting to leave their seats so I take that as my cue that the final bell rang and it's time to go home. I gather my belongings and walk out into the parking lot. I run to my car to take shelter from the cold rain. The rest of the day plays out as usual I come home, ignore my homework, make Charlie dinner, take a shower and head to bed. Charlie and I's relationship has gotten even more distant. I just don't want to talk anymore. I know that Charlie is worried about me because I see it in his eyes; he wants to help me but he doesn't even nowhere to start.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm planning on visiting Phil and Renee in Jacksonville for a week. I didn't want to go but my parents practically begged me to go so I agreed. I think they want me to get away from forks for a little while; leave depressing memories behind. Part of me is actually looking forward to a little break. A week of heat and sunshine should do me some good. However I'm not looking forward to Renee and her conversations. Unlike Angela, my mother pushes me to have a conversation. I like having someone to talk to, but there are something's that are better left unsaid.

I wake up early the next morning; I didn't get any sleep last night. I head to the bathroom hoping a shower will wake me up. I use my favorite strawberry scented shampoo and shave my legs. I step out and wrap myself in a fluffy white towel. I head off to my bedroom and throw on a plain green tee, skinny jeans and my worn out converse sneakers. I brush my teeth and put my hair up in a messy bun. Since I won't be back for a while I make my bed. I have a very light suitcase since I don't have any clothes to accommodate the heat in Florida ,but I still have some of my old clothes there from before I moved to Forks. I drag my suitcase downstairs only to be met by Charlie in the front doorway.

Charlie signs "If we don't leave now you will miss your flight". I nod to him and carry my suitcase out to the car. I place it in the backseat and slide into the passenger's side. I see Charlie lock the door and head down the driveway. Charlie gets in the car and I feel the vibration of the cruiser's engine come to life. I decide to try and get some sleep during the hour car ride to the airport.

The slamming of a car door wakes me out of my slumber. I follow Charlie to a crowded ticket counter. When we finally reach the front of the line we are greeted by a plump middle aged woman with a nametag that read "Jean". She greeted Charlie with a bored expression on her face.

Charlie and she talked for a few minutes. The conversation wasn't worth me trying to decipher so I just took in my surroundings instead. There were people of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities. I could see businessmen on their blackberries, children sleeping in the hard plastic airport chairs, and many angry looking people yelling at the unfortunate employee to be at the post of the baggage claim. My thoughts are interrupted by a tap on my left shoulder. Charlie hands me my first class plane ticket. Renee insisted on first class even though I thought it unnecessary. It was a round trip ticket. I headed toward terminal 14 that was now boarding. I handed the lady my ticket and with a final wave to Charlie I was on my way to Florida.