Disclaimer: I don't own twilight that belongs to S.M but I own this awesome story.

Hi everyone it's me Allie and I hope you like the new chapter. I worked extra hard on it. But please review because I want you guys to be a part of the story. I've only got a handful of reviews and really want your comments; they really bring a smile to my face . So without further ado here's chapter 6.

It's been a week since my last cutting incident. I'm still trying to process it. I would have never thought of intentionally hurting myself but it was just so calming on my mind that I don't care. I have been searching for a way to quiet my mind and it's finally here. Maybe not in the way I would have ever considered but I found it and that's all that matters, right? I already have this profound hunger for the knife and it scares me that I'm going to loss control; that alarms me most. Things have been just so hectic lately. And I'm so desperate for relief.

Charlie has been on my back even more, if that's possible, since my body makeover. I think he sees right through it but he hasn't said anything so I guess I'm just being paranoid. And a new breakthrough at the hospital could possibly renew my hearing. The doctor said that they would be replacing my eardrum during a short surgery and slowly the hearing would resurface. Charlie has been excited for the chance but I'm not so sure. Inquiring sound again kind of scares me. I've grown accustomed to silence it in the little time I've been stricken with it and I'm afraid of losing the quiet and solitary conditions this abnormality has brought me. I can still remember what most thing sound like but others have fallen silent even in my memories.

I enjoy my solitude from the outside world. If the surgery is as success people will assume me to speak again and that won't be happening. Not speaking is my choice hearing or not hearing will not sway my resolve. Edward is the only hope for me to speak again and that might be to just curse at him for doing this to me. And what if the sound is too much and I can't handle it? Once I receive it there's no going back, unless James throws me against another tree.

James.

I have completely neglected him in my thoughts. It's been a while since his last encounter and I can't help, but cringe at the thought of him. That cold night in September is forever burned into my memory; I will never forget, his fierce hold me, his deep and menacing voice that sent my skin crawling and his eyes. Eyes that torment me in my dreams. Dark, scarlet, cold and murderous eyes that have sent me into panic attacks. I wonder if he's been watching me. I don't know if I could relive another attack from James or even Victoria. I never really paid attention to her in the baseball clearing but, she is undeniably a predator with her cat like limbs and blazing red hair. To live in constant fear like this is agonizing, part of me just hopes that next time there's an attack comes they just kill me instead of me having to suffer through the consequences. But I can only be optimistic that James forgot about me and became infatuated with another human, but I know that he lives just to see me in pain, him and everyone else in the world.

My surgery to replace my torn eardrums is tomorrow. I didn't think it would be so soon but the hospital had an opening so we accepted. And by we, I meant Charlie. I haven't had enough time to wrap my head around the whole concept of surgery and sound. It's just too much too fast and sends my head spinning just trying to understand it. The doctor assured me that the surgery would go off without a hitch but there is still a chance that the surgery won't work. The odds of success are stacked in my favor but knowing how unlucky I am something is bound to go wrong.

My surgery is the talk of the town; everyone at school has come up to me congratulating me or wishing me luck. I don't deserve their kindness to me; I'm not worth it. My makeover has brought me a new found popularity much to Lauren and Jessica's demise. I never asked for it, hell I never wanted it. I've been asked to about 4 parties and that's tiny in comparison in the amount of dating proposals I've gotten but I turned everything down. I've never had any use for parties and I'm most certainly not ready to date when I'm still trying to get over my latest heartbreak. If I ever get over it.

As I pack my bag for the hospital I am contemplating just running away and never looking back. How much easier would life be, if I just lived in exile where I could just wallow in myself misery?

The hospital reeked of cleaners and the sick; I was immediately nauseas. God I hate hospitals. You would think that I would get used to them considering how the whole of the staff know me by name but every time I step foot in here it's like I'm being suffocated. I am escorted to room 314 by a middle-aged woman with cropped dirty-blonde hair wearing Looney tunes scrubs. The hospital room was clean and bare. Two beds were placed in the center divided by a flimsy blue faded curtain. There was a lone worn dresser in the corner plus an out dated TV is mounted on the wall. At least I don't have to share the room. I left Charlie at the check-in desk assuring him that everything was fine and that I would see him tomorrow after the operation.

I got settled in with the little belongings I brought and a nurse came in about 6:00 with a tray of food. I looked at her in disbelief. Did she really expect me to eat this? Hospital food is so nasty and seeing as I've been here so often much to my distaste I've had to torture my taste buds with this excuse of food many times. I thank her for the unappetizing food and as soon as she is gone I make a beeline for the trash basket beside my bed.

My surgery is scheduled for early tomorrow morning so I was advised to rest but I just can't rest. I'm so nervous that I have to bolt for the small attached bathroom before I empty the contents of my stomach all over the shining linoleum floor. I hunch over the bowl unable to control my dry heaves. The toilet bowl reeks of bleach causing more heaves to emanate from my body. I'm just so exhausted that it was a chore to get off the bathroom floor. I dragged myself to bed still in my clothes. The bed was lumpy after the burden of many bodies and the sheets were faded and scratchy. My exhaustion is so pronounced the second my head hits the pillow I fall into slumber.

I awaken at the feeling of someone undressing me. The nurse from yesterday is tying my hair in a bun and fitting a cap over it and tying my hospital gown closed. My nurse then pushes me into the operating room where my surgery will happen in a matter of minutes. The attendants waste no time in hooking me up to several machines that I have no idea of what their purpose is. To my left is a metal table filled with, what looks like torture instruments which makes me a little nervous. The nurse to my right put some kind of mask on me and said "Bella, were going to be putting you to sleep for the procedure, ok? Now I need you to count backwards from 10; 10…9….8…7…6, I can feel sleep tugging me and I give in. Last thing I heard was 4 before I blacked out.

I woke up dazed and disoriented. My head is pounding so hard it feels as if any wrong move and it could explode. My body was achy from lying in this position for God knows how long. But where am I? Ok think….cleaning fumes, bright florescent lights…..hospital. I had surgery on my ear drums. Did it work? I still don't hear anything, maybe it just takes time for it to kick in. But I shouldn't worry too much I'm sure everything went fine I just have to focus on opening my eyes. The lights are blindingly bright but I prevail and open my eyes just above slits. I'm in a different room than the one I was in originally my guess is that I'm in the recovery ward. I stretch my stiff joints and confronted by Dr. Owen entering through the open door. I sit up, propping myself up on a pillow while trying to tame the rats nest that has become my hair. Dr. Owen pulled up a chair and strattled it as he sat.

"Bella", he began, "I have some bad news regarding your surgery."

I sat there stunned as he continued,

"When we went in to repair your ear we saw that your eardrum is crushed, almost as if it's nonexistent. We are so sorry but we couldn't repair your eardrum."

The doctor kept speaking but I wasn't listening anymore. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't do that here not with people around; I would be weak if I did that and the one thing I've learned is not to show weakness. I think the doctor realized I wasn't going to acknowledge him and left the room with one final apology. I don't know if I'm mad or sad. But right now I want to take his apology and shove it somewhere the sun don't shine. A while later the nurse comes in to help me get dressed out of the hospital gown

I meet Charlie by the check-in desk just like yesterday. Yesterday; seems like ages ago. Yesterday had possibilities, opportunities, hope, but now there is nothing. I head straight to the car unable to look into the pitying stare of my father. I just want to go home and forget everyone and everything.

I'm so devastated. Can't anything go right? All I want is the knife, that's all I need. I feel like I can't get home fast enough even with the short distance it takes to get home. I'm antsy and fidgety. I feel claustrophobic in this little car and I'm about to scream If I don't get out soon. Charlie doesn't say a word to be the whole way because he knows I'm not listening and honestly I don't care what he has to tell me because I know that it's wrong and won't make a difference. I'm hopeless.

I jump out of the cruiser as soon as it entered the driveway not even waiting long enough for it to come to a halt. I am thankfully welcomed by an unlocked door which I rip open and sprint towards the kitchen counter. I take the biggest knife out of the cutting block and haul it up to the bathroom. As soon as I engage the lock I start to assault my wrists. Big gashes, little gashes all adorn my forearms. The feeling of the blade piercing my skin is pure enchantment. I have been holding this off for far too long.

I faintly register vibrations rolling off the door but I'm too wrapped up in my bliss to care at this point. I no longer have the strength to stand so I crumple to the floor in a heap still clutching the bloody knife. I can feel myself slipping away and relish in the idea that all this pain will final cease. I taste the warm salty tears cascading down my face and pooling inside my parted lips. I can smell blood everywhere but somehow I'm not sick at the stench instead it brings me a sense of gratification. My vision is getting hazy and all I can make out is the ray of light streaming in under the door from the hallway. I can feel the vibrations increase as I slip more towards unconsciousness. The annoying vibrations suddenly stop and I can finally sleep. Much to my dismay the bathroom door is kicked down by a sweaty and frazzled Charlie. The last thing I remember is being transferred into Charlie's lap and wetness seeping into my scalp before the darkness overcame me.

So there it is. Hopefully that will keep you guys at bay for a while. I hope it met expectations.