AN: Gah! I'm so, so sorry readers! I love this story so much but when the show went even more downhill with all the Finchel I just lost sight of all the things that I wanted to change. There's just so much bad...

Also, university has kept me from all of my stories. I had two essays due last week and one more due next tuesday T^T. I'm trying to get all of my fics updated this week, but if that doesn't happen I'll try for next week.

Anyways I hope this makes up at least a little bit for my unplanned hiatus. If you guys read my last update for Gotham City Secret Origins then you know about my newest AU project. Well it's evolved quite a bit and turned into two separate fics.

One has genderswapped Rachel - Ray Berry who falls for Head Cheerio Quinn Fabray.

The other features genderswapped Quinn with Rachel.

Once I'm finished with both first chapters I'll post them up and you guys can check out which ones you like. I'll need some help with feedback for those fics so keep a lookout!

As always feedback for this fic is always appreciated! If you can leave a review to let me know what you think!

Quinnconclusive and Confusing Conversations

Part 2 (of 2)

She wants the silence but fears the solitude
She wants to be alone and together with you
So she ran to the lighthouse, hoped that it would help her see
She saw that the lighthouse had been washed out to sea

Cause she's just like the weather, can't hold her together
Born from dark water, daughter of the rain and snow
Cause it's burning through the bloodline
It's cutting down the family tree
Growing in the landscape, darling, in between you and me

- "Landscape" by Florence + the Machine

Rachel had left after an awkward silence followed their intimate hug. Quinn had spent the next few hours after that wandering, trying to wrap her head around her new realization. Feelings for that- that… How could she have allowed this to happen?

Eventually she made it to the church her family used to go to every Sunday. They had renovated since last time she was here. Quinn hadn't gone since her father kicked her out of the house and was too embarrassed to go back. Before the pregnancy, and throughout most of her life, she was very spiritual. Church was never a chore it was a sanctuary. When she felt horrible as Lucy, when she was horrible as Quinn, having her weekly talks with God was one of her saving graces.

Walking up to the doors, she half expected to be struck down by lightening but it was thankfully empty. She didn't know how long she spent looking for answers on the sculpted face of Jesus Christ but the silence eventually got to her.

"I get it, okay?" Quinn looked up, whispering in the empty church. "I didn't like what you gave me so when I used my purchased looks for sex I got pregnant. I wanted to get back to normal and used my ex-boyfriend to cheat on Sam and you gave me mono. I GET IT! I DESERVE WHATEVER PUNISHMENT YOU GIVE ME!" Quinn yelled out the last part in anger at the statue in front of her then collapsed against the pew sobbing.

"Just please, please stop sending her to me whenever I need her most. You know I don't deserve that. I don't deserve her smile or… or her never-ending faith in what she thinks I can be. So please stop torturing me with it when You know that it's hopeless. When I'm hopeless. I don't deserve a second chance with her."

"Everybody deserves a second chance. Even crazy people yelling in church."

Quinn cringed, expecting it to be Father Erikson but was surprised to see a young man garbed in priestly clothing. It was a relief that this guy didn't throw her out. "And you are?"

"A great listener?" He joked in an awkward attempt to ease the tension.

"Whatever," Quinn spat out and she turned to leave, "I'm out of here."

"Wait! Are you sure you don't need someone to talk to?"

"And have you judge me for every single mistake I made? No thanks, not interested."

He couldn't run to catch up with the troubled girl but just called out to her, "I'll be here whenever you're ready."

The familiar words echoed in her mind and halted her escape; they were Rachel's words. Would Quinn ever be ready? What would she be ready for?

The eye make-up that smeared when she cried began to burn her eyes and she turned back to Greg. "How much time do you have?"

She spent hours in that church talking to a random stranger about her problems. It was like verbal diarrhoea, as disturbing as that imagine was. But Greg, the Priest-in-Training did nothing but listen. It was nice, to have someone listen just because he cared. Someone who knew nothing about her. Someone who wasn't paid to make her head less crazy. It was just what she needed.

But it didn't quite change anything in her world.

Still, Quinn struggled with what to do next. It was the day of Santana's Project: Light that Purple Shit Up, (God, only Santana would come up with that), and now she faced a dilemma. Coming to terms with her feelings for Rachel made Quinn realize that she was just going to disappoint her yet again.

The words that Greg said to her the previous night came back to her as she stepped into the quad with her Skanks.

"It's a process Quinn, people can't just change overnight. If you want to really give it a shot then you'll have to start with a first step and that is always the hardest to make."

She felt that stepping forward to be friends with Brittany and Santana again meant taking a billion steps back with Rachel. But she did promise. It was something of a blessing that, as self-centred and ambitiously ruthless as the aspiring Broadway scare was, she was also equally forgiving.

It was too late now anyway, she promised the Skanks a chance for pyrotechnical mayhem, and she promised Santana that she would help her with Brittany and the Cheerio's. As they took their seats on the steps to wait for her cue, Quinn prayed for the first time in God only knows how long that Rachel would indeed forgive her.

She caught a glance of Rachel after her part of the spectacle and the looks of horror and disappointment had left room for a lot of doubt in her mind.

The Skanks, after having their dose of causing a shit storm on school grounds, had decided to skip the rest of the day.

"Yo Quinn. You coming or what? Paulie's in town and should be able to get us some really good stuff."

"No, you guys go ahead I've got shit to do."

If Quinn didn't know any better, she would have thought that she saw a hint of concern flash in Mack's eyes but it quickly went away with a customary eye roll, "Whatever."

Once they left, Quinn wandered the halls trying to find a way to take the first of a thousand steps towards some sort of change. Then she heard Santana and Brittany in the near distance and smiled. Santana made her stand as Sue's Number One, she held a grip on the school hierarchy that Quinn needed… and it just so happened that the school's top bitch owed her a favour.

As was before, when they were the Unholy Trinity, Quinn forgot that when the two were alone, Santana and Brittany would most likely be all over each other. "God do you guys always have to be humping like rabbits in heat?"

Santana swore into Brittany's neck, and Quinn smiled at the chance to give the girl a hard time.

"Jesus Quinn, do you always have to be such a fucking cock-block?" Santana snapped angrily, "Puta."

Quinn gave a mocking pout, always one to relish her friend's torment, "Aww San. I'm hurt, only 'cause you should be used to being cock-blocked by now. How many times was I traumatized by your sexy times with B when I was captain? I saved your asses every time before any of the others saw too." She shivered at the horrible memories. Who wanted to see their best friends go at it everywhere?

"Please, you know you loved it and our fines asses, bitch," was Santana's biting retort as she fixed her skirt, "Now what do you want Q?"

"You ow-" Quinn began to answer but was interrupted by Brittany who gave her a bone-cracking hug.

"Q! I knew you still loved us! I thought you kind of hated us now 'cause you blew us off the other day but then you helped S start the purple piano bonfire and it was so cool. I didn't know you could be so badass! Did you like the dance? I made up the whole routine. It was totally hot."

Quinn's hardened face melted at Brittany's infamous cuddle hugs. It was like being hit by a truck full of rainbows, teddy bears and bacon… everything good in the world. You can't say anything bad or hurtful against that. It was blasphemous.

"It was awesome B. You're a genius, nobody could have made that routine as hot as you did."

Brittany let go of her death-grip on the girl and beamed at the praise, but Quinn knew that the taller blonde was expecting another answer as well.

"I still love you guys…" Santana did a double take at the confession but Quinn continued on nonplussed, "and I'm sorry for what I said the other day. I… I didn't really mean it. I'm just really fucked up right now." She looked down ashamed and lost, wringing her hands to contain her nervousness.

"What the fuck happened to you Q?" Santana questioned, feeling that getting straight to the shit of the matter was the best course. "Is it your dad? Did your mom take his man-whorish ass back? I can totally go all Lima Heights on the both of them."

Quinn stopped the fiery HBIC and gave a weak, forced smile, "No, no. As far as I know, Russell is in L.A. or something with his secretary and he had a trip to Europe during the summer. No, umm," the girl nervously gulped, "My mom took us to a bunch of places but we ended up in Boston… so Frannie happened and she was crazy. My aunts were there too. It was just a really bad week. I'm surprised I didn't go all Lima Heights on them." The light joke fell flat considering the visit caused such an extreme change in Quinn.

By mentioning Frannie's name, she knew that Santana would get it. Her former best friends' last meeting with her sister was a disaster considering they were having sexy times in Frannie's room. The older Fabray sister freaked out at the discovery and never wanted them even close to the house when she came to town, especially when she came with her baby.

Brittany looked at Quinn with sad eyes, "What did she say to you Q? Why did she make you so sad?"

"I don't know, just made me realize I couldn't keep pretending things would just be the same as before. I'm damaged, going back isn't an option anymore."

"Yeah, yeah your sister is a fucking bitch we know that. You know that. Let's move on to why you're here cuz I don't wants to be talking about Bratty Frannie when I could be getting my mack on with Britts."

The bluntness was enough to bring Quinn out of her funk and she chuckled before remembering why she was there in the first place.

"No more slushee attacks on Berry." The request would bring about questions, but Quinn had to do what she could. One step at a time.

"You honestly think I would do that for you?"

Cue eyebrow raise. "Well, considering I just helped you secure your place as head bitch at this school, yeah I think you would."

The brunette was ready to bitch back when Brittany entered the conversation again, "Yeah S, I don't want Rach to be slusheed anymore either."

"What?" Santana looked faint and Quinn was surprised by Brittany's defense of the glee co-captain.

"It's like I said last year San. Glee is our family and I love them." Quinn shifted her gaze, but only Santana noticed. "And in glee club, Rach is our captain. So that would like, make her the Dad, or the Mom in the family and they can't get slusheed, you know? It wouldn't be right. Oh and she's my English tutor now so I think it would be Beneful for me to help stop the violence. She's really not that irritable once she's wearing normal clothes. Besides she said I could totes help her dress awesome after I get better in English."

"B, I think you mean beneficial."

"Oh yeah, that."

Quinn smiled inwardly, knowing that once Brittany asked, Santana would never say no. "Fine slushee facials stop on Berry. Satisfied?"

Brittany gave a wide grin in approval and Quinn nodded taking that as her cue to leave.

"Don't think this will get you out of explaining this insanity LesbiQuinn!"

Quinn froze for a split second at the insult but didn't turn around. With a flip of the bird and a "FUCK YOU!" she left the school.

She needed to plan her next step.

If people were to watch the hallway where the choir room resided, they would have seen a strange head of pink walk past the doors every five minutes.

Could it be time to go back?

Every quick walk she made by the door was a window view to a past life. At least that's what it felt like.

The first glimpse was of the girl that everyone envied and loved. The stereotypical head cheerleader with words that cut like a blade on hot butter. The one that hated being in glee. She would have never admitted to liking the club or singing and dancing with losers. One loser in particular.

The second pass by the door window had the view of the scared little girl with a slight and concealable baby bump. Some days she could pretend it wasn't there and then she'd take a whiff of her boyfriend's gross man-smell and she was reminded again. It was present in the 3rd floor bathroom stall that nobody went to. It was there when that same loser confronted her about the issue and had the nerve to comfort her, offering safe haven in the choir room.

She was right. And as the bump grew bigger so did Quinn's formerly walled-up heart. The cheerleader faded away and there was the walking statistic of teen pregnancy.

Quinn remembered some days were good, and others not so much.

The hot/not list was an embarrassing addition to Quinn's own list of shame. Looking back, she could blame Rachel for starting it. Back then, her crazy pregnant hormonal self was jealous of Rachel Berry for having a boyfriend that genuinely cared about her. Puck was hardly the boyfriend of the year.

Now that Quinn thought about it, the glist was just another instance of her excuse. She didn't like Rachel Berry, she was jealous of her boyfriend.

Quinn stealthily went by the door again, thinking about her semi-psychotic junior year. Losing Beth was too much to think about and talking to Rachel that summer was too close to what she was unknowingly afraid to face. As soon as the year started she viciously hid the heart that grew. The one that felt too much of…. something for a loser that was destined to get out of this small, soul-sucking town. Taking back her former place on the McKinley pyramid, she betrayed and pushed away Santana. In a way it was another plan to protect herself. Santana loved Brittany but would never do anything about it because she was scared.

At the time, Quinn had no idea why Santana's 'secret love' was unsettling to her.

Now she just laughed at her own stupidity.

She just knew that being the stereotypical head-cheerleader and prom queen was the most she'd get in life. This was where she had control. She would be the person she was before, because the person that came after Beth was… depressed, self-loathing and emptier than ever before.

The cheerleading uniform just helped to hide it better.

And without it, she managed to get back the quarterback boyfriend that she knew would be stuck here with her. It helped that she managed to steal him away from Rachel.

And then everything fell apart again.

Passing by another window, Quinn saw the broken reflection of herself. The brief light of hope she had during the summer was eclipsed forever and now all that was left was this… Skank. She wasn't supposed to care anymore.

She knew she was destined for this town. Her family didn't care either way. She would never live up to Frannie's idyllic life. There was no room for the Celibacy club cheerleader turned lesbian teen mom and she embraced her fall from grace.

Everything was fine, she had been at least partly ignorant to the forbidden adoration she held for Rachel. The one that now revealed, made almost every action, every mistake, make sense. She was so desperate to not face anything, her father's abandonment, Rachel, Beth, that it was easier to feel nothing.

Did she want to change?

Did she want to try?

Everything was so fragile.

The last round towards the choir room was stopped by Santana's rush out. Quinn could briefly see tears fall from the girl's face. Tears she knew, nobody in that room had seen and would never see.

It was surprising to hear that Santana was kicked out of New Directions for what Quinn had done. Fortunately for her, Sue still secretly loved her because she started the fire of the 'political protest' against the arts.

She came out of the situation without a single detention.

Her stomach plummeted. Mr. Schue forgave everyone. If he finally got a pair then there was no way that he would let her back. No matter what Rachel believed.

Everything was so fragile, and Quinn was already broken.

Why cut yourself by stepping on the fragments of glass already there?

So Quinn didn't pass the choir room again, she turned the other way. The Skanks were probably back under the bleachers.

She didn't see the hopeful brunette look anxiously from within the choir room only to be disappointed by the absence of blurring pink passing the door.

Mack relentlessly teased Quinn when she was adamant about never missing her English and History classes. Ronnie made comments whenever their newest member brought out her trusty Whitman or Fitzgerald. Sheila always thought that it made the rest of them look bad. If somebody outside the Skanks saw that Quinn was still a smartass bitch, they might not be so scared.

Quinn didn't care. She would be the Lima loser that she was expected to be, but she would never give up her love of books.

It was now her only comfort in a world of disappointment.

So despite the descent into the Skanks, it wasn't all too surprising that Quinn was at the school library. Regardless of any acts of delinquency she took part in, the librarian still had Quinn on the list of favourite students; AKA the list of people that actually respected the library, the books and the rules.

She had just finished exchanging Faulkner for Hemingway and was on her way out when she heard the familiar voices ring out from the auditorium.

Don't go there. It will hurt too much.

But like the time when she was disgracefully kicked out of the Cheerio's, Quinn was a glutton for that pain. It couldn't hurt more than her original fall from grace, could it?

You can't stop an avalanche as it races down a hill…

You can try to stop the seasons, but you know you never will.

Rachel's voice filled the auditorium with the quiet strength that was at times, even more powerful than any of the "big notes" that she often fought over with Mercedes; and Quinn found that she couldn't have been more wrong.

And you can try to stop my dancing feet but I just cannot stand still

This cut more deeply than her Cheerio's exile ever did.

Cause the world is spinning round and round

And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound

I was lost 'til I heard the drums then I found my way

Cause you can't stop the beat…

She distantly remembered the first time she crept upon the stage balconies; high pony, Cheerio's uniform and perfectly executed scowl. Just like Coach taught her. The song, obviously Rachel's choice because of the Broadway feel, was the embodiment of everything she resented about the bright-eyed Broadway hopeful.

No matter what Quinn Fabray did to hurt and break that girl, Rachel Berry wouldn't give. She wouldn't break. She was everything that Lucy wasn't and she loved to hate her because of it.

She hated to love her because of it.

Spotting Santana on the other side of the stage balcony, she gave a nod of understanding. The newest New Direction exile was looking on as enviously as Quinn was. She could only guess that Santana was wishing she were dancing with Brittany by the lovelorn expression on her face.

Their friendship was never the best and as much as Quinn understood the bitchy exterior that Santana fronted, having had the exact same wall, their likeness was always in the way of becoming true friends.

Santana was always scared of how much they were alike. Maybe that was why support was so scarce during Quinn's pregnancy. It could have just likely have been her that got pregnant.

Maybe Santana saw the deepest part of Quinn that had always had a fascination with Rachel Berry.

Quinn reverted her attention back to the performance. It didn't matter now. If anything, her friendship with Santana was the only thing to stay standing in her self-destructed life.

When she looked up again, Santana had left; probably to go meet Brittany because practice had ended.

About to leave the balcony herself, Quinn noticed Rachel staying behind.

"It's okay Brad if you don't mind I think I'll just practice by myself. NYADA is calling my name and it won't do to go into the year unprepared."

Quinn hid a snicker; of course Rachel Berry would extend the first official rehearsal of the year for herself.

Not that Quinn minded.

She sighed, letting Rachel's dulcet tones wash over her. No words just warm-up vocal practices. Still, it was one of the most amazing sounds in the world.

It was a surprise when the single notes of the scale for warm-ups turned into a slightly unfamiliar tune.

I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me

When the monsters they won't go away, the windows won't close

I'll pretend to see what you see

The lyrics were familiar. Quinn remembered that the song was usually played with an upbeat tempo. The slow piano accompaniment along with Rachel's voice laced with melancholia quickly brought tears to Quinn's eyes. Was this… for her?

How long, I say how long

Will you relive the things that are gone?

The devil's on your back but I know you can shake him off

And everyday that you wanna waste, that you wanna waste

You can

And everyday that you wanna wake up that you wanna wake

You can

And everyday that you wanna change, that you wanna change

You can

I'll help you see it through

Cause I just really wanna be with you

It was then that Rachel looked up into the balcony, beyond the faint stage lights. Into Quinn's soul.

How did Rachel know she was here?

Feeling the mess of tears and makeup running down her face and finally noticing the ugly sobs that were coming from her mouth, Quinn realized that Rachel didn't know until now.

She paused as the chorus came to an end, pleasant surprise still gracing her face. Their eyes met and Quinn saw her shake her head before going on with the song.

You know it's funny how freedom can make us feel contained

Yeah, when the muscles in your legs aren't used to all this walking

I know if you could snap both your fingers than you'd escape with me

But in the meantime I'll just wait here and listen to you while you speak or scream

Quinn could feel her head and her heart screaming at her. Rachel was once again the only person in the world to understand Quinn for more than what she showed in front of others.

She understood that Quinn was lost.

She's giving Quinn the time to figure it out… if that was even possible.

Her heart was crying out to the girl singing just for her, desperate to reach out for the dream she never knew she had.

Her head was ringing the alarms to ward against the tiny brunette with a heart of gold. It wasn't worth the pain to let her in.

Quinn felt her heart argue. 'No matter what you do to keep her away, to make her hate you… she never does. She never leaves you. Why can't you trust that?'

The song was over, Rachel had rearranged the ending so the last notes repeated "The devil's on your back, but I know you can shake it off…"

It was directed straight at Quinn and she could no longer ignore the heart she tried so desperately to hide.

They were still staring at each other. Neither one of them noticed an intruder until it was too late.

"Hey, Rach! You ready to go?"

Quinn's stomach dropped, possibly into the sub-basement. It was so easy to forget. But now there was a big, clumsy giant of a reminder as to why her head won over her heart.

Rachel broke the gaze and gave the obligatory kiss in greeting to her boyfriend.

"I'll be ready soon, Finn. You do know it's crucial for me to maintain my usual post-glee vocal routine."

The closeness between the couple was more than Quinn could take. She wouldn't stand there as they made out. There was only so much pain she could willingly take.

It wasn't worth it.

Quinn wasn't worth it.

Finn's voice echoed once more. Questioning Quinn's ability to feel.

Shoving all the tears, the heartbreak into the dark recesses of her being, Quinn went into the girl's restroom to fix her makeup.

She ignored her heart's desire to have Rachel sweeping in once again, begging her to come back, telling Quinn that she cared.

She ignored the disappointment when Rachel didn't.

Her eyes once again framed in darkness to distract the red, Quinn strode out to the halls. Apathy bled with false airs of confidence as the stragglers still in the halls after school practically dove out her way.

One step forward, a billion steps back.

This goes out to everyone who has reviewed, favourited, story alerted this fic.

Shout out to withabrandnewname who I just discovered on both FF and tumblr. Thanks so much for recommending my fic and I love your glee movie posters! :)