Sorry for taking forever with this. Been going through a lot and just didn't feel like writing. Hope you enjoy this. The letter to Nathan from Lydia and Jamie will be up soon. I won't leave you waiting again. I promise!

Dear Nathan

It's Haley. I got your letter. I'm not going to lie, I feel horrible. Even though it's been over three years since you left and the initial sting is not there, I am still in pain over losing you. I am broken. I miss you. I feel like a part of me is gone, which it is – you are. I know that you are not coming back, but I don't think I will ever get over losing you.

I don't know if you can see or hear me and I know you will never read these words, but I am writing to you anyway.

At first when you passed away, I was angry with you. I was angry because you just gave up. You stopped fighting. I know that the treatments were hard and only made you sicker, but I keep thinking what if you had tried it one more time, what if that last time had saved you? I know I have to stop thinking like that and maybe one day I will. I just hope you can forgive me for being angry with you. I am sorry.

When you left I fell apart. I was lost without you. I am lost without you. I practically neglected our kids. I didn't mean to shut them out. I love those kids with all that I am. But for some reason I couldn't face them. I did this strange thing where I would buy a bottle of Vodka every Monday and every Friday. I never drank any of it, but instead I sat the bottles in a circle around the piano. I have no idea why. I guess I was out of my mind. Bottle number nine – Lucas and Peyton came and took Jamie and Lydia to live with them. Bottle number thirteen – I realised that I couldn't live without my kids, so I threw all thirteen bottles away, went to Lucas and Peyton's house, thanked them for taking care of our kids and then took them home where they belong. I wasn't the only one hurting, Jamie and Lydia lost their father. They needed me.

It's been three years now since you left. I still feel broken at times but Jamie and Lydia help me through. I will stay strong for them, always.

I got your letter a year after you passed away. I was really happy with it. You put a lot of thought into it. Jamie loves the letters he receives on his birthday and Brooke said there are some for Lydia too, but she won't receive them until she turns six.

There is one really important thing that you don't know. About two weeks after I took Jamie and Lydia home, I found out I was pregnant. I did not know how to feel. I decided to keep the baby, knowing that it was our last miracle together. It is not only Jamie and Lydia who keep me going, but our other son.

Kyle Nathan Scott arrived exactly eight months after you passed away. He is beautiful, Nathan. He is a little over two years old now. He is exactly like you with his dark brown hair and gorgeous blue eyes. He has your smile too. Jamie is great with him, and Lydia. Jamie has kept his promise he made you. He is always telling Lydia and Kyle about you. Whenever Kyle sees a photo of you he immediately says 'Dadda.' He may never have met you, but he knows all about you and he always will. I'll make sure of it.

I know you said you wanted me to move on and to fall in love again, but I don't think I am ready for that, yet. I don't know if I ever will be. I can never find another you. I could never replace you. You were my everything. My first love.

Nathan Scott, I love you. I will always love you. You taught me how to love, how to live. You gave me the three most beautiful gifts ever – our three wonderful kids; Jamie, Lydia and Kyle. I am forever grateful for you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything.

P.S – Happy Birthday, baby.

Goodbye Nathan. I love you. Always wand forever.

Your Haley xo

Also there will be a letter from Kyle to Nathan coming soon.