Notes: First, allow me to apologize...this might take a while. (deep breath) ...
(Three Days Later)
...SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY! Okay. I'm done. :D
Seriously, though, it has been an inexcusably long time since I've updated this...other stories and my personal life have kept getting in the way! I sincerely hope you will accept my apologies, and at least try to refrain from hunting me down and killing me. To make matters worse, this chapter has no song, but the next one definitely will! Also, to all who read this, if for any reason you feel any part of this or any of my stories should be changed or removed, please, send me a PM about it (I'd rather it not be seen publicly...i.e., in the reviews). I shall repair any damages forthwith!
Well, now that that's out of the way, we will now return to our regularly scheduled lunacy...
Chapter I: Backstage 1, Performance Issues
"Please, remind me why I agreed to this?"
"Well, perhaps the fact that your character is in love with Gertrude McFuzz had something to do with it...wouldn't want to make your lady more upset than she already is..."
Tarrant Hightopp, the Mad Hatter, whipped around fast. (Of course, he was now simply "Mad," seeing as it was that his beloved top hat was in the possession of the Cheshire Cat.) His eyes were dotted with pale orange, a sign of mild irritation.
"She is not 'my lady,' as you put it. I was referring to my allowing you to wear my hat, Chessur."
The cat in question was floating just inside the doorway of Tarrant's dressing room, purring contentedly as he lovingly stroked the brim of the Hatter's trademark hat. Thankfully, the Hatter had finished getting into costume already. It was nothing too elaborate...Alice felt that something too flashy would insult the works of the "Seuss" man that the play was based upon, and, more often than not, whatever Alice said was right, at least in the Mad Hatter's mangled mind.
She and the White Queen had that much in common, and maybe more.
The costume consisted of a baggy, rough, gray leather coat, which was meant to simulate an elephant's hide, and gray trousers that were half a size to large, as well as an elephant ears headband.
The Hatter let out a soft snarl at the thought of the headband. Alice had found it, in her own words, "adorable." He found it, very frankly, to be more along the lines of "humiliating." Or "degrading." Or "undignified." Or even "maltreating."
Hmm...maltreating. Another lovely M-word...
"Perhaps you were just in a generous mood," Chessur shrugged innocently, breaking through the milliner's thoughts. The cat wore a bright red bow tie, covered in shimmering red sequins, and a pair of fingerless white gloves. He also wore a black velvet jacket, which he had brought himself, and a white vest. He carried a parasol under one arm, so that his paws might feel the hat in his hands.
Tarrant rolled his eyes, not so much in response to the cat's suggestion, but more because of the fact that he still had no clue how, and why, Alice was able to convince him to give his most treasured piece of headwear to the feline trickster. It didn't even look like the hat worn by the Cat in the book!
Then again, that girl was very persuasive. After all, she'd gotten the Dormouse into the project.
That had to be the biggest surprise of all: tough, unrelenting Mallymkun, the greatest swordswoman the Hatter had ever known, had signed on. Certainly, she could sing, so it wasn't a matter of her abilities in question...there were days he was left wondering if there was anything she COULDN'T do! (Besides control her temper.) No, it was just the fact that, though she would never admit it, Mally was very shy about singing. He'd heard her only once, and that by accident...it was he who had told Alice, and, indeed, everyone else, that she could sing in the play.
He'd earned a nasty scratch for giving out that information.
The real surprise, however, was not so much that Mally was in the play, but that she'd only agreed to be in when she found out that he was in it, too. And even then, she'd been emphatic in being a member of the crew.
He could still see the surprise on everyone's faces when Alice told her about the role of Gertrude McFuzz. The general thoughts all around were probably something like, "If you value your life, Alice, don't even suggest that role to her!"
The stunned expression the entire group, cast and crew alike, had when the white dormouse accepted the part – albeit begrudgingly – was beyond description.
"Hel-looooo? Tarrant? Is anyone in there?" hissed Chessur, waving a gloved paw in front of his face. He blinked rapidly, realizing he'd probably been staring into space this whole time.
"Er...um...yes. Thank you."
Chess sighed.
"Good. For a moment I thought we might need to have a last minute reschedule."
The Hatter sighed as well, looking at himself in the mirror with an admittedly childish pout, slumped in his chair.
"I look absolutely ridiculous," he grumbled.
"Well, at least you don't look like that tasty...uh...tasteless rodent with the role of the Lazy Bird. What's her name again...?"
"Dormyla. Alice met her once before, and said she was perfect for the part."
The cat raised an eyebrow. If given the ability, the evaporating feline would have probably frowned.
"Well, just taking a tip from her attitude, I'll have to say I agree. Who could possibly love the color pink so much...?"
The Cheshire Cat shuddered violently, his tongue stuck out in disgust.
"Well, the Red Queen didn't mind pink..."
"Hm. Wonder why," the cat snorted sarcastically.
There came a knock at the door.
"Please, just intrude," groaned the Hatter, who was already on a short fuse.
The cat grinned at him, more widely than usual.
"Irritated, Hatter?"
"You are within two feet of me and wearing MY hat. Yes, I'm irritated."
Chess opened his mouth to say something, but the figure at the door entering the room stopped him short.
It was Patricial, or Pat, the Goose. She was playing the role of Mrs. Mayor in the show, opposite Uileam the Dodo as the Mayor himself.
The Hatter let out a rather random giggle; Alice was Jojo, and her on-stage parents were a goose and a dodo. Even in Underland, that was bizarre...
"'Atter, 'ave ye seen...Oh! There ye are, Chessur!"
"What is it, Pat?"
"Alice needs ye...both of ye. Our Kangaroos are 'ere."
Hatter turned slowly back around.
"Pat...why is it you sound like me when I've just knocked over a set of shiny, new, tea things? While Alice was sitting next to me? With Mally on my hat? While the tea was scalding hot? On a windy day?"
Pat shivered, as if in fear.
"I...I think it's best if ye...see fer yerself..."
The bird hurriedly left the room.
"Got te get me costume!" she called out.
The cat raised an eyebrow.
"Well, that was odd."
"Agreed...unfortunately enough. Why did Alice keep the actors playing the Kangaroos a secret, again?"
"Well, if she had told us that would have spoiled the secret."
"Good point...I suspect we will find out soon enough."
"You mean you'll find out."
The Hatter sighed again, a little louder than the first time.
"You already know. Of course."
"Yes. A clue: it isn't a very pleasant surprise. Now, if you will excuse me, Hattie and I have some business to attend to elsewhere."
The cat winked and promptly disappeared.
At this moment, a loud shriek sounded down the hall. The Hatter stood up fast, his eyes now fully orange.
That was the Hare...!
Then came a voice the Hatter hoped never to hear again...
"Will someone PLEASE silence the accursed rabbit?"
Tarrant's eye twitched. He knew that voice very well…
Alice...if I am mad, you're utterly gallymoggers...
The Hatter sprinted out of his room and down the hall of the backstage area. In the flies, Frog Footmen hopped and croaked, hurriedly rushing to prepare the set and stage for the performance inside the castle auditorium. McTwisp, the White Rabbit, who had been assigned to be stage director, and would later play a "Hunch" in the show, along with a few of the frogs, tried to get things in order, waving and wringing his paws and glancing at his pocket watch every five seconds. All throughout the backstage halls, performers and crew alike were chatting and squawking…or would be, had the horrific sound of the screams and shouts from somewhere down the hall not interrupted their thoughts. Most of them were now glaring down the hall, or quivering with fear, or whispering nervously to other members of the show, or all three at once.
There was, of course, good reason for this.
As Tarrant Hightopp rounded a corner, on the verge of praying he was wrong, he was glad he had thought otherwise of it; it would have done him no good.
"Is it daft you two are?" snapped Mallymkun, who stood on the chest of the unconscious March Hare. She was dressed in a blue satin dress, with a belt adorned with a single, blue feather on the back that hung limply, like a second tail. She wore a band around each ear, so that it seemed there were blue feathers – small, downy ones – stuck in her fur. She did not have her trademark blade – Alice forbade her to wear it during the play – but her eyes remained as fiery as ever.
No…make that twice as fiery.
Again, not surprising.
"Oh, come now, Mallymkun!" the White Queen said, although her eyes remained firmly set on another person, directly in front of her. "It's perfect typecasting."
"Perfect typecasting, Your Majesty, but a FRUMNIOUS choice!"
"I agree!" said the Hatter, making his voice known. "Wy d'ye wan' 'em 'ere, anywho? Wat's murr, wy warn't I infurmed?"
"Because," said Alice – who was not yet in costume – with a gentle, soothing tone, "Both Her Majesty and I knew you'd react like this when you found out. We wanted their parts to be secret until now, so that you could stay focused."
"Idiocy, I say!" said Uileam, dressed in a yellow suit jacket and white tie for his Mayor costume. "If you wanted to keep us all calm, ladies, you shouldn't have brought them here at all!"
"Aye!" agreed Mally, glowering at the offending pair in question.
The demonic duo being spoken of – should their identities not be obvious already – were Iracebeth of Crims and Illosovic Stayne, the Red Queen and Knave of Hearts, respectively. They were still shackled together by the wrist, and each wore a long-eared headband with red-brown fur. The Knave wore red-brown tights – which, judging from his utterly humiliated and pained expression, made him very uncomfortable – while the Queen wore a long, red-brown fur coat, and a red dress beneath this.
Of course, Tarrant was too angry to even care about the costumes.
"Wy are they 'ere, anywho? Thar s'posed te beh in th' Outlands, aye?"
"We've been put on parole," the Knave mumbled.
"My sister and her champion," the Red Queen said, with the same haughty air the Hatter had heard her use so often before the Frabjous Day, "Requested our presence, to perform in this…play."
Hatter growled.
"Ye little-"
"Hatter, it's only until the end of today," Alice said, and moved over to him, whispering into his ear, "If we're lucky, the audience will be too stunned to boo them off the stage."
"True that may be," Hatter hissed back, his voice now a bit more normal sounding, "But I bet they have good aims, and plenty of tomatoes…"
"Well, let's get this over with!" Mallymkun snapped, lest she be forgotten. "Everyone is waiting!"
"I'll get into costume," Alice said, nodding, and ran to her dressing room.
"I'll go to the audience," the White Queen said, still looking at her sister. "Remember," she said, "this parole lasts only until you have completed your work here at the theater. Your banishment still remains binding."
"All the more reason to do as the rat over there says," grumbled Stayne, who, in his humiliated state, had become far more quiet than usual.
Mally glared.
"Call me that again, you long-legged lout, and I'll cut your eyes out!"