Chapter 3 BPOV
I grabbed my carry-on and stepped of the plane and entered the airport. There was no air conditioning so I felt like I was in meat locker. Just in the airport I could smell car exhaust fumes you would never find in Forks. The sun was shining so bright it was almost blinding. I sift through a mob of people dressed in flip-flops, shorts and tank-tops to get over to the baggage claim. I sort through piles of suitcases until I find my faded, small red suitcase and make my way to the front of the airport to wait for Renee. I take a seat in the uncomfortable waiting chairs and close my eyes. But suddenly the feeling of being around so many people makes the claustrophobia kick in and my eyes immediately shoot open. I watch the housel and bustle for a few minutes before I see Renee heading towards me. Once she see my she starts running and yelling something I can't quite make out. I stand up to greet her to only be swept of my feet by my mother embracing my in a huge hug. I really did miss Renee. Renee and me look so much alike, the only difference is that her hair is shorter and the laugh lines that encompass her mouth. We pull apart and I see the tears threating to spill in her eyes. She helps me with my suitcase and walk out of the airport towards the car.
The whole thirty minute car ride I stare out the passenger side window and take in the clear blue skies and the delicate sway of the palm trees. We eventually pull up to a beautiful cream two-story house. It had maroon shudders and door. Along the side was a garden over-flowing with tulips, daisies, and lilies. Red colored, un-lit candles lead up the sand walkway to create a romantic feeling. I feel the ignition shut off and I step out of the car to retrieve my bag out of the trunk. I follow my mother up the walkway and into the doorway. I stop dead in my tracks. The inside is beautiful. My mother really out did herself. She was never able to afford to live this lavishly but I see is quite taken to it. I look at my mother and see a smirk across her face. She signs '' do you like it?Let me show you around." I nod to show my understanding and proceed into the gorgeous house.
I walk into a pale emerald room with two dull sofas positioned around an extravagant media center with a large plasma screen television inside. The carpet underneath my feet is a pristine white. All of the windows are open letting in warm salty air. The walls adorned photos of Phil and Renee at their wedding even a few of me when I was younger. The rest of the house consisted of a spacious modern kitchen, three large bedrooms, two and a half baths, a cozy den even an exercise room. Renee showed me to my room and helped me un pack. I was jet-lagged so I decided to take a well-deserved nap.
The week with my mother has been pretty uneventful. I was on the beach for most of the time, trying to soak up as much vitamin D as possible. We went shopping much to my demise and I went to a lot of Phil's practices. But my overall feeling of content was ruined when Renee wanted to ''talk''.
''Bella I hate to see you this way'' my mother signed to me. "Honey, it's been months, you have to move on and be happy.'' How dare she tell me to move on, she has no right to demand that of me. '' Look at what yourself, your eyes are empty. You're so pale and underweight. When was the last time you had a complete meal? Bella you can't ruin yourself over a boy. The world is full of them just waiting for a beautiful girl like you to come along. Edward lost out on a wonderful girl. I wanted to argue that Edward only left because he was probably sick of my ordinary self always surrounding him. He was probably embarrassed of me. "I signed back, '' I loved him mom. I still do. You just don't understand.'' That made her angry I could almost see the smoke come out of her ears. '' You think I wouldn't understand being in love at a young age. Bella I was in love with your father in high school. But when things with Charlie didn't work out I didn't sulk around like you are, I moved on and found love with someone else. That's all I want for you Bella, but you're not helping yourself.'' I eventually stopped acknowledging my mother's presence and just let her rant.
After my mother was done telling me things I already was aware of I excused myself to bed. I decided to take a shower to unwind. I discarded my clothes and place them in the hamper by the towel rack. But I thought about what my mother said about me being deathly underweight. I didn't believe her, it's not like I was anorexic or anything I just wasn't hungry. I look in the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door and see my naked form; really see myself and I was horrified at what I was seeing. I could see every one of my ribs as the protruded out of my skin. My breasts were almost invisible. I can't believe I let myself get this bad. Part of me wants to weigh myself ,but I'm not strong enough yet.
Today after a rather awkward dinner, I ventured out to the little private beach and sat by the shore. I haven't spoken to my mother since our ''talk''. I put my head back and relished at the feeling of the cool sand between my toes. The beach is a great place to think. It strange how here my thoughts comfort me and don't destroy me on the inside. It's so quiet and serene it gives me a break from everyone and everything; peace. Tomorrow I will be heading on a plane back to forks. In a way it's almost bitter-sweet. I love spending time with my mother. This weekend was the first time in months that I actually smiled. It felt good to smile. My mother's childlike personality always makes me forget my worries. But I'm ready to go back home to Charlie. I have no idea what that man ate while I was gone, but I have a feeling that I will be finding a lot of takeout containers in the trash. I miss my bed a lot too. Late at night I see him on the right side of my tiny bed looking at me but even if this is the doing of my subconscious, he's still there and he's happy. I pay for the fantasy, when in the morning it proves to be just a cruel illusion but it's worth all the pain. I would do anything to see Edward again. Even if that meant harming myself then I would still happily do it.
I keep going over the conversation my mother and I had yesterday. Does no one understand that Edward was more than some high school crush? People think just because I'm young that I'm not capable of understanding, let alone feeling love. Edward is the other half of my soul. When he left, half of me packed up and disappeared too. But he did open my eyes to something I have overlooked all these months. Here I am suffering over him leaving and he probably forgot all about me. I never meant anything to him. He probably just led me on to get closer to my blood. STOP! Sometimes my mind would get ahead of me. Edward would never do that to me, right? When I looked into his eyes I saw love but maybe he is a much better liar than I give him credit for. My heart will always belong to him even if he doesn't return the feeling.
I want all the hurt to leave my body and my mind. I'm tired of the nightmares and the crying. My mom wants to see me happy again. But it's not just Edward that is killing me. It's the fact that James is still out there watching me from the shadows waiting to strike again. My own personal angel that would always protect me and shield me from all the dangers in life is gone without a trace.
I hated that my mother had to watch fall apart last night, but I just needed her to let me cry everything out. I've had so many feelings that just needed to be known and even at 18 I still need my mom to hold me and rub my back when I was upset. It was the first time in months that I've let my feelings bubble up to the surface. I was raw, vulnerable and scared. I don't remember how long I sobbed into Renee's shoulder but I do remember having blankets pulled up to my chin and a faint kiss placed on my forehead before I fell into a peaceful sleep.
I woke up this morning feeling relieved. It almost felt like the hole in my chest shrunk a little. I changed into the new yellow sundress my mother bought me. I haven't worn any colors because it would be a lie. I was not bright or cheerful however this morning I decided to put my mother above me. She would be happy to see me wear it and who am I to be so selfish to sacrifice my mother feelings over my own.
I head downstairs for breakfast to find my mother at the stove flipping blueberry pancakes. All through breakfast my mother keeps tiptoeing around me like at any moment I would just burst into tears. I don't blame her for acting that way; I'm sure when she looks at me I'm just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I even felt good enough that I ate all of my breakfast this morning. I am going to get a better hold of myself. Edward may have ruined me emotionally but I refuse to let him effect my body's well being too. I will try harder to bottle my feelings for everyone's sake. No one will have to see my empty being again. I will bury it so deep that I might even have a hard time finding it. I am the ''suffer in silence'' type anyway.
It's time to leave the warmth and sun behind and go back to my cocoon of clouds and rain. On the ride to the airport, for the second time in less than a year I say goodbye to the glorious warmth and once again prepare myself to say hello to my hell; Forks.